[Debate] Do women like sex as much as men do?

winndixie · 2016-08-24T03:03:25+00:00

My answer: I don't know. How could I?

My general feeling on this question is that it's too broad. Way too broad. When I listen to men talking about their sexuality, their sex drives etc., it often strikes as, well, very male. And therefore somewhat alien. And I think a lot of people, male and female, automatically assume that the way they experience a thing (for example, sex drive) is the way other people experience the same thing. A lot of men on this sub seem to make all kinds of assumptions about women and sex based simply on the fact that women tend to want casual sex a lot less often than they do.

But here's the thing (here's many things). It's different. When men talk about sex, especially the men on here, they often say things like "I'm attracted to 90% of non-fat women between the ages of 18 and 25." That is unthinkable to me. Hell, men can masturbate to still photos of random women. Women they don't know (I mean, not celebs, just random internet models they know nothing about, who they've never heard speak or seen move etc.). I can't do that. My sex drive feels much more focused than men's does. A photo, even of an objectively very attractive man, will rarely if ever be enough to actually cause sexual arousal. It might cause interest. I wonder what his voice sounds like? I wonder how he sits on the sofa? I wonder what makes him laugh? etc. But without at least some of that info I feel next to nothing. I need to know who someone is before I can want to bang them. Not necessarily their deepest secrets and emotional truths but just the way they handle themselves, the way they exist in the world, interact with me/other people etc.

There's also the issue of women's cycle. All those studies that /u/interversity linked - I'd be interested to see if any of them tracked where the women were in their cycle. Because that matters a lot. Like, I can't even really emphasize how much that matters. There are a couple of days a month where the idea of being touched, even non-sexually and even by a man I love, is vaguely repulsive. Even thinking about it and I'm aware of an immediate 'yuck, oh god, no' response in my mind. Interestingly this feeling sometimes happens right after sex (i.e. orgasm), too. Very fleeting, only a few seconds and by no means all the time (estimate: 15% of the time). Once it passes I'm right back to cuddle-mode but for those few brief moments it's almost nauseating to think of him touching me, of his nakedness etc. But there are other days in a monthly cycle where my brain feels foggy with how sex-crazed it is. Days when the only thought on my mind is 'his dick, his dick, his dick, his dick.' It's not generalized, either - focused on all men. It's focused on one man or maybe two. I feel more open to flirtation on those days, including with attractive randomers. The focus can be shifted onto someone new, but again, it's going to take more than being a certain age and not fat/ugly. If that - how I feel on those few days - is how men feel all the time then congratulations to men for getting anything done, ever.

What else? Men seemed satisfied with an orgasm. They can go from this extreme sex mode to drinking coffee and talking about something they read online in 5 seconds. On the horny-days of my cycle an orgasm satisfies nothing. In fact it just heightens it, makes me want him more, again etc. Don't get me wrong, it's awesome, but the feeling of almost being drugged by own hormones isn't solved until time passes. Getting laid doesn't make it go away.

I'm blarghing this just as an example of how different a 'sex drive' can be in terms of expression, experience etc. Does random man X have a higher sex drive than me? On the days when I don't want sex at all, obviously, yes. On the days when I'll literally be unable to think about anything except sex with specific man Y? Probably not. It's hard to describe how all-encompassing that feeling is. How impossible it is to do anything except focus on him, wanting to gnaw on his shoulders etc.

So I guess the takeaway for a dude might be try and be the one she wants. Because just being attractive isn't enough for most women, not to trigger that lizard brain response, anyway. Once it is triggered (and not untriggered), though, she's yours. For at least a few days a month, anyway. ;)

Edit: Just a note - if a woman is on the pill, none of that cycle stuff applies.

wynterpetals · 2016-08-24T02:10:01+00:00

They want good sex. If it's likely to be shitty, it's just not worth it. Besides, just like men, women can get themselves off.

DrunkGirl69 · 2016-08-24T04:28:59+00:00

Men have greater potential for wanting sex, women have greater potential for enjoying it. Vice versa for marriage.

I think you just have to find a partner who's good at it.

Interversity · 2016-08-24T01:55:34+00:00

Probably not (on average), given the orgasm gap.

If the question is 'do women want sex as often as men', then definitely no.

lollygagyo · 2016-08-24T06:59:14+00:00

The reward is not the same for women. A ONS doesn't ensure orgasm. And the risks are greater -- you get more judgement from your peer group, generally speaking, and you feel less safe because there's a potential this dude could rough you up that you've been warned about your whole life. Men are not warned about the risks of going home with strange women in the same way (although maybe they should be).

