Precautions for POC women while seeing/dating white men

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-02-10T03:30:20+00:00

I’m Asian. Dealbreakers include waxing overly poetic about my country of origin, “teaching” me about my own culture, and telling me he only dates (my specific ethnicity).

Hostileovaries · 2022-02-10T03:37:54+00:00

Latina here. Men who call me fiesty or spicy. Men who assume I want a big family or try to get me to do wifey shit waaaay too early ("oh I love the food from your country you should cook for me sometime").

KetoKittenAround · 2022-02-10T03:02:22+00:00

If a white man keep bringing up your difference it’s a problem. If they do so in a truly intelligent manner it is fine. If it’s … “ohhhh nooo what if so and so or what and what saw us together!! What with our races and such!!” That’s an issue

If they ever tell you they only watch POC or your races porn. That’s some shit.

If they ever try to put you into a stereotype “Oh you’re this race, no wonder you do this and such…. I love it”

If they comment on you body using any regressive stereotypes.

A BIG red flag is if they say you’re different and beautiful despite being your race…. Not like all the OTHER POC’s

I’m not a POC but I am from a race that has been abused.

You’ll know it deep down.

Edit because I forgot the “jokes” … you will feel it when it’s not right

Another edit: if they keep bringing up how you’re hotter than their own race … that’s triangulation

_mooness · 2022-02-10T12:56:47+00:00

I’m middle eastern, I hate when white guys trash talk white women to me, or say they’re more attracted to “darker” features, or say they’re looking for a more submissive woman. Also, I don’t date military vets. Hard pass. I’ve had 3 ex’s who were deployed in various parts of the Middle East and they all assumed that I must be so fortunate to have the opportunity to suck his white dick since in the parts of the countries they visited women were treated poorly. Fuck you Kevin, your white dick is gross.

Fun_Sherbet · 2022-02-10T03:39:47+00:00

The podcast episode about racial fetishization is great for this!

I'll say as a mixed race woman that this one is so insidious cuz men reduce our ethnicities and cultures into porn categories. I've been straight up asked "Fun Sherbet, what's your ethnicity?" by guys (to which I naively answered cuz i love my cultural heritage) and it's taken me until fds to realize, oh they were literally asking so they could look for it as a porn category. Fucking vomit. In retrospect, i can sense the fetishization on these men. It's like.. they're a little too interested? You can feel the absence of sincerity compared to having genuine conversations about race and culture. Nowadays I'd rather safeguard my ethnic background from men.

On the other hand I've dated a mixed white/indian guy and he was really obsessed with my both 1) being white and 2) not being white. Like, sometimes he used the 'forced teaming' trick by talking about 'us' versus 'all these white people'. And then other times he'd like act weirded out that my skin that had no sun exposure was pale. This bloke was weird asf and i've come a long way, lol. Maybe other white mixed gals can chime in here.

stankyhose · 2022-02-10T03:05:36+00:00

Someone made a post the other day about dating as PoC and the comments are a good source for picking up on signs that someone is just fetishising you.

alpinepunch2021 · 2022-02-10T04:11:01+00:00

One thing I have noticed is to see how women from his own race think of him

This is huge. I dated a white guy tech bro once an he coincidentally never dated a white woman before (but dated other brown woc) - now I know why. Sometimes I think white women know the ins and outs of white guy depravity more than woc. He did some shit that's utterly unheard of from Indian guys (and its not exactly like the latter are paragons of virtue themselves).

I think whatever surprises you're in for are going to vary depending on your background culture. I know, generally, white men are far far less committed in a very deep way than most Indian people (men or women), so that was a surprise for me. They also tend not to really have as much of a 'protective' instinct for their families (e.g. feeling obligated to financially provide for them, to make sacrifices for them, to plan for their future children etc.) than most Indian people. They tend to grant you a lot more freedom and leeway to do whatever you want than Indian people, but I think that's likely because they feel relatively not as committed to or protective of you.

Platipus6 · 2022-02-10T04:28:45+00:00

see how women from his own race think of him!

yesss. There's a cross-racial blindness if you've grown up around people similar to you. The saying "all x look the same" means "I don't have enough experience or time around people of that race to notice the differences in their facial structure to easily tell them apart".

I've been surrounded by white people and acknowledge I have a lot of trouble telling people of other races apart and I'm trying to fix that by watching a lot of youtubes of many different people. I have a lot of trouble reading their facial expressions and understanding certain phrases they use. They may make a joke and I won't catch on, but a person of that locale would know what they mean. They would know it's offensive.

Which means... if white women who are familiar with the body language, customs, microexpressions, phrases, local sayings and gestures of white men are avoiding that man in particular, you need to trust them.

