The Catch-22 when trying new sexual things with men you’re dating.

H_Mercury · 2020-01-09T14:28:11+00:00

“you have to say yes or the man feels betrayed and unloved...”

It’s not betrayed and unloved he feels, it’s just a knock to his ego.

When I was younger, an ex kidnapped and raped me in a brutal way, forcing a sex act on me that was repugnant. Years later when being nagged for it, I’d always remind the new guy I don’t want that because of what previously happened. He finally had a little toddler tantrum, stomped his feet and screamed, “Well you gave it to him but you’re not willing to give it to me!”

“Gave it” to him. This guy described a vicious life threatening rape as “gave it to him.” That right there told me how little empathy he had for women, and for me. Please trust me, it wasn’t betrayed and unloved he was feeling when he screamed that at me, it was jealousy.

blackopium777 · 2020-01-09T14:57:04+00:00

My ex wanted to try anal with me. I was curious, but I somehow thought that it's something to do when you're married and 100% sure he is "the one". Later, he tried to rape me anally. He was so obsessed with "being the first" in any way, that he went crazy about it everytime I declined. I am happy that I never gave in. My husband asked me what I would like to do/try sexually after a year of being in a relationship. When I asked him he simply said "I honestly love the normal, vanilla sex we have. I don't need anything more than that!" That's when I knew, that he was safe to be around and try things out. We didn't go crazy, but he is extremely careful and things like choking and slapping is a no-go for him.

We have to finally acknowledge, that we are the ones who make the rules. If we don't want something sexually, we don't HAVE to do it. If a man doesn't understand, it's not our fucking problem at all!! A good man will be fine with normal sex as long as it also makes YOU happy. A normal HVM will never pressure you into something or even ask twice.

azngirl7689 · 2020-01-09T13:34:10+00:00

This is why we don’t talk about things we’ve tried to men unless you tried and loved it. Just say you’re not interested.

nebulaedust · 2020-01-09T17:51:03+00:00

Men who want anal are gross. They have a nice, juicy pussy to play with, the fuck they want from the anus? You wanna try it in the butt? Ok, next time I'm bringing my Big Ben strap-on.

EmergencyShit · 2020-01-09T15:29:32+00:00

Even if you've never done it before feel confident in saying NO and realize you never have to do anything you dont want to. I have never and will never do anal. In my years of having sex not once has a penis "accidentally" went into the wrong hole. I give the side eye to anyone who says that their bf accidentally slips in every once in awhile but doesn't notice. It's a deliberate act.

If they ask after you've said no once then dump them. They dont respect you or your body.

alanonhelp777 · 2020-01-09T13:46:39+00:00

It is 100% a Catch 22. If you are open to any kink and you disclose that, somehow you must be a slut or open to ALL kink or you’re just looking for sex. But if you’re into any kink and you don’t discuss that upfront, you’re setting yourself up for an unhappy relationship because you’re not going to be sexually compatible with someone whose sexually preferences don’t align with yours.

Why can’t women say: “I like sex. I like XYZ kinds of sex,” without men then making negative assumptions about the women? Or without men shaming them for having tried something with a previous partner?

Why do they all want this mystical virgin who is somehow also GREAT in bed, super comfortable with her sexuality, financially independent, yet totally submissive and permissive? I just want to tell them:

Go fuck a unicorn, because that’s what you’re looking for, assholes.

Misandryte · 2020-01-09T17:45:41+00:00

When faced with a hard no, the guy would sulk. Apparently me having tried with a previous ex and not him, made him feel insignificant.

I must point out that men only feel this way when the "sex act" they are denied is degrading to YOU.

e.g., I have pegged several exes. I initiate it and enjoy the intimacy. No man has ever wanted me to peg him just because I did so with an ex.

Parking-Act · 2020-01-09T13:23:11+00:00

Even if you didn't have the experience, why does he have to know that?

I have done some humiliating sex acts too and I would never do any of it again, even the things I didnt do/try I would never do and if he isnt respectful of it then NEXT!

I agree, the logic is gross and disgusting and the result of pornsickness/porn. It enrages me!

TheOGJammies · 2020-01-09T18:47:29+00:00

This is why you don’t disclose your sexual history to men EVER. There is no right answer to them, only wrong ones.

classylassy28 · 2020-01-09T17:38:24+00:00

It like some men can't comprehend that yes...we try certain sexual things (especially when younger) and learn what we like and don't like.

They rage/cry when they find out (if they do) about how you had anal sex before but will not with them. It's pathetic.