My sex drive is higher than most men's and I've never gone home with someone from a bar or club for safety reasons. I was a party girl, so I pretty much spent 3 years straight getting fucked up (responsibly for the most part) Fridays and Saturdays at bars and clubs. It just doesn't appeal, the ONS thing, even when I'm desperate to get laid. I tend play for numbers, not ONS when I'm out and most of the very sexually liberal female friends I was pal-ing about with at this time did the same thing.

I want to know you're sane before we have sex. I want to know you're not terrible and will take my pleasure into account (in many accounts of tinder hookups and ONS I've heard from friends, men refuse to go down on women. I've never had a partner who didn't enthusiastically give oral, casual or otherwise, and I wouldn't be interested in having sex with that kind of man).

I want to fall for your mannerisms a little bit, your thoughts etc before we wind up in bed together. Sex is intimacy and intimacy is knowledge. Having total physical knowledge with 0 personal knowledge feels hollow and wrong to many people.

I even 'know' the vast majority of my clients like this and I've found -- because sometimes I'm bored and can't be bothered to forge a connection -- that most dudes are also really weirded out and awkward/uncomfortable sexually when this kind of knowledge isn't present. It can turn sex into a process that is essentially masturbatory.

I often think that the way men talk about their sexuality and the way that male sexuality actually is are two very different things. There's a huge pressure to say that you want to fuck all the time, that you're emotionless and stoic and capable of objectifying people, that you enjoy that. Because it's alpha and it's powerful -- the ability to discard people. I just don't think it's actually that enjoyable, or is maximally enjoyable for most people.

Similarly, women face a great pressure to pretend that they're not horny, that they don't masturbate, that they never have dirty thoughts. I know I used to tell people I didn't masturbate or look at porn when I was younger, because that would be gross. Lies, so many lies.

I think women fear that ONS in bar/club situations will be a sex-without-intimacy kind of situation because of the way men discuss their sexuality. There's a fear of being objectified and treated poorly, of feeling used. And no one wants to feel used (outside of kinkplay) -- a positive sexual experience is reciprocal and you don't expect that from a strange dude in a bar because of the way many men talk about the chicks who go home with men from bars.

Imo, if male sexuality were less open about its violence and desire to use and objectify and dehumanise (and maybe it can be, but maybe it can't be) then women would become a lot more open about the level of desire they experience.

OfSpock · 2016-08-24T03:15:21+00:00

I don't even like talking to people I don't know well, let alone getting physical with them.

GaiusScaevolus · 2016-08-24T14:25:40+00:00

For men, sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still decent and even when I'm not in the mood for pizza, if you put a pie in front of me, I'll have a slice or two.

Women seem to view sex more like sushi. You can't enjoy bad sushi like you can enjoy bad pizza, it has to be good sushi to be enjoyed. Also, even with the best sushi in the world, sometimes you just aren't in the mood for it.

Men like sex more in the sense that we;re usually down to have sex, the quality of partner/sex matters to us far less.

[deleted] · 2016-08-24T02:40:00+00:00

I think women enjoy good sex as much as if not more than men do, but are also much more likely to experience bad sex. So there's a broader range of experiences... from face-melting multi-orgasmic sessions to downright painful. Men can be fairly assured that as long as they find a willing partner they'll at least leave satisfied but for women that's probably not the case... a vibrator is almost always a better bet in terms of getting off.

I blame a lot of that on the lack of educational emphasis on making sex pleasurable. We're so concerned with making sure kids avoid it that we never tell girls that they can have orgasms too and how to guide a partner in the right direction. It's surprisingly unintuitive for an inexperienced, repressed woman.

Thechoppergunner9 · 2016-08-24T02:35:11+00:00

So from what I gather, you guys are telling me that most women don't have the same sex drive/sexual craving that most guys do, correct?

betterdeadthanbeta · 2016-08-24T07:59:09+00:00

Women are a strange breed. I had one ex back when i was young and dumb and didnt know what i was doing in bed. Nevertheless, we fucked like rabbits. Had another ex who i gave multiple squirting, leg shaking orgasms to... she only wanted it once a week.

So, I dont really buy these arguments that women would want more sex if men were better at it.

[deleted] · 2016-08-24T08:36:26+00:00

I see a lot of posts claiming that women can and do enjoy sex as much as guys. But I also see a lot of guys who, despite going out to bars and trying cheesy pick up lines, fail to consistently pick up women. If women enjoy sex as much as men, shouldn't more guys be getting lucky?

