Married 10 years. We had 1 kid together. And I raised her kid from previous relationship, met her at age 2 and she’s now 13.

We were a really sweet family. We loved intensely. Intensely !! We fought, we had ups and downs, battles of wills, battles on who gets final say on decisions etc. maybe a little more than other couples. And there some fights and threats of divorce all along the way. But there was never a doubt in my mind that I was loved. And there was never a doubt in my mind that I loved her. I really felt connected. And I found her to be exquisite in every way.

Along the way we discovered hotwifing. It turned me on and I encouraged it for about 3 years. She’d fuck other guys or suck their dicks and then come home with video footage or pictures for me to watch and then we’d fuck and have reclamation sex. I know this is not for everybody and it’s very weird but I loved it.

She got sober about two years ago and almost immediately the hotwife thing stopped. It was disappointing but I sucked it up and lived a normal marriage. Our sexual frequency never stopped. Averaged out to about 2 to 3 times a week, less in the last year though like 1 or 2 a month. For some reason we stopped going on dates and doing husband wife shit. We just focused on kids work and a whole bunch of debt.

About 4 months ago she asked me to leave the house and go work on myself because she thought I was having emotional dysregulation problems. I got sober also, I was like eight months in when she asked me to leave. Crazy. I know now she was exaggerating. Because I improved my emotional regulated a lot over the years, therapy, cognitive work etc. so the plan was get the fuck out work on yourself and let’s see each other and see what happens.

I went along with the program, we went on dates, we went to church every weekend, I was invited over to the house for dinner a few times, but I just could not help myself. We would always get into a bickering argument and it got nasty. Not every moment but when a discussion came up about something that concerned me that’s when it would pop off. Without getting into the specifics, there were certain things that were done in the house a certain way and when I left for my separation she changed all those things ignoring my concerns. That plus coming from a place of hurt, caused us to have like 10 arguments during the separation period that were ugly.

It’s just gotten worse and worse the breakdown of the communication is unbelievable I can’t even control it. I will say a prayer and meditate before I come to the house but it doesn’t help we always get there. In the beginning of the separation we tried counseling but the lady sucked she was like 28 with no gravitas. We canceled her and we never tried again. It’s been 3 1/2 months of separation and now we’re moving to divorce. I just don’t think we tried hard enough.

Here’s what I need from you guys. I’m sitting here ruminating about this and thinking it’s just a perfect storm of mistakes and it’s one big mistake and it’s not supposed to happen and we are throwing our life together down the toilet. Even though I know there have been times where I found her to be the most annoying person on the planet and couldn’t stand her. Those of you who felt an incredible connection to your wife like she was the only one you wanted, how did you get through it? At some later date did you say to yourself, “wow I can’t believe I felt that way -my life is so much better without her!’ I want to know. Is this just delusion? Are these my Neural pathways trying desperately to retain the same structure and not create new ones?

Here’s an added bonus for you. I won’t tell you how I found out, but this weekend while the kids will be away and I don’t live there anymore, she’s gonna have one of the guys over that she used to fuck when we hotwifed.

And she’s going to fuck his brains out in my marital bed all weekend long.

Tell me what I need to do remind me!! Remind me that the person who I was in love with is from another time in space and that I need to get my balls together!!

Also she was feeling pretty puffy about the divorce but she saw an attorney yesterday and the first thing she said after the meeting when she called me was oh we should just handle this ourselves or get a mediator! Because she’s not in an advantageous position, I’m in a position to take alimony and child support from her with the 50/50 custody. I’ve already told her I don’t want anything from her we just split everything and go our separate ways. But the more I think about all of this the more I believe I’m actually entitled. I worked from home and helped raise her daughter and watched both kids while she went to work on the choo-choo train into the city, worked her ass off and built up her career. She didn’t have to be here minding the kids because I was here. Several years in a row of that, with her occasionally stopping at the bar to suck some guy off that she would meet.

1) remind me that this is fucking over and just stop being a pussy and stop being nostalgic

2) should I retain an attorney and go for the support or should I just go to divorce.com and do the paperwork and give her sweetheart deal because I’m old school?

Also I expect there’s gonna be two years or so of fucking healing so I can work on myself improvement, how do I deal with the coparenting and the communication? Do I do text only? Do I pick up the phone and just talk to her and try my best to be indifferent at all times?

Talk to me gentlemen I hope you enjoyed my writing