Like duh, you tried mashed steamed broccoli and hated it before....not gunna feed you it just because I want it. That's what respect and growing up is about.

bimbobunnyintraining · 2020-01-09T13:13:56+00:00

You could say:

"Fuck No"
"No, and if you ask again it's over"
"No and I'm not ever interested in trying"
"Ive never tried sticking pins in my eyes but I know I wouldn't enjoy that either."
"What gives you the right to ask me something so stupid/ disgusting?"
"You barely know how to fuck me regularly, why the hell would I try that with you?"
"I didn't know you were gay?"

Your expression should be one of indignation and disgust. Not shame, not embarrassment, not hurt. He should feel that if he asks again he's going to be single again.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-01-09T12:59:38+00:00

This is definitely a real thing. I suppose it's worse with younger people because I haven't experienced it much. I've never felt bad for saying no and I have barely been asked.

I'm just going to tell them I don't date people who are into that stuff, so clearly we aren't a match. Good luck to ya. And start heading for the door. They'll change their tune real fucking quick. Whether I still want to give them a chance would be up in the air.

sososonia · 2020-01-09T20:07:01+00:00

I asked him if i could put on a strap on and fuck him in the ass. He didn’t sulk

Nicolo_Ultra · 2020-01-09T16:19:50+00:00

I see this so often because the only real way men gain validation is through sex. That's it. So when you've done something with another partner and not them they think automatically "I'm not as good as them, she doesn't love me as much as them." It's so FUCKED.

I'm into some pretty male-degrading things (with their consent of course) and have done them with a lot of partners. My boyfriend let me indulge myself when I asked but turns out he didn't like it; so I've never asked since. Do I resent him for this? No. I can get my rocks off in other ways. There is mutual respect between us that I've never experienced before in my life that I didn't realize to cherish until I had it.

porraSV · 2020-01-09T16:54:15+00:00

This awful. There is plenty of thing that you just know that is not your cup of tea and, if you don't wanna to try then you should not. If you willingly wanted to try and then it happens that you didn't like it then you might just not feel like ever try again and, that is ok.

EDIT: Why on earth I'm as pickmeisha?

snail-post · 2020-01-09T20:17:28+00:00

If they don't accept that you have different opinions and preferences, then they are not worth it. It's called respectless. Totally not worth it.

ny-lady · 2020-01-10T01:02:15+00:00

Back in my younger years this was not a thing, guys seem obsessed with anal sex today.

I tried it with a long term partner, Im not into it. We were together for five years. He never pressured me for it ever nor was obsessed with it nor butt hurt I wasn't into it, it was something we tried. Our sex life was just fine without it!!

GrassStartersSuck · 2020-01-10T02:00:22+00:00

This reminds me of a post on here a few weeks ago - about the woman’s fiancé almost leaving her because he found out she had anal sex with someone else years before they met but wouldn’t do it with him

Sewud · 2020-01-09T14:03:55+00:00

Male depravity.

Haltthemoon · 2020-01-12T17:20:17+00:00

This guy once tried very hard to get me to have threesomes with him and girls he already knew. I played along as if I'd consider it. Then, I told him no. He got very mad and pouted like a little bitch, so I told him I'd think about it again. Then, I decided to have a little fun. I convinced him to agree to attend a sex party in LA. These sex parties are very expensive. The one I wanted to go to was $5000 per entrance. You also have to send your photos to them to get approval. I told him if he wanted me to have a threesome, it'd have to be completely on my terms which meant he'd have to shell out $5000 (women don't have to pay) and submit photos of us. In all honesty, I wasn't going to do it. I just wanted to see how far he'd let me push it. Unsurprisingly, he chickened out. He said how he didn't want to have pay for it even though that money is chump change for him. He said he wanted it to be 'authentic'. I laughed at him and left. Then, I went and found my own threesome.

rugdg13 · 2020-01-10T15:26:53+00:00

I think its normal to be disappointed that things didn't work out. A little sulking is permissible. (Lord knows I whine at my man a bit too). But then you need to straighten your shit out, be an adult and try new things within your partner's boundaries. We use green yellow red system and it works well.

Basically, a sprinkle of sulking disappointment is natural, but full on tantrums and demanding is for children. And having sex with children is frowned upon in most places.

Title	The Catch-22 when trying new sexual things with men you’re dating.
Author	Dryad_Tea
Upvotes	337
Comments	49
Date	January 9, 2020 12:42 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/em947b/the_catch22_when_trying_new_sexual_things_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/the-catch-22-when-trying-new-sexual-things-with.685203 https://theredarchive.com/post/685203

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