Consent Differences & Issues Between Genders

SeveralSadEvenings · 2025-05-09T16:05:55+00:00

Barring the SA when I was 14, I've never been in a situation where I had to say "no" to sex. If I'm in a sexual environment, its because I wanted to be there.

Because of what happened what I was younger, I took great pains to avoid being in secluded situations with men.

My husband has a much more promiscuous past than me, so by sheer statistics he's encountered more situations where he had to firmly verbalize 'NO' to an aggressive woman.

Within our marriage we've never said 'no' to each other, its more like taking a raincheck because of illness, gastro troubles, lack of time, etc.

AngeAware · 2025-05-09T16:40:43+00:00

All of my experiences with consent so far come from kissing only

I've never had a man actually ask me for consent beyond, "Can I kiss you?" which is early on in the relationship.

Yeah my second ex didn't even do that much. He's the one who had me resigned to the fact that kissing wasn't going to be an enjoyable thing for me, instead being something I would tolerate for my partner's sake. I would just think about school or literally anything else when he would kiss me. I imagine that sex would have been more of the same and I am extremely grateful I noped out when he went back on his word and started pushing for that.

My third and current SO was more like what you're describing. He hadn't kissed anyone before so there was that added layer of caution on his part. He helped me discover that I actually enjoy making out very much and initiate a lot when there isn't underlying fear and resentment. Being a bit older and more confident in asserting my boundaries definitely helped too. Now we're at a point where nobody has to ask, it's just kind of a continuous standing offer.

Every_Pirate_7471 · 2025-05-09T16:07:29+00:00

I’ve had to turn women down because it was to soon before, and I’ve said no to people who I’ve done stuff before in the past. From my experience the former went worse than the latter.

millenium-pigeon · 2025-05-09T16:52:40+00:00

Yea I have said no to women. They were extremely bummed out to put it… gently. And I have also sucked it up and did the thing because I didn’t want a repeat of that.

As for flirting and consent.

I’ll say it’s extremely nerve wracking because I was raised with a lot of sexual shame and messaging about what it means to be a gentleman.

To my surprise the things I always considered ungentlemanly really seem to be necessary to communicate your desire.

TheAvocadoSlayer · 2025-05-09T19:45:54+00:00

My husband has made it very clear that he does not want to have sex with me unless I’m going to be 100% into it. He does not want to have sex with someone who is going to be unenthusiastic about it. It’s a turn off for him. So when I don’t want sex, I say no, instead of just dealing with it.

_weedkiller_ · 2025-05-09T21:19:37+00:00

When I was married I had a lot of sex I didn’t want to have. The majority of it actually. I did it as a preventative measure. I said a no’s too, but it is often easier to go along with it than to face the repercussions.

I have never lived with a woman, but if I’m meeting up with someone I’m seeing I will usually tell them in advance if sex isn’t on the cards that day. That kind of avoids the situation. I have only ever had women ask explicitly for consent and they all have, every time. Similarly I will ask multiple times.

RayAP19 · 2025-05-09T15:41:13+00:00

For the men here, have you ever said no to a woman that made a move on you, whether you barely knew her or even if she's your wife? And why?

I've said no to three different women just because I didn't feel like doing it (I can get moody). None of them handled it well.

One continued to try to touch me after I had clearly said no and I had to kick her out of my apartment.

One freaked out and had a full-blown meltdown.

One tried to guilt-trip me into consenting.

ta06012022 · 2025-05-09T16:51:58+00:00

For the men here, have you ever said no to a woman that made a move on you, whether you barely knew her or even if she's your wife? And why?

I've said no to a number of women who made moves on me, but those were women I wasn't interested in. I don't think I've ever said no to woman who I wanted to sleep with. The only exception is when I've had a girlfriend, then I'm saying no regardless of whether I want to sleep with the other woman.

I've never had a man actually ask me for consent beyond, "Can I kiss you?" which is early on in the relationship. In my experience more sexual activity is carried on by physical escalation by a man unless I protest.

I agree that verbal consent isn't the norm, but it hasn't typically been physical escalation by me that drove it either. It's typically been more like mutual escalation. One person escalates, the other person responds by escalating further, and it goes back and forth until we're having sex.

