Need Exit Velocity

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-09-07T20:40:18+00:00

Same boat, but I'm divorced now and on the other side. Together 30 years, divorced at 50, 2 college-age kids.

When I asked my wife for a divorce she just said, "Okay." She didn't even flinch.

Usually, women want it more than men do, and men are often surprised when women make the request. If she's ever brought it up, she's been thinking about it too. If not, you might ask her if she's ever thought about it. Maybe she'll give you an opening.

But let me tell ya... just last night I was resting in my own cozy bed, taking in all the peace and quiet and thinking, "I love being divorced. I love being free, I love not being belittled or demeaned, and I love spending time with my new girlfriend (who actually wants to be with me)." My life is better, the sex is better, and I'm happier than I've ever been. Even my GF says this past year has been one of the best years of her life. But it took a lot of money and pain to get there and every situation is different. I would've loved for my marriage to have worked out, but it didn't, we just grew too far apart. But coming from the other side: I have no regrets.

streetsmartwallaby · 2022-09-07T20:27:12+00:00

“I’m not happy and I haven’t been for quite some time. We have been through therapy and it has shown me that we want different things from this marriage and life which don’t match up. I want a divorce.

And then stick to it.

When I said this to my now ex-wife she immediately started bargaining about how she “didn’t realize you were so unhappy” and “I will change”. I knew she did and she wouldn’t (we’d been in therapy which helped me realize both) so I just kept saying “It’s over. We’re divorcing.” After a week she flipped and started in with the cursing and accusations (“it’s all your fault” and “you never made me happy”, etc)

There is no easy way to have the conversation. It’s like tearing a bandage off - just start somewhere and get it done as quickly as possible.

If you have not already spoken to a lawyer I would do so before you have the talk with her.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-09-07T18:26:56+00:00

The conversation doesn’t have to be about love. Simply that you have different goals and that it’s time for you to pursue your needs. You don’t need to say what those needs are, or how you arrived where you are at. That’s not relevant.

Finances is what you need to figure out. That’s the messy portion.

RideATX · 2022-09-07T21:30:50+00:00

Just start living the life you want to live and if she comes with you great and if she doesn't she can choose to end it. Set and enforce boundaries, and live your life on your terms. All women are pretty much the same, they act how you allow them to act and treat you the way you let them. She's going to be pissed and call you an asshole etc. ignore her. There will be a main event and she will enter your frame or she will leave. Doesn't matter to you, you're already living the life you want to live.

ragingredditir · 2022-09-07T20:28:07+00:00

If you’re this miserable there is no way she’s living in bliss. She might be thinking the same thoughts.

Tell her the same way you told us. Tell her “we need to talk” and schedule that talk for later in the day so she knows something serious I’d coming.

Tell her everything you told us but turn it into a shit sandwich AKA put the shit between too good things.

Start: I love you, we have so many good memories, your a great mom, we have so much history, etc

Shit: we’ve been in therapy and I feel like it isn’t working

End: you deserve a life where you don’t have to deal with (mention your flaws here) and I feel like we are at a point where we could best serve each other as friends. We’re becoming toxic for each other and neither of us deserve to spend our golden years living that way. This is my plan to move out and how this could work financially for both of us

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-09-07T20:42:46+00:00

First, you look her directly in the eyes and say, “I’m tired of being depressed and abused, and for once I deserve to be selfish”. Then mention that it probably best for us to divorce while we still have time to enjoy life separately. This will stir discussion, which gives you the opportunity to explain your thoughts. Until you share your feelings, you’ll always be a push over.

playerknowmore · 2022-09-07T21:37:12+00:00

You will never win the narrative battle with a woman. My wife was one of those you are not doing enough narrative. When she asks for a separation; I went and got a divorce settlement. Then the narrative changed and I all of a sudden I wanted to fuck the women of the PTA. I Showed my teenagers, my in-laws and mom the email requesting a separation. To my in-laws credit they told her marriage was all in or all out.

I was ready to let everything go; then came the 180. Suddenly I was the wonderful husband she couldn't live without. I think that the fact that divorce was leaving her with three grand less of my money played a part. I decided to stay with the crazy I know. But I honestly thought separation would end my marriage. Be decisive, and expect for everyone to have an opinion.

Hoosierdaddy1964 · 2022-09-07T23:19:22+00:00

I'm you seven years later and still married. I'm not any happier.

sicrm · 2022-09-07T19:11:25+00:00

I'm also wracked with guilt at the thought of leaving her alone to the dating scene.

She's controlling, judgmental, wants a life completely different than the one I want

it doesn’t sound like she’s carrying around any guilt.

do what you want to do. you’ve been married longer than a lot of people using this app have ever been alive. your kids are adults. you’ve more than done your part.

upvotersfortruth · 2022-09-08T00:52:34+00:00

Don’t engage in drama or conflict-seeking behavior. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by engaging with the “whys” of the end of the marriage with her. If you’re serious, take action. Meet a lawyer, prepare, file and arrange to have her served. If at some point before she’s served, you want to notify her that she’s going to be served and have “the talk” that’s up to you. You don’t need her permission or consent to divorce her. As for stigma, you waited for your kids to become legal adults, that’s a lot more than most of us were able to manage. She’ll either be ok with it or she won’t, does her opinion on it matter?

chickenbutt00 · 2022-09-08T01:16:27+00:00

I need to talk to you, and there never seems to be a good time for this. So, this isn’t working for me - something is missing. I’m not feeling it anymore. I feel like I have changed, my needs have changed, and I am not fulfilled in our relationship. I love you, and I don’t want to hurt you, but I feel like there’s another chapter for me.
I have been trying to make this work for me, but it just isn’t. And I don’t want to pretend it is - that would be so unfair to you. I love you and respect you and want to process this and move forward with all of that love and respect, but I don’t want to continue being married.”

