A story about my dad for r/mensrights

2011-09-06T17:04:23+00:00

No one contends that having an involved father is bad for children, in fact most here claim the opposite. The most common contention I have seen is that men who enjoy spending time with children, their own and others are frequently thought to have ulterior motives. This post written from the perspective of a child doesn't address that at all. The underlying argument isn't logical , nobody is denying your experience, but claiming that male caregivers don't face or should ignore the additional risks they face due to their gender based solely on your experience is like me claiming that women shouldn't be concerned about the pain of childbirth because I have seen a woman give birth and she didn't complain about it to me.

MikeSpader · 2011-09-06T16:07:57+00:00

This made me happy. Your dad is a pretty cool guy and I hope to be as awesome as him one day.

Whisper · 2011-09-06T20:00:44+00:00

OP is confused. "Data" is not the plural of "anecdote".

The threat of these accusations is not that they always happen, or even frequently happen, but that they are a nuclear weapon when they do. Lives need to preserved every day, but destroying them once is enough.

Amunium · 2011-09-06T15:47:50+00:00

It really frustrates me when an OP misrepresents the position of r/mensrights. It was never contended in r/mensrights that society ALWAYS (you even have ALWAYS underlined) accuses male caregivers of molestation. Instead, r/mensrights contends that there is a general stigma in which male caregivers are sometimes seen as being dangerous and untrustworthy just because they are male. In fact, I've been told several times by different parents that they would feel uncomfortable with me babysitting their children simply because I was male.

I_like_microscopes · 2011-09-06T15:16:55+00:00

I've never noticed anyone giving me odd looks when I'm out alone with my kids, nor when I talk to the neighbourhood kids.

Maschalismos · 2011-09-06T23:44:25+00:00

Why do so many people INSIST in misunderstanding us?! Noone says that ALL men are considered suspect. Just enough to consider it worrying.

Noone says that ALL women will divorce you and take your money. Just enough to consider it worrying.

And, OP, as for your 'it just doesn't ever happen' argument that you posted in 2X, I'd ask you to listen to the members of this subreddit. Almost all of us have had at least run-ins with the phenomenon, and some of our lives have been permanently altered by it.

I_like_microscopes · 2011-09-06T16:52:11+00:00

A wonderful story. The message is great: indeed we should not be scared out of being good dads. However I have to wonder:

Could your dad have experienced the looks and the whispers without telling you about them? You probably couldn't recognize them yourself.
Is your dad attractive and/or extroverted? Imagine a creepy-looking dad who is awkward trying to be spontaneous and fun with his kids in easily observable ways. Not sure things would turn out the same.

Being a little scared, as a dad, might not be the most irrational thing.

HolyCounsel · 2011-09-06T21:24:51+00:00

You keep repeating that you were trying to share a happy story, trying to make that the one and only point of your post. It is obviously not:

How do I feel when people insist that society always accuses male caregivers of molestation. Why do you deny my experience? FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU

and more importantly:

Don't let the horror stories and trolls scare you away from being a good dad.

The emphasis is yours, as was your choice to post this first to /mensrights and then to /twoxchromosomes. Your first comment was in /twox, and it was there that you were truthful:

It really frustrates me every time someone over there says that society prevents dads from taking care of their children. In my experience, it's just not true!

I am not the only one who sees that you started your account to say this and only this. I can think of a dozen ways you could have framed your positive experience with fatherhood AND encouraged fathers to not hold back out of fear, all the while gathering huge upvotes here in /menrights.

Instead, you wanted to take a shot at every message we send about how men are treated like potential pedophiles. Because what you rail against in your post is what is happening to men, not just fathers. And that doesn't mean spit to you because, "in my experience, it's just not true!"

I_like_microscopes · 2011-09-06T17:36:47+00:00

Um, I spend a lot of time with my son, it's not well received at all. Don't you deny my experience.

I haven't seen a thread say all fathers will be accused of molestation? Did you mean this literally or were you just being liberal with the hyperbole?

Nobody is denying your experience. You seem to misunderstand that in regards to children bad experiences don't have to be predominant to be important. So if a thread says; 'to an important degree fathers are treated badly' it doesn't mean in every single case ever.

It's dishonest to say mens rights are an obstacle to fathers spending time with kids, it is the exact opposite. Feminism is an obstacle.

Furthermore, what does it matter if someone is denying your experience? Because a wealth of examples and evidence would back you up, if it were true.

