Tell me about the time you were the “dream girl”

myousername · 2021-04-06T21:28:09+00:00

I am wary of the concept of a "dream girl"

I hear it all the time from motorcycle dudebros. A lot of male riders seem to have this manic pixie biker dreamgirl fantasy, but since there are way fewer female riders, they swarm around any reasonably attractive/feminine looking woman who likes bikes.

Anyways. These men usually come on way too strong with intense lovebombing. Some of them play it cool and will wait months or even years before making their move. Either way, when they finally do end up "confessing their love" it's always the same routine:

"I've been searching all my life for a woman like you... we have so much in common... I would never treat you badly like some of these other guys... this time is different, I'm not like that, you're my DrEaM gOrL..." blah blah blah basically waxing poetic about how, despite my misgivings, we're gonna ride off into the sunset together and have cute little dirtbike babies.

None of these men actually cared about me as an individual. They were still rude/negging to me and discouraged hobbies and interests of mine that were different than his or unrelated to motorcycling. I'm convinced that they were actually just narcissists projecting their own narcissistic love script. "Dreamgirl" isn't about who you are, it's about his own fantasy about what he considers the "perfect woman"

When you've heard the same speech from multiple dudes, the phrase "dreamgirl" doesn't seem so special. I know that a lot of women tend to idealize the concept of a "dreamgirl" and think to themselves that if only she was his dream girl, then he would treat her with respect and commit to her. In reality, it doesn't matter how amazing or special or rare you are: if the man in question is fundamentally low value, he's not going to treat you the way you deserve, at least not in the long run.

Meccha_me_2 · 2021-04-06T21:18:17+00:00

I definitely think being the dream girl can have negative connotations and I kind of want to hear about both in this thread.

There were times when I was clearly fetishized/put on a pedestal by men who were dating other women and I would say that being on the other side of that taught me a lot about what to avoid. I often found out that the signs that they were hung up on me (or an idea of me) were seeping through in the romantic relationships they had with other women, but most women looked past it as something that guys do.

For instance, they often wouldn’t put labels on things hoping they’d have a chance with me or someone else, they’d speak negatively about their partners behind their backs, they refused to be affectionate with them in public, they were hot and cold about everything, they cancelled on them last minute.

I later put two and two together and realized that a lot of guys I dated who did any of the above often had someone else they were trying to court. At the end of the day yes, those guys were low value so nothing was lost, but now I know not to accept it

starlight_sequence · 2021-04-07T00:19:56+00:00

[deleted]

witchingsauce · 2021-04-06T20:50:21+00:00

The elusive dream girl is elusive because she doesn’t exist. He’s either fetishizing your looks and/or romanticizing you (narcs put you on a pedestal to then discard and devalue) or treats all women he chooses to be in a relationship with amazingly.

carlther · 2021-04-06T21:37:23+00:00

Eesh, depends on who they are comparing you to! In so many adult relationships, dream girl = sex goddess. If the man has any exes that he likes to complain about, you will be their dream girl in the ways that you are different ("not like other girls"). We are humans, not puzzle pieces to fit exactly and snuggly into another person's life, and it is a fantasy to believe otherwise.

frustratedanon123 · 2021-04-07T01:42:45+00:00

Whenever a man tells me I'm his "dream girl" or the "perfect woman" I become wary immediately. Many men have said this, and none of them treated me like an actual human being. They felt lust for their perceived image of me and nothing more. Once it became apparent that I was a regular human being with flaws, interests, and needs beyond fulfilling whatever their weirdo fantasies were they treated me like dirt almost immediately.

GailaMonster · 2021-04-06T22:42:13+00:00

I recently had to go to the ER (food poisoning so bad I couldn't hold water and was getting dangerously dehydrated), and because I was throwing up the mask would have to come off periodically, and I was distraught due to the COVID risk of removing my mask a bunch.

