Back to square one.

ExcellentAd7477 · 2024-08-28T14:26:55+00:00

Find a good shrink. Just 1-2 sessions can really help if they are a professional.

No-Marsupial1823 · 2024-08-27T17:36:11+00:00

Atleast she’s running it by you. My ex brought her new bf which is her ex before me around our kids and didn’t blink. They’re going to do what they want. They owe us no loyalty. Some feel they don’t even owe us respect. So you have to try to eventually put your feelings, pride, anger and hurt behind you and do what you want in your life instead of sitting around worrying about what she’s doing or who she has around.

stupididiot78 · 2024-08-27T07:11:47+00:00

I sometimes think I should reach out and ask her why she can’t love me or try for the sake of our boys.

That right there is reason enough not to care. She doesn't. She had 3 kids with you and she's treating you like this. Good people don't do that. The fact that she's making a conscious choice to do the things that she's doing is enough to make her a bad choice for you. Don't feel jealous of this new guy. He's swooping into this shit show. Either feel bad for him because of what he's getting himself into or at least laugh at this idiot who is choosing to put himself in this situation with a woman who treats thr father of her children this way. Seriously, this is what she does to the person she decided to make 2 entirely new people with. Does he really think that things are going to go better for him?

druid_enacla · 2024-08-27T00:56:08+00:00

I hear ya man. Divorce after believing somebody to be your best friend who also took a vow to stay with you to the end... sucks. Hard. I struggled immensely when we seperated. Got myself into a pretty dark space between the ears which really warped my thinking towards the world. Plunged me into a fairly debilitating depression for a few years. Thankfully I found an absolutely amazing therapist who helped me untwist a lot of bad thinking. I'm sure lots of people would say 'Duh!' to some of the things I learned, but one of the big ones was that I can choose what to entertain in my head and that it had a HUGE effect on mental state. We had some incredible times together so I would sit & reminisce in my mind over those great times. It's something alcoholics will call 'euphoric recall' where we can remember the good times in a situation and not remember the bad times.

Another big thing that helped me was a book by Corey Wayne called 'How To Be A 3% Man'. You can actually download it for free from his website understandingrelationships.com and he's got thousands of videos on YouTube. As I read through the book, I began thinking, 'Wow, if I had read this earlier I might have been able to save my marriage.' but after finishing it (and starting to read it again) I realized if I had known that information beforehand... I NEVER would have married her in the first place.

Every once in a while I'll start to think about her and I immediately recognize I need to get my mind on something else or I'll get going down that depressive path of self-pity again. Thoughts come and go, but it's a choice which we choose to entertain. The mind is the house of our life; visitors may come and go, but it's MY choice who gets entertained. Get busy. On something healthy. Therapy is never a bad idea either even just to get an objective take on the matter. You've got kids. Be present for them. Keep your emotions in check when dealing with your ex and try to keep it light when interacting with her. Never bad mouth her in front of your kids (or anybody else for that matter). They'll remember how you treat their mother. You're the father, a man, so stay true to your masculine core. You got this brother. We're all rooting for you!

Usual-Revolution-718 · 2024-08-27T00:26:17+00:00

Don’t beg her. If she cared , she wouldn’t be this disrespectful.

The best revenge is living well, and moving on with your life. Your ex is not your problem, you only care about your children.

She probably only flaunting the other guy to get a rise out you.

The moment you start dating someone who younger, more attractive she will come back running to you.

Work on yourself. Your ex is no longer your problem. I don’t care if gets diagnosed with cancer, you are not there to an emotional tampon or a human wallet. Get full custody

letsbehavingu · 2024-08-26T19:45:26+00:00

Here’s a different take. You’re an animal. Your human skin is thin and you are feeling guttural animal instinct that another male is “taking your family”. In times gone by you might have been cast out, the new male might even kill your kids.

The feelings are real brother, I get it. But don’t forget they exist for reasons that don’t really matter anywhere near as much in this modern life.

I also believe this is why being with people, lifting weights, and sleeping well are all also relevant and opposite with animal emotional payoffs of their own.

Good luck bro, writing this out helps remind me too

Techdude_Advanced · 2024-08-26T19:22:10+00:00

I'm sitting here having pancakes for dinner, gym tomorrow and just smiling while I thought about the Italian dude who after being released from prison and after six weeks with his wife, committed another crime just to get away from her. You either reinvent yourself or allow divorce to destroy you.

Streets of Rage 4 apparently has been out for a while and I just stumbled upon it in the PS5 sub. I guess I missed that because I was going through my divorce then. Should also be in the mail tomorrow, bought it cheap and anniversary edition too. My kids are doing well too. Yay to life.

One4All992 · 2024-08-26T18:22:30+00:00

"It is what it is." Does it suck? Yes. Can you do anything about it? No. Then you have no choice but to accept it for what it is. You don't have to like it, but you have to accept it.

I've only been divorced since April, ex got in a relationship 2 weeks after the ink dried, introduced kids before that, and now he's moving in with her.

It's completely inappropriate, but there is nothing I can do. I just pray every night that my kids are protected and safe. I can only control myself, what I think, and what I do.

lonelySoulThrowAway · 2024-08-26T15:36:59+00:00

Don't use the same tissue paper twice !! - advice works well both inside the restroom and after divorce.