In some cases there's sort of verbal consent I guess. Like I've had cases where things have been escalating and the woman says something like "put on a condom". It's not explicit consent, but it's implied that she wants me to put the condom to use after putting it on.

Available-Level-6280 · 2025-05-09T22:34:55+00:00

I had a real pushy guy who kind of saw my no's as an invitation or excuse to try to break down my boundaries and pressure me into saying yes. I read an article on psychology today afterward about how the type of men who sexually harrass you, the psychology behind why they do that, is to establish dominance over you. The mindset and whole goal of the person is one of trying to dominate the other person. It was eerie reading those words. Thank God I don't have to deal with this individual anymore. I haven't dealt with or seen him since this happened, maybe a year and a half ago. That was the only time I was harrassed or have had that kind of negative experience regarding consent between genders.

EdIt: I think it's important to surround yourself with people around you who get it. Who truly get where you're coming from. Someone who understands nuance, social cues, and who understands sexual consent. That there are shades of gray in life. Being on the same page with someone else is wonderful because you feel you can actually get somewhere with this person and that they appreciate and genuinely relate to you and appreciate your point of view. I think I'd stay away from people who can't handle disagreement or that people have different views on things. They might feel entitled to steamroll you or use the power differences between you to their advantage but to your detriment. I think those who'd take advantage of a weaker person, or someone in a vulnerable state, you cannot trust these kind of slimey people

kongeriket · 2025-05-10T02:21:22+00:00

have you ever said no to a woman that made a move on you, whether you barely knew her or even if she's your wife? And why?

Yes. To my wife exactly two times in 17 years. Both for medical reasons.

Prior to that, I did say no a looot of times and I don't remember all instances (very promiscuous past). But primarily for these reasons:

medical (again)
didn't like her
she wasn't clean (not in a metaphorical sense, but quite literally - as in "let's hit the shower first" - one was quite upset about this, oh welp)
wary of her (one specific example - I knew her ex and he'd left her because she kept on poking holes in condoms)
didn't want to deal with her community (Penticostals early 2000s were weird AF)

Some of the things from my past mess me up in the head because for some of us sexual fantasies include a serious lack of consent but in the fantasies nothing is done that you don't actually want a man to do.

Lemme add some nuance from experience. *checks flair*

My missus was a virgin when we got together while I was casually heading towards a triple digit body count which included several old(er) women who taught me a lot about sex and to whom I'll be eternally grateful for helping me become a better lover and ultimately a better husband.

Put simply, she didn't know what she wanted. She trusted me completely. I'll never forget the huge sigh of relief when I told her my body count. I thought she was asking for medical reasons (STDs were high in 2008-09) but she was in fact asking hoping the response would be high because she was coming from a small town with zero experience.

Long story short: Of course we had to experiment and train (good sex is trained, very much literally) but during experimentation it necessarily involved trying out things that she couldn't possibly know whether she wanted them or not. And, of course, most things went well, but some didn't. Heck, in the process I found out as well some things about myself too.

Did we try her fantasies too? Of course. And we tried mine too (within limits). After several years (and especially after the birth of our first son), she wouldn't recognize herself from prior to meeting me.

The problem is that the conversation about this is either haram outright, toxic or unilateral (i.e. everything is "assault" - heaven forbid some magic and spontaneity is allowed to exist). In public, what I wrote above is either "sin" or "problematic/abuse". In reality... we just met each other at a very profound level, which, while not a smooth process, it absolutely is a fun process (even failed attempts generated running jokes and lots of laughter).

But that's hard to explain in a fundamentally sex negative and, more recently, anti-fun environment.

millenium-pigeon · 2025-05-09T17:27:33+00:00

[permanently deleted]

WoodsRLovely · 2025-05-09T15:59:44+00:00

I understand where you're coming from all too well. I've got a really complicated history with consent. Some men are really good at turning you on when you really don't want to do it for a number of reasons. Normally I don't want to be asked for consent. I want for it to flow. I don't want to feel like the aggressor. But when men know you are a feminine woman they get sexually charged up easily and can go too overboard with it.

Dapper-Suggestion462 · 2025-05-09T16:39:47+00:00

It is very tricky sometimes

It takes lot of trust and compatibility, i am okay with the dry spell if i dont find the compatibility

ChadChasingBReturns · 2025-05-09T17:18:52+00:00

I say no. I’ve never had an issue setting my boundaries and sticking to them.

