[Discussion] What are your deal breakers, and why?

StillAwakeofCourse · 2020-02-07T20:37:25+00:00

No close/long-term friends. This is usually because nobody likes them.

yeorre · 2020-02-07T20:21:05+00:00

[deleted]

heavenlycaterpiller · 2020-02-07T21:33:33+00:00

narcissists who lack empathy
no physical attraction/chemistry
stingy
not extremely into me/noncommittal
pushy/manipulative
racist/sexist
lack of mutual interests

delicateearthbabe · 2020-02-07T20:40:55+00:00

No good hygiene, no personal style, no hobbies, doesn't cook, doesn't make phone calls. Just off the top my head, there's probably more.

doinReddit · 2020-02-07T23:30:04+00:00

[deleted]

turquoiseblues · 2020-02-08T00:24:55+00:00

Sexual entitlement and inappropriateness is the biggest.

HighLife0001 · 2020-02-07T23:34:27+00:00

If he’s not kind to me. That’s one of the most important criteria I evaluate all potential partners. Without kindness there’s not much hope for long term reliability

PunnyPrinter · 2020-02-08T00:50:15+00:00

Besides the usual stuff like no racists or misogynists, hygiene must be impeccable. A clean body and a clean home. I don’t tolerate clothes on the floor or dishes in the bed. He must show good character, treating strangers cordially, and staff with respect.

I don’t tolerate angry outbursts, being cursed at or told STFU, I do not do that to anyone I date and won’t accept it ever. No saying mean things in anger then apologizing after the fact, he’ll be speaking to a block tone.

Lastly, no cheap men ever. He can spend less on himself if he pleases, but he won’t cut corners with me. I don’t do Dutch or 50/50 rent and bills ever.

TinkerInTheDark · 2020-02-08T02:09:56+00:00

My deal brakers: •anal (so many reasons, but no) •poor hygiene (I just can't live with/near/ bang that mess) •lies (I may not like the truth but I will not be lied to) •lack of communication (If a partner won't talk/work through a problem with me where can that relationship really go?) •double standards (Who tf is he to judge me? Straighten yourself out first then you can tell me how to live)

ghygdryhchmmmmjj · 2020-02-07T21:18:14+00:00

Isnt into fitness. Wants lots of kids. Wants lots of pets and farms and stuff. Wants to live in the country. Does not like having a social life. Dose not like going to concerts. Does not like going out to eat. I used to make my OLD profiles super geared to weed out all theese things. Like me at a rave wearing black lipstick. Me running a 5k. Me doing things in cities. Me doing yoga. But The only men interested in something serious just flat out didnt like any of the things I did. Wanted a family and the suburbs and nice humble things I think are great but dont want. The men who like going out being social, and "liked my crazy style" only saw as a possible Fwb. The men who had the most in common with me wanted to least to do with me. Those that blatantly wanted the opposite things I did in life were looking for a wife.

N2Gen · 2020-02-07T23:29:18+00:00

—Alt-right and fascy adjacent types- i.e. Stefan Molyneux fans, Jordan Peterson fans, white replacement horseshit fear mongerers, MAGAts, etc. I’m franken-left for lack of a better term, but couldn’t stand fucking SJWs when they did most of the crying and tone policing. I wouldn’t tolerate it from the other wing in a potential partner. Also these kinds of guys tend to have these beliefs about race “theory/realism” based on some shit mix of Bell Curve based conjecture and 19th century scientific racism that I can’t even. Nothing lovelier than the dude you’re dating thinking his green eyes make him superior to the black guy across the room or insisting there’s something wrong with the Jews just cuz 😒

—No woo-woos. Idc what variety; conspiracy theorists, new agers, anti-vaxxers (fml), etc. I need their feet firmly planted on the ground. There are no puppeteers orchestrating anything on this plane. I’ve aged out of asshole hardline atheism, but I’m fine with a sane religious person or any atheist who has better shit to do than win pointless debates a lá angry failson trying to boost his own ego.

—Probably evident from a recent post, but no poly types. Even if I were in the lifestyle, the constant virtue signaling a lot of people in the community do is so transparent you can almost see them sniffing the next fart up their own asses. It’s hard to believe anyone who talks so much shit about how virtuous they are about X isn’t just putting on a show for social brownie points or, in this case, special flake status.

—Lazy/down on their luck/can’t keep a job types. This always comes down to the man/person lacking both initiative and discipline + there always being a safety net for any variety of theIr fuck ups. Yeah, life is hard, we’re all going through shit. Manage it or ideally keep the issue from resurfacing altogether.

—Close minded types. I bore easily and like new experiences, foods, whatever, particularly thrilling ones. Ok, so he doesn’t have to sky dive with me, but it’d be great if he bought me the go-pro :)

blackopium777 · 2020-02-07T22:51:38+00:00

Having different views of how life should be in important aspects like finances, family, believes and relationships.

I absolutely dont tolerate porn, strip clubs and the like.

If he doesnt support my passions, I am also out. I will try my partners hobbies and try to support him in that, so I expect the same.

