I love seeing comments on here about how "love languages" are bullshit

BjorknBeans · 2020-05-12T17:43:28+00:00

Lol in datingoverthirty I see guys saying they need a woman to be sexual with them right away because "physical touch is my love language". But try that line with gifts and watch their head explode.

BasieSkanks · 2020-05-12T17:09:04+00:00

I somewhat believe in the love languages to an extent. I dont really voice affection (e.g tell people I love them), but I show it through acts of service. However, if I was to get into a serious relationship or if the situation calls for it, I would express verbal affirmations, because it takes no extra effort on my part. I think the love languages can be a useful insight into how someone primarily expresses their love for others. However, Reddit uses this to manage down women’s expectations. If a woman is upset about her husband/partner not buying her a gift, Reddit are often quick to use love languages as a way to manipulate her into sidelining her feelings. And that is not okay. Being aware of your partners wants and needs, likes and dislikes and desires should be the bare minimum.

radical__daphne · 2020-05-12T16:32:25+00:00

I remember feeling the same way, like I had to pick one. It's ridiculous. And then there's men, always saying that physical touch is their love language. 🤮 That must be why they're so bad at it, selfish and short change foreplay for 2 minutes of lackluster PIV.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-05-12T17:37:42+00:00

My love language is being treated like an actual person. Shockingly hard to find lol

dormant_egg · 2020-05-12T17:18:30+00:00

I did the test with my man, and to almost every “this or that” he said “those are both bare minimum expectations”. E.g., “do you feel more appreciated when your partner says they’re proud of you, or when you hold hands”. ???

siddmartha · 2020-05-12T17:39:29+00:00

I think a lot of people just do the quiz without the context of the whole book. Taking the quiz alone without context won't help in understanding yourself. All the love languages are important equally but you may prefer one thing a little bit more than another.

When I took the quiz my top two had the same score, the middle two had around the same sore and the last one was like a 1 being gift. It doesn't mean that I do not like giving or receiving gifts - it just means it's not the most important thing to me.

And about men saying their love language is physical touch..I just roll my eyes because with the context of the book it does not automatically mean sexual touch.

throwahweigh3521 · 2020-05-12T17:41:15+00:00

There’s an industry of made up ideas to explain away issues in relationships. There’s a huge market and appetite for simple but “insightful” ideas and methods especially if they seem “spiritual”.

The book was published nearly 30 years ago and it’s become a pop culture fact. Many relationship “experts” throw the 5 languages like it was as true as water is wet.

Having exposed myself to waaaay too much relationship advice and taken the quiz it sure seemed like rationalizing non negotiable demands as applied love.

The whole thing made me feel like here was another thing to do. One more aspect of fail to consider. Especially since all the men I was meeting were copes and settling.

What I despise about love languages is this is just another idea that hides what really happens in heteronormative relationships. And now it’s another man weapon to extract sex.

2020-05-12T22:11:43+00:00

I once saw a tweet that said something like “my boyfriend doesn’t tell me he loves me because words of affirmation aren’t his love language and it used to upset me (well duh 🙄). But physical touch is his love language (surprise, surprise) so now he squeezes my hand three time or hugs me and kisses me three times and now I feel loved again. He’s the best I don’t deserve him etc.”

All the replies were like “this is so cute! 😭We shouldn’t expect men to tell us they love us if it’s not their love languageeee” and telling anecdotal stories about their stone cold bf and how they came to accept his lack of effort.

Like excuse me is he a fucking baby? Can he not speak? No, he’s not incapable of saying I love you, he just doesn’t want to. Saying “it’s just not his love language” is total bs. I’m not settling for a man who doesn’t fucking tell me he loves me and no woman ever should.

I feel like most of these women are hurting inside but they’re trying to pretend it’s ok. Even if they think it’s ok now I’m willing to bet that this behaviour will end up hurting them.

sexxxybae · 2020-05-12T18:44:52+00:00

hmmm yea or acts of service. I didn't wanna be judgy but doing things for someone is a nice gesture, but if it's running all your man's errands, or doing everything for him, I mean is that really a love language or is it being taken advantage of and laziness?

coolestgirlyoueverme · 2020-05-12T19:49:24+00:00

It said my love language is physical touch, but I never tell guys this because they think it means I'm just for sex.

kikivegan · 2020-05-12T23:00:06+00:00

I lost respect for that book after the author suggested a wife have sex at least once a day with her husband, whether she wanted to or not, for like a couple weeks in order to repair their relationship. He said that she should have sex with him and then watch and wait and notice her husband's improvement bc of the dutiful sex. It was like a joke lol

goddess-of-compost · 2020-05-12T20:12:27+00:00

Wow, those are some prime examples of bullshit. It’s gross to see this concept being distorted like that.