He may be using your unfamiliarity to get away with negging, contempt, misogynistic jokes and disrespect right under your nose. And saying "it's just customary in my culture" or "it's a white thing, that's why it feels like disrespect but it's not" but it totally is.

hikurangi2019 · 2022-02-10T04:39:33+00:00

If you’re Asian, just don’t. The only variety of white guys that like Asian women are the creepy yellow fever type, aka they can’t find someone within their own race. If they don’t look overtly creepy you’ll sense the creepiness once you start talking to them long enough.

ennu_i_sao · 2022-02-10T05:24:31+00:00

“I try not to do date WOC anymore because I’m afraid of fetishizing them, but I’ll give you a chance.” (Especially if dating was off limits to them but sex wasn’t).

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2022-02-10T13:24:14+00:00

I'm white and I think most white men are trash, though I'm fully aware that being LV/NVM knows no race. Although I'll never know the experience of being fetishized for race (aside from it coming from a few Pacific Asian men I've known), I know that dating as a WOC must be a different type of hell altogether.

Kimpractical · 2022-02-10T13:52:13+00:00

Mansplaining. White men love to mansplain. Maybe he does know what he’s talking about, most of the time he doesn’t but acts like he does. The most important thing is that he will act like you don’t know a single thing at all and he has to help you. It doesn’t matter that you’ve been working in your field for 20 years and hes only been there a month. He believes he knows more. A high value man will never insult your intelligence like this

fireforestfairy · 2022-02-10T10:35:45+00:00

I'm Asian. I think yellow fever is a form of Orientalism. A guy with yellow fever will hence probably say stuff related to Orientalism.

ImpressiveHat8550 · 2022-02-10T08:49:39+00:00

STAY AWAY FROM WHITE MOMMAS BOYS. I say this as a white woman. You’ll never be as good as momma and he’ll make sure you are always aware of that fact and he will ALWAYS side with her. ALWAYS. And it’s not only that, chances are his mom is going to be a white boomer or older gen x and you’ll never be able to run your household because she’ll always being telling you how she thinks it should be done and making passive aggressive remarks about your parenting skills, cooking, decorating, ect. Plus he’ll run to his mommy over every argument and problem you have. That woman will know EVERYTHING about your relationship and you’ll be the enemy. Just avoid white mommas boys like the plague.

White men who complain about white women is another red flag. I’ve heard so many white men say that want a WOC for “traditional values” or because they think they’ll make better wives which means he thinks a WOC will be a better mommy bangmaid and his beliefs about WOC are ultimately rooted in racist stereotypes. (Latinas will cook and clean for them constantly, Middle Eastern women are conservative and “respectful” to men, Asian women are quiet and submissive, black women will take care of them and will do everything for them, ect) He will expect you to live up to what his racist idea of how he thinks a woman of your race should act.

White men who have anger issues. Self explanatory. If not just turn on the news on literally any given day.

xfelugirlx · 2022-02-10T13:55:29+00:00

When they use stereotypes of your ethnicity, RUn. As a latina they are always like omg so hot and wifey material even without knowing me. Also stay aware of colorists, as a pale latina some of them are like “yes you are latina but don’t really look like it” bro,all my family is latin LOL. They are just covered racista that make you pass just because you look white passing.

rightsun__ · 2022-02-10T06:14:40+00:00

If he code switches. One white guy I was with would have a fake “black-cent” occasionally or would call me “girllll” in a joking way. Very weird and out of character for him, especially since I don’t even speak like that so he wasn’t even just mimicking me.

fluffiestdogtail · 2022-02-10T07:01:07+00:00

My parents emigrated from country a country with brown people to country a country with white people when they got married. I was born in country the country with white peoples, and I now live in the US. I was born and raised in the country with white people, I’ve never lived in my parents’ country, I just went a few times to visit family and for vacations but that’s it.

If a dude from the US calls me “brown-white” or focuses on the “brown” part I take it as a ref flag.

I love my birth country, it’s my home, and someone who focuses on my parents’ country is definitively disrespectful because I state very strongly that I’m from the country of my birth, not from my parents country.

I hope it makes sense.

RaccoonSweaty3741 · 2022-02-10T07:15:25+00:00

I'd advise against dating white men who have a string of gfs or hookups with foreign women who don't speak the same language. They tend to objectify and be abusive. They also tend to like the uneven power. Also often they leverage an exotic feature they have to these women (like blue eyes) and behave way more entitled than their actual attractiveness would justify. They will behave like a princess you have to chase and attempt to not commit and play Roman emperor. It will be bizarre and you will ask yourself why this less attractive person doesn't want to commit to you after some time.

growandthro · 2022-02-10T07:35:02+00:00

Ugh tell me about it. Unfortunately for me one of my main hobbies is playing video games which is dominated by incelleous white men. It’s extra satisfying when I wreck them at call of duty, but they will always see me as a “girl gamer” or an outsider into their precious community despite be being better than them at the game. It’s mostly a white dude 4chan thing. I have a friend who’s a good guy just a bit low value cause he doesn’t really focus on self care, but when I play with him he only talks about the game and is respectful. Guess what, he’s not white. I haven’t actually dated anyone yet, but ladies trust me if you want to know what a guy is like see him when he’s playing games. His toxicity levels spike, he’ll get abusive, he might make sexist “f ur mum” statements that’s an instant red flag. Anyway going back to your point, a lot of guys on these games who thirst on me are white on voice chat, this is despite me never using voice chat. The only thing to remotely indicate I’m a girl is a blurry thumbnail of me in a hoodie. Comments like “if you want I’ll carry you in ranked games”, “give me ur discord so we can vc” and if they’re toxic enough “a gamer girl who’s actually good I’m surprised” or “bet it’s not a real girl, she’s just using a profiler.” ONLY WHITE DUDES DO THIS. The other players just focus on the game like they should.

