After seeing what's happening to my relationship, RedPill makes a lot of sense. How would you approach my situation?

goatismycopilot · 2015-12-06T13:46:15+00:00

Break up, you don't want the same level of sexual connection. That won't change.

energyvolley · 2015-12-06T18:29:04+00:00

Break up with her. Now. Or sooner if you can. Travel back in time and break up with her. So many red flags here: 1) no sexual connection 2) she's not fighting fair/with "forever" in mind. Her telling you she was a "sex bunny" in other relationships is stupidly unhelpful and just shows her lack of conflict resolution skills 3) she clearly has some emotional baggage that she needs to deal with. You're a beginner at this dating thing and she's bringing an advanced level of baggage. Get out, man.

MaybeIAmJustinBieber · 2015-12-06T13:41:33+00:00

I think you should break up with her. You're 24 years old, male, life ahead of you, you want sex. Your girlfriend is not attracted to you (no use sugarcoating it) and probably sees sex with you as a chore. You two are incompatible. Find a girl who is attracted to you.

At the same time I would ask myself why your girlfriend isn't attracted to you. Focus on things you can fix. If you are not fit that might be the problem - girls like nice bodies. You might not be confident/creative enough in bed. Being short and/or asian is something you can't change, but there are enough women who like asians and don't mind below average height that this shouldn't worry you.

I wish I was making this up. It sounds like a bullshit field report. But it happened and here I am the next morning, having gotten no sleep. I feel ashamed of myself, I feel like a beta bucks. Used for my generosity towards her (I treated her VERY well, with respect and making sure she was always comfortable). I feel like this proves what redpill was saying all along. That to make the girl wet you have to be sort of a douchebag.

I'd like to make a distinction here. There is a difference between being a douchebag and not pedestalizing your girlfriend. From what you wrote above it sounds to me like (in part because she was your first) you were going at the latter too hard. It's okay and healthy to think of yourself and your own needs in a relationship. Being dominant in bed is also fine and fun. This doesn't make you a douchebag.

I also don't think your girlfriend sees you as a "beta bucks" in the sense that she thinks "ohhh he's not sexy but at least he'll earn a lotta money and take care of me". I think she genuinely likes you as a person. She just doesn't like your body or your attitude in bed.

[deleted] · Sun Dec 6 13:35:20 2015 UTC

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[deleted] · 2015-12-06T16:49:53+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you, but the nature of human mating is harsh.

Short with a small penis? Good luck, buddy. You're going to have to work out a shit ton and lower your standards to girls even less attractive than you are. However, even the ugliest girl still won't be attracted to an insecure doormat.

wub1234 · 2015-12-06T13:34:04+00:00

I wish I was making this up. It sounds like a bullshit field report.

Yes, it does.

I don't believe for one second a woman told you that she doesn't find you sexually attractive, but she wants to stay with you, and even that she had found exes really sexually attractive at this stage of the relationship.

I don't believe this happened for one second. But if it did happen, you should dump her so fast that her feet don't touch the ground.

[deleted] · 2015-12-06T19:03:28+00:00

No big loss bro.

She is a used up skank who brings nothing to the table (relationship) besides her used up girl parts.

You can do better.

Take the experience you have had, kick her to the curb, onward and upward.

Abundance mentality is crucial. If you think you can't immediately walk out and get a new girl, you wont. If you know you can, you will.

[deleted] · 2015-12-06T19:30:22+00:00

She's not sexually attracted to you. I'd breakup. EVEN if she brings the lust you'll still focus on her having more partners (when you were overweight you had none).

circlhat · 2015-12-06T16:43:27+00:00

That to make the girl wet you have to be sort of a douchebag.

100% correct, however your definition of douchebag needs to change, it doesn't mean being mean, its more of a defensive stance than aggressive.

For example

Girl: "I want to go out and have a romantic date, all my other friends have guys that do that"

beta Bucks: "Ok lets have a special night"

Douche bag: "In your dreams sweetie"

Notice how the douchebag is in the defensive stance, he isn't demanding anything, he isn't controlling.

Now we both know the girl is going to go for the douche bag but lets change that word to something more realistic.

She is going to go for the guy who does want he wants.

nomdplume · 2015-12-06T21:48:36+00:00

I wish I was making this up. It sounds like a bullshit field report.

Even if it is, I'm quite sure this happens to men, so I'm good to go with answering it.

This woman has a low sex drive and maybe low body confidence too.
She's also possibly not as attracted to you physically as she could be. Or, more likely, she's blaming her low sex drive on you. You don't really know what she was like with those other guys. They might have just ordered her around in the bedroom and she obeyed, and she thought that was 'hot'. She most probably never really enjoyed it.

In any relationship with a guy who is dominant sexually, she might have "hot sex" with them at the start, but it will wane. She doesn't have a high sex drive, or she wouldn't just be lying there every time she has sex with you. That's impossible.

