Couples therapy

akihonj · 2022-02-02T08:28:40+00:00

Most of the time it's mainly for men to accept the fault is theirs and vindicate the wife that her shitty behaviour isn't actually shitty.

Instead my advice is to use it as a way to figure out if the marriage is worth fighting for, should be able to get that nailed in the first two sessions.

Any after that are to agree how to split without too much fuss.

Gattsama · 2022-02-02T05:15:00+00:00

Didn't do anything for us. My STBX's POV was (or at least stated, who knows what she actually thinks or believes) was that all the problems in the relationship were caused by me. Therefore I need counseling to help fix the problem that was me. I suggested we had problems and we should go. She agreed (at first). Ultimately we saw a couples therapist both individually and as a couple for ~1year. She dropped out (because everything was ultimately my fault). I keep going for a few months before I called it.

How well did the sessions go? Well the therapist said to me "it sounds like you are working on your first marriage" & "I think you should let this one go [talking about termination]" :)

It was helpful for me to have a neutral 3rd party confirm some us her behaviors as toxic / unhealthy, so there's that...

Rough-Area4765 · 2022-02-02T06:35:39+00:00

Complete waste of time. Spent 3 years and $6000…. All it did was give ammo to the ex about my inner workings and it was used against me in court.

Do not go or believe therapists can keep your info out of court. Why teach your future enemy how to break you down?

25_years · 2022-02-02T12:14:19+00:00

It started out with the best of intentions (supposedly). But what she really wanted was a referee to 'rule' on every disagreement we ever had. She wanted 'proof' she was right.

She would even shop around for a favorable therapist. I remember one therapist (who had a Ph.D in clinical psychology) literally laughed at my ex's amateur diagnosis of my alleged psychological problems. Needless to say, we never went back to that one.

WartimeDad · 2022-02-02T16:14:40+00:00

The therapist will immediately validate everything she says about you, and agree that you need to work on yourself. The therapist will immediately disregard anything you say, and will basically paint you as the problem. Then, when the divorce is underway, your STBXW will weaponize the therapist and act like they are evidence that you are the monster she says you are.

Fuck marriage therapists.

If you go down that road get a young male. Do not think that it is a “safe place” to be honest. Think of it as a place to listen to her lie about you while you nod in agreement.

SanMiguelDayAllende · 2022-02-02T05:19:46+00:00

Four couples therapists in 5 years. Only the last one helped me see I needed to end it. So it did eventually help but not how I thought.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2022-02-02T05:13:00+00:00

Tried it 3 times. Waste of money for the “couple” part.

The last one was actually sort of useful for me, but only as a newly separated man.

I ended up stopping w her though and finding one of my own for awhile.

Sea-Mission-6316 · 2022-02-02T05:33:15+00:00

It was a total waste of time and money. Individual therapy would be good for you to help you through the process. From my experience and the experiences of others I have seen, once you get to the point of needing couples therapy it's pretty much over.

HaloJonez · 2022-02-02T11:00:55+00:00

It was useful in an unexpected way. My wife suggested we go to couples therapy with the expectation that ‘I had problems’. The therapist saw us both together and then individually and advised that my wife continue with therapy and not me. That went down like a fart in an elevator. Apparently, it was my fault that the therapist thought that way.

TonLoc1281 · 2022-02-02T10:13:49+00:00

It was highly beneficial. It will get you a great preview of the dirt she will use against you. It took all the wind out of her sails. It will also give you a good indication of how much time is left.

hombredelgato · 2022-02-02T14:28:59+00:00

When she starts getting angry about the therapists taking sides then you know you're close to the final moment.

My recommendation is to get your own therapist and see him/her just after your couples therapy session. You'll need someone to counterbalance what you hear in those other sessions.

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-02-02T14:44:41+00:00

Useless waste of money! It solves nothing except to hear your stbx complain and not listen to you. You can do that at home for free.

canival9885 · 2022-02-02T17:59:55+00:00

Takes both to try and make it work. I essentially wasted three months of therapy cause once the STBXW asked me for a divorce, she said she did it to make me happy and wasn’t trying on her end. I had a very good therapist I’ll admit and actually continued to see him as a personal therapist during divorce process so it wasn’t all bad therapy wise. But if you feel your spouse is wasting your time than therapy won’t work. We saw three therapist, two of them females and they sided with the wife most of the time so I felt I was fighting two fronts. The last therapist was a male therapist and he was more even keel than the female therapist and the STBXW didn’t like it as much and probably why she said she wasn’t trying as hard the last time. So I would avoid female therapists if you can.

