Can we talk about women who cancel on their friends so they can hang out with a guy?

AutoModerator · 2021-02-07T07:41:54+00:00

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Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-02-06T17:42:24+00:00

This very much is something that pickmes do. As a female friend you're just a placeholder until they get any man in their lives. After a while I would only be friends with women who were single. Then when they did get a boyfriend I knew our relationship was over. They would drift off for months or years.

souredskittles · 2021-02-06T17:47:41+00:00

Yup pickme central. They are probably doing it because the guy is planning last minute and since he’s bread crumbling, they feel like they can’t schedule later.

Honestly, I’d just let them cancel but I wouldn’t invite them out again. They’d have to plan something. When I had a few pickme friends I had to just make new friends and when they pulled this crap I just hung out with my other friend group.

DutyKooky · 2021-02-06T17:55:00+00:00

and when he dumps them, they are back wanting a shoulder to cry on! It is the man who must find time in his schedule for you. Your life does not revolve around him. If he has not made plans in advance, he's out of luck. He'll need to reschedule in advance when you have time. Sisters over Misters! You go ahead with the plans you've made... The funny thing is, guys don't want someone who they didn't have to work hard to get. They will dump that pick-me for the woman who they had to chase, and who didn't make it easy for them to get together.

ScallionOk958 · 2021-02-06T19:42:18+00:00

This happened to me a week ago. She showed me the texts between her and the guy in which he negged her (called her a 7), asked her if she was free, and she responded yes. When she could tell I was upset, she asked me what she should do. I wasn’t about to make her hang out with me so I told her to do what she wanted. Then she asked me what would be best for her situationship and I told her to just do what she wanted. I’ve had enough talk of his favorite bras and panties of hers, how much he likes her ass and her nipples, etc. I should never have introduced them.

She called me after he left to let me know that I could come over again. 7 hours too late.

We are not placeholders for men.

ShoshannaDreyfus · 2021-02-06T18:04:14+00:00

Get new friends

DesperateCheesecake · 2021-02-06T19:38:04+00:00

My friend brought the guy she is seeing to join in on our weekly walk. It was meant to be girl time - ugh

pickadaisy · 2021-02-06T19:23:11+00:00

If a woman is treating me poorly in a friendship whether it’s for a guy or for any other reason, all I’m gonna do is look at the behavior and see if it meets the standards and if it doesn’t meet the standards then I’m not going to be a pick me for that girl.

Yes, it means that I don’t have a lot of female friends that I can rely on. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have any. One of my most reliable friends is in a long-term relationship but she always shows up when she says she’s going to show up.

weekend111 · 2021-02-06T19:24:03+00:00

My college friend would ditch me for any guy she found. And it was up to me to make sure she was safe and unraped. Which meant trying to convince her to go back to her home not to the home of whichever guy she just met. The guy would usually try to intimidate me.

2021-02-06T20:33:13+00:00

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2021-02-06T22:10:18+00:00

Ugh, yeah. It’s one thing to say “Sorry! I already had plans with my bf :(“ but being like “oh sorry i can’t come any more my bf is coming over” like,,?? that’s just being a flaky asshole

Novemberinthechair · 2021-02-06T20:38:35+00:00

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throwawayhelpjelly · 2021-02-06T19:30:58+00:00

I’m going through this currently. My pickme friend will make plans and then show up several hours late because she was flirting with a guy friend her roommate brought over or whatever. The worst part is, she isn’t even in a relationship. She’ll just blow off her friends for a few hours of attention from a guy who hooks up with her occasionally when it’s convenient for him.

Then she cries about why none of these guys are trying to commit to her or trying to make things more than an occasional hookup.

moonartemis1989 · 2021-02-06T17:48:21+00:00

just live your life, carry on with the next thing you had to do . no one is the centre of attention in your life

2021-02-06T22:16:52+00:00

This is how of my friendship with a former best friend ended. I got tired of playing second fiddle, we had planned to meet up for weeks, she ditched me. So I ditched her forever. It was so painful and, over a decade later, I still sometimes think about her. It was the worst break-up of my life. Don't be friends with women like this.

randomgirlimok · 2021-02-06T22:49:28+00:00

I have cut out all friends who do this.

DutyKooky · 2021-02-07T06:19:00+00:00

I have always found it so odd, that people on virtual and anonymous spaces such as reddit will be so helpful and supportive of you - and they never met you nor do they know you. But the people you know and have met in real life, have some semblance of relationship with, people you have helped even, with whom you have a real human connection - will often
go from being nice to you, to suddenly ignoring you, abandoning you, and treating you like shit, badmouthing you. This is a real paradox of human existence to me.... I have hard time understanding it ..

