Do you recommend living with your boyfriend or fiancée before getting married ?

condemnthetradfem · 2021-08-01T12:49:34+00:00

I only moved in with my fiancée when there was a ring and a date. No regrets.

mandoa_sky · 2021-08-01T13:12:31+00:00

problems

a) you become a forever girlfriend

benefit

a) you get to find out if the guy is a slob / a failure at looking after himself before you get married - breaking up early is cheaper than a divorce

morganKxoxo · 2021-08-01T15:04:57+00:00

Boyfriend - absolutely not. Finance- possibly if the wedding is close

I lived at home and my fiancé’s lease was up 1 month before our wedding, so we got a new place together and lived together 1 month before we got married. Honestly it was perfect because we had the chance to physically move and get the house settled before the wedding, but we were only living together for about 20 days before so it was still brand new once we got married.It’s been great ever since. 6 years now. But my husband is very easy to live with

rosesonthefloor · 2021-08-01T13:51:58+00:00

I have lived with two boyfriends before, and the first time it went badly, the second time was okay. I, personally, wouldn’t live with a partner again until we’re engaged with a date set, because otherwise it’s a huge hassle to move lol.

My two best friends lived with their partners for years and one is married, one will be married very soon. Living with a partner doesn’t mean they’ll never propose!

ddouchecanoe · 2021-08-01T18:08:08+00:00

tl;dr: A healthy relationship is the biggest priority either way. Do what works best for you and your SO. Make the system work for you! Those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind.

I see marriage as a tool created to help couples protect each other more and to protect families. My partner (30M) and I (27F) have celebrated our 5th anniversary this month and have been living together quite some time. We are currently in a domestic partnership because we get more out of that than we would marriage at the moment. We found a kickass insurance loophole where we EACH get the family contribution ($7200) on a tax advantaged account vs splitting the family contribution between us. When we are ready to have kids and I stop working, marriage will become the most supportive tool for our relationship and we will probably prioritize signing a marriage license and then planning a wedding down the line in the most fiscally responsible way possible.

Marriage is not a finish line that you have to cross for your relationship to be perfect. I do not feel like I need to trap my partner into a life with me, I trust him to stand by my side. Marriage has become this status tool that it seems women feel the need to force out of the man they are with. If you hope to get married, then you should find someone who feels the same way. But you should also prioritize making sure that this is a person you could stand to be married to for the rest of your life. Hence why my partner and I decided to try living together first.

RP is very traditional, but the truth is that you and your SO having a happy, healthy relationship is what matters. Do you respect each other? Support each other? Listen? You have to be willing to give your whole self to your relationship. You certainly should maintain your own life with friends, hobbies, ect. But the essence of partnership is based on loyalty and trust. If you can find the strength in your relationship and create something that will be lifelong prior to marriage, then you will be that much more confident that your marriage will last.

My partner and I agreed that we did not feel like marriage was something that would help us yet, we decided to take the time to be together, allow our ability to rely on each other to help us accumulate more wealth by sharing expenses and be about helping each other grow towards are brighter future for us and our children. If you feel comfortable with your partner and want to live with them before you you feel ready to be married, then go for it. If you would rather wait and be married first, then that is okay too. Seeing your relationship as the priority over rushing to get married for the sake of the title is what is important. If the concern is becoming a "forever girlfriend" it may help to maintain an open dialogue about your expectations surrounding marriage, check in often and try to be realistic. My partner and I talk about marriage all the time, we agree that while we are excited to get married someday soonish, we are more excited about the financial advantages of our domestic partnership and our ability to save a lot of money by waiting to have a wedding until it feels less financially burdensome. We are each others benefactors on all accounts and both of our names are on everything. Rushing to get married would severely hinder our ability to save money, relax and enjoy our relationship for the beautiful (very young) thing that it is!

Make the system work for you! You have your entire life to be married.

PrincessaRusalka · 2021-08-01T13:08:32+00:00

Suzanne Venker rails against it. It just lowers the value of marriage.

WhistlingDead · 2021-08-01T16:56:40+00:00

We did, and I do not regret it.

