I need some advice

jalopkoala · 2022-07-27T17:27:54+00:00

Could you ever imagine a world where 10 years from now you think back and go “Remember that time I asked a divorce support forum if my entitled, negative, controlling, and jealous girlfriend was worth it? I’m glad I stuck it out and now she’s the most loving person in the world!”?

Fantasy land. Dump her and date the other person. You are gonna put up with all this nonsense because you think “great looking” is that much better than “good looking”?

Let me tell ya man, when the mortgage is due, the two kids need to be fed, you have a deadline at work, and no one slept last night because the little kid had a fever… no one is “great looking”.

Your jealous girlfriend will suck you dry in your eventual divorce after she cheats on you. Jealousy is always projection. It is a warning sign. Healthy people don’t think about their partner cheating or giving attention to others.

RideATX · 2022-07-27T18:24:49+00:00

A compliant and pleasant 6/7 is far better than an PITA 9/10.

Front-Lion-5098 · 2022-07-27T16:20:44+00:00

Depends on how important a "head turner" GF or wife is to you - sounds like a lot foryou. Head turning is awesome, but you need to worry about every swinging dick and if she will be and stayed committed to you due to all the temptation.

Plus controlling and jealous! Yikes! Entitled and negative - Face it - you are with her because she is HOT and you like the drama I think. To me it is a no brainer to go with the woman who maybe a nt more stable. But, sounds like you will get bored and run back to the hottie - best of luck bro

MathForPay · 2022-07-27T16:42:39+00:00

I would consider my STBxW a head turner. Probably a 9/10 in the Midwest. In NYC or LA, more like a 7/10. The short answer is don’t compromise your sanity for beauty. I did it, and it’s potentially costing me half of everything and more.

Thankfully there are no kids. They would have been beautiful, but I could not imagine going through this process 5 years in the future with custody issues to worry about. Marriage is about partnership. You have to train yourself to think more with your brain, less with your attraction. The person you described does not sound like someone you seriously want to partner with.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2022-07-27T16:59:10+00:00

It is better to be ALONE than any of this.

If that was an unsettling vision, you need to get working on yourself. Why don't you love yourself enough to demand bare minimum standards? One of those being your enjoyment and happiness!

I am trying to make an adult decision and I really don't have time to waste.

Why? Terminal illness? Five sperm cells left? What do you mean here? Why the urgency? Serious line of questioning.

I want to have kids and create a family but I don't want to end being a part time dad.

That's exactly the path you're going down. Everything about that post says that you want to pay child support and alimony while being a visitor to your kids.

playerknowmore · 2022-07-27T19:49:11+00:00

Please let similar values win over looks every time. Looks can most definitely be weaponized. My wife tried attention from other men to make me jealous. She thought that since I could fight I would act out. Made it simple for her cross the line and I leave. She learned to play within the lines.

Our marriage has bumped up against the brink because of the support part. A few years ago my therapist writing exercises turned into her asking me to write a novel. I thought it would be hard, but it was surprising easy. I gave it to my bestfriends wife. She loved it. Found an editor she loved it, but wanted more drama for the female demographic.

My wife has never read my book. The pressure of keeping teenagers lives on track is hard. Our oldest is going to college soon, and you can make a diamond with that pressure. I need support from my wife and don't feel it. We have already started the climb to divorce a few years ago; she backed out. Now I am wondering if it's time to pull the trigger.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-07-27T16:26:26+00:00

I am trying to make an adult decision and I really don't have time to waste. I am attracted to my gf now but I am worried about the future with her.

I appreciate the feedback

derelictherds · 2022-07-27T18:16:48+00:00

Can't tell if this is a serious post or not. You've described some major red flags and you're wondering if breeding with this person is a good idea? The fact that you're relationship has been in a years long perpetual on/off cycle should be screaming "run!" tbh.
If looks is all she brings to the table, then it's 100% not worth it... That is been my experience. You'll end up paying a premium with very little in return in the long run. Looks fade too. What will she contribute to the relationship when shit starts going south?

