How did you finally decide to pull the trigger?

WildernessHuntin · 2024-01-17T15:41:08+00:00

I made it 17 years, a lot of the same stuff lack of intimacy after our last child. Told her multiple times that coming in dead last on her priority list didn’t work for me etc. Ultimately I would have stayed if the status quo was maintained, even though it was really a one sided relationship. She helped me out by saying she didn’t feel attracted to me and wanted a separation. Pretty sure she was having an emotional affair at the minimum based on the quickness of her change. I filed about 2 months into the separation, I tried everything to reconcile during that time. A divorce wasn’t what I wanted. I realized she wanted to stop being a mom and spouse. She didn’t want to say that because that would paint her in a poor light to herself and others. I just watched her actions, it told me the truth. It would never be the same as it was.

It has been the hardest thing I have gone through in my life, but a one sided relationship would have just been a slower death for me. Most likely with a greater loss when she bailed down the road.

pharmd718 · 2024-01-17T13:50:45+00:00

She was gas lighting me for a few years. When I got my best friend on video fucking her and telling her that he will leave his wife for mine….thats when a switch went off. All hope/love/emotions disappeared within a second. I felt numb. Devoid of any emotions. Then what seemed like a black cloud parting, I knew exactly what needed to be done.

bloodstone99 · 2024-01-17T10:32:22+00:00

Not divorced. I broke up with my fiancé 3 months before our wedding. Family involved and cards were sent. I broke it all. I pulled the trigger cuz my patience had enough with endless arguements, bickering, nagging, gaslight, deny accountability, present herself as worst as she can but would dress up well when she is not with me, disgusting attitude and u know the rest. Super argumentative right after i put that engagement ring on her finger. I would go to her place after work and she would put on the most disgusting mask and be a very arrogant being. My brain couldnt do the math when i met her versus now. I ddnt know i was dealing with a full blown covert narcissist. Nothing was ever enough for her. She had to chase high emotions all the time and she would create drama. I realised that slowed my house contruction down and slowed down various progresses in my life. Fortunately, I have some tough men around me and I cut her loose. Took a huge toll on my mental health, confidence, self esteem. Ffwd to today, zero regrets of cutting her loose. Pathetic women i tell you bruh.

dadplup · 2024-01-17T08:14:51+00:00

We were together for almost 19 years. I caught her cheating at the 7yh years, she tried to leave me on the 11th, both times her current lover backed out when she did this, finally at the 18th I saw that she was acting suspicious again , like she was having another affair. I called her on it and mentioned to her that she had a decision to make if she wanted to go to just go I would pay for her ticket home but not to do what I knew she was going , otherwise the decision would be out off her hands, she ignored me didn't think I meant it, that was a reoccurring thing in our marriage , so when she got caught again I have her 3 choices she chose to leave so I made her leave the house, and I filed a soon as I could, it took a few months but she was out of my life and lo and behold the guy she was cheating with also dumped her when she tried to move in with him. Only now she had nowhere to go as I made sure she knew there was no coming back if she stepped out the door.

8888eightyeight · 2024-01-17T07:16:05+00:00

She would talk about our son in front of him to me, knowing full well I hated it, which is why she did it to piss me off. She weaponized our son. I was so done after that.

saygrace2 · 2024-01-17T04:20:08+00:00

Xyz?

Throwawaysi1234 · 2024-01-17T03:34:09+00:00

Read her texts. She used the insurance money from a car accident I was in to take a "solo trip" that was actually to go see a man she had secretly been having an affair with for the last 10 months and was planning to marry. I filed the next day because what else is there to do?

San_Ra · 2024-01-17T03:08:26+00:00

We had an open relationship for about a year during which we both saw other people. During that time it became very clear that i was being financially abused (i couldnt spend any money on myself without her permission other than a meager "allowance" each week). During this time we had also said the kids come first. If we have something planned outside of the family unit and the family unit needs both parents: then outside activities got canceled.

Straw that broke the camels back: the family unit needed her and she gaped it and spent alot of money on herself and her side piece while i was left with the kids. 🤷

UseResponsible4368 · 2024-01-17T02:49:41+00:00

Several things opened my eyes at once, but I think it was all fermenting in my subconscious:

True story, she was shotgunning me about 1000 different minor things, and I just had this moment of clarity. She must have seen my expression change to resting barbarian face, and demanded "What is your Problem?! "

No shit, I looked at her, and I said almost in a tone of Wonder and Awe... "It's... you!

