What are the essential "Husband Habits" to break? Which ones did/do you struggle with or didn't recognize until it was "too late".

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-06-07T13:01:37+00:00

Putting her on a pedestal. When you do that, all she can do is look down at you.

akihonj · 2022-06-07T13:02:51+00:00

Appeasement, should have learned from history lessons that it never works, trying to fix everything, trying to make her happy.

Road_to_independence · 2022-06-07T17:21:34+00:00

Compromises are like interest, they compound over time. One day you're making a teeny, tiny sacrifice to please her. The next thing you know a decade or more has passed and you have no idea who you really are any more.

tyyyy110 · 2022-06-07T14:38:20+00:00

Caring for her well-being too much. She had now become the enemy but I still cared for her as she was my loving SO. That's a no no, bc she used the fact that I cared to manipulate me even more. But I woke up and started not gaf. She bucked, but what else was she gonna do at that point?

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-06-07T16:37:24+00:00

Getting married in the first place, and not recognizing that most women are impossible to please (and won't be happy with anyone, no matter how well off they are).

It's best just to date for as long as she keeps up her end of things.

You will always be in a better position when you are willing and able to walk away; you'll have more leverage and an easy out.

If/when things change, you wish her all the best and make a quick exit; no waiting period, no mediators or lawyers, no loss of income, and no legal entanglements that can drag on for years. You're immediately free to get on with your life.

gnackered · 2022-06-07T15:16:22+00:00

Spot on. I worry about her fears more than my desires or needs. These are all nice guy behaviors that aren't really good for either of us. I need to fix this.

throwingit_all_away · 2022-06-07T15:55:29+00:00

Wasnt too late/had nothing to do with why my marriage failed.

Learning that it isnt a competition and that there is a 'we', but not at the expense of 'me'.

1+1 ≠ 1

me+she ≠ we

Staying me and staying she is what makes 'us'.

I can do anything I want. She can do anything she wants. It just so happens what we want to do in our lives is aligned with what we want from each other.

At some point I read The 5 love languages and it clicked. Find someone who matches yours and you match theirs and your "acts of service" will be rewarded instead of panned.

JohnnyMnemo · 2022-06-07T17:59:04+00:00

Losing my shit about aggravations. I thought it was a defining character trait. It was, but not in the way that I thought.

I hardly ever do anymore, frankly. I laugh way more stuff off and I don't remember the last time that I actually got so spun up that I lost my sense of humor.

Gattsama · 2022-06-07T18:03:26+00:00

Being a caretaker. I am an insanely hard worker and super focused on my goals. So when my marriage started going sideways my response was to work harder, sacrifice more, double down, listen more, etc. etc. In the end, I never drew good boundaries and set firm limits. I use to think that if only I can figure out this puzzle / equation, or do this, or change that, etc.

Ultimately I came to see that no matter what I do or don't do, I can never step into the role she required (to be fair no one can). In the middle of divorce, but want to be extremely careful with dating and maybe a LTR someday to avoid this one.

kellyleaklives · 2022-06-07T22:16:24+00:00

Yes! As soon as we tie our sense of self-worth to another person’s idea of “happiness,” we’re fucked. It’s a recipe for slavery and ultimately, some kind of mental breakdown.

unsurefamily · 2022-06-08T00:11:07+00:00

Omg this thread is awesome.

Compromises like compound interest is priceless! I couldn’t have said that better myself. It starts out with giving a little and ends up with you no longer having a say in anything and then if they ask you your opinion you are wrong anyway.

For me, absolutely the worst habit I formed was a keep the peace mentality. I let things roll off my back. Repeated comments like “you’ve been doing X for 5 years, why aren’t you a manager?” Why don’t you get paid more. You NEVER do this right or you ALWAYS do this wrong. I ignored them, built up resentments, all for the sake of not wanting to fight in the moment. Every comment she slipped thru established a new baseline of abuse. I should have called her out on her bs in the moment, held strong boundaries and left her if she didn’t change her way. I was that strong boundary person early in the relationship but her way wore me down.

Data_Fan · 2022-06-07T15:20:03+00:00

Best thread I've seen here. thanks

BumbleSqump · 2022-06-07T17:20:15+00:00

Stop offering her food. That was the hardest one for me. Especially when we divorced but before moving out. I like to cook and it’s hard to cook for just one so I’d always have extra food and I would offer it to her.

The trick for breaking this habit is just plate some food for yourself and then throw the rest into Tupperware right away.

NLP_Onyx · 2022-06-08T10:48:30+00:00

Happy wife happy life is never true.

unsurefamily · 2022-06-08T13:01:01+00:00

If you find yourself saying that comment in a relationship then it is not a relationship, it is control. You must find a way to do everything to make/keep them happy and if you fail then it’s your fault

Title	What are the essential "Husband Habits" to break? Which ones did/do you struggle with or didn't recognize until it was "too late".
Author	pegleg_legal
Upvotes	33
Comments	40
Date	June 7, 2022 12:52 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/v6upmf/what_are_the_essential_husband_habits_to_break/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-are-the-essential-husband-habits-to-break.1116904 https://theredarchive.com/post/1116904

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