Why? Because it was more practical for both of us. Cheaper rent, and we lived almost an hour away from each other so driving was starting to take its toll.

Although I had a good idea, it confirmed that he was husband material. I see no downside to it frankly.

sluttyplant · 2021-08-01T18:50:49+00:00

My husband and I lived together for about a year before getting engaged. He grew up in the UK where it’s normal to live together as an unmarried couple (he has a cousin who is buying a house with a boyfriend?!), so for him it was expected. It worked for us because he owned his apartment and we were able to bring in rental income and set ground rules for how our life would work together.

Whisper · 2021-08-02T17:19:56+00:00

Many answers recommend against it because you "will become a forever girlfriend". Anyone who writes that fundamentally doesn't understand men yet.

Being a wife is different than being a forever girlfriend to women. To men, it isn't. Withholding something to have a bargaining position makes sense to women. To men, it doesn't.

Men do not give so that they will receive, or in anticipation of receiving. That's Briffault's Law, and it doesn't describe male behaviour. Men are reciprocal. They give because they have received.

Men don't get married because they think or hope it will change something. They get married because they hope it will change nothing.

To be a wife, act like a wife.

Pycnostyle · 2021-08-01T18:46:21+00:00

My wife and I met in college and we lived together the summer before our senior years doing internships on the other side of the country. That way, there was a natural end date and no hurt feelings when we went back to living separately.

It was definitely a valuable experience, learning each other's habits and ironing out some of the kinks between how we each prefer to live and how we handle life's little crises. I'm sure we could have done that while married, but had we found that living together was just unworkable, I suppose that would have given us time and space to try to work it out, or know that it just wasn't meant to be.

No ragrets.

DunboyCastleInTheSky · 2021-08-01T19:55:29+00:00

I did and towards the end of the lease I was incredibly stressed out about when he was going to propose and if I’d end up as a forever girlfriend. I don’t recommend anyone go that route who has a timeline for a proposal.

Luckily he proposed at 1.5 off dating and set the day for a little less than 3 months afterwards. He also understood that I wasn’t willing to live with him for another year without a ring.

Somon20 · 2021-08-01T10:09:10+00:00

Some people would say not to. I personally think it’s important to see how well you adjust to each other and how you both feel living with each other. The important bit is to keep open and communicate when you don’t like something your partner does otherwise you will just gather resentment over time. Having a resonably defined set of responsibilities in place for both of you also helps(for example, I take care of house duties most of the time and he offers to help as well since we both work, and he takes care of dealing with the car, bills, fixing things in our home).

I would not marry someone I have not lived with because it would feel like I don’t really know them. Of course this is influenced by culture, religion and other factors.

golden_eyed_cat · 2021-08-01T13:48:36+00:00

I didn't cohabitate before marriage, and if your goal is lifelong commitment, I certainly wouldn’t recommend it. With that said, though, it's still important to vet your futute spouse prior to the wedding. Some ways to see if you'd be compatible living together are:

Observing his relationship with his roommates. Does he complain about all, one, or none of them? Are there any ongoing conflicts between them? Usually, there might be a chance of one roommate being problematic, but if your boyfriend talks negatively about all of them, chances are that he might be the bad apple.
Taking a look at the household he grew up in. Is it a clean, warm and welcoming place, with food on the table and without debt or household-related conflicts? Usually, we tend to stick to the habits we were brought up with, and model our parents behaviour.
Paying your boyfriend an unexpected visit. Usually, if we tell someone that we're coming over, they'll tidy up their apartment and order some food or cook it. If, however, we'll come over 10 minutes after saying that we'll do so, the flat is tidy and our host manages to whip up a meal from what he has in the refrigerator, that's a major green flag.
Observing his spending habits. Does he complain about not having enough money after spending 500$ on a video game currency two days earlier? Instead of looking at how much money he makes, in my opinion, it is important to take a look at how financially stable he is. Even if he might have a lower income, if he still manages to save some of it and never has to ask for money, odds are that in 10 years, he will be quite well-off.
Going on a trip with him. This is what me and my husband did every summer, along with a couple that we're friends with. During hiking or camping trips, unexpected events can easily occur, making it a great opportunity to observe how both of you manage issues and work as a team. You also live together during that time, allowing you to take a look at each others cleaning, budget, time management, sleeping (if you're sharing a room or bed, it can be much easier) and hygienic habits.