SaltSpecialistSalt · 2024-08-26T15:34:57+00:00

would you be feeling the same if there were 4-5 high value women trying to get into a relationship with you ?

166112 · 2024-08-26T15:19:38+00:00

I have found THE POWER OF NOW by ekhart tolley to be helpful for some of this. However you move forward, know that you have fucking got this, keep showing up for yourself and your boys. Each day that you conquer you are showing them strength.

HereToLook12345 · 2024-08-26T15:01:32+00:00

I know how you feel.

downtempodojo · 2024-08-26T14:14:55+00:00

My situation is different. My ex has given me zero regrets and I am thankful every day we are divorced. I have taken advantage of the situation. If I want to do something I do it. That could be knife making, traveling, or anything else. What have you been wanting to do but did not find the time? How you look at divorce is up to you. You can look at it as a negative or your can look at it as a positive.

You have the opportunity to do a reset on you life. Not everyone has that opportunity. Don't let that opportunity slip away.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-08-26T13:53:53+00:00

Sounds like you are still very much attached to your ex and have held on to a fantasy that she would come back to you.

This hurts for sure, but it is a very important step into finally letting her go completely and moving on.

There will be two other hurdles....her getting remarried, and her having a child with another man. This could be 10 years down the road and it will still be a challenge. It's just part of it as the dumpee.

Do not reach out this is a horrible idea. She has clearly let you go and has moved on completely (she did this before you were divorced). Best thing you can do to break oneitis is to start dating again. You'll soon realize there are plenty of women who are a far better match for you out there.

Fow now sit in the pain, learn from it, heal from it, start your journey to indifference toward her, and then start dating again.

Exactly65536 · 2024-08-26T13:28:24+00:00

The psychological process of separating yourself from your ex starts when you recognize that the divorce has happened and it is final. When you know the marriage is dead, the family is no more.

You have just realized it now.

So now you'll have to go through the process - you know, denial is probably passed, the edited part of you post either describes bargaining, which would be good, but most likely it's begging, which is a form of denial and then anger and bargaining are yet to surface. Then you are looking at despair, and then acceptance.

ShellfishJelloFarts · 2024-08-26T13:15:51+00:00

Hey man I’m sorry. I hope you’re okay

Serious-Buffalo6776 · 2024-08-26T13:04:33+00:00

This is going to sound harsh but I do not intend it to be. It’s the same tough love I give myself :

The problem is that you spent 1-2 years grieving the wrong thing, since you thought reconciliation was an option. Reconciliation was never an option. Things can never go back to the way they were. Really try to imagine that one day comes and she un flips her switch and you get back together - would that REALLY make you happy? It’s likely you can’t reclose Pandora’s Box. The statistics on the matter are not good. You would likely walk on eggshells just waiting for the other shoe to drop again.

Now, that being said, it’s time for you to suffer the unfortunate side effects of not processing your grief correctly. The good news is, your ex moved on, so you can now accept it and move on too.

Good luck, and be strong brother.

Reflog1791 · 2024-08-26T13:04:28+00:00

It’s an exercise in letting go. She is his problem now.

If you find yourself thinking about them, crank out 50 push-ups. May have to work your way up. You have the power to flick away thoughts like a fly on your shoulder.

Let her go and move on.

MsunuKany0k0 · 2024-08-26T12:51:56+00:00

Her actions are telling you what she wants and it doesn’t involve you. Don’t reach out as others have said it’s only going to end badly for you because she clearly has moved on

I had to meet my exs new boyfriend and it was within 4 months of the divorce and it sucked overall. She isn’t the person I married and I have to mourn the end but I know things will get better and you have to act in the same way

Prep to meet this person who will be around g your children so you can look out for them. Good luck and sorry you have to deal with this

HereinPA1 · 2024-08-26T12:40:14+00:00

I too have leaned on this sub for support and I can say it saved my life. It’s an incredible group of people.

However, similar to trying to convince a smoker to stop smoking, ultimately it’s up to them to make the decision for themselves. We have received invaluable advice, guidance and support from people we don’t even know but it’s up to us individually to put all of that into practice.

You still have her on a pedestal like she’s the only woman on this planet that’s worth anything. She’s not. I could wax poetic about how she’s the one that gave up, disrespected you and your family, put no value on you as a husband, but you already know that.

Accept that she is gone and there is no closure. Do not, do not, reach out.

These are just words on a screen from someone you don’t even know, but you know they’re true. You have got to be the one that believes and acts on them. Move on from her, she does not exist as your wife anymore. She is simply someone that you used to know and as I commented last time, who she is with is of no consequence to you. Accept that it’s not you as I’ve accepted it’s not me to my ex.

Sorry you’re going through this but you will be OK.

nothingbutalamp · 2024-08-26T12:39:29+00:00

Unfortunately its inevitable that your ex has a new partner and introductions will happen. One day you'll do the same when\if you're ready. You are a great dad and you're their dad - the partner is nothing more then a friend to them and could be temporary. Stay positive, it's not a slight at you. People move on.

Don't reach out.

Title	Back to square one.
Author	Miserable_Ad_1172
Upvotes	38
Comments	60
Date	August 26, 2024 12:08 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f1mkt9/back_to_square_one/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/back-to-square-one.1528437 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528437

Comments