He called the doc for me. he put me in the car and took me and, after checking me in, he put me BACK IN THE CAR and waited himself in the ER lobby on my behalf (for 3+ hours, under 2 masks and a face shield), so I would feel safe removing my mask to puke. When I was admitted he came with me and stayed by my side. when a doctor said they had maxed out allowed visitors and asked if he would give up his spot to a woman whose mother with dementia who only spoke Vietnamese just got admitted, he checked with me and then did in a heartbeat so the daughter could be with/translate for her mom.

He then went home and CLEANED. he bought ginger ale and made chicken stock and did laundry and waited and picked me up at 3:45 am and never once complained the whole time.

He waited until I felt 100% better to express any vulnerability, and only then shared how distressing it was to see me ill and feel unable to do more.

I felt fully loved and cherished. I don't know if that makes me a drearm girl but it was a GREEN FUCKIN FLAG.

Aocwannabe · 2021-04-06T22:05:48+00:00

Hmmmm. The positive thing about my last 2 exes is that I never felt “Is he going to treat the next woman better than me?” because they both treated me with respect (lots of flowers and romance) and they were both generous. So I actually like to think that that is just who they are with all women. Possibly naive but I need to cling to some remnant of hope 😂🤣😂

LevellingUpTime · 2021-04-07T03:54:04+00:00

With my first ex, he said I was literally his dream girl. Supposedly he had had a dream a few years prior where an "angel" visited him and said he was going to marry a woman named <my name> who was to be the love of his life.

My name is extremely common, like Sarah. But he aggressively pursued me, possibly in part because of the name if his story was even real, and he ended up becoming extremely possessive and abusive, fearful I would leave him for "someone better". He was getting more and more paranoid around other people, and would even call women "lesbians to avoid" if we were talking for too long

Last I heard, before blocking all contact, he was threatening suicide which is such a cliche

So now, if anyone considers me their "dreamgirl" or "my destiny" etc. I am very weary

bambina133 · 2021-04-06T22:53:41+00:00

I was my so called ex’s “dream girl” he was obsessed at having control over me. Couldn’t stand that anything besides him makes me happy. He was obsessed with everything I did to the point where he thought he was just so perfect. The way I dressed, my opinions, what makeup I wanted to wear he felt the need to judge. My experience being the dream girl was absolute torture.

yeahhh22 · 2021-04-07T04:59:29+00:00

If a guy considers you his dream girl he will consider you his dream girl as long as he doesn't have you. That's it.

starlight_sequence · 2021-04-07T00:51:55+00:00

He saw a picture of me tagged on FB with his coworker, my roommate. He decided I was "the one" and spent a year trying to finagle an introduction to me. We did finally meet, and after that point saw each other other week or so in a group setting. He eventually told me how he felt about me and asked me out to dinner. He planned and paid for thoughtful, romantic dates every weekend for three months before he asked me to be his girlfriend. He told me he wanted to marry me. Around the 1 year mark, we moved in together.

Anyway, we broke up.

jasmine-blossom · 2021-04-07T03:48:46+00:00

I was/am my ex’s “dream girl” and he was still abusive, put me on a pedestal, was possessive..etc. I’ve been the dream girl a few times and I never thought it was healthy. My current bf thinks I’m a dream, but he doesn’t idolize me or dehumanize me or anything, he just thinks I’m amazing, which is much healthier bc he’s admiring me without removing my humanity.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-04-07T00:25:55+00:00

I was blonde arm candy to a rich man. Never again.

fds_account58 · 2021-04-07T19:16:25+00:00

My abusive ex treated me like a dream girl at the beginning. Then he did devalue and discard. I felt so important and special because of how he prioritized me and flattered me. There is no high on earth as high as that high, but the price I paid wasn’t worth it. No thanks.

West-Cook · 2021-04-06T21:09:41+00:00

I feel like men who do those kind of thoughtful things for their dream girl but not everyone they date or care about... are not it, man.