2021-02-06T23:37:15+00:00

Man, I had this super PickMe friend and she on MULTIPLE occasions invited fuckboys to our hangouts. Then these dudes proceeded to make the whole night about them. Mostly because she let them...

2021-02-07T04:04:55+00:00

Ugh, I hate this! They always say they're "busy" but really they're just leaving their schedule free in case their new boy toy decides to plan something last minute.

And then they get mad at you when you call them out on their behavior and how they are neglecting their friendship. So you start pulling away... And then they breakup and she's crying at your doorstep.

The amount of time this happened to me in my teens and early twenties.... I think I didn't have friends for a year because I had to re evaluate how I pick my friends cause I was tired of being let down.

2021-02-06T20:10:09+00:00

Friend of mine deep in pickme culture often leaves our hangouts early to meet up with her NVM. The times she doesn’t leave to see him, she has to call him during our plans. It’s like the NVM is looming in our relationship.

I stopped inviting her to events when I knew her disengagement would hurt my feelings. I stopped relying on her for emotional support bc she can’t give it when she’s embroiled with her NVM.

I’ve tried to introduce FDS ideas to her but she gets defensive or cannot comprehend my point. Sad because she’s highly intelligent and considers herself a feminist, but a pickme mindset is holding her back from true freedom and happiness.

DutyKooky · 2021-02-07T06:21:26+00:00

And you know, that dudes would never cancel their boys' night out to hang out with you. And if you are sick and need care/ help/ something happened to you - they will guilt you hard-core for making them " miss out" on boys night. And will resent you for it.

MulticoloredCatMug · 2021-02-06T23:00:43+00:00

I just stop talking to women who do this. If someone cancels on me more than once, I just make new friends.

RabidWench · 2021-02-06T23:19:36+00:00

Yup. I can't advise you definitively, but I can tell you the last time a friend did this to me, I literally hung up after our conversation and never called her again. People who do not respect my time, and who do not prioritize their own properly are not needed in my life. If you make plans with me, I expect you to follow through, in a timely manner. If you must excuse yourself it should be for a good reason such as illness, and it shouldn't be fucking disrespectful of our relationship. This is how I treat my own friends because I value them, and I expect reciprocity.

helena939392 · 2021-02-06T23:37:03+00:00

Yes. I had a best friend of 7 years ghost me because of a NVM. I spent an entire new years eve alone because she stopped returning my texts to be with that loser guy on new years. We fell out of "friendship" that night and never spoke again because she never apologized or returned to me in any sort of way.

Two months later she broke up with the guy and is now living together with some older ugly dude who pays for her stuff. She has cheated on every boyfriend she ever had and has been engaged three times. Now she's 31 and doesn't have anything of her own. I hope someday she learns to be happy on her own. I wish her all well but she did a shit thing to me.

jargon_explosion · 2021-02-07T03:27:52+00:00

Only ever be with people who show up when they say they will. People only get so many chances to be a flake. If they cancel plans then it better come with a good reason, an apology, and a suggestion to reschedule.

Alarming-Midnight-73 · 2021-02-07T04:55:34+00:00

I had some friends like this in high school. We're in our 20s now and some have changed, some didn't. Like with any other relationship in life, match their energy.

2021-02-06T17:48:50+00:00

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dancedance_83 · 2021-02-06T23:14:08+00:00

I still have a clear memory of doing this when I was 18 (I’m 28 now). It was a month or so before graduation and one of my best friends at the time wanted to get a few last hangouts in before we went off to separate schools. She wanted to do something wholesome like watch a movie at her house and listen to records together. But I cancelled on her and gave her a BS reason because my FWB at the time asked me to “chill” with him aka give him head after already telling me he didn’t want to be my boyfriend. Of course after I met with the guy, I felt awful because what I was doing was awful, he was awful and I had ditched my poor friend for no good reason. Awful.

I don’t think I ever told her the real reason why I didn’t meet up with her or apologize, but man I still remember that and feel terrible about it. We aren’t friends anymore for other reasons (we grew apart) but it still serves as a lesson to not treat your friends like that.