IvoShandor · 2022-02-02T13:58:45+00:00

If you're going to couples therapy it's too late. If you imagine an equal exchange of discussion points you're being mislead. Bull Burr has a great bit about looking forward to going to couples therapy and talking about everything he needs to work on.

Use the therapist as a referee to help with the split.

47omek · 2022-02-02T16:25:39+00:00

Colossal waste of time and money.

Mysterious-Bug3120 · 2022-02-02T17:03:08+00:00

I couldn’t agree with these gentlemen more… Counseling for me at least was only used as an outlet to vent her frustrations about things that I did… Any mention of any of her faults or character defects or the way in which she was ruining the marriage was quickly swept aside… as one of the other guy said the only beneficial part was for me to realize that she will never change she did want to change and it was basically over… Good luck to you my friend

derelictherds · 2022-02-02T18:46:18+00:00

If both of you are willing to put in the work and you have a good therapist, then it might be helpful. Total waste of time and money if either of you already have one foot out the door.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2022-02-02T19:24:50+00:00

It was a waste of time and money. All it turned into for me was a rehashing of all my faults and wrongs from my ex wife while her refusing to admit any wrongdoing and not willing to work on changing any of her habits. I knew after that last session that our marriage was done. Now, as they always say, results may vary. If a couple is willing to go in and do the work to make things right again, you may have a different and better result.

Commercial-Pick-2264 · 2022-02-03T04:37:15+00:00

First time commenting. IMO couples therapy only works if both sides take responsibility for how thr relationship got to where it is. I let her choose the therapist so that minimizes the I don't like the therapist conversation. Mine was a one sided relationship and she thinks it's infidelity. She wanted therapy because she felt it was all my fault and wanted an admission of fault from me. I didn't want therapy but I ended up with both couples and personal therapist. I agree you can figure out if cpupl3s therapy is going anywhere fairly quick by observing your partners stance. After that it was to learn the skills and self improvement so I don't end up there again in the next relationship if any. The personal therapist helped me discover I was married to a covert narcissist and how to break the trauma bond. If you open your mind and heart you can learn alot about yourself and how to view things. Nobody ever taught me these things so I am learning in my 50's. Never too late to teach an old dog some new tricks.

DeJohn123 · 2022-02-02T16:39:00+00:00

It put a spotlight on the bad things in our marriage, which I guess should be a part of it. But at no point were ever asked to talk about the things that worked in our marriage. We eventually separated (at the behest of our therapist) and then divorced.

LonelyNC123 · 2022-02-02T18:32:05+00:00

It helps a little. It helped my spouse see that her untreated mental disorder was contributing to our problems. She saw a psychiatrist, got on proper meds. Things improved for a while. She stopped the meds. Everything went to hell again.

alexgreat1 · 2022-02-02T21:13:43+00:00

The best thing I have ever done for myself in my divorce and leading up to it was to go to therapy for myself. She had me convinced I was abusing her and the children. I was being gaslit into believing that was the case. Couples Therapy was the worst thing for me as it allowed her to gaslight me even more into believing I was wrong and that I had to be better. I would be careful about picking a couples therapist after having multiple that didn’t listen to me or let me speak but listened to her and always let her berate me without being allowed to respond to her lies.

jgoodstein · 2022-02-02T22:01:19+00:00

go to your own therapy. I thought couples therapy was a waste of time and money. Unlike other s experience my therapist saw my way more often and actually encouraged us to end it. She also said we should have a unmarry ceremony which I thought was hilarious and told her NO.

RedPillLense · 2022-02-02T22:04:29+00:00

Don't do it. It was a waste of time for me. Nothing came of it because my now ex-wife would not accept accountability and only accused me of being "controlling and abusive". The feminist therapist was not much helpful. Seriously, a total waste of time 👎

Islandboy2000 · 2022-02-05T20:26:46+00:00

I found it to be a waste of time. It can only be remotely successful if BOTH parties are wanting to the save the marriage. But if one person is (secretly) already checked out, it’s a waste of time and money.

I did individual therapy and grew immensely from it.

Title	Couples therapy
Author	tomgreen_84
Upvotes	7
Comments	38
Date	February 2, 2022 5:07 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/sig71b/couples_therapy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/couples-therapy.1100217 https://theredarchive.com/post/1100217

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