ASnowfallOfCherry · 2025-05-09T17:53:07+00:00

First, if you want to get into power exchange play, you have very explicit discussion ahead of time. I’ve done BDSM in dungeons. It is spelled out explicitly, the consent and yes the safe word. Any expert level sex requires consent. Even now, married 18 years, we’ll still communicate before hand if not express consent.

Second, for more typical stuff. Like kiss to progression, it’s been more like you describe. A more nonverbal question. A hand slipped down the under the waist band, unbutton the first button of the jeans. And everyone stops if someone steps away.

That said, more verbal and more communication is better.

Edited to add. I’ve said no to my husband. It’s rare. He’s said no to me. I can think of ONE time where he didnt immediately drop it after my “not feeling it.” Thats in 18 years of marriage. But he wasn’t an asshole about it and since I was just tired, I went along.

Desperate_Coat_5244 · 2025-05-09T18:09:46+00:00

Obviously everyone says no when they aren’t feeling it at the moment. I’ve said no more often than yes to women approaching me and usually in a way that won’t hurt their egos. I like the attention and their confidence, even if I wouldn’t be attracted to them so best to make them feel good for trying.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-05-09T18:10:51+00:00

I have had sex when I didn’t really want to, but I’m never shy about telling anyone what I want, when, and when I don’t like something

Kapoue · 2025-05-10T22:08:39+00:00

I've said no to my long-term girlfriend a lot of time. I may be have a headache, I'm too drunk, I masturbated 15 minutes ago, went to the gym and am exhausted, etc. Happens all the time. She has a big libido so sometimes she's horny and I'm not.

I don't remember turning down (first-time)sex when I was in person (though once I wished I had). I've turned down booty calls of lovers because I didn't feel like having sex that night.

I've had consent no consent sex before (the thing you talk about in your last paragraph) where I was the Dom. I really liked it and my partners too. We talked about boundaries beforehand and had safe words. That type of sex and fantasy can go really well but it requires communication. Please stay safe while exploring this kink 🤗

oppositegeneva · 2025-05-09T16:03:46+00:00

I never say no to my husband but I would if I was in some sort of extreme pain or stomach sick but both those instances are rare and he just doesn’t ask if that’s apparent.

Even if I’m not really in the mood I won’t say no.

I have said no to many other men who have came on to me when I was younger and single. Simply because I have never had interest in engaging in casual sex.

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PrizeOdd109 · 2025-05-09T16:05:09+00:00

Once I had an argument with my girlfriend (which was started by her) after a few days she tried to touch me down there (which was our sign for oral sex) and I said to her big, VERY BIG "NO". So yes males say no too. We(me and girlfriend) had signs for consent of different bedrooms activities

darthsyn · 2025-05-09T16:36:25+00:00

Women dont need consent. The chances of sexual assault allegations against a woman are very unlikely to fo go anywhere. We dont have a "believe men" clause in society where women will be guilty until proven innocent.

leosandlattes · 2025-05-09T15:41:52+00:00

I don't actually "believe" in saying no to sex (with my boyfriend) barring sickness or pain or I literally am too tired to keep myself awake. My philosophy is that if my man wants sex, he should seduce me into having sex with him and I will be open to said seduction. He doesn't ask for consent in the moment, which I would probably find really unsexy. If we want to try something new in the bedroom it's usually brought up playfully in some prior conversation.

Now my bf has said no to me, but it's because I was coming onto him in the middle of him working or gaming with friends or he just got done with a run and wants to shower up, etc. Lol.

With strangers who have invited me over after a night out or something, I'll say no. But that's much easier to say no because we're not in the moment of being alone.

alwaysright0 · 2025-05-09T15:37:17+00:00

Ive always said no when I meant no.

AnxiousPeggingSlut · 2025-05-09T15:44:16+00:00

Of course I have said no.

I pride myself on maintaining enough distance to keep the pain of inevitably being left away

Title	Consent Differences & Issues Between Genders
Author	RareBasis9710
Upvotes	4
Comments	60
Date	May 9, 2025 12:57 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1kihuc9/consent_differences_issues_between_genders/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/consent-differences-issues-between-genders.1551893 https://theredarchive.com/post/1551893

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