Divorce dissonance

deijardon · 2024-03-11T22:09:43+00:00

Simple really. You pay to play. It's expensive. It's fun until it isnt.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2024-03-08T23:07:02+00:00

Honestly was just talking to my dad about this earlier. I am happy with everything in my life since I stopped feeling the need to find someone to replace my STBX. When/if it happens, she’ll need to make me happier than I am now, but I’m happy with everything else. I was super depressed until I gave this up (and of course as time passes).

Seemedlikefun · 2024-03-08T20:12:58+00:00

Johnny Lee tried to tell us the answer, a long time ago! https://youtu.be/8mxIHL6d-RM?si=yUXbKR5EK5u2Krid

roshi-roshi · 2024-03-08T03:00:08+00:00

Marriage is not the ‘be all end all’ we were taught it was. If you can get that figured out, then I think you’ll be ok married or not.

DivorceCharacter512 · 2024-03-08T00:39:50+00:00

No longer believing in the institution of marriage after realizing its an onerous legal scam... is very different from believing you're better off single.

I'm all for the potential bliss of a successful life long partnership in my future - I just can't imagine ever legally handcuffing myself like that ever again.

MrCleanWI · 2024-03-07T22:45:08+00:00

The human psyche desires relationships, and there's nothing wrong with them as long as you only let them go as far as you want. I myself have been married twice and will never marry again but I haven't ruled out a relationship with a woman. I just need my time now to find myself again and make sure that's what I really want. But you can have relationships and not have marriage. You just have to be able to put a stake in the ground and stick with it.

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-03-07T21:29:30+00:00

It's sunk cost fallacy for me. I ran with lots of girls back in the day and always kept a healthy distance bc I knew better. But then I meet HER and think I should reorder my life bc she was so effin' awesome. It was great for a few years but the next 15 years was me trying to convince myself that I didn't play myself...that she was "different".

I'm celibate af and rarely engage with women now bc I KNOW BETTER than to think something good would ever come from it. Some day I might change but I will never share my income, my property, or time that I value bc they are never as committed as you. True love and all the sappy movies we were raised on...were mostly made by men. True love requires honor and honor is uniquely male attribute. Generations of men projected their honor culture onto women but women never lived by it so we get this vicious cycle. Not me though...not again. I see it for what it is.

No-Boysenberry3045 · 2024-03-07T19:15:36+00:00

Going with the first option it's not worth the time or risk. I was lucky in my marriage she wanted it to be as peaceful and fair as possible. It is almost over, and she kept her word. I don't feel I'm going to be that lucky again. And it was still an awful experience. I will never give anyone the power to tear down something I worked so hard for. I didn't fall out of love. I didn't break my vows. I was involved for the 17 years we were married. We had no money or sex problems. I jumped thru every hoop because I thought she was my ride or die. And you wake up one day and say sorry I'm not in love with you anymore and I need to go? See ya? . Maybe I would feel differently I'd I was 30, 40 or 50 years old. But I'm not. and I'm not willing to stick my neck out for anyone again. I do not hate her but forget it. Never Again

pk2at · 2024-03-07T17:12:55+00:00

There is a third big option you are missing. 3) Its the divorce laws that are a scam and men should have flexibility to negotiate binding custody and financial agreements at time of marriage, i.e. there should be looting prevention laws

JimSevere0271 · 2024-03-07T16:00:02+00:00

I think what men are actually desiring, optimally, would be a faithful partner that is what a woman should be.

Loving, nurturing etc etc

Unfortunately in this day and age it's an incredibly rare find.

So it makes sense to me that you see men never wanting to get in a relationship again with with what they know is the majority of women these days...versus still desiring a faithful companion that actually cares for them.

Reflog1791 · 2024-03-07T15:38:10+00:00

We are all capable of returning to our simp ways. It’s a scary thought that I will try to forget immediately.

Sea-Mission-6316 · 2024-03-07T15:17:30+00:00

Speaking as one of the men who was financially destroyed during divorce and had kids alienated from them, all I can say is: Never. Again. Marriage, or even a LTR, aren't worth it. The court system and child support agencies are too biased against the husband and father, at least in my area.

Marriage is a high risk proposition, especially regarding finances. Even dating is typically a money drain, and for what? Some "companionship"? I was never more alone than when I was married. There are some good and happy marriages, but they are rare in my experience. I've seen few relationships in which I would want to be a participant.

Retirement age isn't far off now. I've worked very hard to build back financially after my divorce and have a chance at a decent retirement. My future is now under my control. If I wreck it, it's my fault. Second marriages have an even higher risk of failure, and a man is at risk just because his wife can lose the tingles for him or develop the tingles for someone else. If a divorce wrecked my finances again, I'd probably have to work for the rest of my life. To me, the risks of marriage far outweigh the rewards.

ThirdEyePerception · 2024-03-07T14:27:28+00:00

I married my ex wife predominantly due to expectations here in the south. She was my father's choice and he showed me the type of woman he wanted me to marry when I was a teenager. That, combined with trauma and wanting that companionship led me to marry the wrong woman and I destroyed it because I wasn't happy with either myself or the relationship. Now, my best friend and I have been dating for a while and I've never been happier. We'll pribably end up married at some point but not for any other reason than we want to be and build a life together. I think we learn what we want by first learning what we don't.

