Someone tell me what to do

db1342 · 2026-02-28T05:48:02+00:00

You talk a lot about not having free time due to kids... do you have sole custody, is that it? My nights away from my kids, while sad, were when I did and still do my rebuilding. If I hadn't had them I would have struggled much harder. If you have sole custody, does that still need to be the case?

Alex_at_60 · 2026-02-20T17:14:16+00:00

Stop chasing women. Start chasing peace. At 60, I realized: if you are chaotic, you attract chaos. If you are calm, you attract quality. Fix your sleep, hit the gym, and focus on your kids.

More thoughts on this on my Twitter @Alex_at_60

Candidate_Worldly · 2026-02-17T15:41:58+00:00

I see your comments. You have got to push through and try. You have no choice.

I lost everything too: Wife, half my time with my daughter, house, hobbies were restoring old cars and dirt bikes - workshop gone with the house. Nearly half my income goes to rent to stay close to my kid. My life is shit, my heart is broken and I'm lonely as hell.

But you have to try man. I make a point of going out with friends to the pub every other weekend. I've spoken to a few women, Put yourself out there. Stop sitting alone ruminating. You have to have faith things will get better. You owe it your child. And yourself.

No one that hasn't gone through this has any idea how hard this is. But man up and fight it. When you're going through hell - keep going.

savedavenger · 2026-02-17T04:04:19+00:00

Go to therapy or counseling. This ain’t normal

whistful1 · 2026-02-17T02:22:22+00:00

Gym. Read: philosophy, psychology, sociology to learn about yourself. Therapy. Journal. Repeat.

dpatron · 2026-02-16T19:35:32+00:00

Go to a strip club buddy. if you're gonna be miserable do it with some double ds in your face!

a_day_at_a_timee · 2026-02-16T19:06:30+00:00

This worked for me: quit drinking/smoking, fix your diet (no processed foods, no sugar, lots of organic vegetables), go outside and get some exercise.

It took about 6 months before my mind was right again. Seven years later and I’m living my best life.

_player_0 · 2026-02-16T17:42:18+00:00

Pray. Jesus will help you.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-16T16:00:23+00:00

I donʼt know what to tell you because your beliefs are irrational. You need to dispute your beliefs, because they are not correct and itʼs causing you a lot of frustration and discomfort. Your problem solving organ, your brain, is working overtime telling you that life is awful. But your brain is not you, itʼs another one of your organs like your heart and lungs, itʼs job is problem solving. Connecting with that voice that is gloom and doom is what therapy is about - and getting a rational view of your situation.

What hobbies do you have? The reason I ask is because you need to stop those thoughts and the trick to do so is divert your own mind. This is an immediate action you can take to reduce the issue today.

When you start to ruminate over how life sucks, you should actually say "STOP" out loud and recognize that voice in your head going over and over this thought. At this point you should then refocus your mind on your hobby for a moment.

Initially, you might want to put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it every time you start to go back to that voice. Force yourself to think about your creative interest, something you enjoy. By way of example, I have a boat. When that voice in my head starts to discuss my ex, I think about my on-going projects on my boat. If the voice persists, I go on Craigslist and search for an item for my boat.

In your case, I suggest you try exploring counseling with an emphasis on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I recommend you watch the YouTube video by Dr. Steven Hayes - This is what I think therapy should be: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GnSHpBRLJrQ

And the numbers are 1, 2, 3. I still remember.

I'll finish my lesson real quick and let you go.

A - Activating Event - mother didn't invite you to parties.

B - Belief - that you should be invited to the parties.

C - Consequence - anger and hurt feelings, cycle of depression.

D - Dispute Belief - after divorce, its normal to not be invited to parties.

E - (new) Effective Belief - have a ritual with the child to replace parties.

djaanmieesl · 2026-02-16T14:18:50+00:00

I’ve seen your posts come up every few weeks and it’s always the same: you’ve tried every single thing that hundreds of people have recommended in 10 different ways already, and somehow nothing works for you.

You have endless excuses or reasons why something won’t work.

Support groups: “I have looked there aren't any around me that are suitable.”
Therapy: “I’ve been in therapy for years. None of it helps.”
Different therapists: “I’ve changed therapists a number of times. It doesn’t help.”
Medication: “I’ve tried various meds, nothing helps.”
Social activities: “I don’t really have free nights due to the kids. I do play a sport one night a week if I can get a babysitter.”
Level up at work: “There’s not really a way for me to make more money.”
Work out more: “I workout every chance I get. It doesn’t help.”
Read self help books: “I’ve consumed every book and podcast that people recommend. They don’t help.”
Find God or organized religion: “Religion is not an option for me.”
Change your mindset and outlook: “My mindset doesn’t change reality.”
Travel: “I have traveled the world. I’ve traveled post divorce. I’ve tried other things. There’s nothing I enjoy.”
Try new things: “I’ve done stuff. I force myself, but i hate it all.”