As painful as it might be, end it.
Don't talk about not feeling lusted after with a girlfriend again. It's either there or it isn't. Do what you can to make yourself as attractive as possible, but don't ask someone to feel more desire for you. Also realize that some women have a low sex drive and you can't change that.
She didn't use you. Don't let red pill drill into your brain with that nonsense. She liked you and tried a relationship with you. She didn't know this would happen.
This is going to hit you hard. She was your first. You're going to be angry, upset, confused and feeling belittled. But consider what has she really done wrong? Nothing. She's done nothing wrong to you.

needsomehelp3211 · 2015-12-06T13:23:57+00:00

My advice is to leave her and find someone who is sexually excited by you. If she isn't nothing is gonna make her. Go find someone who WANTS you.

buartha · 2015-12-06T17:05:18+00:00

I don't think TRP is true of all, or most women, but in your current girlfriend's case I think it's going to be more true than most. Because she's feeling unstable and has had a bad history with men, she's stuck between being used to be stimulated by a certain kind of behaviour and knowing intellectually that she should want something else. I'm not in the RP camp of believing attraction is totally non-negotiable, since I've found myself looking certain behaviours and traits that I didn't like before after exposure to them over time, but I do think that it's impossible to build attraction with someone who won't make an effort with you to improve things, and if she's giving up on even trying after only 3 months then I honestly don't see things getting better.

In terms of how to stop this happening in future relationships, I'd suggest you try to find someone who has either worked through their issues before meeting you or who has a similar lack of experience with relationships. There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone with baggage if you have the experience to know how to handle it or they take responsibility for dealing with it themselves, but it sounds like neither of those things are true in your current relationship.

wtknight · 2015-12-06T14:39:34+00:00

This doesn't prove Red Pill is right because she hasn't shown any evidence that she is still attracted to douchebags. All your story shows is that she no longer considers sex a priority in her relationships. It sounds like she is jaded by relationships that are sex first and other aspects second. However, you have a right to want sex to be a priority in your relationship if that is what you prefer, and if she continues to be relatively cold towards you sexually, I would suggest breaking up with her and finding somebody more sexually compatible with you.

rulenumber303 · 2015-12-06T13:59:23+00:00

Well, if you're not satisfied, just leave her man.

ozymandias271 · 2015-12-06T18:32:43+00:00

I feel ashamed of myself, I feel like a beta bucks. Used for my generosity towards her (I treated her VERY well, with respect and making sure she was always comfortable). I feel like this proves what redpill was saying all along. That to make the girl wet you have to be sort of a douchebag.

That doesn't follow.

Like, imagine that niceness/douchebaggery and attractiveness/unattractiveness are totally uncorrelated: there are exactly the same number of attractive douchebags, unattractive douchebags, attractive nice people, and unattractive nice people. Obviously, if you were an unattractive douchebag, she wouldn't date you! She would have no reason to! So given that your girlfriend is unattracted to you, of course you treated her well; that's what made her think "well, maybe I can make this work" rather than adding you to her list of Worst First Date Stories.

Adding to the chorus of people who are like "dump her"; you're 24, you've only had one sexual partner, you really deserve sex with someone who's begging for your cock.

rulenumber303 · 2015-12-06T17:00:43+00:00

Every time someone changes their dating priorities in a major way they put themself at the start of a brand new learning curve. You're the start of her learning curve with guys who want something maybe a bit more tender and lasting but still with passion. She's learning stuff about herself and the dynamics. She'll be as clumsy and unsure and not knowing what she really wants as she was back when she started with casual sex.

If you don't want to stick together and see what you both can learn from this point on together, that's fine it is your right even if it upsets her. If you do stick together, take a little responsibility and don't blame her for your decision to do so or for decisions she made before she even met you... back then not only did she owe you nothing she didn't even know you existed. It would be the height of narcissism to assume she should have made decisions for your benefit, not had all that mindblowing sex and instead pined for your fat arse. I men seriously, if you weren't fuckable back then you had no right to expect anyone to be saving their loving for you.

Also, a word from someone who had to break up with a man who begged... begging don't count for shit.

Hawanja · 2015-12-06T18:38:24+00:00

There is no "blue pill" advice, because there is no blue pill. But what I would do is leave. No idiotic red pill manipulation is going to change this girl. "Holding frame," treating her like a child, etc. is only going to make things worse.

Ultrablue1973 · 2015-12-06T15:05:45+00:00

She's not attracted to you and probably isn't getting much out of the sex. You are new at it, and maybe not doing a very good job at it either. The Asian/short/not conventionally attractive is a cop out--sorry, have dated a "not attractive", shorter than me, Asian man and the sex was awesome because he was creative and responsive. (He broke up with me, not the other way around.)