On the other hand... I've dated several average looking women who were quality humans but could never move past the lack of attraction. So why not hold out for someone that has all the qualities you desire and just have fun meeting new/different women along the way?

sicrm · 2022-07-27T18:28:06+00:00

We have broken it off to many times to count but we end up back together again and we can't seem to resolve anything at all. She is very entitled and very negative about anything in my life. She hates that I enjoy any successes. I feel that she is very competitive with me. She is controlling and jealous but she hates if I do it to her.

I want to have kids and create a family but I don't want to end being a part time dad. I have been talking to someone else and she is completely different. Good looking but not head turning. She has very good family values and is very easy going.

the answer to your question is starting at you in your own post.

which paragraph sounds more conductive to a raise children in?

PrettyCoolBear · 2022-07-27T22:06:57+00:00

I'm kind of in a similar situation. Met a great-seeming woman after separating from my now-ex. Had a bizarre but exciting 3-year relationship which ended up imploding literally days before we were set to get married.

We got together and broke back up 3 different times after that. I'm trying to keep this break-up permanent.

We had a very strong attraction, and a frankly amazing sex life. This was a big reason I think we kept getting back together- anything after what we had is just going to be slightly disappointing. But we're just not meant to be together romantically; and she's not emotionally equipped for a friends-with-benefits situation.

I am staying "fiercely single" for now. Just hookups as needed, no commitments. Need some time for my heart to heal. Great sex alone is not justification for the constant arguments about "the status of our relationship" or other nonsense that I constantly had to deal with.

canival9885 · 2022-07-28T01:35:31+00:00

Easy desicion if you ask me. If she's disrespectful and condensing to you now, what will change?

Brilliant-Release400 · 2022-07-28T15:34:04+00:00

Quit thinking with the smaller head man. I ended up with my first wife over her fantastic boobs. They were her mesmerizing siren song and she used them to sink me and take everything.

Don’t put your little head back in crazy entitled narcissist without two forms of birth control. I would break it off with her completely or try to work out a fwb arrangement.

I’m with an amazing woman now. She respects me and even treats her ex with respect. I dated her before I got married to my ex. If I could go back then and take the stable woman (who is actually so so so much prettier today than my ex) over the siren song, I would do it in a heartbeat.

DBFool2019 · 2022-07-28T15:45:19+00:00

She is very entitled and very negative about anything in my life. She
hates that I enjoy any successes. I feel that she is very competitive
with me. She is controlling and jealous but she hates if I do it to
her.

Seriously man? I think you have your answer here. If it's exclusive and you like this other girl, just end it cleanly. Don't marry someone and have kids if you don't like them. That's kind of silly.

Trick_Tomatillo8855 · 2022-07-28T16:35:18+00:00

Someone I know chose the jealous, negative, competitive hottie. A few years later, he ended up having one kid with her. Side note: the kid is not nearly as attractive as either of them (not that it matters to most, but in your case, it sounds like you might want pretty kids). Fast forward to divorce time -- kid is an adolescent and wants nothing to do with dad, because he's been brainwashed by mom to think dad is evil and dangerous. All the while, mom gets half of dad's income in spousal support because she homeschools... Bonus: The child can't read, despite this overly-expensive mother-led education. Soon, mom gets remarried. Doesn't matter. She still gets half dad's income. Kid is still behind academically. Tens of thousands of dollars are still being spent on court battles three years after initiating divorce.

Toxic people don't typically change because they tend to believe everyone else is the source of the problem. I'm sure there are valuable lessons to be learned in going through it for yourself. But, you can learn to get a hard-on for someone else and give any future children a better chance.

That's the thing about these relationships that people don't always seem to think about -- the kids are the real victims. Do you think this woman you're with would make a kind and nurturing mother? When shit hits the fan, will she treat your child with the love and respect they deserve and put in effort to keep you in their life? Do you really want to procreate with someone and raise children with HER values? Any kids you have with her will be HALF HER... Pretty? Maybe. But, they will have her values as well.