Beamformer · 2024-03-07T12:54:42+00:00

i love women, but hate being owned by one. Been in a solid ltr for a little while. We may cohabitate one day, but not going to marry.

DatabaseSpace · 2024-03-07T12:35:08+00:00

I think it's because humans are supposed to be isolated and solitary. That being said, I have never had to pay an ex girilfriend alimony, sell a house because of her or lose $50,000 from retirement. Those things happened because I was married. It was also because of the person I was married to. I shouldn't have ignored red flags, but I did.

Gattsama · 2024-03-07T04:59:46+00:00

There is a spectrum. I will never marry again. The legal contract is shit and there's zero advantages to me. However, an LTR sounds good, but with lots of boundaries and the ability to walk away at any time, should it be necessary. There is no shortage of women out there, although there is a small supply of good women.

On the spectrum are guys that really want to be married and feel they need a woman in order for the life to be complete. I would like to have companionship, especially for travel; but I do not need it. I have a g/f I've been seeing for just over 1 year. Things are good. But she has her life and I have mine. I have only allowed her to leave a hair brush at my place, I do NOT want to integrate our lives and will not do so. She's aware of this and claims to be ok with it.

I know whe wanna more, but I'm am just open and honest that I don't have it to give and choose not to if I did 🤷‍♂️

I also have 100% faith I can replace her if it comes to it. Not easily, she's got a lot of great qualities, but again there is no shortage of women on the planet.

I think the big issue is for you fear being alone, are tou comfortable being alone, do you enjoy being alone. For me it's: no / yes / most of the time.

Ptsdveterannavy · 2024-03-07T04:31:57+00:00

For me, street my 1st marriage that failed regardless of who's fault, men crave the companionship as women crave it more. The stats show that 2nd marriages fail quicker and higher than the 1st. I think after a 1st marriage, men should only date and not get in a position of being implied a common law. Get a vasectomy and show your oats...

yknotalpha · 2024-03-07T02:28:29+00:00

The only reason for marriage could be kids. But you know that there are chances at some point she is going to cheat or loose interest.. same applies for men as well.

Only thing is law will kill and punish men.

I think we should marry but keep in mind that a spouse is not your blood relation one day they may get bored, relationship could get sour etc etc.

Getting Prenup or a companion relationship where you can walk out

pandatitanium · 2024-03-07T02:16:16+00:00

Both options are probably true.

I think unfortunately both men and women can learn a lot from failed marriages, and also being older and better in tune with who they are and the type of person that would be a good fit for them.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-03-07T02:15:37+00:00

I’ve had friends over the years that were afraid to get married and I would tell them you can’t be afraid to live. Meaning it’s ok to make mistakes but freezing in fear isn’t ok. I made my mistake and got 2 great kids out of it so it wasn’t all bad. Post divorce is more about doing what you want and building the exact life you want with no influence. I can afford to be selective and not make the same mistakes the second time around.

Haunting_Profession3 · 2024-03-07T02:13:29+00:00

I feel that there’s a very happy medium between the two, you just have to do the internal and external work to get there.

It’s very possible to be happy to be divorced, knowing that you were with the wrong person and you are very much so better off on your own.

You can love your self, your free time, and your ability to rediscover who you are as a human, and a man. You don’t have to be around a woman to be happy. You can do your own shit, day in and day out, happily, all without a female there to witness it.

You can also date, enjoy women & the connection with them, all without having the mentality that they’ll be your future. You know that if it doesn’t work out, you still have the most important person in your life, you.

I think this is the recipe for success as a divorced man. I also think that when you hit this stage, the likely hood of the right person finding you, greatly increases. You’ll have been through a divorce, and enough dating to know what is truly meant for you without the blinders on.

Just my take on it, but it’s how I plan on keeping my mind peaceful. Seems to be the best way to live a happy and fulfilling life.

swrdfsh2 · 2024-03-07T02:09:31+00:00

Life is not that black and white. There are too many variables in each person’s life to make overly generalized statements.

That said, there are a few constants we can rely on. Best thing to come out of divorce these days is that these constants are being properly defined and correlated. What are those constants? well you should be able to infer them by reading through the posts that come up daily.

In my case, I lost a well plotted trajectory for long term success, a big chunk of equity, and gained a perspective that allows me to course correct much more efficiently.

My sock day was last December, after a two year battle to exit a 17 year marriage. Today I am totally free and plan to spend the next year island hopping. I get that not everyone can have a clean break, but that’s what I have.

Stay strong and plot your course accordingly.

Only advice I can give is don’t get stuck in the anger phase too long. Spend a bit of time there, as it can be helpful, then start to logically plot your next move.

Title	Divorce dissonance
Author	berzerker5000
Upvotes	23
Comments	31
Date	March 7, 2024 1:40 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1b8htr1/divorce_dissonance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce-dissonance.1426146 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426146

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