Is self-improvement the solution to getting alpha widowed?

SeemedGood · 2020-04-01T14:59:55+00:00

That's one method of self improvement, another is taking genuine stock of yourself and what you can realistically attract without it being a pie in the sky. I think a combination of both is ideal

superincongruent · 2020-04-01T17:26:38+00:00

A good portion of being alpha widowed is looking at a past relationship with rose tinted glasses to begin with. Even if you get a better guy, you may not perceive him to be.

A lot of those AWd relationships ended before things got bad so a summer love will look better to a 10 year marriage even though you never really and truly knew the other person

akihonj · 2020-04-01T15:17:53+00:00

Everyone can improve of course but a 5 is always going to be a 5 regardless of how well she gets dressed up.

You are making a classical mistake of equating a fleeting thing like looks as the whole package when it's just not true nor is the correct assumptions to make

A five is a five because anybody can wear makeup a nice dress and a nice pair of heels and look great but a five shows they are a five because if their behaviour, getting drunk, swearing at people or treating people like crap makes others not want to be around you.

It makes no difference then how good somebody looks if their overall behaviour or the overall impression you have of them is that this person isn't a very good person then it doesn't matter how much self improvement one makes if they make it within the wrong areas.

uniqueeleni · 2020-04-01T15:52:23+00:00

Of course. I have done this. That’s the first thing I thought when I saw that thread. I was overweight (27 BMI) when I started going out with a guy more attractive than me, who eventually was refusing to commit and decided to pursue hotter girls.

I would have been an alpha widow of sort if I wouldn’t lose weight, because the chances to have such a guy to commit to me were very low, so I had four options:

Keep letting guys out of my league use me forever.
Get into a relationship with a “lesser” guy, which I tried a few times, but couldn’t even get past the first date and if I did I would end up resenting them.
Stay alone forever.
Lose some weight and improve my self worth in order to find someone of higher RMV who would commit to me.

I went with the last option in the end and my current boyfriend treats me great (without being pussy whipped or anything) and I consider him higher value than the previous guy.

My conclusion is that you should watch the kind of guys you like and see what the girls they are going for have in common and you don’t. There is always going to be something if you can’t attract the type you like.

The tip here is that you should figure this out at a reasonable age, because if you wait too long it will be harder to find the commitment you are looking for. (I am not talking about the wall that much, because as women get older they tend to like older guys too. But by then many good guys are taken and people regardless of gender tend to find it harder to date successfully later in life; take a look at r/datingoverthirty, it’s a pretty depressing place).

WIA20XX · 2020-04-01T14:57:48+00:00

Like Kylie and Kim getting plastic surgery?

pervlibertarian · 2020-04-01T16:05:26+00:00

Fuck its depressing that none of the top comments so far, or OP, mention education.

LadyFerretQueen · 2020-04-01T15:16:20+00:00

My god you people invent invent more expressions and labels that drag queens.

SeemedGood · 2020-04-01T15:23:59+00:00

Yes, but not that type of self improvement.

Women are hypergamous, they always want a guy “better” than themselves. So to follow your example:

Woman ranked 7 scores man ranked 8, gets alpha widowed, and responds by improving to 8. Now she wants man ranked 9.

Rather, the required self improvement is one of evolving beyond the ranking game entirely by becoming able to recognize and appreciate others for their beings as opposed to for their potential and expected (probability adjusted) utility to the self. Only such self improvement can free women from the cage of being alpha-widowed, or from the cage of the mating game itself.

ontherailstoday · 2020-04-01T19:49:41+00:00

People just grow into larger people emotionally than the grief of their losses. It is how every loss resulting in grief (not just losses in relationships) has to resolve if it is to resolve healthily. I'm not saying getting a glow-up can't help, obviously making an improvement on some level can have a powerful effect of re-establishing a positive mindset and identify less with your sense of loss... but really any sort of improvement or positive turn in your life can be helpful that way. A new and better job can help you get over a failed LTR, making new friends can help you recover from a divorce, spending a productive day on one of your hobbies can help after some dude turned out to be crap after a whole lot of texting which made you think he was decent.

Are you male? It is very male like to think the solution to everything is for a woman to put more effort into being pleasing to men.

pongaminbloom · 2020-04-01T20:57:39+00:00

If you feel like you were alpha widowed because you lost the richest guy you ever dated, then yes, self improvement is the answer. Just not the type you are talking about.

You've got to increase your earning potential so you can make your own money, and your financial situation won't depend on a man. If you are a gold digger, there is a good chance you'll just end up with a string of sugardaddies until your looks fade. Who can blame them for leaving if you don't love them?

Improving appearance may be more instrumental if your primary demand is for a partner who is good looking.

If you weren't already maintaining an attractive weight, taking care of your skin, using makeup skillfully, then doing those things can get you matches on tinder.

Maybe, just maybe, you'll get someone as handsome as the alpha who used you.

But, will that lead to marital bliss?

If alpha #2 only accepted you because of your improved appearance, you are just going to be alpha widowed again when you age.

Even if he loves you and remains with you, you're going to be happy if you love him too.