You are somehow so unique that what has worked for every other man here in your situation doesn’t work for you.

Whenever you get asked for specifics though you’re nowhere to be found. What specific tools did your therapist provide you? Why can’t you get a babysitter? What do you bench press? Why is religion not an option? How overweight are you? Crickets.

You need to stop lying to yourself—you’re not here to change anything or take action, you’re here to convince yourself that your debilitating depression and self hatred are not your fault. “You’ve tried everything and nothing works.” No, you haven’t. At best you’ve put middling effort into a few things to check a few boxes. I have full confidence that you haven’t done any of these things seriously.

If you want to come here every 3 weeks and spill the same loser garbage, you’ll get exactly what you’re looking for. If you actually want to move on from these feelings and start living your life again, you need to do the hard thing and be honest with yourself. The path out of this has been laid in front of you so many times, stop making excuses.

I’m happy to talk more or DM if you care, though I don’t think you do.

Fearless-Bird9701 · 2026-02-16T14:07:23+00:00

All I can give is love and support.

Though I’m in a new marriage and all. There’s confirmations, all the time, “the one” is gone. I thought replacing a relationship would slowly wash away the pain, regret, the best friend feel.

12 years and I still think about her…daily.

noideawhatimdoing75 · 2026-02-16T12:43:08+00:00

If you haven't gone to therapy, please go. It is probably the most important thing that I did to help myself and ultimately my kids. There is no same in it, and can really help if you go in with an open mind.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-02-16T11:16:25+00:00

I feel your pain. I miss my kids, I miss my previous life. It’s not easy. I’m trying to shake things up, new job after 20 years in my current career, vacation with just my kids for this week. I think about selling my house for a change and moving within the same school district. Having a pet can go a long way. I’m trying a new therapy, EMDR. I’m going talk to my doctor about anxiety medication. I wish you the best of luck

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-16T10:54:01+00:00

The greatest revelation of my life is the day I realized no one is coming to save me.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-02-16T05:36:02+00:00

Don't know if this will change anything for you Ok_Builder but have you heard of the Dartmouth Scar Experiment?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-school-walls/202410/invisible-scars

It sounds to me like self limiting mentality and you should try to focus on your internal locus of control, but what do I know.
Stoicism might also help. These are just suggestions. I don't know how to solve your depression sorry.

Gattsama · 2026-02-16T05:17:29+00:00

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's because you lack a mission. You wake up each day not because you have a driven goal that is fulfilling, but because you have responsibilities, other people to take care of, and as you said just killing time until death.

A mission doesn't mean going to work, doing the laundry, or even necessarily taking care of yourself and your kids. The missions the driving thing in your life, which provides you with: satisfaction, fulfillment, contentment, duty.

For a lot of guys they found that in their family. And when their family was removed from them they felt like everything in their life that made sense, everything in their life that had meeting, everything. Their life that was worth living for was taken from them.

What actually happened was they lost their mission. And now they don't know how to recreate a new one.

Part of this is because they never actually created a mission in the first place when they got married. The marriage and family simply defaulted into the mission. And quite frankly, as long as we remained married this sort of works for a lot of men. Sometimes it can be dysfunctional, it might even be against their own self-best interest, but it is something that at least we can be fulfilled, focused, and content in.

What you need to do is step way back and think about what your perfect life looks like. You need to think about the things that you might find that would make you feel content and satisfied. Things that make you feel fulfilled and that each day you actually want to get out of bed and attack it.

Society is set up to program us into believe that the thing that we need most is materialism, money, job, title, fame, etc. However, these things rarely work as the mission for most guys.

For example, I'm a physician. I fell way off track after the divorce. But I'm slowly starting to migrate to doing more relief medicine and underserved areas. It doesn't pay anything, but is exponentially more rewarding.

At some point you simply have to say to hell with what anybody else expects of you or wants of you. And ask what do want and demand of yourself.

It's going to take time to change your software. I suspect your brain is still stuck in husband mode. If your brain is in husband mode and you're no longer a husband, your life is going to be miserable. You need to ultimately delete that programming, and then create a new one for yourself. That's functional in your new reality.

None of us can tell you what that will be or what path you need to be on to get there. But we can tell you that while you're figuring out, the focus should be on being fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. If you keep working on being fit, things will solely start to unfold and things will happen to allow you to be more successful and to figure out what your next mission is .

Understand your next mission is unlikely to simply present itself randomly in life. You're going to need to sit down and really do some planning and work about what it should be.

I encourage people to make a list of 25 lifetime goals. I mean real goals that are fulfilling and difficult. After you have the list of say 25 or so rank them in order from number one through number 25.

Numbers 1 through 5 were your dreams. Number 6 through 25 are your dream killers. That might sound counterproductive, but with 6-25 are are legitimate goals that will distract you from accomplishing your main dreams, they will distract you from accomplishing your goals because they are real legitimate things to devote your time into instead .

