Guys with small social networks, how are you after divorce?

Beamformer · 2024-07-23T01:30:32+00:00

My social network was near zero...but A mix of OLD and just going out (alone or with a friend) work well. There are so many divorced women (unironically).

Exactly65536 · 2024-07-18T14:32:25+00:00

I think your concern is valid.

You might divorce and find out that the absence of fun and fulfillment had nothing to do with your wife.

Unless there's violence or abuse, being married usually doesn't prevent anyone from having fun.

I went through a divorce at 30 and had no social network to speak of, but I was never bored, always struggling to allocate enough time for sleep.

Own-Imagination3020 · 2024-07-17T19:42:54+00:00

I feel you my man, it’s a similar feeling when you start realizing the documentation (pictures, habits, etc.) of your life were so intermingled that you don’t have a solo identity and need to rebuild it. All in due time! I do have a small network of friends from out of state that I connect with mostly virtually & I’ve made more community connections through local events, hobbies, etc. to take care of myself, work through my grief with support, etc. I’d recommend doing the same tbh. Start investing that energy back into you 💪

black65Cutlass · 2024-07-17T14:13:05+00:00

I am doing ok. 58 and divorced for 2 years. I have just my parents as family anymore. I have rekindled a few friendships that withered during the 4 years we were married. I have a pretty close work friend that I do things with as well. Living alone with my cat. I do stuff on the weekends with either friends or my parents. It is a quiet life but so much better than when I was married to my lunatic ex-wife. I go to the gym 5 or 6 days a week after work. I have some hobbies that keep me busy when I want to be. Life isn't bad. I have not dated in the 2 years since the divorce but thinking about it.

a_day_at_a_timee · 2024-07-17T14:12:35+00:00

Take up golf/tennis/rock climbing/whatever.
Find some playing partners
Profit!

I play golf 3 times a week and have several buddies to hang out with. Guys are better at relationships that involve collectively “doing something”.

C20H25N3O-C21H30O2 · 2024-07-17T04:45:10+00:00

Marriage will make your social circle even smaller. Take a leap of faith. Work on yourself, explore new hobbies and attend related social gatherings. You'll meet new people with similar interests.

BlackPowderPodcast · 2024-07-17T04:11:04+00:00

Travel

DocumentOwn690 · 2024-07-17T04:01:42+00:00

32m Separated since February after 14 years together. It was really rough for a while, often having thoughts of “Ope, that’s right I don’t have any friends. No one who cares that knows what’s going on. No one knows how I’m feeling.” I just felt completely isolated. I learned the term existential loneliness. So that was fun.

I started going to whatever events I could find on Facebook in my town that sounded marginally interesting. I met someone(“H”) at one of them and we talked a ton for about a month. Then I think she realized that I’m not going to be up for dating any time soon(I had told her that previously), so she more or less ghosted. We still talk very occasionally.

The day after I met H though, I ran into a mutual friend who I hadn’t talked to in years. I told her that I wasn’t doing well and I didn’t have anyone to spend time with. Ever since then I’ll get periodic invites to play board games or just hang out with her and her family. It’s been nice and has been great to just feel included in something. Accepted wherever I was and am. Free to just exist in a shared space.

In the interim, since that was now almost 3 months ago, I also started chatting with a couple people that I connected with on r/needafriend.

That ended a month or so ago now too. But between all of those connections(and a few more that are meaningful but less frequent) and just getting over some mental health humps, I’m in a much better place than I was. Therapy has been huge too.

It’s scary, lonely, and a fucking weird transition. But there are people who care or will care. Sometimes you just have to tell people what you need. Sometimes you don’t know yourself. But, connection is connection.

LorienLeef · 2024-07-17T00:21:38+00:00

I’ve only been separated a few weeks, but have come to realize how reliant I’ve been on her for the social dynamic in our lives. I’m lonely and see that I actively need to change a lot about myself or I will probably lead a lonely life devoid of the type of connections I’d like to have with other people, romantic and platonic. I’ll prob get a cat soon too because having a weirdo panther in your house sparks joy.