SlappyHandstrong · 2022-09-08T15:29:26+00:00

Get the divorce, but be civil about it. I’m 50, in the process of getting divorced. I went from being in an 18 year emotionally abusive marriage to finding the most amazing partner. My life is 180-degrees different. Life is too short and you’re still too young to be perpetually miserable.

HorrorAd1946 · 2022-09-08T00:22:39+00:00

Happiness is not found in someone else or from someone else. Your searching for imo of things only you can give yourself in the marriage or out of the marriage. I in no way am negating your situation, I however don't believe in divorce. That being said, I am here as well, not because I changed my mind but because she left. I have found when we focus on ourselves, all troubles are only multiplied and amplified. It sounds your wife needs help, but not sure divorce solves the problem. Running from our commitments and our vows only weaken us as men and continues to degrade society. What are the examples you leave to you children? They can expect that when their children grow up, they will end up in a divorce or cause issues prior to that? You are old enough to make your own decisions, I would challenge you to deeply explore the results both ways before you make such a life altering decision. Best of luck on your road.

Pale-Physics · 2022-09-08T03:51:11+00:00

No you need to plan a divorce two or three years prior. All your ducks need to be in a row. Talk to an accountant. Planning will pay big.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-09-08T14:01:24+00:00

> After 2 years of my own therapy, and 6 months with her

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Negotiated desire only leads to obligated compliance, which results in resentment by both parties.

You and I are the same age, though my kids aren't in college yet. I divorced my wife five years ago. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

Seaker___ · 2022-09-07T18:55:48+00:00

Wow, thanks for honesty, dude.

Can't believe ur saying u wasted so much time.

30 years...

Seaker___ · 2022-09-07T18:57:11+00:00

How u say it or when - doesn't matter. Just do it

CRobinsFly · 2022-09-07T22:02:25+00:00

Your life is your own man.

Reading what you wrote here, it seems like you've thought about it and divorce is what you should do. If I were you, I wouldnt worry about what happens to your wife, as the significant majority of women(and this includes your wife, most likely) do not even care one iota about their partners if they've found the bigger& better deal. Who cares if she is forced back on the dating scene again? I assure you, there are still simps who will put it in.

And, I suppose I should temper this with that I acknowledge I have some level of bitterness: who gives a fuck about the stigma of being the man who left his family because he thought he could do better? Women do that shit all of the time! There certainly isnt a stigma in my opinion for women who divorce men who are good overall and remove them from their families.

Your kids are grown too. I see no problem with this to divorce now, no condemnation from me.

jnkboy64 · 2022-09-07T18:59:32+00:00

Its so worth it. I married my best friend of 13 years. We were married for 7. I have a 7yo. I got out because the x was using air duster and i knew she could not control herself. So about 6 dui's later, i have sole physical custody of my boy and for the first time in my life I'm happyish. In going through therapy, i figured out that I'm gay. Seems insane but i somehow knew and didn't know at the same time. Im 47 and just really realized i was gay, im a single father, lost all friends because i was "abusive" and came up with a myasthenia gravis diagnosis. It makes me really weak sometimes. Controlled with meds. Anywhoooooo. All this to say that I've never been happier. I pay alimony of 1300 a month for 4.5 years and receive $30 a month in child support. I still have tons more money than when i was married. X was a SAHW. Just do it and live your best life.

samk002001 · 2022-09-08T01:50:04+00:00

You’re very likely gonna get a big dump on your finances! You need to figure out what’re you gonna out on the table, and you probably gonna have to pay her alimony for a long, long, long, time, and your house, half of your life saving, etc. Go ahead and initiate the talk, and just tell her that you both just grew apart and there’s nobody fault and you just wanna move on!

No_Zone_911 · 2022-09-08T15:47:22+00:00

I used to have the same feelings, although I'm younger than you.

Don't feel bad for her. She will actually move on faster than you. She already knows who she will start seeing if you are out of the picture. ALL women have a backup plan. Even if they aren't exercising it. You'll be surprised how quickly she moves on. This will sound wild but she will probably get laid in less than 2 weeks after y'all separate.

She will be fine. Think about yourself.

But let me warn you. She will quickly move on and in some way he will likely be "better" than you. Younger, richer, more fun, bigger dick, something. Do the mental work now to make sure you are prepared to see that happening.

He's not better than you of course... But that's their hypergamous nature. Make sure, before you hit eject, that you ARE SURE.

Also, if shit sucks between you she's probably already given up anyway. After the shot bubbles, she'll be happy too (for a little while)

SanMiguelDayAllende · 2022-09-08T17:23:02+00:00

If having the conversation is what is stopping you from starting the journey to a new life, then skip it. Interview attorneys and start filing.

I say this because my ex knew this is where I was, so she told me to keep her updated so she wouldn't be blindsided. So like an idiot I did. She then filed before I was able to, making her 'petitioner' which can have some advantage.

I'm sorry your marriage is over, but dude, look out for number one. She's a big girl and can take care of herself. Not your worry. The other side is fucking glorious. Divorce is worth every penny you spend on it.

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-09-09T01:26:38+00:00

You're already fed up, so what else is there? Do you.

Title	Need Exit Velocity
Author	DerekSocal
Upvotes	25
Comments	52
Date	September 7, 2022 6:20 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/x8cdtm/need_exit_velocity/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-exit-velocity.1129699 https://theredarchive.com/post/1129699

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