Wife wants 4K a month. Half 401k and pension. I make 200k how fucked am I?

Kind-Number-419 · 2026-06-16T20:42:51+00:00

Who files? Good thing you didn't get to 10 years which would earn you lifetime alimony in CA

ChelseaMan31 · 2026-06-16T16:54:04+00:00

Time to lawyer up Big Time. CA is notoriously friendly to trailing spouses in a divorce. Are we correct to assume that wife is the one seeking the divorce? And after 9 years, she is bound to get 50% of the pension and 401k if they were established during the marriage; if the pre-existed the marriage, probably not the full 50%.

But you need to get into bunker mode now and lawyer up. At the very least, stop all voluntary contributions to the 401k right now and open a new solo bank account to begin stockpiling cash.

Warm-Management-7323 · 2026-06-16T15:45:17+00:00

Lawyer NOW

My ex-wife tried to fleece me. My lawyer put a stop to it get a lawyer bud.

funnyman6979 · 2026-06-16T15:09:35+00:00

Move into war mode now, not later and yes the time loss with children sucks. However, change is hard but you will make memories out of the time. You can’t see it now that’s natural but you will adjust not that this is easy.

Great advice here, now get moving legally and I get the 401K frustration I am sitting here at 57 (divorced 1998) way behind the retirement position I need to be working to 70.

Your next, move is one you don’t see be smart finding someone is not priority work on parenting through this and yourself. I get it, little girls are tough had to drive away when mine was 7. Good luck

SeaweedWeird7705 · 2026-06-16T14:24:30+00:00

You’re lucky that you’ve only been married 9 years. In California, if you are married 10 years or more, there is a possibility of lifetime alimony. Make sure you move out or she moves out before the 10 year mark.

California is a community property state. All assets accrued during the marriage are split 50-50 (except inheritance and gifts). That means that the house, cars, bank accounts, retirement, etc. will be split. Anything that you or she had prior to the marriage remains separate.

Child custody is usually 50-50, unless there are issues of abuse or addiction. California has a child support calculator. You can Google it.

As far as alimony, you can try to get an idea, based on an online calculator for your County. A typical formula is about 40% in the differences of income for half the length of the marriage. If you’ve been married 9 years, you might have to pay alimony for 4 1/2 years. Calculate the difference between your income and her income and multiply that by 40%. That should give you a rough idea of alimony.

Make an appointment with a family law attorney right away. The attorney can give you more accurate numbers and you can develop a plan of action. Don’t delay seeing the attorney.

skotman01 · 2026-06-16T14:01:53+00:00

Re the 401k, write the date down you got served, notified etc, use that as the date for splitting the 401k, this way she doesn't get any future earnings. My ex thought she was getting 100k from my 401k, she ended up with just under 30k because she dragged the process on while I started socking away retirement for myself.

The 4k/month, it's doable but probably not in your HCOL area. I pay the mortgage, child support and a small amount for bills and it comes to just under 4k a month. My salary is in the 170k range.

In my situation I wanted the kids to not have to process the divorce and moving, so I insisted on paying the mortgage, but retain 60% of ownership in the house. It's not a great deal for me, but it means my kids get stability.

Don't look at as 4k to her on top of everything else, thats insane.

Wis84682 · 2026-06-16T14:00:45+00:00

Hire a good lawyer. Fight everything. 50/50 does not equal Child Support

ShaunyP_OKC · 2026-06-16T13:35:58+00:00

You're only fucked if you bend over and invite her to fuck you. Until then it's only a theory. Remember that

Hold_The_Line_2026 · 2026-06-16T13:29:31+00:00

She's entitled to half of 401k you earned SINCE you got married. Not the total amount.

Men are in LOVE... Women are in BUSINESS!

EmbarrassedAge7612 · 2026-06-16T13:19:51+00:00

You’re only as screwed as you allow yourself to be. She is now the enemy and will do anything to get what she feels she deserves. Get a good lawyer and fight back.

Cool_Marionberry7132 · 2026-06-16T13:03:42+00:00

Usually with the initial petition they ask for the moon, just trying to get the most possible/ leverage. Don’t be offended. One lawyer told me to not even look at the initial petition ‘ you will just get pissed off’

throwaway_coy4wttf79 · 2026-06-16T12:15:34+00:00

Similar situation. 200k vs 60k. She was never a SAHM and we neutered my career during the marriage to support hers.

She gets $3k/mo for 16 years then $2k/mo forever. Her home will be paid off when she's my age (45), my home will be paid off when I'm 72.(And in the meantime I'll pay her enough to buy a second home.) We spent $200k of my savings on lawyers.

The system will a absolutely destroy you financially.

Edit: Missouri

PresentShine8249 · 2026-06-16T12:14:13+00:00

Reminds me of Allan from 2 and a half men

notconvinced780 · 2026-06-16T12:09:21+00:00

How much of the 401K and Pension was earned prior to marriage VS. while married? She is only entitled to half of the present value of the portion earned during the marriage. She is also entitled to 50% of marital assets acquired during the marriage. The child support for a 50% custodial parent is a non-negotiable statutory formula (you can find online for your state). Alimony IS negotiable, but should be more than the guideline indicated on your states online calculator. I’m in Illinois which I think is similar to CA, and here it is 1/3 of the difference between your income and hers, and if she isn’t working, hers will be imputed based on what she ought to be able to earn. The duration of the alimony should not exceed half the length of the marriage. (It may be less in your state.) After doing the evaluation, you may find that 4K/mo is reasonable.