If he isnt accepting a "No" from me right away or pushy in general, I am not there for it. No means no when I say it, when I'm not 100% sure yet I will say something else like "Let me think about it".

I dont want a man who has close friendships to women. Yes, being nice to female colleagues or the female partners of your friends is obviously important, but close friendships? No thank you. I dont need that. I also dont have male friends so it wouldnt even be unfair.

Very hard opinions on other womens looks. I dont want to hear who he thinks is ugly or trashy. I dont care. Women are not on this world to please the male gaze and he has to accept and know that. I am always and will always be there for my sisters.

Since I know that some scrotes will try to contact me and tell me that I will not find someone like this: I am married to a man who doesnt cross my boundaries and fits me well. Cry somewhere else.

Aeshaunua · 2020-02-07T20:27:54+00:00

Not opening the for any woman he sees in our path. These types of men usually stop doing it for me after a while then get angry when I expect it.

He should respect women as a whole, not just me because he wants something from me.

timetofliptables · 2020-02-07T21:43:18+00:00

This is a tough one. There are the obvious ones like disrespect, bigotry, racism, sexism, etc. but other than that I’ve had a really hard time putting a line in the sand and I probably need to change that.

I’m more and more finding someone that identifies as atheist to be a deal breaker. They generally treat me like I’m an idiot at worst or naive at best for believing in God.

Having kids is a deal breaker for me at the moment because I probably want to move from my current city in a couple years. With that would be an unwillingness to one day move.

Any jealousy/neediness is a big no no, but those usually aren’t the type I end up with so it hasn’t been a problem mostly.

lil-pink-kitten · 2020-02-08T10:24:27+00:00

Mine is definitely having weird boundaries around money. Needing to split everything 50/50 even as a 25+ year old. You are attempting to court me - expect sex, love, affection, loyalty, trust, effort and kindness, but still have convinced yourself that not spending money on dinners or dates “weeds out the diggers!!!” I am your potential future wife and you can’t spend some money on me? Next

iasminag · 2020-02-08T12:29:13+00:00

Any slight interest in other women

Unsure about our relationship

Hates animals/children

Won’t put in effort for me

Etc.

tendervittles903 · 2020-02-08T03:17:23+00:00

Must live alone. This is a huge tell for me about how our financial situations align. I bought my house when I was 27. My area, while wealthy, has many affordable 1-2 bedroom apartments for about 700-900/month. I feel our financial situations are too different if you are unable to build savings while living alone.
Non-religious. I just don’t understand the concept of religion and can’t be with someone who does believe that.
No military. I can’t be with someone who makes a career of killing people
No hunting. See above, but with animals.
Similar diet. I am socially pescetarian (for ease of eating outside the home), but at home eat mostly vegan. If preparing meals together, it’s important for me to not have meat, and use vegan swaps most of the time. I don’t want to have extra ingredients in my house for someone else.

PunnyPrinter · 2020-02-07T22:45:53+00:00

Not getting along with my family. I would say I have a pretty good relationship with my family so getting along with them is a must. Too macho of an attitude. Hate stereotypical manly man attitude. A bunch of other obvious things that everyone should have as a dealbreaker like not being racist or sexist.

RiteWriter · 2020-02-08T09:52:55+00:00

Distancing/stonewalling — leave a little space for reasonable excuses. But wait no longer. Bail.

You have to let your person know they matter—those little special moments matter—and we should be doing those for our loved ones, too. HVM trait I’d definitely look for—if busy, does he still take 5 mins out of his day to do something earnest and special for someone?

jackrusselterror1 · 2020-02-08T05:45:16+00:00

Mainly

Cruelty.

This one's obvious. I want someone who is kind and courteous to everyone.

Can't cook.

I didn't come out of the womb with an apron attached wielding a copper spatula, with the knowledge and skill set I have today. I learned how to cook through trial and error, and I expect any man I date to be capable of making healthy meals for himself prior to me being in his life.

Irresponsible.

I don't find bad decision making endearing. I expect the men I date to keep their promises, to be accountable for their actions and own up to their choices, to avoid unnecessary risks, to learn from their mistakes, and endeavor to be better. I expect men to be full grown and make adult choices: stable full time job, puts away money in savings every paycheck, contributes to his retirement fund, knows where his money goes, budgets appropriately. I do the same, so I want someone who matches me.

Slobby.