My husband is great. He foots the bills on outings, buys random thoughtful gifts just because something reminded him of someone, makes time... not just for me, but also for his sister, his parents, his best friends, and even his kind-of-good friends.

I knew I was the one for him because he quit self-medicating his trauma with alcohol because of me, quit smoking cigarettes because of me, and did it all while staying away from dating me until he got his act together. And I hadn’t even asked it of him. Also the fact that he was staunchly not about dating and was voluntarily celibate when we met, and then he asked me out and chose to remain celibate for another couple months with me.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-04-06T22:56:03+00:00

Oh please like every guy I dated said I was his dream girl 🙄 Horse 💩

lifeinverde · 2021-04-07T13:28:54+00:00

Frankly, being somebody’s dream girl is just a situation ripe for abuse and control. I am a lesbian, but I was the dream girl for two of my exes. I am attractive in the traditional manner that society defines. A symmetrical face with traditionally feminine/delicate features. I have dark, dark hair, and very light eyes. I’m ambitious and at least academically intelligent (okay end of my brags). Both were incredibly transparent about how I am exactly what they wanted.

The first woman was really a wonderful woman, but my “perfection” in her eyes made her deeply, deeply insecure. It led to constant remarks to make me afraid of what dating is like, and about how lucky I was to have found her right off the bat so I didn’t have to deal with the insanity of lesbian dating. She never tried to devalue me, but just to create fear of the unknown (and since I was also struggling with my identity at this time, it was worse). She’s now happily married to a great woman and they’re both very good for one another and great partners to each other.

The second woman was... pretty awful. It was abusive and controlling. I was constantly accused of cheating. My every movement was stalked. She’s steal my phone to go through my online accounts to search for any sign of unhappiness. She was adamant I was out of her league, so she was going to bring me down to hers. I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup (even if I wanted to), or to see my family, or hang out with friends. Basically list out the things that come to mind with an abusive relationship, and this one hits them all.

I refuse to date someone who idolizes me in that fashion ever again. I will only date someone who is totally secure in their own value.

Hoarse_Girl · 2021-04-07T17:13:48+00:00

My experience is that they will do absolutely anything for you and give you absolutely anything, even things they can't really afford... except maybe chop off their actual penis and gift it to you, preserved in a wooden box.

Until, of course, they start to see you outside of their dreams. They don't want to see that it costs you money and time and effort to be pretty, and suddenly having their super hot dream girl won't stop them from bitching about how your beauty routine affects them. They don't want to experience your leg stubble if you didn't feel like shaving, and suddenly cuddling their sexy goddess isn't something they cherish every day. Every little thing that makes them realize you're a real human being chips away at the pedestal he put you on, and he will end up hating you for it.

disposable20201129 · 2021-04-06T21:09:36+00:00

He proposed in elementary school. Walked me to my locker in high school. Helped me study for Chem ostensibly to return the favor for my mom helping his dad find work. Made 2 attempts to convince me to go to prom with him. After college, dropped hints about wanting to try my cooking (he said it in a weird way that rubbed me the wrong way but I don't remember exactly what it was) or work together in a private practice (ahem family practice).

I got tired of him doing everything to position himself into a relationship with me short of ASKING ME OUT LIKE A GROWN ASS MAN. When a guy I just met asked me out, I texted him, "oh shit this guy who's been all up in my DMs since we met at this thing just asked me out." He said, "Say no!" I said, "actually I might, it's not like I have anything else going on," and he got all snippy.

Turns out my gut feeling (since the cooking comment) was right. My dad was still hoping for a son in law so after this had already happened, he snooped around for a character assessment and then came back to "warn" me that my old not-prom-date had a temper.

When one of our other classmates mentioned she ran into him and he said he was getting married, and he'd also mentioned that he'd asked our other friend to prom, I chuckled, "good luck to her," and spilled the tea.