2021-02-07T07:11:15+00:00

I find it difficult to make friends with women who have partners.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-02-07T11:20:53+00:00

yes! I have several long stories similar to these. and the painful reality is that they call their friend to nurse their wounds when the man kicks them to the curb.

it really sucks and it's quite painful to see what cockholm does to pickmes. I have this friend, now more of an acquaintance (ex friend?) and we reconnected again after she dumped her abusive (as in he would beat her up) ex. her own sister was tired of her antics - girl got on OLD pretty fast after and she would bring guys in her sister's home to drink and chat n the midst of covid.

when the sister was fed up with her, she crushed at my place. I would be making room for her and planning a weekend and she would tell me an hour into our meetup that in half she had to meet this guy she met on OLD. she pleaded with me to help her get her stuff from her abusive ex only to get back with him for a week or so after for the "amazing rough sex".

I did feel like I was part of a very awkward comedy movie.

so basically, to her, our weekends as friends were just an excuse to meet up with men. she would shower at my place, eat the food I cooked and then get dressed and hop in a taxi to meet with scrotes. 8 hours of the day she would be on her date. our "quality time" was frequently interrupted by DMs from her scrotes and her nights were spent texting.

she would come back at my place (because her sister was mad at her), wash and go to bed. a month of dating and searching and she found the scrote of her life. she messaged me on Thursday and just told me there have been changes in her life and she also had to move and she said she was a mess... yada yada yada.

I don't have to guess to know that the scrote broke up with her. I learned my lesson plus I am not her therapist.

Delilahh12345 · 2021-02-08T18:03:20+00:00

My supposed "best friend" from college told me she never wanted to see me again after she got a boyfriend for the first time in her life. She had always been desperate for a relationship, but I didn't realize I was disposable. It came totally out of the blue.

dancedance_83 · 2021-02-06T23:26:07+00:00

Also let a friend go partially because of this not too long ago. We already were drifting apart anyway (she ended up being a racist), and in a fight she tried to call me a shitty friend because I told her I wasn’t comfortable talking to her about George Floyd. Mind you, I’d been there for her through all kinds of abuse she endured during our 6 year friendship, and she was there for me for my shit and when I was in a relationship but I never dropped her for my bf at the time. Anyway, once I told her where to shove it, she comes back and apologizes to me and said she basically said that she called me shitty friend because she was depressed and mistaken. And I told her if you mean it, you need to work it out with me and talk to me. She said she needed a week to call me because she’s been “so busy.”

It turns out the whole week she “needed” was because she was taking care of her (not really) ex who had been ignoring her for 5 years but decided to hit her up when he needed to be cared for after a surgery and “no one” was there to help him. Before we had a fight I already told her I felt like he was using her and couldn’t be bothered. But she thought because they made out and “touched each other” below the belt it meant something. I should have known then her priorities weren’t even straight... I mean already on top of disrespecting me the way she did. We didn’t last long after that. I’m sure she’s still “”with”” him.

** I say not really ex because they had never been officially together. He cheated on all of his girlfriends with her.

CoffeewithjustMilk · 2021-02-07T00:13:57+00:00

My old roommate said to me one night “I was going to ask you if you wanted to watch TV tonight but didn’t in case {loser guy she had been hooking up with for months without commitment} texts me. Guess what? We watched TV together.

2021-02-07T11:22:07+00:00

I would suggest you find new friends or be friends with people who are will make time for you as friendships are something important to manage just like other types of relationships.

I have a friend whose dating (and tbh he sounds like a manchild) and since then all her free time has been spent with him yet she wonders why I'm more distant. The weird thing is that I have other friends who are married to wonderful partners and are able to make time. So imo, I think the rule would be the same for friendships. If they care, they will make the time and effort, if not, move on and find better friends.

snootdidanoot · 2021-02-07T11:51:16+00:00

I had 2 best friends, one male one female, for almost a decade. They started dating and I thought it was the best thing in the world! Wrong. Once they started dating they acted like they were too good for me, spread horrendous lies about me and never bothered replying to my messages.

JaneIsaPain · 2021-02-08T04:43:36+00:00

My ex bestie used to do this alllll the time when she got into a r/s.

Once I decided to do it to her once I had a bf to see her reaction. She was livid.

I now seek out women who do not do this.

Title	Can we talk about women who cancel on their friends so they can hang out with a guy?
Author	kalliecat
Upvotes	325
Comments	70
Date	February 6, 2021 3:49 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/le05r1/can_we_talk_about_women_who_cancel_on_their/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/can-we-talk-about-women-who-cancel-on-their.1192854 https://theredarchive.com/post/1192854

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