I do get the impression that you won’t be happy in or outside of your marriage. You are the common thread in all that happens to and around you. Look inside first, but definitely don’t stay in a marriage on the thought you need it to not be lonely. That’s not fair to either of you.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-07-16T22:43:28+00:00

I don't think your social situation should have much factor in if you divorce or not.

But that said, I hadn't spoken to most of my friends in almost two years prior to my divorce, largely due to my ex wanting to pull away from them. I've reconnected with some, but they're all married with kids now, so it's more like once every few months I might see them, so with everyone together, it's usually just work and me on weekdays, and 2-3x a month I'll spend an evening with some friends.

hairy_russian · 2024-07-16T22:27:17+00:00

BRO !!! WTF!!!

You are miserable being married and you think you will be happy being divorced? But afraid of being lonely? Did you get married because you thought being married would make you happy?

You know you can be single and unhappy.

Go get therapy, figure out what you want. If you need friends go make some. (Meetups, hobies, gym, etc)

You being unhappy is a you problem.

If you are positive marriage is a major cause go ahead and get divorced. You have no kids that you mentioned, you are only married three years so alimony is not a huge issue and probably not that many assets to divide. Move to be closer to your friends; then be lonely bc they are with their family.

Figure your shit out.

WittyBeautiful7654 · 2024-07-16T21:33:24+00:00

It's lonely a lot. Spend a bunch of time at work. I date some even that's wearing thin. I talk to friends but the conversation can't go anywhere.. cause of well they're our friends. I don't know I'm only six months out..

ADivorcedGuy · 2024-07-16T19:22:30+00:00

Honestly, your friend and family network has little, or nothing, to do with the question of " am I with the right person and can I continue on with this person"

You can always expand your friends. When I got divorced I had no family near me and my then couple friends all disappeared. I rebuilt my life and made new friends. That is the answer. Don't let current circles dictate what you do. Do what makes sense based on your current situation.

My $.02

Theedon · 2024-07-16T19:01:32+00:00

I am a hermit, but people keep checking in on me.

Slow_Complex9685 · 2024-07-16T18:11:40+00:00

Lol. Your first paragraph sounds pretty much like what I became. The American Dream is bullshit. Now it's going into a huge amount of debt, being miserable trying to live it, divorce, therapy, trying to make ends meet, trying to advance professionally, maybe start a business or hopefully having financial freedom, etc. I didn't sign up for this shit. Too much stress.

Much like you I have a pretty much non existent network of friends, some family here but seldom stay in touch. I, personally, really don't mind it much. I'm more of a keep to myself kind of person.

Have you thought about, maybe, some support groups in your area? Could give you the opportunity to meet new people and grow your network. Anything promising with work colleagues? Maybe use the new found freedom to get out and meet new people? It might take some time but you could grow your network, it's up to you really.

Good luck dude!

This_Train340i · 2024-07-16T17:56:21+00:00

Sunk cost fallacy

The sunk cost fallacy is a cognitive bias that occurs when individuals continue to invest resources (time, money, effort) in a course of action because of the resources already committed, despite the fact that it no longer serves their best interests or provides a positive outcome. This fallacy is based on the premise that committing to the current plan is justified because resources have already been committed.

Examples

Watching a movie that’s not meeting expectations because you’ve already invested 30 minutes of your time.
Continuing to invest in a failing business project because of the resources already spent.
Staying in a stagnant relationship because of the emotional investment.

Characteristics

Irrational decision-making based on past costs rather than future benefits.
Loss aversion: the perceived loss of resources already invested feels worse than the potential gain of abandoning the endeavor.
Status quo bias: the tendency to stick with the current situation due to the sunk costs.

Consequences

Wasting additional resources (time, money, effort) on a futile endeavor.
Inflating confidence in a situation that’s no longer beneficial.
Missing opportunities for better alternatives.

Key Takeaways

Recognize the sunk cost fallacy in yourself and others.
Evaluate decisions based on future benefits and costs, not past investments.
Be willing to abandon a course of action that no longer serves your interests.
Focus on the potential gains and losses of future decisions, rather than the resources already committed.