I think there’s some value in love languages, it absolutely comes down to how it’s interpreted and framed.

Like, if my love language is different than his, the test would be him making a concerted and consistent effort to express love in ways that reflected MY love language. This is probably the most important take-away from the whole concept.

And, just because I might rank “acts of service” low on my list of preferences, I sure as hell am going to be evaluating men based on their willingness and initiative to do things that are inconvenient for him, yet show him to be very caring and upstanding.

I think my love languages all come down to emotional safety and trust; which means that all of the love languages, even ones that don’t register for me, absolutely contribute to creating that trust which is required for me to be with a man.

Even things which aren’t in our preferred love language should be sending the message that he gives a real shit about our wellbeing, and that he has our back and isn’t just a fairweather boyfriend who’s only into us for **hispleasure. Behind any gesture, even if they’re not in our native love language, should be a clear message of thoughtfulness.**

Him randomly deciding to deep clean my kitchen after sex, completely unasked, does NOT fill my tank of connection, as would gestures expressed in my preferred love language. And yet, the consideration behind this was hard to miss! There have been other acts of love I could have missed, if not for realizing love can be expressed beyond the ways I’m tuned into. So long as we’re simply expanding our capacity to appreciate devotion and consideration which is unquestionably there, the concept of love languages can be helpful. If we or anyone is using this concept to invent consideration and care that does not exist, then that’s BS.

DazzlingMolasses7 · 2020-05-13T01:14:31+00:00

Large amounts of cash is my love language.

gcsubthrow · 2020-05-12T20:45:15+00:00

The love languages nonsense was founded by a whack job christian. Give it no heed. Everyone needs a little bit of each one in order for a relationship to work.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-05-12T23:17:35+00:00

I take the love language thing as seriously as online quizzes like, "Which Lord of the Rings Character Are You?"

ny-lady · 2020-05-13T01:11:18+00:00

I dont thinks its BS. Im totally an acts of service.

I also think many will have a mix, its more so one dominates. Like attachment.

Sure, I love a good gift but wax my car instead. Gifts are appreciated but waxing my car wets my whistle over gifts. We are all different.

Surely some men will try to manipulate it.

quaintlyspoken · 2020-05-12T23:34:51+00:00

I need and want the whole package so no man is tossing me some placate-flakes and calling it their love language. 🙄 If he doesn't have it all he's got no business with me.

shakethat_milkshake · 2020-05-13T04:54:54+00:00

I listened to a podcast on love languages once and it explained that the guy who came up with the idea (just one guy - most modern ideas in science are by several collaborators), named Gary Chapman, has ridden that one trick pony since the early 90 and is also a Baptist minister.

Imo this limits the scope of the relationship psychology he’s able to interpret, research, or is willing to read about because Baptists don’t even think dancing is ok. This is speculation on my part, ofc. With that said, I feel like he never intended for the physical touch love language to equate to sex haha.

I think it’s a nice “starter” idea about how individuals have different ways of communicating love/affection but it’s often discussed as the end-all be-all and divides people into camps: you are a physical touch person, you are a words of affirmation person, as if people are one-dimensional. It’s total BS pop psychology.

Aspiring_2_fatfire · 2020-05-14T15:18:02+00:00

I definitely have a love language. Physical touch is not my thing. I do not want to cuddle for hours or hold hands. Complements are nice but not necessary. I don't like giving or receiving gifts, if I want something I buy it for myself.

Acts of service are love to me. If I cook you dinner love, if you bring me coffee in bed love.

Title	I love seeing comments on here about how "love languages" are bullshit
Author	Agreeable_Prune
Upvotes	215
Comments	50
Date	May 12, 2020 3:21 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gid7nq/i_love_seeing_comments_on_here_about_how_love/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-love-seeing-comments-on-here-about-how-love.676340 https://theredarchive.com/post/676340

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