Finally, even if she did want to have sex with you all the time, dancing "sexy" might be something she wouldn't be able to do if she has the low self-esteem you claim. Fighting with her about it wasn't cool. Would have been better to try taking it slow.

I suspect you're not compatible at any rate, and probably need to break up.

nomdplume · 2015-12-06T18:52:01+00:00

I'm not a "Bluepiller". But my piece of advice is the following:

Break up. The relationship obviously won't last, and if you get dumped by her(or she cheats on you, which seems likely), your self-esteem will plummet. You'll feel in control of your life by doing what's best for you.

If you're a typical "Nice guy" then TRP stuff will sound logical because it's kind of half-right. However, instead of trying to be "alpha" and pass "Shit tests", you should just learn to respect yourself - and breaking up with this woman is a good first step towards this.

Remember, all women are actually not like that. When you start thinking like that, imagine hearing a woman tell you "All men are just assholes who want nothing more than sex!". The reason why she's wrong is the same as the reason TRPs "AWALT" doctrine is wrong.

Here's some stuff you can read that's waaaay better than TRP:

http://markmanson.net/

I especially recommend these two articles:

http://markmanson.net/vulnerability

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

[deleted] · 2015-12-06T13:27:01+00:00

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Yonderlander · 2015-12-06T16:27:55+00:00

Yep, she's not the one. She's only 22 and she's still figuring things out, you're not the one for her either. Congrats on getting going, now find someone who is right.

MrFuckupKing · 2015-12-06T20:54:36+00:00

Stop thinking with your dick. Guys fail with women because they try to make a woman who is clearly unsuitable for a relationship into a relationship.

They do this because they want to control the pussy and cannot tolerate being alone.

Whores are for fucking, not for relationships.

She has slept with dozens of guys. Why would she stop?

When you have a relationship with a woman you are having a relationship with how she uses her body as sex.

This post almost seems to stupid to believe. Seriously are their really men in the world who try to have relationships with women like this?

A virgin meets a whore? This sounds like fiction.

I smell a troll.

littleyellowpills · 2015-12-07T07:38:08+00:00

Ugh, I've been with a depressed girl and it really sucks. You want to be good to her but her depression keeps her from being good to you, so you end up justifiably resentful. That said, I think it's worth one last try to save this. Here's what I would tell her if I were you:

"You said sex is no longer a priority for you, but it is for me. I need to feel sexually desired to be happy in a relationship. I love you and I want to have mind-blowing sex with you, not with just anyone. I want to stay in this relationship, but this is something that absolutely has to get better."

Then see how she responds. In the best case scenario she finds your newfound assertiveness sexy and you're on your way to pound town. More likely, she'll feel inadequate and insecure (because she usually does, because she's depressed) and might even verbally lash out at you. At this point you just have to strike a delicate balance between comforting and reassuring her on the one hand, and being absolutely unambiguous about your sexual and emotional needs on the other. That's really tough and I can't give you a script to follow. Just remember that giving in and resigning yourself to bad sex after 4 months is no good for either of you.

Finally, watch Esther Perel's TED talk on creating and sustaining sexual desire, and consider showing it to your girlfriend. tl;dr sexuality is about closing the gap between the self and other. You have to find benign ways to create that gap so you can have fun jumping across it. Just something to keep in mind whether or not things work out with this girl.

EDIT: Obviously you break up with her if this doesn't work (It probably won't, it sounds like she needs a shrink more than she needs a boyfriend). I wouldn't give it more than 1 month without a real, unambiguous improvement--not "I'm trying", real results. You got a girlfriend once, you can do it again. And if you can't, being single is far better than this toxic situation.

dota2nub · 2015-12-07T16:16:49+00:00

It's not because you're not a douchebag. It's because you have no self esteem and are probably physically unfit and have no sexual compatibility with her. I've been 'betabux' to hot party girls who couldn't get enough of crazy sex with me. It wasn't because I treated them like crap. It was because I wasn't needy.

midnightvulpine · 2015-12-07T19:35:10+00:00

I'm curious how much depression and low self esteem play a part in her lack of desire. I would encourage her to get therapy to work through that. A naturally or 'trained' passive person generally wouldn't initiate and might respond positively or at least respond(whether liked or not) to a stronger personality.

I'd advise, if you really like his girl and are willing to stick out the Lon haul, explore how her mood is effected by her personal issues.

Squibbles01 · 2015-12-09T06:20:21+00:00

Yeah fuck that bitch. Get out of there.

Pleb-Tier_Basic · 2015-12-09T18:03:54+00:00

First things first, my blue pill advice is that you shouldn't assume that your experience with this one person is universal. Was this a girl shitty who used you? yes. But that doesn't mean that the natural order of things is AFBB and that mutually beneficial relationships are impossible.