Dry_Neighborhood_487 · 2021-08-01T13:41:40+00:00

You have to determine what’s best in your situation because if your goal is marriage — you don’t wanna be living with a boyfriend 5+ years and never get the ring. I lived with my boyfriend and after 6 months we got married.

2021-08-01T16:15:42+00:00

I don’t recommend it for various reasons, including the devalue of marriage as someone else already mentioned, but my reasoning stems from my faith.

My husband and I didn’t move in together until after our honeymoon. Yes, it was a huge learning curve, and of course there were plenty of things we had to learn about each other when the move happened, but I truly believe that’s one of the most fun aspects of waiting to live together until you are married. My husband and I don’t regret waiting one bit ☺️

Jiatingzhufu · 2021-08-01T10:16:43+00:00

Personally I did.

We lived together about a year and a half before getting married and it was very beneficial. We were able to get used to each other’s behaviours and create a kind of routine that we’ve kept since then. Sure not everyone does, but it was good for us

LilCinnamonRoll_ · 2021-08-01T12:09:26+00:00

We didn’t live together but stayed overnights. I took it as an opportunity to showcase what type of wife I would be. I cooked and cleaned for him. I think this is the best method.

Maddymadeline1234 · 2021-08-01T11:09:05+00:00

I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea as you get to know each other habits prior to marriage. However it might be a deal breaker for marriage. I personally did not because I'm Chinese. It's frowned upon in our culture. However I have been with my husband 5 years prior to marriage so I know his personality. I know many people will say it's hard to change someone but my husband will for me. In the first few months when it came to housing habits, it was a bit difficult. Afterall he's a male and I am definitely cleaner and a bit more OCD when it comes to hygiene(my mum was a nurse so she is very strict on cleanliness). Anyway my husband changed his habits to meet my standards.

Since we both work we don't have a clear set of responsibilities. I know it sounds weird to a lot of people but having been together for so long(>10 years) and having a child. We do things around the house and settle bills as and when we see it. We respect each other enough not to leave mess behind for the other. And we know we are operating as one, not as individuals so we aren't nitpicky about who does what.

CountTheBees · 2021-08-02T01:52:17+00:00

Depends on what marriage means, what cohabitation means, and what sex means to you, and to him. Back in my Christian days I had a youth group leader who moved in with her boyfriend but both remained virgins until marriage.

That makes a lot more sense to me than the current trend of have sex - refuse cohabitation. It's ass backwards.

I know a friend of a friend whose son knocked up his gf of three months. She didn't want him getting married because he "doesn't know her well enough". Like HELLO it's too late.

The meaning of marriage has become so diluted that this silly question comes up. Why aren't you asking, do you recommend having sex with your boyfriend before marriage? It would be a lot more effective.

EviessVeralan · 2021-08-01T10:20:27+00:00

I would not recommend living with a boyfriend at all and i also wouldn't recommend living with a fiance unless there's a date set for the wedding.

MrsChiliad · 2021-08-01T11:28:46+00:00

I don’t. By living together you’re pretty much functioning as a married couple but without having publicly agreed to the responsibilities and commitments that it entails.

If you are someone who wants to get married, I wouldn’t recommend it.

_These-are-beans_ · 2021-08-01T14:57:11+00:00

Absolutely. Do it and find out if you can actually share a space. Some people are totally different until they live together and see how they run their home.

Takkune · 2021-08-01T20:22:25+00:00

I'm in favor of living together first. Like others have said it's one of the best ways to really get to know someone and their habits/lifestyle. I dated my now husband for a year before we moved in together, then we lived with a roommate for a year, then just the two of us for a year before getting married.