Mopstick86 · 2024-01-17T02:31:20+00:00

I was walking our dog for hours and I realized I was dreading going back home. I was distanced from my entire support system, family and friends. I was constantly on egg shells and so unhappy and anxious. My mental health was really deteriorating. I told her we need to talk and let her know I wanted a divorce. She said ok. She was done also. I packed my things and moved on with my life.

foookie · 2024-01-17T02:23:36+00:00

She had an exit affair, and denied everything until I discovered on my own. She continued to lie and deny everything even after.

She wanted the divorce before I truly discovered even though the signs were there loud and clear.

I granted her last wish and served her.

Attentionless · 2024-01-17T02:07:16+00:00

Young hot girlfriend ! That will motivate you. I wish I had done it sooner your just wasting time

whiskey_piker · 2024-01-17T01:38:09+00:00

You’ve given her the bulk of your life, literally. Tell her tonight.

beezo123 · 2024-01-17T01:29:23+00:00

she was obviously over the sex and who I was as a person for years, so after a 3-week silent treatment over some bender I had, I decided enough was enough and had the talk with her, sort of got her to say she wanted the divorce (which she had hurtfully done a few times over the last decade), and said hey maybe it is time. Next day we took a walk and talked finances of it etc. I later tried to backtrack but it was too late. Probably for the best. 1 son,11 years old. Note during those 3 weeks I had lost 20 lbs and was 100% sober. Meant nothing to her.

Tough_Bicycle_8843 · 2024-01-17T01:24:00+00:00

After a few years of trying to sort it all out I said to myself over the next 4 weeks do absolutely everything that I think she wants. No matter how stupid and how much shit I have to eat. I did this and ate a lot of shit and she still the same. It didn’t matter what I did she wasn’t going to change regardless. The next day I organised to see a lawyer.

ADHD_247 · 2024-01-17T01:13:37+00:00

Interesting, our issues were the same, except in my scenario, she secretly planned the exit strategy so... she is probably also planning it as well, and you're possibly in a race within the unknown in finish line

soontobesolo · 2024-01-16T23:07:04+00:00

I did the same thing as you. Set boundaries, and a specific time limit, and stuck to it. When the time passed, I filed. (a year for me)

In retrospect I could have saved time and gone earlier, but it's nice to know that I gave it my best shot and never have to regret my decision.

I will say, you should talk to a lawyer now and prepare a strategy. Very, very important. Secretly of course.

mercedeszzzz · 2024-01-16T23:04:01+00:00

I think you should at least talk to her about your ideas in a safe and clam environment without any pressure and then see what she says. Don’t give up just yet you have a family how old are your kids?

captainchippsixx · 2024-01-16T22:57:40+00:00

Walking and away and not talking to her is the most powerful move you can make. I have said many times if you get divorced and she changes than you can get back together but not be married. But that’s a freaking like losing your sunglasses. Very slim getting them back.

domo_roboto · 2024-01-16T22:32:46+00:00

I proposed to my ex to see marriage counselor to improve things, she was hesitant but agreed. It was clear after a few sessions that her heart wasn't in it. Then COVID lock downs hit, and that was it, it was clear that something had to be done. We didn't execute until after the lock downs.

lifelesswriter69 · 2024-01-16T22:32:05+00:00

i have no problem sharing my straw, because its a good one.

so for 15+ years we had our issues. i owned my mistakes and made amends. stbx? not even close. she double-downed on 3 or 4 key areas i needed to see improvement. never happened - she talked a great game, but remove the words and those actions showed me all i needed to see. i still stayed though, doing what i thought was best for her, the kids, the family. notice i never said me?

so we decided one night to have a date night... and alcohol became too much and that turned it into a singles night. the next day stbx said it was a great night. funny - what was so great about it? i just blurted it out, for the millionth time, except we both knew i meant it this time.

so here i am.... the hardest journey ever thus far

nyghtrider · 2024-01-16T22:23:57+00:00

I had similar. I filed and ended up pulling the papers. Might simply be blunt w her and not file. Don’t have the convo unless you’re ready to move forward

Title	How did you finally decide to pull the trigger?
Author	dammitredditname
Upvotes	24
Comments	43
Date	January 16, 2024 10:10 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/198fjmp/how_did_you_finally_decide_to_pull_the_trigger/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-did-you-finally-decide-to-pull-the-trigger.1243164 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243164

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