Dating - boundaries

bkdad75 · 2024-07-05T14:09:40+00:00

She said she doesn't see you guys being a family without cohabitation. That's probably a more defensible position than "nobody ever has a long term relationship without cohabiting". Maybe you don't want to be her family, maybe that's where you two differ.

I can imagine being close to a woman other than my ex, and I can imagine that lasting a long time, maybe even "forever". I can even imagine getting married again. Thinking of anyone other than my blood relatives as "family" though... for me that might be something that's behind me for good.

I just couldn't believe it, no matter how much I wanted to. True family bonds are as tough and heavy as iron. It doesn't matter whether you want them anymore, they're a fact and almost nothing can truly break them. The pretend family bond of marriage is plastic painted to look like it.

Would living real close to one another but still separately be an option?

potatotornado44 · 2024-07-05T13:37:14+00:00

It’s really funny how women’s boundaries are to be respected 100% and never questioned, but men’s boundaries are “unrealistic“.

The nerve of some of them is just off the charts. If it’s not going to work out with this woman, dump her.

Women love to try and make us feel like we’ll never get anyone else, but there are millions upon millions of women out there.

Too many women are infected with “only woman in the world“ syndrome. Believe me boys, they are a dime a dozen.

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2024-07-05T13:11:54+00:00

“… boundaries are unrealistic and nobody will go for them.”

There’s a wrench for every nut. That was a manipulative statement.

VegasZac · 2024-07-05T10:15:03+00:00

Your boundaries are exactly that… your boundaries. And they are perfectly acceptable. If not to her, that’s not your problem.

I have the same boundaries. Went through divorce hell like all of us here and I’m not keen to do it again. I’m currently just over 2 years into my current relationship and my gf is just fine. I was very up front when it was obvious we’d continue seeing each other after the first few dates - I will never, ever get married again. And, while I’m not closed off to cohabitating fully, it’s highly unlikely and way off in the future. Like 10 years or more, if ever.

She’s totally fine with that, and we are on the same page. She has her own house, and when we do things together we split cost down the middle, 50/50. As she put it, she doesn’t want to support another adult, and doesn’t want to be supported by another adult. And that’s exactly where I’m at.

I realize she’s in the minority of women. She also continues to show true empathy to my needs, and takes accountability for her life and actions. If any of that changes… well, guess I’ll just move on. Easy to do with no entanglements. They are out there, but boy did I have to sift through some garbage to find her. Hold your boundaries op, nothing wrong there. She ain’t the one.

otusowl · 2024-07-05T03:56:43+00:00

Living Apart Together is not only a realistic boundary, the concept has a whole subreddit! Maybe point your gf toward https://www.reddit.com/r/livingaparttogether/ for a glimpse.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-07-05T03:04:27+00:00

Not unrealistic as long as you have your daughter part time - who needs that complexity of the gf-daughter battles

roshi-roshi · 2024-07-05T03:03:00+00:00

If I ever get involved again with anyone but will have to be the easiest thing in the world. I will have to find them attractive and we will have to agree on music, politics and spirituality. We’d have to be authentic too. I’m not putting up with shit ever again. But of of course, ‘being in love does fuck our brains. 😍

l3landgaunt · 2024-07-04T23:32:09+00:00

I’m not opposed to cohabitation again, but she’s going to have to understand that we’re treating it like a rental complete with legal agreements just for my protection. I know one couple that divorced and then remarried each other but live apart so it’s really what works for you. If you let her know you’ve been hurt and you’re just protecting yourself she should understand

andyc20041 · 2024-07-04T22:18:05+00:00

I’m not looking to move in with anyone at the moment. You say the distance helps to keep you missing them. I agree with you on that too. I wouldn’t object to moving in with someone after several years of being good friends but it would definitely have to be the perfect person and have an agreement set up if our relationship changes how we will handle things. I’m encouraging every person I know that is getting married to have a prenup no matter how much money they have on the line. I’m not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination but I wish I would have had one now.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-07-04T21:22:44+00:00

2 year shelf life max.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-07-04T21:15:17+00:00

I'd agree with your last line, and why it's so riciculous when (even here) goes guy go 'you don't need the govt involved lol'.

