Are women much more turned off than men after establishing attraction?

goatismycopilot · 2022-01-16T17:28:14+00:00

It sounds like your friend wanted a hot GF and he has one and is not miserable enough to end it. He probably enjoys fighting with her and enjoys a certain level of drama in his life.

tonyghow · 2022-01-16T17:46:10+00:00

The hotter the partner, the more likely a broken person will stay with them. I think both genders do this equally.

LittyKitsune · 2022-01-16T16:30:57+00:00

I feel like this isn't so much an issue of attraction and loyalty as straight-up codependency.

This is a common issue amongst people with partners who struggle with addiction or psychiatric issues. It's not a male or female exclusive phenomenon. For more info, see here.

I feel like codependent relationships aren't discussed enough on this sub. Yes, loyalty in relationships and willingness to weather challenges is admirable. In the context of a healthy relationship between two healthy, level-headed individuals who add to each other's lives instead of actively making each other worse.

random_opinion_lol · 2022-01-16T18:03:47+00:00

In my only experience, being with only one man, it ebbs and flows and I notice it's mostly whenever he is mad, raising his voice and making offhanded comments when I'm the least attracted to him. I'm most attracted to him when we're having positive interactions, when he's considerate, affectionate, respectful, and putting in effort for us/for me/for himself.

AquaChip · 2022-01-16T16:23:39+00:00

I’m speaking for myself here but for me physical attraction is immediate. In a perfect world, I would for real fuck a guy I found attractive on the spot. BUT the reason I don’t is because I don’t know him. The “getting to know him” part builds trust and rapport to the point where I feel comfortable about acting on my sexual feelings for him.

boomcheese44 · 2022-01-16T17:40:33+00:00

I mean, its only guys that can hatefuck. Women are not like that. Once you show us who you are and its undesirable...vaginal lubrication usually dries up. Looks can get us interested, who you are as a person can totally turn us off. And the attraction rarely, if ever, comes back. So yes, turning into a bum for an extended period of time, being immature or lazy can kill attraction. Repeated poor behaviour usually does.

tiposk · 2022-01-16T17:31:48+00:00

Switch genders and you'll have a woman married to an unemployed man with drug issues about whom everyone warns her but she's still insisting that he's a great guy. I've seen similar scenarios among friends. I've also seen men eventually growing out of love with their partners and moving on either alone or with someone else. I'm not sure it's a gendered thing.

Feisty-Saturn · 2022-01-16T18:30:59+00:00

Speaking for myself I can say yes. As someone who doesn’t care for much for casual relationships, I look at several things when it comes to attraction. Obviously just being good looking gets your foot in the door, but i also look to see if the man has the same values as me. It takes time to get to know someone and sometimes people hide who they are for awhile. I’ve been in relationships where as I got to know the guy I later realized how different our values were. Most of the time it’s things that would cause me to lose attraction.

I’ve seen the same thing happen to my female friends. I assumed everyone was like this no matter the gender. I don’t understand why someone would see red flags in someone else and choose to stay. I would guess someone doing this is probably insecure or afraid of being alone.

WilliamWyattD · 2022-01-17T03:43:27+00:00

I don't know how this is even a question? There may be a lot of junk thrown in with TRP, but if there is one thing TRP (and the science/literature it is derived from) it's that there are some fundamental biological differences between the genders with respect to how they determine attraction.

Women are more holistic in their attraction calculus. They judge men on more than appearance. But it isn't a strict averaging. It's closer to a threshold system, where if you do not meet certain thresholds in various criteria, you are disqualified. It is difficult to compensate for not meeting a threshold in one area by outperforming in another. Women also have a higher attraction floor in general, and it is less flexible.

So of course a woman is going to lose attraction to a man on a primal basis once he starts to underperform. It is totally natural. Men, on the other hand, are more focused on appearance. So as long as she retains that, he is not going to lose nearly as much attraction if she starts to behave poorly as a woman would with an underperfoming man. Also, even if her looks fade somewhat, men have a more flexible attraction floor. It is easier to still have enough attraction to make sex remain a net positive experience for him. Again, just nature.

We should be using our conscious minds to intervene and moderate our biology to some degree. But honestly, it is easier to manually override and terminate a relationship when you are attracted but understand your partner is bad for you, than the other way around. Women can, and should, try to give a man who is not doing well some time to get back on his feet; but it is hard to do when her body just stops wanting him. There is only so much time she can give him, particularly if he still wants sex the whole time. This may not be fair, but biology is not fair. Men can help here by understanding the basic mechanics, and perhaps be less demanding of sex while they are in a bad place and trying to turn things around. Sucks that just when you need your woman the most, she might be most physically distant. But again, sucks for her, too. She doesn't necessarily want this

Finally, there is the serial monogamy issue. To the extent that humans are programmed for monogamy, much of the programming is for serial monogamy: 3-5 years, or enough to get pregnant and raise a child to a level where he is somewhat self-sufficient. Both men and women are programmed to get bored after that, but women much more so. Men are programmed to still want the woman, just less so, because in theory the man would just add another woman. Women are more programmed to mate switch, with one primary partner at a time. Part of that programming seems to involve perceiving their current partner as lower value than he actually is after 3-5 years so that a woman is incentivized to find a new partner despite all the frictional costs of mate switching. Otherwise, a woman wouldn't upgrade from a '6' man to a '7' because the costs of switching make the upgrade not worth it. But she will start to see her '6' as a '5' or even a '4', thus making the switch worthwhile in her mind. There are even genetic diversity benefits in a woman making lateral moves from a '6' to another '6'.

So these are the basics we need to understand. There's no inherent moral judgment in them. Morality is about what we do given these instincts, and moral judgments should take into account that men and women do have different impulses here.

