The friends test.

MidoriEgg · 2024-09-20T04:04:45+00:00

It makes sense in theory, but I have known people who are great friends but pretty terrible romantically.

Like I had one friend who got nervous on first dates and would drink too much and was sick everywhere more than once.

Sillysheila · 2024-09-20T04:22:27+00:00

I disagree

Someone can be a good person and have little to no friends. I try to be good, but I’m just shy, I don’t require a lot of social interaction. I can hole myself in my home or mostly in my home for 2 weeks and be perfectly ok. Some people are just like that. I also had years with no friends when I was younger due to being ostracised.

My best friend is one of the nicest sweetest people I’ve ever known, and I’m one of her only friends. She was bullied by school teachers and became selective mute because of the trauma from the experience.

You could also have issues with looks at the same time as issues with personality or shyness. They are not diametrically opposed. Some people have little to no friends, but are very desirable romantically due to their looks.

Savings-Bee-4993 · 2024-09-20T03:07:48+00:00

Not a bad test. But birds of a feather do flock together, too. Someone may have friends, but they may all be toxic losers — and some toxic losers can be good (initially) at hiding who/what they are. Observation, and asking the right questions, is key.

What people are most likely to run into though is someone with some issues who has friends who also have some issues. Our evolving socio-economic and technological landscape filled with processed foods, social media, perverse incentives, toxic environments, etc. are increasing the rates of sedentary lifestyles, unhealthy eating, sleep, and exercise habits, mental illness, addictions, and loss of meaning and purpose.

There’s no one that’s perfect, but if you can choose to be selective, you should be — for your own sake and others’.

Independent-Mail-227 · 2024-09-20T03:25:03+00:00

If someone has no friends and has trouble dating, the trouble is likely personality based

You understand that a person with good looks will pass this test while a person with bad looks will fail it right? It's the kind of thing you only need to think for 2 seconds to see the problem with this.

Not only this if you don't have a group of friends and struggle with dating it can still be because of uncontrollable factors.

There's also the issues of how the uncontrollable factors you said influence on your capabilities to make and keep friends.

This "test" is a failure in multiples fronts.

rustlerhuskyjeans · 2024-09-20T04:09:45+00:00

This makes sense and I think if you’re having problems with attracting, then having social circles helps. Also, some people with the most awful personalities may have lots of friends, some people are useful to others or have certain empathetic qualities even though they suck as a person. The more key here is having close friendships.

In reality, attractive total loners with shit personalities still get as many dating opportunities as they want. They will eventually find someone who will put up with them or somehow attracted to their behavior. Loners also are desired for their ability to be more available for a relationship, people with dedicated friendships don’t have need for relationships.

ArtifactFan65 · 2024-09-20T06:45:15+00:00

It really depends what you mean by horrid personality. Men can be a wife beater but as long as they are charismatic and charming they will still get laid.

You can even be overtly toxic but the problem is you need to be alpha to pull it off, if you are a constantly negative beta it doesn't work.

IdiAminD · 2024-09-20T04:51:28+00:00

What if someone has no friends and no romantic issues ? I am not keeping long term friendships due to my lack of interest in them, I like discussing things with people, like to do some small talk but otherwise I am rather happy with being alone or with family.

izzzy12k · 2024-09-20T08:34:29+00:00

I would agree, but being a transplant and was married for 20 years here.. I have no real friends outside people I know from work and maybe a few other people I know. But not close friends.

Granted if I go to my hometown, I do have friends there.. but that's 7+ hours away.

I'm a single Dad so going out isn't always an option and when I do.. It's usually with my daughter or both her and my son. (Both are now adults who live with me) I maintain the house with my own income, so having extra money isn't always a thing.

I do sometimes go on dates when I get matches and what not.

But I would definitely fail that friend test, being a transplant.

rubberbandshooter13 · 2024-09-20T13:35:30+00:00

I don't think that it is that simple. It is a different dynamic if you are in a group of people or alone with one. If you don't have many friends who you meet alone from time to time, then maybe it doesn't count that you have many. Also, you.may be a cool guy to hang around for other guys, but for women you are just insuffarable. Say you are someone who makes sexist jokes all the time, you might be popular among your guy friends, but not so much with women.

Aggravating-Part9 · 2024-09-20T17:34:42+00:00

I think a lot of young men were shamed so hard about their sexuality that many men just castrate themselves socially. I know guys who have female friends, get along great with female coworkers, yet can’t seem to make things sexual or romantic with girls.

I wouldn’t call it a personality “flaw” to be sooooo polite and professional you can’t effectively communicate your desire. Especially when the thing you desire is something you were taught never to bring up in polite conversation.

Ultramega39 · 2024-09-20T18:50:12+00:00

I disagree.