His testosterone levels are going to fall. His hair is going to migrate from his head to his nose and ears. His stuff is going to sag. His veins are going to show. He's probably going to get fat. His muscles and bone structure are going to atrophy. You'll be right back where you started--with a guy that is not as hot as alpha #1.

Your only chance at marital happiness is to marry for love.

Barely-moral · 2020-04-01T14:59:51+00:00

Eggs don't come back. You can't become younger. Women can improve, sure but they have a very limited time window and they are working against the aging process.

Also, oneitis is one hell of a drug both for men and women. She doesn't have to just land someone better (that is already a challenge because he will have options) she also has to overcome the oneitis that makes her see her ex as more than he actually is.

PolukranosWordEater · 2020-04-01T15:09:14+00:00

Alpha-widowing the way it is described by TRP doesn’t exist.

While people get hung up on their exes all the time (both male and female), women aren’t going to stay single for years because they had a ONS with Chad. The people who seem to have way too high standards are actually women who are afraid of intimacy, and use blasé comments like “he’s not good enough” to obfuscate this fact to others and to themselves.

In this respect, the self-improvement needed is not physical but emotional and mental.

LotBuilder · 2020-04-01T17:02:40+00:00

The better you are the better your dating pool is and the less likely you feel like you are really having to “settle”. Going from an A guy to a B+ is easier to swallow than ending up with a C+ after looking for 10 years.

There is never any downside to self improvement.

SILENTSAM69 · 2020-04-01T18:46:41+00:00

Yes... self improvement is how someone becomes more valuable to potential mates, and can attract a higher status mate.

BePrivateGirl · 2020-04-01T18:49:30+00:00

I copied this directly from a post I made in RPW 4 months ago. Being an alpha widow isn’t just about value. It’s about being hopeless.

I just wanted to have a brief discussion about being an alpha widow. First we should define it: An Alpha Widow is a woman (with low SMV) who has a relationship with a high SMV man. After the relationship ends she never gets over the Alpha guy, never finds meaningful relationships with anyone else, and goes through life dissatisfied in love.

Being in a relationship in the past does not make you an alpha widow. Being in a painful breakup does not make you an alpha widow. Thinking about your previous relationships or occasionally missing someone does not make you an alpha widow.

An Alpha Widow has Low Value, and for most of us, being in this sub and trying to self improve already puts you a step above the rest. If you truly are Low Value, your continuous journey to be a better woman will remove your Low Value status, and help you achieve a high value guy, even if it takes time and energy.

An Alpha Widow has an unhealthy preoccupation with the past. This is not a badge of honor. It’s something that needs to be fixed, hopefully with therapy. A woman who is so consumed with judging present potential romantic partners and comparing them to the distorted reality of her selective memories is critical, judgmental, unattractive, and cold.

The Thoughts and Labels that we apply to ourselves MATTER. Even ruminating on thoughts, “I wonder if I’m an alpha widow...” is planting seeds into your subconscious about how much power or control you have over a situation. We are social creatures, and it’s okay to grieve a previous relationship without self-diagnosing yourself with a mental disorder.

I don’t mean for this post to be mean-spirited, or bully anyone. I just keep reading so many posts that start off with, “Blah blah blah, and that’s when I got Alpha Widowed” I just don’t think it’s healthy.

End rant.

2020-04-01T18:53:09+00:00

This sounds like an easy question to address, but it's not.

In my experience there are 2 categories of people:

The ones who are constantly improving and learning new things
The ones who, at some point in time, usually upon graduating college, some even earlier, they decide that they know it all, and they just float through live ... well whichever way they do, part denial, part manipulating, manifesting sociopath/narcissist behaviors.

I belong to #1, I am always reading/studying/learning something new; and I believe that all help is self-help and all learning is self-learning; even when we have helps (teachers, professors etc..) I see them as "coaches" and I am responsible for the work and the change. I believe that's what made the difference when I was in therapy for Severe Chronic Depression. After a few false starts I realize that I was in charge, not my therapist. I shared that with her over a few sessions and we had some very interesting and useful exchanges. I told her that the failure of therapy would be on me, I would be accountable; while in case of success, she would get the kudos. But that's another story for another post.

If someone is an "alpha widow" they need to decide whether it's a problem or otherwise. Some people love to play the victim card, "victimhood chick", they thrive in drama even if it's for drama's sake.

Then, if they decide that it is a problem, if they fall in category #1 above they will get busy helping themselves and - eventually - they will figuring out something that world for them and solve the problem.

If they belong to #2 nothing will be ever good enough for them, no help/therapist/expert will be good enough for their problem and they (the help/therapist/expert) would be the ones failing.

boomcheese44 · 2020-04-01T21:57:43+00:00

Leagues dont exist. The intention of the man is far more important than you not being good enough, which is what is implied with Alpha widowed. Hot girls become AW for Gods sake.

12112019 · 2020-04-01T22:06:09+00:00

It is a zero sum game, not enough men that women deem worthy enough around, so a success of one woman will definitely mean a failure of another in a monogamous society.

Mrs_Drgree · 2020-04-01T14:58:36+00:00

[removed]

TheJim66 · 2020-04-01T15:06:11+00:00

If she can get to the level required to keep a guy like that, sure.