Nyoobwsb · 2024-07-16T17:53:20+00:00

I'm naturally an extrovert but only kept few close friends about 3 in total. Obviously we all have life to take care so rarely see each other. I realized best way to stay out of depression is to take a nice walk during night time, focus on myself with projects. Stay out of drinking because it drives you emotional

Sharp_Preference7083 · 2024-07-16T17:22:02+00:00

Bro why did you get married if you're over it within 3 years? The suburban life sounds perfect for someone like me, why would you throw it all away to chase after something you can't even catch? Like, married or not you can do these things. What makes you think your life will be fulfilled after a divorce? You seem to be struggling to find things to do, it's going to be a lot worse once you're all alone.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-07-16T17:11:42+00:00

Join a couple leagues cornhole, bowling, volleyball, golf, volleyball , pickleball. When married my one night out a week made the bad marriage tolerable. After marriage you can expand and join more to keep busy. Going to the bar by yourself forces you to make friends too.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2024-07-16T17:09:11+00:00

I did the online thing, I force myself to go out, go out salsa dancing, I approach ANYONE that looks friendly.

I went from nothing, to more chicks and stuff that I could do.

It sucks for sure to be a "single" dad, there is a stigma for sure.

mattinator2012 · 2024-07-16T17:08:50+00:00

My immediate move was to reach out to each and every person in my social framework and nail down those relationships and get them to an amazing place. Second, I'm now going out of my way to be social. Using dating apps, going to the gym, getting out of the house every day, playing video games with my friends in Discord; they're all very effective.

Heavy-Bench-5378 · 2024-07-16T16:56:40+00:00

I formerly had a large network of friends. Little by little, my wife cut them out of the picture and we defaulted to the husbands of her friends became my friends. My college buddies... gone. My cousins... gone. My parents and brothers...gone. All but 2 friends. My wife became friends with one of their wives and now that she filed for divorce, he defected to her side. My family is 350 miles away, recently my 17 year old and I drove up to my hometown and I was able to lean on my huge extended family as my wife and I battle for custody of my two younger kids.

My advice, get on OKCupid, or one of the apps. Make female friends. Go to meetups, mixers, hikes, the beach, church, add people on instagram, get yourself in shape, at 36... you've got a lot ahead of you. Lean on your parents or any other relative. Pickup a good book to motivate you, immerse yourself in work. Get a Therapist.

Hope this helps. I'm in the trenches as well.

PurchaseOk4075 · 2024-07-16T16:35:12+00:00

It’s a struggle sometimes. I feel ya man .Getting used to being with myself again takes time. I’m going to a gym and doing team workouts. Getting out and doing something is beneficial. Sometimes I force myself to go get a beer and burger and watch a game. Last time out I met a cute girl. So never would have happened if sitting around.

ArtichokeSavings9472 · 2024-07-16T16:34:58+00:00

A te set building one just because you don’t have one doesn’t mean you can’t get one . Bigger picture here why did you allow yourself to go so long without a friends group strong dependable masculine friends are crucial for us guys to keep and hang out with regularly

ooomn57 · 2024-07-16T16:34:16+00:00

It depends, I am an ambivert (that is an introvert who is capable of being an extrovert when needed), so having a small social network is not something that concerns me.

However, the advice I can give you is to focus on maintaining your relationship with yourself first, then your relatives and close friends. Make the few people you know even closer to you.

Try to change something about your personality, try to love solitude and appreciate your own company. You can't achieve this without having some productive habits, physical exercising is always the first thing that will help.

It's about quality not quantity when it comes to relationships, having a few acquaintances who are close people you can trust is far better than having a large shallow social network.

Best of luck!

landy_109 · 2024-07-16T16:33:33+00:00

Struggling. I found out I have 0 friends, they all picked her side. Nothing here for me, is there? I mean... not even prospects on dates.

Title	Guys with small social networks, how are you after divorce?
Author	throwaway354182
Upvotes	21
Comments	32
Date	July 16, 2024 4:20 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1e4su1d/guys_with_small_social_networks_how_are_you_after/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/guys-with-small-social-networks-how-are-you-after.1524464 https://theredarchive.com/post/1524464

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Sunk cost fallacy