Honestly, I'd like to believe that he just hit a low point because his pedestalization of me came crashing down around him and he kind of went down the Syndrome from The Incredibles for a moment before recovering and becoming a normal person, and that he'll find that he's much better off in a healthier relationship with someone he didn't spend years idealizing. But given the shadow of controlling tendencies I saw him, I don't think so.

LR_today · 2021-04-07T00:57:30+00:00

I'm a lot of mens dream girl. I'm attractive, smart (in all ways), a huge nerd, funny & witty. Am good at emotional & other labor, good sane family, no health issues or background of any health or mental illness.

Most men will call me perfect in every way... until the day they break up with me & marry someone else within 2 years.

I am perfectly fine on the highest pedestal. I'm that awesome. But somehow, I've only been used for over 2 decades by men who decide to be with someone else.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2021-04-07T02:49:44+00:00

When I didn't want to move in with him, he BOUGHT a house near where I lived and convinced me to move in with him.

He would tell me frequently I was the best thing that's ever happened to him, and he didn't know how he lived before he met me.

Another ex of mine bought me a new 2019 Tesla, and paid $170k towards one of my mortgages. This particular ex also helped me finance one of my businesses and raised $1.8m in capital so my business could thrive the first year.

I really miss him sometimes :(

Another ex has vacation properties throughout the US. I stay in his properties whenever I'm at one of the states he has a property in. We're still good friends and well, he's still got a soft spot for me

I have a "friend with benefits (FWB)" who I'm dating nonmonogamously, who's paying me about $8,000 - $10,000 per month as a stipend. He venmos me the money on the 26th of every month. I also have one of his credit cards, and use it whenever I want something.

I have another ex who paid off $700k in student loans from undergrad, grad, a failed med school stint, another grad program, and law school. He also pitched in and paid off an additional $600k in personal debt for me, leaving me nearly debt free, except for my business loans & mortgages. I got a double BA/BS, 2 master's degrees, a law degree, and 3 years of medical school out of that relationship paid for.

All of these men loved me fiercely. Some of these guys, I legitimately broke their heart because I didn't and never wanted monogamy with them. I was upfront about this. They agreed they could handle it, and well... they couldn't. I loved them too, in lots of ways... I just can't be with any one guy anymore. Not now.... Maybe in another 10 years.

Suspicious-Leg-1407 · 2021-04-07T03:12:11+00:00

Maybe once in high school. This guy, who had no spine to speak of, kept asking me what I "was doing for prom".

That was his spineless way of asking me out. Took me years to realize what that NV mama's boy was trying to say.

eveloe · 2021-04-08T20:43:26+00:00

I would say I was the dream girl, but with few exceptions, the men I dated treated everyone the way they treated me.

The biggest sign for me with my current was their family members saying how much happier they seemed. My spouse’s dad told his sister (hubby’s aunt) he liked how much time we spend laughing, and she repeated that when we went to visit her. She lives on a messy farmhouse, but got a cleaner to visit before I came to stay over. She is known as formidable but she was so gracious as a host that I thought they had been speaking about someone else.

His mother and I get on like a house on fire and she treats me like the daughter she never had (in a good way)

We have in depth conversations about our fears and they are never used during disagreements. Our arguments are calm.

He works better when I’m in the room (this is Covid life)

All his colleagues know of me by name and it’s obvious he talks about my accomplishments to people he knows.

He wanted to lock it down pretty soon after we met. He was not playing.

The way he’s treated my nephews since they moved to our country has been amazing. Learning about their learning development and sending appropriate gifts.

It’s really nice, honestly. Except for his snoring. That’s just annoying.

Title	Tell me about the time you were the “dream girl”
Author	Meccha_me_2
Upvotes	105
Comments	41
Date	April 6, 2021 5:47 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mlhd85/tell_me_about_the_time_you_were_the_dream_girl/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/tell-me-about-the-time-you-were-the-dream-girl.764602 https://theredarchive.com/post/764602

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