Realistically, everyone women is going to want commitment from you. It's just the next step once the New Dick Energy wears off.

It's perfectly reasonable for you not to want to go to that next step, as well here all know how that can turn out half the time.

Just have to also understand it means you'll be swapping GF's every 1-2 years.

Embarrassed-Steak331 · 2024-07-04T20:37:58+00:00

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-share-of-u-s-adults-are-living-without-a-spouse-or-partner/

It's complex. ^^^. But this article suggests partnering has quite a few benefits.

Unfortunately, at 50+ for me and renting, and a huge disparate between the haves and have nots (home ownership in a mega expensive city), women are either dependent (nuh uh for me) or super independent (nuh uh for them). So finding the right partner in the sweet spot between the two, which doesn't exist, is like finding a needle in a haystack. The middle class has been obliterated.

So far dating has been flings that last a few months to a couple of years. I'm either a boy toy for a woman sitting on a 1.5 million dollar home or I'm a provider for a girl with absolutely no retirement plan.

The girls who are sitting on 1.5 million dollar homes became millionaires in the last five years and a bit by luck. I lost my home after the 2% loans and now the housing market is wonky. But funny enough, those women tend to make less than me. Divorce is a bit too favorable to women.

Betteroffalone1111 · 2024-07-04T20:20:10+00:00

Women find comfort that they got you locked down, hence why she wants to move in with you

NewDay0110 · 2024-07-04T20:10:33+00:00

The more I try dating the less interested I am in women. I was on the way to getting a relationship going for a bit but then stepped back after expectations of me started to creep in. I just don't see myself integrating someone else so deeply into my life anymore after that divorce. I'm have such peace now. It's terrific not having a "boss" deciding how I spend my free time or things I'm not allowed to do. Enjoy your freedom OP!

savage_cabbages · 2024-07-04T19:58:21+00:00

I'm divorced and in a three year relationship with a great woman.

We've not lived together in the same house, she has hers, I have mine and it's great. I'll go and hang out with her at her place for 2-3 nights or vice versa. When my kid isn't with me, I get time to myself.

We look forward to our time together, go on regular dates, and attend each other's family and friends events.

We've talked about potentially living together in the future, but that's at least another 3-4 years away. I'm used to this setup and honestly not too keen to change it but will see what happens. Could be a bit tricky also as she has adult kids living with her. They may be moved out by then.

Living with a woman changes things. Maybe yours is coming at it from a family angle, but may also be thinking of the financial benefits?

If it ain't broke....but unfortunately, it sounds like she thinks it is.

Maybe you could suggest a trial of sorts. Ask her to stay with you for a week or two and then have a conversation with each other about how it went? She may change her mind and want to keep the current arrangement.

TechnicalAd5152 · 2024-07-04T19:51:11+00:00

Yea never, I see no benefit doing that again, no matter how "perfect" she is I don't need someone nagging me every other day about nonsense. I once had to drill three different hole heights for peepholes because ex wants it lower then MIL comes.over and says that looks goofy and wants to move it. Insane

TheBoyBand · 2024-07-04T19:46:50+00:00

And he said unto her… byeee Felicia ✌🏽

Good for you OP!

TipHeftyMan · 2024-07-04T19:46:20+00:00

Totally the same here.

2.5 years in a relationship which seems to be working just fine.

I recognise the “missing her” and also that there is no arguments over inconsequential things.

I also think I’m a bit of a people pleaser, and the physical boundary helps me be myself.

Our incoming government here in the UK has also said they are going to look at making common law marriage a thing for cohabiting couples, so even if I wanted to move in I couldn’t risk losing half my stuff again

Title	Dating - boundaries
Author	ramad84
Upvotes	28
Comments	53
Date	July 4, 2024 7:28 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dvf5ra/dating_boundaries/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dating-boundaries.1523275 https://theredarchive.com/post/1523275

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