I_like_microscopes · 2011-09-06T15:36:12+00:00

I think this comic is an important reminder. It is easy to lose sight of the big picture and only focus on a few exceptional cases. Thanks =)

Aavagadrro · 2011-09-06T19:55:04+00:00

I was deprived of the chance to be that kind of dad. I was punished for being that dad when they were little when she took off with them and the state left me with less than $100 a month to live on. I was punished further by her stealing their childhood from me. 7 years I spent without them in my life due to her. While serving in the military I was not allowed to see them very often, they said I was an unstable parent, and wanted to only allow supervised visits. It was less than 15 days in those 7 years I got to spend with them, and she was breathing down my neck the entire time.

Charges of molestation were never levied against me either, but false charges of abuse were. I would have never worried about someone thinking I was molesting them, though I do get dirty looks when I am out in public with my 14 year old who looks 19-22. They can give me dirty looks all the want, and go fuck themselves.

The only thing that stopped me from being a good dad was my ex wife and the state laws.

2011-09-06T22:13:54+00:00

Other than the bears part This was very touching (GO PACK GO)

I_like_microscopes · 2011-09-06T16:22:50+00:00

Would your dad be interested in doing an iama? You say he never experienced any discriminatory treatment as a stay at home dad maybe his perspective might be a little different.

Sarstan · 2011-09-06T19:03:43+00:00

Considering you're an adult now, the time line is a little shifted back. That's something that should be noted when considering this situation (the male molestation idea has grown increasingly strong in more recent years).
Similarly, you may well have not noticed or heard any sort of discrimination, odd looks, heated words, or other behaviors to suggest a discontent for your father.
Anyway, supposing it's all true, that great for him. However it's just like a guy stating he got a girl drunk in college, fucked her, and nothing happened to him. Sometimes it works out that way, sometimes he's cuffed and a sex offender for life.

DubiumGuy · 2011-09-06T19:35:32+00:00

TL;DR your dad doesn't looks like a paedophile.

</badjoke>

ExpendableOne · 2011-09-06T15:07:41+00:00

wait... so you're asking people not to dismiss your experiences but you go out of your way to completely dismiss not only the experiences of countless other men(which, odds are, you might be slightly more aware of if you had grown up as a man yourself or experienced the same biases) but a long list of documented judicial/social history as well. Not only that but you are also completely dismissing the facts that your experiences are still in the minority and that just because you might not have been aware of sexism/biases directed at your dad, does not mean that it never actually took place or that he did not experience any of it himself.

I agree that men shouldn't let these things stop them from being good fathers, but to pretend like there aren't any issues here, just because you happen to grow up with your dad oblivious to the sexism around you, isn't really going to do anyone any good; nor is trivializing other people's experiences as "just horror stories that could never happen to you" or trolls, and denigrating and misrepresenting the entire men's right subreddit(and especially not by using 2XC to incite an anti-/r/mensrights circle-jerk).

I_like_microscopes · 2011-09-06T18:32:08+00:00

[permanently deleted]

cvlrymedic · 2011-09-06T15:43:43+00:00

Dear Mike Ditka and God.....

skratakh · 2011-09-06T15:39:36+00:00

was the choice of using a negative image a philosophical point?

_Toast · 2011-09-06T16:58:18+00:00

I hope to be a great dad regardless of society in the future. I'll probably have to ask my parents how they made me turn out so well.

odintal · 2011-09-06T21:00:46+00:00

As a male primary care giver I have experienced both sides of this. I'm a stay at home dad who works part time. We have one daughter who is almost 2 and a little boy on the way. I've had times going out with my daughter recently where I was given evil looks for picking her up during meltdowns. I've had other parents tell me how awesome it is that I do the parenting dirty work. For every overly protective nosy suburban mom who thinks I'm some weirdo sitting at the park, there are 2 other moms wishing they had a partner/husband/whatever that spent as much time with their kids as I do with mine.

PapaGeese · 2011-09-06T22:32:23+00:00

A real upvote for your story and a fake one for being a Bears fan! check out /r/CHIBears

:)

G-O · 2011-09-06T22:51:32+00:00

I work with teens

My direct superior once requested that I spend extra time with a particular girl due to some family hardships.

She has a close friend so I end up spending extra time with both of them. The parent of the friend sees me talking to them as she picks them up for a few days in a row and they give me hugs as they leave(being well trained not to initiate a hug myself). Obviously I am trying to molest them so the parent, after spreading gossip about my inappropriate behavior confronts my supervisor. Thankfully my supervisor sets the record straight, first to the complaining parent, then to all parents as the gossip gets out of hand and I get to keep my job.

