I put “incel” in quotes because it’s not technically accurate. I lost my virginity early, had sex here & there over the years, but was just uninspired about meeting women, rarely got women I truly desired, and had just a general mopey & “victim playing” attitude. Gross. Unattractive.

I had a rough stretch late 20s/early 30s (major health problems, job problems) which was not conducive to excelling in the dating world, but it was still pretty pathetic and way, way below my potential. By mid 30s, I said “enough” and transformed myself: both physically and my attitude. And the results have been highly beneficial.

Here’s a small snapshot, all from 2019 and early 2020 before Covid hit.

  • Wedding: heavy makeout/petting session behind a curtain with a woman I just started randomly dancing with. Got her number and she sent me flirty messages and said she’d hit me up if she was ever in my city.

  • Regular at bar I frequent: Sex on 2nd date with gorgeous woman 10 years my junior. She kinda looked like Kelly Kapowski. When we got back to my apartment, she straight up jumped on me once we sat on my couch.

  • Bar (bachelor party): makeout session with a woman 13 years my junior followed by some flirty texts later that night. Knew this one wasn’t going anywhere but it was fun.

  • Hinge date: she turned out to be pretty boring, but makeout session an hour into first date on (empty) back patio of bar.

  • Bar: cute girl I’d just met 8-10 years my junior (friend of my brother). After chatting we dance a bit and she just closes her eyes and arches up her neck to be kissed.

  • Friend of friend: Kiss on first date. Amazing sex at her place on 2nd. Afterwards she wrapped herself around me and fell asleep on me like I just rocked her world. This one turned into a little something and we dated for like 6 weeks.

  • Bumble date: Drinks then I took her on a walk down to a sick view of our city’s skyline (pre-planned spot by me) where we made out on a bench. She was nice/cute but not my type so I politely texted her that there wasn’t a spark.

Quarantine, took a break until things started opening in my area. Chatted casually with a few women on dating apps, but nothing serious.

  • Hinge date: Makeout session on 2nd date which led into her dry riding me on the couch. Enormous, perfect boobs on this woman bouncing in my face. At that moment I’m thinking how worth it all my efforts have been. If only the lumpy, mopey version of me from 4 years ago could see this. Sex on 3rd date. 3 times at night, again the next morning. She texts me the next night saying she loves sleeping next to me. I actually quite like her so will continue pursuing.

Here are my suggestions based on what worked for me (some of this obviously applies to a pre-Covid 19 world, but at some point we’ll be back to normal):

1) Get in shape. You don’t control your facial bone structure or your height but you do control your physique, so work to maximize its appeal. You don’t necessarily have to get shredded, but just put some effort in. Showing you care about being healthy & strong is itself an attractive trait. And it WILL raise your confidence level. I’ve had women I barely know literally stroke my forearms while remarking how veiny they are.

How’d I do it? I went to the gym 4 days a week where, frankly, I didn’t even kill myself or lift crazy amounts of weight (peaked 220 bench). I’m the farthest thing from a “gym guru”. I don’t even do squats cause they bother my hips. But I was consistent. Then I counted calories (cheat days here & there) and protein intake and I achieved a nice physique. Nothing complicated. Just took dedication which all of us is capable of. Too poor, busy to go to the gym? Not an excuse. Find the money, get up at 5am. If you’re really too poor, get a pull up bar and do a home workout (this is what I’ve been doing while my gym is closed for C-19). Then get a better job, too.

2) Put some effort into dressing well. You don’t have to go nuts. If you suck at fashion, learn a little and ask a female friend and/or gay guy friend. Nice pair of jeans (I like Joe’s), black tshirt, cool shoes, a watch but subtle, not blingy (Hamiltons are classy mid-range ones, Apple watch is fine too). Buy some nice sunglasses. Maui Jims if you have some $$ to spend. $60 pair at Costco (they have some older model designer brands) if not. Try to look “sexy”. This is subjective and varies based on the guy, but play around (stubble?) and ask female friends for advice.

3) If you online date…NAIL your photos. I cannot stress this enough. Really put some thought into them so that they say “this is a nice, interesting/cool guy”. If you have more than 1 selfie, your profile sucks.

4) Be busy. You have lots of constructive stuff you need to attend to in your life: work (and this could be its own long post about having stability), hobbies, volunteering at animal shelter, projects, family time, etc etc. That means that time you dedicate to her is valuable which reinforces your self-worth and makes her feel special. And when you’re with her, by the way, you’re 100% focused on her.

5) On dates: YOU plan them (at least in the beginning). Don’t tell her everything you’re doing. Keep some mystery. Add some fun! You’re taking her on a hike? Good choice. Bring a dog (yours or your wingman’s), bring a Frisbee, bring binoculars cause you know about some cool bird species that you can show her, you grabbed some red velvet cupcakes from this killer bakery you’re going to tell her about.

I’m not going to tell you specifically how to act because I don’t know you or what works for you, but as a general guideline watch the movie “Crazy, Stupid, Love” and pay attention to Steve Carell’s character post-transformation. (Gosling’s character is hilarious & pimp, but Carell’s is much more real world realistic/genuine). Great moment in that clip at 0:10 when the old version of him is gazing with jealousy at the new, improved version.

You’re engaged in her (eye contact!), you’re curious about her, quick interesting anecdote about yourself relating to what she’s saying (“Vietnam, really? My friend & I got lost in Saigon and a street vendor fed us the best Banh Mi I’ve ever had, told us his life story, then got us to our hotel.”), then back to her.

Personally I don’t do arrogant. At all. I throw in a little cocky funny but only when it’s completely natural and fitting for the moment. Humor is absolutely heart-meltingly lethal if you’re funny, but if you’re not funny, that’s okay! Don’t force it, just smile and laugh at things around you (“haha look at that little dog chasing those ducks”). Being playful and laughing is attractive.

Always what I call “back-pocket” things she says. So if she’s telling you about her family and she quickly mentions her sister lives in Montana, don’t necessarily remark on it right away. “Back pocket” it and bring it up later. “So hey, you said your sister lives in Montana. That’s so cool! I’ve always wanted to see Glacier. Have you visited her out there?” You listened to what she said, remembered it, and now care enough to show curiosity. One woman told me her pets’ names when we were chatting over text. When we met up for our 1st date, I asked “so how are Ratso & Quinn?” She melted. We were making out not 20 minutes later. Another woman on a 1st date said she loves Mojitos. I didn’t acknowledge in the moment, but guess what I made for us on our next date…

My absolute favorite point in Manson’s “Models” is his spot-on accurate observation that “she’s rooting for you.” She WANTS you to be a great guy that she’s helplessly attracted to. All you have to do is fulfill that fundamental desire. This is highly motivating.

There is no paint-by-numbers ideal approach and all the same stuff that worked for me won’t work for everyone. And I’m not even saying much original stuff here (“Get in shape, huh? What a brilliant observation, Watermelon_BBQ…”). But the point is that the big things are not complicated. You just have to put the work in. High quality women want high quality men. I was not a high quality man for a long time…physically or my mopey attitude. I worked to become one and it has significantly improved my degree of success with the fairer sex.

There are a ton more little things I could enumerate like “get more female friends” or “have a super comfortable, cozy bed” (I’ve had women text me the words: “I miss your bed”. My response: “I miss having you in it”) but that’s not what this post is about. It’s about the big controllable things that any of us are capable of and which make a huge, noticeable difference. I’m living proof.

EDIT: I removed (an irrelevant) reference to a woman's nationality. Aiming for positive & constructive with this post, not a ticking boxes tone.