A much better solution would be to not get alpha widowed in the first place.

Cobra_x30 · 2020-04-01T15:58:37+00:00

I think Alpha Widows are much more common than we imagine, and also the effect of this phenomenon is less direct.

For example, I believe the vast majority of women who constantly monkey branch... are at the core Alpha Widows.

AhornEiche · 2020-04-02T07:28:07+00:00

I think you are thinking in the right direction but modern, especially western women, don't know how to improve in a manner that inspires men for commitment. You can improve your looks but what will make a man commit is a combination of his will and your authentic potential of being a good mother and supportive partner.

It is not a secret. Men value loyalty, nurturing and such things. They do it in the same way women value authority without dominance, generousity and such things. If there is not substance to bond there will be no bond or at least no bond that leads to meaning and happiness.

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sadomasochrist · 2020-04-01T16:14:08+00:00

I think this is a good point. Get bolt ons to get over him.

Tyler_Gatsby · 2020-04-01T17:02:13+00:00

She'll just have to keep playing around until she can find another guy who can do what he did, and maybe better. Pretty sure that's what a lot of women do anyway, who had that, "problem."

SpartasBest · 2020-04-01T17:13:10+00:00

What’s an alpha Widow?

Pastelitomaracucho · 2020-04-01T17:34:55+00:00

Not being a self-inflated totem of vanity helps.

Swimming-Syllabub · 2020-04-01T19:09:36+00:00

Alpha widowed is damaged beyond repair. Always reminiscing about your alpha and no one can fix you except your alpha but him coming coming back to your pathetic self would make him a beta who could not get anyone on his level. Too bad... you should have read TRP when you were younger.

BruhMoment45886 · 2020-04-01T19:16:57+00:00

Well first of all in general while everyone can improve themselves, theres a ceiling to how high you actually increase your value. You can lose weight, have nice skin and a nice haircut, but you cant change your bone structure and overall body proportions.

Unfortunately for women, most of their value is looks. Looks gradually fade with age and while getting a nice haircut and losing weight definitely helps, it's more to reduce the amount of damage not prevent it or reverse it. It's like playing catch up.

Theres also the mental barrier youd have to get over. If she gets Oneitits for her ex Alpha he will always be put on a pedestal in her head. She might meet a guy with realistically the same smv but will be perceived as lower just from the oneitits effect.

HollowLegMonk · 2020-04-01T19:31:19+00:00

I think anyone always has the ability to improve themselves at any given time. But the vast majority of people simply don’t do it because they don’t think or realize they are the ones who need to improve and think it’s the other person.

I feel like it is similar to the people who say,”just be yourself”. It’s like yes, sure you want to be yourself and not pretend to be something your not, but life is a never ending learning experience. We all should want to improve ourselves whether that is being better at dating and relationships or your career, or passion projects etc. I don’t want to be myself, I want to be the best version of myself I can be at any given moment. Why be complacent and satisfied with who you currently are? Learn, improve, and become a master. Or, you can just be yourself for the rest of your life and settle for mediocrity.

PollaTronante · 2020-04-01T20:28:19+00:00

Yeah no, alpha-widowing isn't actually a real thing.

Silas1067 · 2020-04-01T23:19:28+00:00

Well the Alpha-Widow thing is the exception to the rule and not the rule itself. This idea that most average women are ending up with dudes that look like Jude Law, went to Oxford, drive fancy cars, and have 9 inch dicks is just stupid.

But yes, one way to improve your dating life is through self-improvement and getting with someone in a higher league than yourself.

The Alpha-Widow thing is more about women thinking they are entitled to men way out of their league than anything else.

richlad · 2020-04-02T07:18:42+00:00

There is no woman on earth who will not benefit from lip injections and breast implants or wearing hair extensions.

Leon_the_loathed · 2020-04-02T15:40:44+00:00

Why in the fuck was I recommended a god awful red pill offshoot sub when I’ve spent my time since the birth of you losers making fun of your idiocy.

Innovative_being · 2020-04-01T16:08:59+00:00

A woman’s value is in her youth, looks and fertility. They don’t “improve” the way men can. Unless they were overweight and later lost weight, their value is pretty static, and depreciates as they age

softhandsam · 2020-04-01T16:35:01+00:00

In an ideal world, sure.

The older a woman gets this is less possible though.

And you're not accounting for the fact that even if you improve you will age out of that improvement.

Meaning, if you can somehow up your game artificially so much you can attract the highest value mate, then you are likely dooming yourself to just being left later.

Assuming he's a natural 9 and your a 7 who does make up tutorials diets, gets therapy, develops a fun personality to get to being a 9 yourself, when your looks start to fade you'll be suddenly less than a 7.

Now this 9 you have locked down is with a 6 or even a 5.

I don't think that will work out.

Unless you get plastic surgery.

Title	Is self-improvement the solution to getting alpha widowed?
Author	Miscelane
Upvotes	48
Comments	137
Date	April 1, 2020 2:53 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ft183l/is_selfimprovement_the_solution_to_getting_alpha/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-self-improvement-the-solution-to-getting-alpha.358642 https://theredarchive.com/post/358642

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