Other than that, dump her. I've been saying it for years: if you're in your first relationship, dump them. It never works, ever, and even when it does it work it doesn't really work. You said it yourself; you have no self-confidence and have no experience with dating. What that says to me is that a) you don't know red flags and b) you're probably willing to tolerate shit you otherwise wouldn't because you're thirsty/don't know better

Dump her. It sounds like she likes the convenience of the relationship and the attention your provide, and you're probably any easy target because you don't know much better. And you don't need TRP to see that

strongalfalfa · 2015-12-06T14:20:17+00:00

The bluepill advice is that you have to communicate clearly with her that your needs aren't being met. You need to express what they are, why they aren't being met, and why you can't continue this relationship if you don't have your needs met.

BP doesn't say stay in unhappy relationships. It has a problem with trp because it sees men deliberately taking steps to be more manipulative.

If you're unhappy, do the grown-up thing and just leave. I think you should try to compromise and patch up the relationship, but if you can't, be a man and leave with some dignity instead of resorting to emotional manipulation. That's TBP advice.

exit_sandman · 2015-12-06T18:06:26+00:00

What if she's asexual and her lack of sexual attraction has nothing to do with you? If sex is integral to your relationship but you love her, maybe try keeping your sex life and romantic life separate, e.g. keep dating her but see other women for sex and sex only?

mashakos · 2015-12-06T19:02:43+00:00

some women are excited by a strong, take charge, rough and tumble kind of masculinity. They are very aware of men's natural differences to women where physical strength is concerned and need to see that difference made more apparent in order to feel sexually aroused.

By telling her you find it pleasurable to see her dance while you sit under her, you are basically telling her that the way you would feel most excited is by her taking charge. In other words she is taking the dominant role while you take the compliant submissive role. It clearly sounds like she finds that extremely disappointing.

By complaining to her you are showing her that you are both equals. While this is appreciated in matters where the future of the relationship is concerned, when it's brought into the bedroom where a woman feels more feminine under a take charge, confident man, it just makes her feel less feminine and more surrogate mother - dealing with your emotional outburst and placating you.

You two are not compatible, blue pill advice is right - break up with her and re-evaluate. You can fake being a douchebag but in the long run you will hate what you are becoming and you will hate the relationship. It is better to learn from this than to trap yourself into self loathing through deceiving others and yourself.

Purecorrupt · 2015-12-06T22:03:57+00:00

One thing I will say is how you "asked for a sexy dance." Appears needy/pathetic.

Take or leave what I'm about to say. Everything always varies depending on context. Just like most things - everything isn't black or white there is a lot of gray.

So Power talk / leading in general is something I learned from the workplace. I've learned to apply it outside of that as well. TRP will focus on using it with women, but men are just as fucking indecisive.

For example "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't know/care" versus "Let's eat at X or Y". " X sounds good".

Personally - When I present in front of Vice Presidents or Directors I give mostly statements and facts. If I'm working on an idea I don't ask them for an opinion, I create a proposal and let them critique it or come up with a solution and show it to them.

When you start by asking a question that puts pressure on the other person to answer and think about having to do something. If you say commands and can demonstrate knowledge and understanding confidently you will be questioned less. Don't fill in silences - move to the next thing - etc. If someone has a question they will ask you. Don't just talk to talk.

There's a saying that goes something like "Don't ask for permission, instead ask for forgiveness". I think this implies - if you ask for permission and the result is awful it is that person's fault (responsibility). If you are asking for forgiveness whether right or wrong then you are responsible for the decision choice.

I've mostly applied this with setting up dates so I can't tell you how to get a girl to do sexy dances for you. But you can't jump from no sexy dances to getting one. You can start by demonstrating you making decisions and make them for yourself. Then include her. I am going to the gym. I am going to the store. I am going to watch this show. We are doing this. We are doing that. Obviously if she doesn't want to then still do it without showing emotional discomfort. Then you can start trying to escalate being the decision maker into more than just that.

Good luck.

Sepean · 2015-12-07T11:14:27+00:00

Get over to /r/marriedredpill

It turned my marriage around completely.

santasbabiesinsideme · 2015-12-06T13:43:56+00:00

My advice would be to go to couples counselling. Try to communicate your needs to her and reach a compromise. A therapist may be able to help you both get through your insecurities and co-dependent behaviours. If this fails, wish her well and move on.

You should also try dating from a different circle. Lower your physical standards maybe, try asking out the shy bookish girl in the library corner. And don't generalise women! Just because one girl doesn't like you doesn't mean we are all like that.

You are a nice guy, I'm sure you'll find the woman one day. Best of luck xx

Title	After seeing what's happening to my relationship, RedPill makes a lot of sense. How would you approach my situation?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	14
Comments	199
Date	December 6, 2015 1:17 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3vnmy6/after_seeing_whats_happening_to_my_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/after-seeing-whats-happening-to-my-relationship.278077 https://theredarchive.com/post/278077

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