People often end up reordering the list because number six might be taking care of their kids or financial success. At the end of the day. Though you make this list of five things. Then you think about what you need to do to achieve them. Then you aggressively pursue them with everything that you have. One of the reasons to be fit is to train yourself to be disciplined. Once you have discipline, everything else in life becomes exponentially easier. You use that discipline that you developed to attack your five dreams. That. And your dreams will change along the way, but as you take each of these steps, you move closer to being in a more fulfilling, more rewarding, more satisfying, and most importantly most content lifestyle.

Sorry for any typos brother. Stay strong, stay focused, you got this. Literally millions have come before you and we're here to tell you that you will make it to the other side. And after you go through all the darkness there's a lot of light out there.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2026-02-16T05:05:39+00:00

Join some beer leagues a couple nights a week to get around people. That worked for me until I got back on a good footing. Also you can’t have a good post divorce life without first imagining what it’ll look like.

Toni_Jabroni77 · 2026-02-16T04:12:32+00:00

I’m around 4-5yrs post divorce. I struggle with the same feelings. I feel like I’m just passing time until I die. I don’t enjoy work or time off, the only thing I like is sleep. I feel like that a good percentage of the time and then other times it lets up a little. Hitting the gym 6-7days a week seems to help a bit. Finding friends, or reconnecting with old friends, making a plan to meet up, it really helps. Try building your own things to look forward to, find the rhythm of trips or hangs with friends that works for you. I hope you and I can both find increasing relief from this feeling.

Great_Breakfast9400 · 2026-02-16T04:10:54+00:00

35(m) I am a year out of my divorce. I do not have kids. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. Part of me is glad I didn’t have them with my ex wife. Part of me wishes I did because they could be the focus of my life and I’d love being a dad. I busted my ass my entire career to provide for a family I do not have now.

What hits me about your post is your happiness sounds dependent on another person, and it sounds a lot like my ex wife. Your happiness will always come from you. It was never dependent on another person. If they aren’t a good partner they can take away from your happiness, but they can’t make it for you.

You need to define what makes you happy, and that definition shouldn’t rely on another person. You do you. If you do you with no fear, whatever that is, eventually the people that help cultivate that happiness will be in your life.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-02-16T03:46:26+00:00

What is it about not being with your ex wife that makes you hate every minute of your life?
I mean even when you were married, you weren't with your ex every minute of every day.
Think about it, you were at work most of the time and only saw her in the evenings and weekends.
Did you also hate every minute of every day when you were not with her while you were married?

Olderbutnotdead619 · 2026-02-16T03:15:05+00:00

Find your joy again. Maybe a good therapist too. My therapist asked me what was my joy besides my kids. It took me 6 months to figure it out. Now I work towards that goal

TheConjugalVisit · 2026-02-16T02:52:04+00:00

You gotta work on yourself and get some confidence brother.

Get a warrior and winner mindset, tell yourself life may suck but I've got this!

Practice gratitude.

Seems like you have a computer and internet? Start there and then look in your fridge. Food? Blessed!

thedubbledee · 2026-02-16T02:50:26+00:00

You wrote a comment on another post saying "I would date any woman that gave me the time of day."

My man, you need to learn to love yourself. You shouldn't want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship or because you feel alone. You should only be in a relationship because you want to be with a specific woman for her qualities.

So many of your comments are about desperately wanting to be with someone. There is so much more to life than being in a relationship with someone. Please go out and experience our world. If you can travel, do it. If you can't, just enjoy life at your local area. It's really important for you to find things that you enjoy.

Personally, riding my motorcycle really helps with my mental health. It gets my mind out of the gutter.

Borntadoodishes · 2026-02-16T02:46:40+00:00

I was there. Imo divorce can lock us into our trauma. The way I have started to turn the corner is to take time at night visualizing who I want to be and also what I want to do in my life. Doesn't matter if its unattainable. It just gives me time to dream about ME and not focus on HER or our shitty culture like divorce law, gender wars, etc etc.

That literally took me away from the negative spiral and focusing on my present and future.

I started doing little things like going out to a movie, reading some comic books like I haven't done in years, watching every Bears game this season, etc. Sounds small but after years of being a dedicated husband and Dad it was huge to me and it helped me feel joy again.

It lifted my depression because I went from doing these small things to bigger things like exercise, eating whole foods, learning a new instrument, reading books again and so on.

AdditionalArt8638 · 2026-02-16T02:37:42+00:00

Have you sought professional help via a therapist or a psychologist? You may really benefit from talk-therapy and some antidepressants.

There's nothing wrong with needing new tools to deal with new-or even 4 year old-problems.

DuvalKing35 · 2026-02-16T02:36:47+00:00

Do something for you. Start small like a walk art class . Something

Title	Someone tell me what to do
Author	Ok_Builder_3285
Upvotes	32
Comments	87
Date	February 16, 2026 2:33 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1r5xjh6/someone_tell_me_what_to_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/someone-tell-me-what-to-do.1573579 https://theredarchive.com/post/1573579

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