Women have a lower sex drive than men. A woman with a high sex drive is the female equivalent of a man with a normal sex drive, and there are very few women with a sex drive like that, so the rest of the women are only capable of getting sexually aroused enough to have casual sex and one-night stands when the guy has alpha male looks, leaving the majority of the men out there unable to have casual sex. Why do you think most guys go through dry spells even though they lower their standards? Why do you never hear of a woman with a dry spell unless she's 4'11'' and 300 pounds?

[deleted] · 2016-08-24T14:39:43+00:00

Women (mostly) are responsive in my experience. First she has to be open to the idea in general . Then she has to be open to the idea at that minute. The she has to be open to the idea in that minute with that guy. Then there have to be no barriers to her perception of self in regards to having sex with that guy in that place in that time...

lots of things to "screw up" with that guy.

sex to a guy is eating a burger... as long as its not too burnt, or raw, most guys will eat most burgers.

Women, while they may like burgers in general, tend to have a craving for that one burger they saw that smelled good that had all the right toppings in the right amounts, without anything yucky.... because, well, everyone's got a burger to offer her.

TW_CountryMusic · 2016-08-24T16:30:09+00:00

People ITT seem to be conflating how much you like something with how badly you want/crave it, which, while correlated, aren't necessarily the same IMO.

Who likes wine more -- the seasoned wine connoisseur with expensive taste who visits Napa Valley once a year, or the alcoholic who gets piss drunk on Boon's Farm every night?

Who likes dogs more -- the pathological animal hoarder, or the person who does a lot of research about breeds, takes the process of adopting a dog very seriously, and devotes a lot of time to the training and care of the animal?

I realize these aren't perfect examples because they make it seem like I think the male sex drive is pathological or irresponsible, which is not what I believe and not the point I'm trying to make. I'm just trying to illustrate the point that indulging in something more frequently doesn't necessarily mean you like it more than someone who indulges less often.

I think it's pretty obvious which sex wants sex more and has the stronger drive overall. I also think there's a strong case that men are more likely to enjoy sex more often just as a matter of physiology and the ability to achieve arousal/orgasm more easily. I think it's that physiological difference that makes it difficult to make an apples-to-apples comparison between male and female enjoyment of sex itself. When the sex is good, then I think women have an equal if not greater capacity to enjoy it (but then that's kind of a tautology -- "women enjoy enjoyable sex.")

tl;dr There aren't many areas where I think "men and women are different" is a good argument, but this is one where I think it is. The sexes experience sex so differently I don't think it's possible or productive to compare the two.

fullmoonhermit · 2016-08-24T17:49:03+00:00

Women like good sex as much as men do. Finding it is a harder proposition.

Giving a woman an orgasm is more complicated than giving one to a man. Finding a random guy in a bar who you can a) feel comfortable/safe with, b) are attracted to, and c) enjoy sex with isn't as easy as RP men make it sound.

It's just kind of a pain in the ass, frankly. A vibrator only needs a set of double A's.

[deleted] · 2016-08-24T02:19:15+00:00

[permanently deleted]

[deleted] · 2016-08-24T04:59:38+00:00

Women don't have sex with men because said men are horny and want it. Women have sex with men because said men are desireble to them. Your question reads like such a basic concept is shocking to you.

obstinatebeagle · 2016-08-24T06:34:22+00:00

No. No they don't.

From http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare

Do men really have stronger sex drives than women?

Well, yes, they do. Study after study shows that men's sex drives are not only stronger than women's, but much more straightforward.

It's pretty much a no-brainer. Men jump through all sorts of hoops all the time to convince women to have sex. Women on the other hand need to be convinced. What does that tell you? It says men on average are way more hornier than women, otherwise men would not try so hard to bed women and women would not try so hard to stop them.

There is some evidence to suggest that some young women also have a reasonably high sex drive, but it's specific to being young and it tends to drop off quickly as they age.

BiggerDthanYou · 2016-08-24T07:19:34+00:00

They want and need sex. Sometimes more often than the guys they are together with.

It's just that they don't like awkward sex with strangers as much as men, because many want at least a little bit of an emotional connection and the possibility of good sex.

bones_and_love · 2016-08-24T05:14:40+00:00

You'd fucking know if you fucked every now and then.

[deleted] · 2016-08-24T10:45:02+00:00

But I also see a lot of guys who, despite going out to bars and trying cheesy pick up lines, fail to consistently pick up women. If women enjoy sex as much as men, shouldn't more guys be getting lucky?

Cuz women are the selectors.

Even if we agree for the sake of discussion men and women enjoy sex as much to get that out the way, when it's the men who approach, the women have the most choices.