I'm seeing a lot of talk about the possibility of becoming a live in girlfriend and I say that's less likely if you're the one to purpose (which is what I did). I have no regrets and it's a fun piece of trivia for us as a couple.

f1018 · 2021-08-02T04:30:11+00:00

No I moved in my my boyfriend before becoming rp but I regret it now. I love him and we plan to marry but it has made it harder and is against gods will which is so hard for me since I have come back to the church in the last year. Don’t do it! Wait for the ring

yourbadformylungs · 2021-08-06T15:00:48+00:00

Yes, yes and yes. Reason being you want to be able to get to know them and understand them before you get married. You want to get past that honeymoon phase before you decide to tie the knot.

I think people that marry before living together are making a huge mistake on their part. You learn a lot living with someone. Wouldn’t you want to feel confident that you know you really want to live with your partner before you decide to spend the rest of your lives together?

I want long term success for my relationship, no divorce with a healthy family. I do not intend to make the wrong decision.

I would not recommend completely tying yourselves together financially until your married. There is no legal separation process that I know of for couples that are not married so if you did separate and have everything tied together, if your partner turns out to be more sour than you thought, you could end up with a really rough separation and loose out financially.

What I do recommend is to somewhat play into your roles as you would when your married but continue to keep the majority of your incomes consistent and separated until your married. You could possibly, on your days off or when you have the time, play more of a housewife role (cook for him maybe clean) or play out how the two of you may intend to play out a relationship when you are married and see how it goes.

Idk how you two intend split rent and what not but for my bf and I, he doesn’t ask me for rent; this is a trail run for a relationship, not to collect income from me or I from him. I work for him in return for making up for most the income, I do most the cooking and cleaning around the house and also buy food. I also work part time and go to school. I do intend to be a house wife stay at home mom and playing out this dynamic together has really taught us to communicate and iron out certain kinks and concerns we may have about each others roles and what not.

At the end of the day, the two of you figure out your dynamic, and practice as much as you can getting into the head space and acting out what it may be like being married to this person. Talk about serious goals and work out kinks and issues the two of you may have.

I also wouldn’t recommend spending too much time continuing to live together if they deem unfit for you. Just like in any relationship, don’t date anybody for too long you’re not serious about and that goes for living with someone i na relationship too. Have a time limit and a time frame, also don’t just move in or have a relationship with just anybody. Make sure you are very confident this will work out before moving in with them, but not so confident that you are unable to admit to yourself its not working out and postpone making adjustments hoping for change.

It can be harder to leave when you don’t have income, so I would continue to keep your options open so if you want to leave you can. Also by all means, use protection when having sex, don’t assume one time without protect won’t bite you in the ass. I wouldn’t ever recommend having a child outside of wedlock or at least being completely sure you want to commit to this person. Also you don’t have to use pill form birth control you can use condoms which are way healthier for your body imo.

Winter-Ice-melts · 2021-08-01T13:13:46+00:00

Personal experience, get married first, because i did the i want to live with him first and make sure we are compatible blah blah, nearly ten years later, one proposal that was retracted, me leaving him and coming back, a business, two properties, were legally as good as married but because i gave him all that without him having to make an actual commitment of marriage, i got the marriage without the engagement, time to make my friends jealous about how happy i was, the wedding day to look beautiful and celebrate our love and now covid and if we ever get married, i wont probably get to have a wedding the way i always dreamt it to be anyway, or if you don’t want to get married first get to know him and have separate places

OursIs-TheFury · 2021-08-02T06:22:31+00:00

Ideally for me I would like to move in with my girlfriend after I propose because I personally don’t believe in playing house.

Deedee554 · 2021-08-03T23:40:24+00:00

I think engaged with a date set is the best way to roll.

mullerel · 2021-08-24T02:55:32+00:00

Nope. Don’t become a forever girlfriend. It lessens the value of marriage.

Title	Do you recommend living with your boyfriend or fiancée before getting married ?
Author	Small-Button-2308
Upvotes	37
Comments	60
Date	August 1, 2021 9:36 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ovp835/do_you_recommend_living_with_your_boyfriend_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/do-you-recommend-living-with-your-boyfriend-or.796359 https://theredarchive.com/post/796359

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