Rant over sorry.

my3altaccount · 2022-02-10T08:03:53+00:00

Stay away from white men who are cops or were in the military.

I recommend this for most men regardless of race (SA and DV rates for men in these categories is significantly higher than the average), but I especially warn you about white men in these groups because the power imbalance will be especially high.

karate_lambchops · 2022-02-10T03:20:30+00:00

I’m a WoC who’s dated all races but my 2 longest relationships were with white men.

A few of my main vetting questions I ask myself are:

-Does he have any friends who are POC? How does he act around them? (If he likes to make racial stereotypes as “jokes” issa no. He is racist)

-Does he pick up a “blaccent” around you? (This is something you can pick up on when he interacts with others vs you)

-Does he use the N word? ( 🚩🚩🚩)

-Does he use the word chocolate or ebony to describe you? (Fetishization. And I found out the hard way ebony is actually a porn category so this is a really good way to see if he’s pornsick and has a fetish about BW):

I have tons more, honestly. I’ll have to make a post one of these days

plumeriaworld · 2022-02-10T03:52:29+00:00

If a white man mentions how cute our babies would be 🚩🚩🚩I’ve had men do this on first dates. Once a guy even talked about what features our hypothetical child should have from each of us, like we were at Build a Bear lol.

I’m not of American descent so this applies to most men, but if they talk about how ‘exotic’ I look 🚩🚩🚩

If they start acting insecure about men of my race or other non-white men. Like one date called me an Uber and when the driver was of my race, he started to show concern that I would be too friendly with the driver..wtf

Talia_Sunrise · 2022-02-10T04:16:22+00:00

In my experience, creepy white men have zero self-awareness and will show their true colors very early. Lack of self-awareness + privilege + entitlement = pathetic dating game. These creepy fool scrotes make sexual comments early on and out of nowhere. It's only Wednesday and just from one dating app, I've experienced it twice this week 🤣😅 1.) After some pleasant messages back and forth on the app, "i see you're an Aquarius, if you're looking for a birthday kiss or more, I can be your guy." 2.) He wanted to chat on the phone and almost immediately said, "if it sounds like i'm breathing heavily, it's not because i'm jerking off it's because i broke a rib." i said, "umm, i wouldn't have thought that. that's not where my brain would have went." he said, "why, are you a prude?" ....Needless to say, I ended these conversations immediately, unmatched and blocked.

Elegant-Matter4515 · 2022-02-10T04:43:53+00:00

Mixed Spanish/native here. In my experience most are prejudice and really only want to be in the same racial and socioeconomic class as themselves at the end of the day. Consciously or unconsciously. Most will never ever understand and empathize with a non white experience. I’ve mostly only dated white dudes and I am desperately trying to not date another one unless they have a nice balance of being socially conscious, ie aware of their whiteness and humbly unpacking it and working towards justice. very turned off by performative ‘woke’ and overly politically correct dudes that they sound like a text book. Very turned off and alarmed by white dudes who don’t seem to have any politics convictions and can’t see out of their little nuclear bubble.

FrauleinJ · 2022-02-10T07:57:59+00:00

Be wary of men who only date WOC, they aren’t cultured, it’s just the women in their race don’t want them. My NV ex told me with scorn that he never would date a white girl because they are basic. I did feel strange that he was weirdly obsessed with south Asian/Middle eastern culture/politics/women throughout our relationship and his exes were of those descents even though I’m East Asian. He would also show me stereotypes memes and excitedly waited for me to respond/get mad. I felt more like an experiment to him tbh. After we broke up, his friend’s girlfriend (who’s brown) still defended him but her friend who’s white straightforwardly told me I’m too good for him the first time she saw us together. So yes, definitely ask your white friend to evaluate any white man who you want to date.

Dangerousmexican · 2022-02-10T04:01:43+00:00

I personally prefer dating white men or men from first world countries because men from my country and culture are TERRIBLE and incredibly sexist. I've watched so many of my cousins and friends fall for traditional men in my culture and end up being cheated on or left pregnant and with no ring on their finger to protect them but I'm also VERY cautious with white men, especially older as they seem to wanna treat you as a mail order bride, especially if you're younger (I'm 18) or they'll seek out a "forbidden" purely sex driven relationship with you.

Title	Precautions for POC women while seeing/dating white men
Author	Throwawaylikehay
Upvotes	198
Comments	51
Date	February 10, 2022 2:34 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sov60a/precautions_for_poc_women_while_seeingdating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/precautions-for-poc-women-while-seeingdating-white.1101473 https://theredarchive.com/post/1101473