I don't enjoy scrubbing up messes. I don't find trash appealing. I'm not a maid or a mom.

woiashenseea · 2020-02-09T01:07:17+00:00

Any contempt or insult, even "sarcastically." Someone who is attracted to me, as a human woman, wouldnt dare risk that. Someone who sees me as an object would crack jokes like that. INSTANT goodbye, got to use it a few times especially lately and it feels good to have respect for myself :) nope, no apology necessary, dont speak to me when you see me, bye

galian84 · 2020-02-09T16:40:18+00:00

-Hyper-religious (I don't mind religious men, but I've met too many who have used it against me, or used it when it was convenient for them)

-Emotionally unavailable

-Poor communication

-Broke

-Immature / Reckless / Peter Pan syndrome (unfortunately, because I like video games and motorcycles, I've attracted a few of these)

-Disrespect for animals/elderly/waitstaff

-Pushy and can't / won't take no for an answer

Justablackcat · 2020-02-07T21:11:01+00:00

So, obviously the main ones FDS advises and red flags for a toxic person are instant deal breakers for me. But I'll talk about some that are more personal and just have to do with compatibility. 1) must be a strict vegan, and must have been a strict vegan for at least 2 years. I'm vegan and so are my kids, and we're not changing that and getting groceries when everyone is on different diets can be a hassle/expensive. Plus, I want veganism consistently role modelled to my kids. How can I tell them we don't eat/use animal products or exploit animals in any way because that would be wrong and then live with someone who does but is somehow a good person even though they're doing something wrong? It just won't make sense and isn't consistent. I don't want them getting the impression that morals are something you compromise on, because that concept could get expanded well past veganism and become an issue. And I expect them to have been strict vegan for at least 2 years just so I can be pretty sure they're actually going to stick with it for the long haul and aren't a newbie that's going to decide it's not for them. 2) Must be a strict atheist. No paranormal stuff Like believing in ghosts either. No "I'm not religious I just have faith" types or agnostics who aren't 100% sure of their atheism. I'm heavily against religion and woo woo crap of all kinds and I find that if someone isn't on that same page they end up wanting to argue about it and talk about it. And honestly when people start going off about healing crystals or a higher power I lose a lot of respect for their intellect, and I want to respect my partner's intellect. Its also for role modelling reasons, I don't want someone trying to teach my kids this stuff. Mainly because people don't teach religion/spirituality/belief in the paranormal to kids properly, they don't present it as unproven philosophical theories or beliefs/opinions, they act like it's fact. Building a foundation in a child's mind to not think critically sets them up for all kinds of issues later. I want to raise children who aren't susceptible to hive mind thinking about anything, not just religion. 3) no dysfunctional families. Even if someone is wonderful, if they have a dysfunctional family that they associate with I won't deal with that. My family is dysfunctional and I'm estranged from all of them. I'm not going through the trouble of estranging myself from my dysfunctional family just to take on someone else's. If they're estranged from their family and have been for long enough that I'm sure they're going to stick with it, then it's not a deal breaker. 4) no kids. I already know I wouldn't be able to love another person's children the same way I love mine. Mine would always come first in any conflicts of interest. Mine would always take priority. That wouldn't be fair to do to a child and honestly, if I feel that way I'd never 100% sure they don't feel the same way about their own kids. If I take on a partner my children must be their priority even over me. I have to know that if it came down to saving me or my children they'd save my kids. I have to know they'll protect and prioritize them to the same extent I will. I can't be sure that someone with children of their own would put my kids at top priority even over their own if necessary, and that's not a fair position to put a parent in anyway. 5) no weaklings. I want a partner that if someone broke into the house we'd BOTH be on that shit, not someone who's going to hide with the kids and expect me to handle everything. Extreme example, but it basically means I don't want to be the one who is depended on to avert crisis all the time, I want someone who's equally capable of handling the shit life throws at people and who can solve problems with/without me. 6) it sounds mean but no extreme mental/physical health issues. Even if they are doing their best to get treatment. I don't want to end up a caregiver and some conditions are things people just can't deal with on their own and need a caregiver for, through no fault of their own. But I'm looking forward to my kids reaching adulthood so I can be a bit more free of responsibility to them and I don't want to be tied down to a partner at that time, in a caregiver role. I want them to be responsible for themselves and me to be responsible for me as much as possible. We can be responsible for our relationship together, stuff that is joint, but they shouldn't be responsible for issues that are mine and mine alone and vice versa. I've been a caregiver in some capacity to someone for all of my life starting when my little brother was born when I was 7, I want to be able to stop at least for awhile after my children are grown. 7) I won't do a legal marriage ever and they have to be ok with that. We can totally do a normal engagement and a wedding ceremony, but legally we will never be married. 8) I'm pretty sure I'm asexual with no desire to compromise or open the relationship up so they have to be ok with that too, which means they likely have to be ace themselves.

Edit; it is hilarious to me that in FDS, which encourages standards and no settling, my comment is bringing out all the pick mes who apparently actually think compromise is the name of the game.

ldid · 2020-02-08T18:05:02+00:00

Has to live alone, but has a lot of close guy friends.

Not a job jumper.

Doesn't want kids. Doesn't have kids.

No military.

No rig workers who work out of town.

No people who think Howard stern is a God.

No gamers. I want to go outside and do things.

Title	[Discussion] What are your deal breakers, and why?
Author	honestgoing
Upvotes	28
Comments	69
Date	February 7, 2020 7:04 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f0f43d/discussion_what_are_your_deal_breakers_and_why/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/discussion-what-are-your-deal-breakers-and-why.694012 https://theredarchive.com/post/694012

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