And let's say you really like cake. If you have like 50 different cakes to choose from each day, you will be more selective about which cakes you'll eat than if you have just a few, in which case you'd end up settling for one that isn't quite to your tastes but still enjoyable.

I'm not moralising over this or calling it bad either. It's a 100% perfectly natural response to having the opportunity to choose what you want from a wide variety of options. Any man who claims he would not be more selective in the dating game if he could is a liar.

bornredd · 2016-08-24T15:51:42+00:00

I think it is 100% possible for a woman to enjoy sex with a man as much as that man enjoys having sex with her.

However, this will involve that man generating enough "tingles" (emotional state, obvious physical attraction, compatible body chemistry) for her to feel that way. My wife's sex drive is as high as mine with me. My ex (bless her alpha widowed heart) had a huge sex drive with me, but it is almost entirely gone according to her husband.

I don't believe women enjoy casual sex as much as men do, on average - I think that they only enjoy it the way that men do when their "attraction/tingles" boxes all get checked.

[deleted] · 2016-08-24T19:37:48+00:00

If women enjoy sex as much as men, shouldn't more guys be getting lucky?

Maybe someone responded to this already.

This stood out to me. Women do enjoy sex a lot, but only with attractive men. Given the choice between sex with an unattractive man and going without, most women choose "going without". So women liking sex a lot doesn't translate into more guys getting sex. It translates into attractive men getting more sex.

sofcknwrong · 2016-08-24T22:14:51+00:00

Hell no. Women have a once-in-a-blue-moon desire for Chads and none for non-Chad males. Hell, most women would be content with lifelong celibacy if not for their desire for companionship and societal pressures, plus the desire to raise children.

[deleted] · 2016-08-27T17:02:17+00:00

No, women do NOT like sex as much as men do. Most women are Chadsexual and have desire only for the top 20 percent of men. Other than that, sex is something to be tolerated in exchange for social status and provisioning.

sso_1 · 2016-08-24T04:00:15+00:00

Like men, it varies per woman. Some men have low sex drives and some men have very high sex drives. The same goes for women. The bar issue is slightly different. Even though women love sex, that doesn't mean they're interested in having sex with the man that hit on them. Maybe she's in a relationship, doesn't find him attractive, has her period, not into one night stands. The list could really go on and on. Also, because of society, some women try not to increase their "number".

Ultramegasaurus · 2016-08-24T04:00:51+00:00

They do enjoy sex as much, if the man is a skillfull Chad. However, their general sex drive is lower, especially since most men do not turn women on at all.

[deleted] · 2016-08-24T07:10:04+00:00

Women's relationship with sex is different. It is an offering, bargaining chip for the alpha's sex. While with betas it's an offering for resources. Of course, one thing can serve many purposes and of course women do get off on it.

Men, their relationship with sex is use whatever or whomever to get off.

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DarkLord0chinChin · 2016-08-24T10:09:35+00:00

czerdec · 2016-08-24T15:04:12+00:00

Please try to give falsifiable answers, people! Otherwise it's just pseudoscientific chin music.

The model for a good answer to the question, positive or negative, is:

I think women like/ don't like sex as much as men, based on these findings. My opinion will be proven incorrect if this different set of results are found by researchers.

[deleted] · 2016-08-24T17:38:03+00:00

No, I don't think on the WHOLE, women want sex or crave sex as much as men.

[deleted] · 2016-08-25T22:13:56+00:00

Only when they are on the rag

Shazoa · 2016-08-24T11:09:59+00:00

If women enjoy sex as much as men, shouldn't more guys be getting lucky?

I don't think this argument really holds because that way of approaching people isn't going to have a high chance of success. People tend to get on better when their initial interaction isn't forced or artificial, and just comes about 'naturally'. Plenty of women (and men) are wanting sex but aren't going to just put out without the right conditions.

PersianDj · 2016-08-24T09:01:57+00:00

Of course, with guys out of their league.

Hairbrainer · 2016-08-24T19:11:52+00:00

I'm sure they like it just as much, but there's reason to be picky. A lot of men suck at sex, or are two-pump chumps, so why bother getting worked up if it's not gonna be satisfying?

In my experience, once a woman knows that she'll have a good sexual experience with a certain man, she's very likely to want to see this man again for sex.

Title	[Debate] Do women like sex as much as men do?
Author	Thechoppergunner9
Upvotes	8
Comments	252
Date	August 24, 2016 1:49 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/4za3tu/debate_do_women_like_sex_as_much_as_men_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/debate-do-women-like-sex-as-much-as-men-do.273431 https://theredarchive.com/post/273431

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