I have 2 friends. One I haven't spoken to in a month and the other one I occasionally see at school when he's tabling for his club but I haven't hung out with him in a while. I'm a very introverted and independent person who doesn't like to rely on others. In the past, I've had other friends but those friendships were always one-sided (I was the only person who put in effort to reach out and have meaningful conversations). If someone seems uninterested in being friends with me, I will quickly lose interest in maintaining friendship with them and I try not to become too emotionally invested into people unless I think that genuinely want to become friends. And I also don't ever actively look for friends (or romantic relationships).

I value deep personal connections over having lots of shallow friendships and if someone has a problem with me not having many friends, then screw them.

captaindestucto · 2024-09-20T07:15:35+00:00

Because people don't also judge potential friends according to superficial factors, like looks, status, surface level charm, etc.?

MistyMaisel · 2024-09-20T18:15:56+00:00

Theoretically sound, realistically, birds of a feather. There's a reason unfuckable men tend to hang out wth unfuckable men. And lots of people who are awesome friends are a nightmare to date (trust me, I've dated some of my friends, and it was like night and day. They couldn't handle the promotion.)

AutoModerator · 2024-09-20T02:29:05+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2024-09-20T02:29:05+00:00

Hi OP,

You've chosen to identify your thread as a Debate. As such you are expected to actively engage in your own thread with a mind open to being changed. PPD has guidelines for what that involves.

OPs author must genuinely hold the position and you must be open to having your view challenged.

An unwillingness to debate in good faith may be inferred from one or several of the following:

Ignoring the main point of a comment, especially to point out some minor inconsistency;

Refusing to make concessions that an alternate view has merit;

Focusing only on the weaker arguments;

Only having discussions with users who agree with your position.

Failure to keep to this higher standard (we only apply to Debate OPs) may result in deletion of the whole thread.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-09-20T06:51:05+00:00

You can have a personality that will get you friends but isn't usually as desirable in relationships - for example, a relentless jokester type. People are also generally more comfortable approaching others for friendship than sex or romance.

obviousredflag · 2024-09-20T12:03:54+00:00

If someone has a tight circle of supportive and nontoxic friends and has trouble dating, it is likely due to uncontrollable factors such as looks, money, etc etc

You will not find a looks level or a money level that keeps people single. There is an equally undesirable persone to date for everyone. What keeps people single, other than their personality, is having too high standards for their own desirability level. And that might also just be part of their personality.

But they will reject this notion, of course, because they are convinced that the people they want are on their level and that they deserve people on that level.

To gauge whether someone is on your level is an ability, part of mating intelligence, and that ability is not equally strong expressed in everyone. There are people who are just fucking bad at understanding who can be a partner for them, so they go for who they like, which are impossible matchups.

All of those adaptations can be strong or weak in a person. Someone who is weak in calibrating their mate preference to their own current mate value, can either settle for way less or remain single forever.

<image>

prolixdreams · 2024-09-20T12:26:08+00:00

Generally agree with making early stage judgments about someone based on who they choose to hang around. No one is obviously not ideal - not only is there a possible personality issue as you say but I wouldn’t want to be someone’s ONLY social connection. That’s a recipe for unreasonable expectations. Even just a couple good quality close friends and a handful of hobby acquaintances is cool but someone who’s not close with ANYONE or whose friends are all people I can’t stand probably isn’t a good prospect.

SaBahRub · 2024-09-20T15:33:55+00:00

Theres plenty of men I’m “friends” with that I’d never date. I have higher standards for a partner

serpensmercurialis · 2024-09-21T08:34:11+00:00

Troubles in dating, particularly getting first or second dates, can be the fault of the person or problems out of their control. Someone may have trouble because of their looks or money, while another may have trouble because of their horrid personalities.

Are you putting money in the “problems out of their control” category? Money is the easiest to control out of everything you listed…

EugeneCezanne · 2024-09-22T21:45:29+00:00

This could make sense if at least two conditions are met:

The personality in question is actually as attractive for sex and romance as it is for friendship.
The person in question behaves the same in platonic and romantic situations.

Often, neither of these are true. Alas, some of the smartest, funniest, most interested men I've ever known turn into absolute goobers when a pretty girl gets near.

Solondthewookiee · 2024-09-20T04:55:51+00:00

I've always had a good circle of friends, both when I was struggling with dating and when I was doing well. The problem was always me.

For the vast majority of dudes, looks, money, status, testosterone, etc., is not the problem.

Title	The friends test.
Author	Early-Possibility367
Upvotes	3
Comments	38
Date	September 20, 2024 2:29 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fl1qjy/the_friends_test/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/the-friends-test.1530716 https://theredarchive.com/post/1530716

Comments