Jbr74 · 2022-07-27T18:26:36+00:00

Whatever you don't marry her, it will 100% get worse, much worse not better.

If you don't want anything serious and just want some eye-candy for your ego, she might work for now.

But if you marry her, it will end in divorce and she will make your life hell during and after, I can guarantee you that.

Jonger1150 · 2022-07-27T18:16:31+00:00

Sometimes the hot ones are the worst.

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-07-27T16:57:45+00:00

Your mention of physical beauty is off putting when discussing a competent relationship. Yes, it’s nice to want eye candy, but usually that candy is bitter and sour just like your on again , off again girlfriend. Why not seek out the attractiveness of someone’s character first.

76ersPhan11 · 2022-07-27T19:37:36+00:00

Look into narcissism and see if that’s what you’re dealing with.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2022-07-27T20:32:50+00:00

No matter how hot the woman, somebody out there is sick of her shit. You’re staying with this woman for her looks. You’ll regret that.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-07-27T21:47:57+00:00

Never take an ex back when the ex leaves you. She got dumped by her new man and you are her Plan B. Never allow yourself to be a consolation prize. When a woman who has previously broken up with a man, or rejected him outright, comes back to him years later, it's incredibly disrespectful. It's her telling that man "I tried to do better and couldn't, so I guess I'll settle for you". It's far worse when she has kids because she’s declaring "I expect you to pay for my kids I had with the man I really wanted". Even if you get back with her, she will always see you as that weak man who let go of his principles just for her. It’s not romantic, it’s soy. Never go back to those that rejected you because you have now what they rejected you for not having back then. You’re more than just utility. Have some dignity. You’ll never be able to trust her, and other women will treat you better.

You also suffer from Oneitis and a scarcity mindset. She's not one-in-a-million, she's one-of-a-million. When you have an abundance mindset, you won't ever put up with the bullshit like you have for years.

Sudden_Ad_4193 · 2022-07-28T01:42:31+00:00

Your hottie is probably dead smack in the middle of the no go zone

https://youtu.be/pInk1rV2VEg

Additional-Basket317 · 2022-07-28T05:29:29+00:00

Similar values. Just from what you're telling me it sounds like your current has borderline personality disorder, Or is just extremely selfish. If you have kids with her it's almost guaranteed she will be a part dad. I lived at I was married to that. And we had kids. Next thing you know in 2 years you're almost a millionaire next 2 years nasty divorce and you're back at square one with no money and rough credit. I would take the 7 who you get along with over the 10 who's a bitch all day long. That is the way to go. A woman who's doing that to you is not going to be a recipe for success ever. It will suck leaving her and you will hurt but it's a thing you need to do just cut her out. You don't have any ties to her financially or children do yourself a favor.

007--Chill · 2022-07-28T06:53:00+00:00

Fine is not wine. I instead go for one that has girl good values and great friendship.

HappyFeetColorado · 2022-07-28T13:23:05+00:00

Bachelorette #1: know that she absolutely will cheat on you at some point, if she hasn’t already. Never, I mean never, marry this person. If you want to date, and stay on that ride to the end, it will get ugly before you get off, and she will always be looking to upgrade. If you are looking to marry, leave now, you are just wasting time and other opportunities.

Bachelorette #2: This could be a good option. Personally I am twice divorced and I am pretty jaded about any woman keeping a promise she made 5+ years ago when her hormones were in a very different state. It does sound at least that your life would be more sane with that one.

Door #3: You have set up a false binary situation here. There are other alternatives.

Title	I need some advice
Author	Small_Quarter_3673
Upvotes	2
Comments	54
Date	July 27, 2022 4:14 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/w9iutx/i_need_some_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-need-some-advice.1125501 https://theredarchive.com/post/1125501

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