Prestigious_Piano247 · 2026-06-16T11:37:28+00:00

my ex took my share of the joint house, had primary custody and also had to pay some cash. I did not earn even 100K. This was 10 years ago and as of one I have one more year in CS and I am good. God has been kind to me in the last 10 years. Yea time with kids sucks but now they have grown up and I have gotten old. I used to fight for my time with them when they were young but not anymore. Good luck. F*** any spouse who does not agree to joint custody and no child support and not ready to share the expenses equally.

slung_accusations · 2026-06-16T09:37:18+00:00

This is basically my situation. A little less time. But im kicking the can on this because I dont want to lose the kids. We live in my family home and its not in my name so she cant have that. But losing the kids even 50/50 would suck. I make abt 200 a yr. She makes nothing. We literally bought her a small business and it didnt work out. Won't get a part time. Won't contribute financially. The idea of paying her 5k a month for 5 years is bankrupt worthy as far as im concerned. Its a shitty choice. Lose time with your kids and most your money. Or be happy.

_cokedup · 2026-06-16T07:25:42+00:00

Hope that was some good pussy.

PghSubie · 2026-06-16T07:06:28+00:00

You're netting $12k per month and your wife wants 1/3 of that. Plus she wants 1/2 of the retirement funds. That does not sound obscene. You did not mention her income nor retirement situation

eldenchain · 2026-06-16T06:24:40+00:00

Lawyer up. Lawyer up. Don't ask reddit, lawyer up!

TheAwkwardPigeon · 2026-06-16T05:30:35+00:00

Man I’m so sorry… she sounds a lot like my ex. Actually your story in general is a lot like mine. My little girl is also 2.5 and I was married 9 years. Look on the bright side, alimony can only be paid for half the marriage if under 10 years in California. So be grateful you didn’t stay married to this monster for another year.

Also I’m also in the Bay Area. DM me if you need to vent.

Eric_C_Productions · 2026-06-16T05:26:04+00:00

She can ask for the world but it is up to your lawyer and her lawyer to reach a compromise. Sounds to me like it is going to be a knock out drag out fight. Be prepared to pay. My ex wife dragged it out for two years. She fought me on everything. She never responded to our requests. She went through three different lawyers. I ended up paying about $25K in lawyer fees after it was all said and done. (She had paid her own legal fees) She never had a real job when we were married. She tutored and had jobs where they paid her under the table. She didn't pay for anything. She hoarded her money. I paid for everything. Mortgage, utilities, food, etc. While we were married, she had me drain my 401K to nothing. The only asset I had was the house. And she wanted me to sign it over to her in exchange for not paying alimony. I said NO WAY! There was equity and that was needed to start my new life. I was married for 20 years. So alimony is pretty much for life. (Nobody is going to marry her! Nor would she want to get married,... a check for life) People say not to move out but I was forced to. She had me arrested on a made up charge and after I bailed out of jail, I moved to my parents house and filed a retraining order on her. There was no way I was going to be anywhere close to her. So anyway, I wish you luck. It will get better.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2026-06-16T05:22:37+00:00

9 years is good. It’s right below 10 year threshold where you risk lifetime alimony in California.

Don’t move out. Be perfect parent of your child (ideally - primary caregiver). Hire litigator attorney.

HandDownManDown11 · 2026-06-16T04:44:16+00:00

Don’t move out. Spend us much quality time with your daughter. This will help with 50/50 custody which will then help with child support. Leverage sacrificing the house and the child tax break in exchange for lower alimony/support and to not touch your retirement. You have to give yourself a chance to start over clean without alimony and support holding you down even if that means giving a lot up front. I gave up our primary and don’t have to pay support or alimony nor share my retirement. But my situation was less toxic.

badskiier · 2026-06-16T04:42:18+00:00

Also in CA, make $250K, two kids, wife can't hold a job.

Custody is 80/20 (kids are teens and don't want to go back and forth) and with alimony I'm paying $5300. Courts imputed income on her (a touch above minimum wage). I would expect your monthly to be lower than $4K if 50/50 custody.

She only will get half of pension earned during marriage, so pension time outside of that is yours. For example, we were married 14 years of my 20 year career, so she only could claim about 1/3 pension. I bought her out of it with cash.

401K is half, minus what you can prove (with growth) you had before marriage.

Bottom line is to not be cheap and talk to a lawyer. Don't try to mediate/negotiate without someone telling you what you legally are entitled to.

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2026-06-16T04:37:06+00:00

California? Can you relocate to a foreign country and re-file there? I'm not kidding

If you have foreign connections, especially if you both do, you might be able to pull some diplomatic uno reverses

Title	Wife wants 4K a month. Half 401k and pension. I make 200k how fucked am I?
Author	MagneticHearts
Upvotes	29
Comments	57
Date	June 16, 2026 4:28 AM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1u73f0n/wife_wants_4k_a_month_half_401k_and_pension_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/wife-wants-4k-a-month-half-401k-and-pension-i-make.1582851 https://theredarchive.com/post/1582851

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