2 years later when my supervisor quits, the parent who had accused me was one of the advisers to hire her replacement. After my new supervisor and I get to know each other, he informs me that when he was hired he was tolled by the parent to "watch out" for me.

I still work with teens, but I no longer touch them, and when they hug me, my hands are in the air.

I will not deny your experience, but neither should you deny mine.

ottawadeveloper · 2011-09-06T23:37:14+00:00

It is nice to see good stories

ag0342 · 2011-09-07T06:42:50+00:00

I loved your story, until the end where you said you liked the bears... GO PACKERS!!! still an upvote :D.

radamanthine · 2011-09-06T19:00:06+00:00

So, your message is to totally ignore the risk of completely losing your children altogether? Fuck that.

The unfortunate thing is that most accusations of abuse come at the hands of a vengeful mother in a divorce. If your parents had split up acrimoniously, I'd be worried she'd use your dad's affection as a weapon. It happens constantly. Way more than random strangers making accusations- they usually just give looks.

Darkling5499 · 2011-09-06T20:38:11+00:00

times have changed. not 10 years ago i was getting my ass beat by my parents. never once did i think "oh man, im telling someone about this!". nowadays, if you so much as spank your kid and someone finds out, you lose your kid.

LastPriority · 2011-09-07T01:45:15+00:00

I think you have a good heart but are misguided. I hope you don't mind if I try and give you a frame of reference.

Go over to twox and ask how many women would let a male babysit their kids. Everyone that says they would be uncomfortable letting a male babysit their kids has a stigma about men and children. When those people go out in public and see a male with a child they are thinking the same thing. You are right that more often than not nothing happens but the looks and stares are there.

Most of the men in here are upset because you are saying that we should just ignore it. Think about any issues women have and if a man told you to just ignore it. That is not how problems are solved.

dasFisch · 2011-09-06T16:21:28+00:00

Most important part of that, you're a Bears fan.

gb2digg · 2011-09-06T18:18:24+00:00

I had to invert the image in photoshop to see it correctly.

whoyouthinkitis · 2011-09-06T22:46:46+00:00

what is your gender?

TheRealPariah · 2011-09-07T18:52:01+00:00

MMmmm Urlacher.

rockidol · 2011-09-07T23:59:23+00:00

Nice story thanks for sharing.

2011-09-06T20:47:21+00:00

It has to do with looks. God how hard is this to understand.

2011-09-07T01:05:40+00:00

This subreddit is filled with absolute retards. The message of this post is "It's not always terrible being a man with children here's my happy story." and have somehow found reason to complain and try to shit on someones happy story.

You're afraid to hug your daughter in public because of how people might look ok at you? You're a parent bro, who the fuck cares how people look at you? Stop caring about the shit people talk. People talk shit. Do we not teach children to ignore idiots talking shit? Quit being terrible parents because you're immature about immature people. Then again, this is the subreddit that thinks male circumcision is mutilation and pretty much the same thing as female circumcision.

radamanthine · 2011-09-06T15:01:33+00:00

How old are you? Probably mid 20's, given reddit's demographic.

Things are different today than they were 15-20 years ago. The 'all men are evil child fuckers' thing is relatively new.

And you, little miss privileged, can't possibly understand. You don't see the looks people give, the worry on people's faces. You just can't understand, sorry to say.

ima_coder · 2011-09-06T20:18:49+00:00

Type this crap out in a real post. Stop with the damn comics.

ricktard · 2011-09-07T02:52:28+00:00

ANECDOTES AND ANECDOTES AND ANECDOTES

MrRisky · 2011-09-07T11:10:58+00:00

This comes off really smug and condescending. But at least you posted it in four sub-reddits for maximum karma.

2011-09-06T21:15:12+00:00

Times have changed. It's still a lot better to be forever alone and depressed then in prison being raped by your cellmate for something you never did.

thingsarebad · 2011-09-06T19:26:28+00:00

You're the troll.

Down-voted.

Title	A story about my dad for r/mensrights
Author	I_like_microscopes
Upvotes	221
Comments	131
Date	September 6, 2011 2:25 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/k6fcg/a_story_about_my_dad_for_rmensrights/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/a-story-about-my-dad-for-rmensrights.1034980 https://theredarchive.com/post/1034980

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