So there is a reason for the male burden of performance. Yes, this burden is a bit incoherent with a genderless philosophy of sexual behavior, but it's ultimately the philosophy that is wrong. Men shouldn't shy away or complain about the male burden, just the incoherence. Accepting the male burden makes men stronger and better, anyways. Besides, part of the reason for the burden is that women still do the child bearing, even if this is less of a factor in life today.

There is no way for a man to be 'safe' from a mate losing attraction. He simply has to work as hard as he can on himself and his ability to provide as he can. In general, a man should work in a margin of safety into his mating: don't go for the hottest woman you can get when you are at your best. Override that instinct and take advantage of your more flexible attraction floor. Choose a woman a few levels down in appearance, but several levels higher in character. Even if you never have a bad patch, you'll still be happier when you are older having chosen the better woman over the hotter one. Women should choose wisely, too. But it is harder because of a higher and less flexible attraction floor. If your body reels at the thought of touching him, what are you gonna do? Even if he is the greatest guy in the world, it won't work.

sarkington · 2022-01-16T17:24:36+00:00

Yup. Women don’t consider sex a good enough reason to put up with things

wtknight · 2022-01-16T18:50:26+00:00

I think that in general, evolutionarily, women are more concerned about their offspring than men are. Because of this, they tend to be less tolerant of flaws that appear in their partners than men are when they appear in women.

A man will usually bail if a woman stops having sex with him and he has other options, though. Men aren't very tolerant of that.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-01-16T23:19:20+00:00

Men are more likely to ignore other issues if their partner is physically attractive, or they think this is the most physically attractive partner they can hope to get. It likely won’t last forever, but it could get drawn out a very long time. Men are also extremely lazy about ending relationships and will generally let them die a slow agonizing death if not first put out of their misery by the female partner. The exception to this is when sex is off the table for a while. Then it’s bam adios!

JacobMoogberg69 · 2022-01-16T16:55:56+00:00

I keep harping on this but no one, especially guys, listen. Sure; a good looking man wjll get an audition of 60 seconds. He may even be assumed to be an awesome cool guy. But by and large, women judge men on their behavior. It is the behavior that determines if a man is truly arousing or not. A good looking man who doesn't behave like a quality guy will he quickly dismissed. And an average looking man who behaves like an alpha male, will always score women easily.

What you are seeing is that a lot of guys can fake it for some time. Hell, in the PUA days they advised you to fake it till you make. Most guys of course get stuck at faking it, which works for a couple of dates, but eventually it turns out the guy was never who he said he was.

iwasneverherehaha · 2022-01-16T19:33:42+00:00

Women can normally replace men easier from my experience.

Shes not going to hang around If shes in 2 minds and has 10 other guys wanting to jump on her.

Last time I checked its abit harder for men to jump from relationship to relationship

Saborizado · 2022-01-16T18:32:32+00:00

I think there is a tendency in women, where once they get commitment from a man, they try to change it. That is, they try to modify the behavior that initially attracted them. It's a kind of conscious or unconscious self-sabotage.

For example, if they fell in love with a strong, unsentimental man, they tend to put excessive pressure on the man to open up and show vulnerability. Or if they married a man with a purpose, they are overly insistent that he spend more time with them, usually at the expense of their other things in life. It is also the man's responsibility if he gives in to that kind of thing.

Many men also become conformist and monotonous. They take a lot of things for granted and may forget to work on themselves or their wife.

That said, I think women are more likely to experience this you mention because their love is much more pragmatic than that of a man. A man loves as he sacrifices. If he has sacrificed for a woman, it is difficult for his love to suddenly end.

A woman only loses interest in a man if:

The man ceases to be the man she fell in love with.
She considers that the man is not desirable to other women.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but that's how it works.

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razormachine · 2022-01-16T17:27:29+00:00

Which kind of personality disorder?

PMmeareasontolive · 2022-01-16T18:51:06+00:00

either party can get bored. as for putting up with bad behavior, some people seem to tolerate it more than others. maybe it's better than being bored for them.

LotBuilder · 2022-01-16T19:14:10+00:00

He’s stupid and I pray for everyone’s sake he doesn’t get her pregnant. I have been there.
He will not have to rely on her to lead his family and provide for him so he can be less picky.
Women lose attraction when the man shows weakness or the inability to lead a family. They don’t want to hitch their wagon to a man that’s physically, emotionally or financially unstable.

TheJim66 · 2022-01-16T19:47:51+00:00

Yes and the man doesnt even have to do anything "wrong" for it to happen.

ruboyuri · 2022-01-16T19:59:58+00:00

Of course. We don’t need to keep dick on tap at all costs

loke2dabrain · 2022-01-16T20:52:36+00:00

It ain't even about the dude not being good enough to maintain her "attraction".

These chicks cant stay committed to any 1 man for too long cause they already got a lifetime commitment to the streets

SlinkyCyberSleuth · 2022-01-17T04:42:39+00:00

It's usually about feeling valued.

If you're a slob and put everything on them, treat them badly, don't contribute in any way, then they're not feeling valued, or connected, which results in losing that attraction to you.

That said, women (and men) are not clones. They're not cookie-cutter. They're individuals and will behave as such. Some women don't care about the above, some actually thrive in having someone to fix/mother.

sarkington · 2022-01-17T20:39:08+00:00

Bodies don’t change much day to day but words and actions can

AreOut · 2022-01-16T17:29:46+00:00

"She's extremely hot (like 8 out of 10)"

that's not extremely hot

Title	Are women much more turned off than men after establishing attraction?
Author	erinjennings95
Upvotes	25
Comments	72
Date	January 16, 2022 4:13 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/s5f28r/are_women_much_more_turned_off_than_men_after/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/are-women-much-more-turned-off-than-men-after.1095844 https://theredarchive.com/post/1095844

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