How to you get over her?

mdh5326 · 2026-04-24T08:02:39+00:00

I’m 18 months in and still have some rough days more often than I’d like to admit.

The truth is everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of time. I’m working on allowing my grief to be there without resisting. I’m noticing that it’s not just the grief of the lost marriage, it’s all grief from all of life I’m experiencing—which means I’m letting it heal.

As men we are conditioned to not feel; to compartmentalize and move on. Thing is, that energy never actually goes away. It gets stored up until either something activates it or we die with it.

Time takes time—gotta give time the time it needs. It’s hard that’s for damn sure. Some days I feel like I’ll always feel this way. Like I’ll always feel frustrated, defeated and alone. Like I’m always going to feel like I’m lost and losing at life.

Here’s a truth: tomorrow is a new day. No one knows what it will bring and you could wake up to the realization that the grief is over and it really is time to accept what happened. Then there will be a substantial peace and feeling of wholeness like nothing else.

But we gotta go through it. The only way out is in.

yourvicehere · 2026-04-24T00:48:42+00:00

My heart got crushed by the love of my life (35 years married) after eight weeks of couples therapy. It was so unexpected, and I truly felt blindsided to the point that it felt premeditated. She did the right thing (my alcoholism is a HUGE factor in all if this.), but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Therapy and regular journaling has helped. And it really is grief that we're processing. I romanticized the institution of marriage, enduring and tolerating a lot of hipocrisy, victim contests and a lot of control issues, all the while being blind to how my behavior contributed to the deterioration of what was a deep loving relationship. It was a mess and I'm not over it by any means. For me, this is going to take a lot of work and time before I feel whole again.

Good luck, man.

MiloGoesToPorridge · 2026-04-24T00:17:56+00:00

It's just grieving mate, that's all.

An emotional grenade embeds it's accompanying shrapnel all over you- it's hard to think straight and stable for quite some time, and the timescale for recovery is different for every single bloke on Earth.

But recover you most surely will.

Only time does this.

Those that can't let go simply dont really want to.

KingJon85 · 2026-04-23T23:03:07+00:00

I had to systematically shift my thinking and use a cognitive therapy approach. It's been 7 months post an 18 year relationship. The first 5 months were brutal, but ive had a massive shift in the last couple of month. I realized she isn't worth wasting another single fucking second of my life having a solo pity party about her screwingme over.

She is a terrible person. She did everything possible to burn my life down completely unwarranted. She belongs to the streets now. I will no longer allow her to live rent free in my mind any longer.

I am still dealing with some trust issues and a bit of lingering anger but I am working towards forgiving her for myself. This does not mean I want anything to do with her ever again.

I haven't dated again really but am talking to a couple of women who have given me lots of compliments and it has really helped my self esteem.

Im working on some big lifestyle changes and I don't need distractions from women right now. I am getting in shape and going to keep it up for the rest of my life. I am reading and listening to audiobooks that help strengthen the mind. I am working my ass off at my job, utilizing my full potential. I am becoming a better musician.

This freedom is a gift. Use the pain as fuel to become the best version of yourself possible. Learn to love your own company and enjoy the peace.

r007r · 2026-04-23T20:48:27+00:00

Be like me - just keep forgiving her abuse until the idea of being back with her, while appealing, fills you with such existential dread and anxiety that you have to think about something safer like clearing a mine field by tap dancing.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2026-04-23T20:09:19+00:00

Sleeping with other women helps to break the illusion of her being that one special person for you in the Universe.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2026-04-23T19:16:05+00:00

You have to give it a good 2 years. Once you take her off the pedestal you'll wonder wtf you ever saw in her lol.

You'll have plenty of better women in every way than her in your future.

Nuxpyro_Valhalla · 2026-04-23T17:54:15+00:00

I struggled it with too my friend. The only answer is let time pass.

I'm not saying you will get over her, but you will understand clearly why you couldn't be together.

I'm in the same boat, today I went for my divorce mediation. And as hard as it was, to just go there, the meltdown when I returned home was next level.

I realised, that the person who I was becoming in the process of this divorce, would never be able to love her with the same innocence and capacity. I would be betraying her by letting her come back to me, thinking I would love her the same way, but I've changed.

Tough_Jackfruit_7161 · 2026-04-23T16:22:43+00:00

I haven't its been two years. The gym helped make day to day easier but I wouldn't say that I have moved on.

One-Specialist-4983 · 2026-04-23T14:57:30+00:00

Go out there and have fun. Plenty of women just looking for casual… sooner before you know she’ll be in your rear view mirror

FirelineJake · 2026-04-23T14:48:36+00:00

If I'm alone with my thoughts, I feel like that sometimes. That's why I want to get into good talks, they keep my mind occupied with nicer thoughts. Its also why I like to hang out with my friends so much.

BeginningProgress551 · 2026-04-23T14:04:47+00:00

I struggled with it too for a bit but eventually the one question that really helped was is she acting like somebody who loves you? In my case she wasn't and hadn't been for a while, so it made it a lot easier for me to set aside the residual feelings.

If you're here on this message board and going through a divorce the person putting you through that isn't showing you love.

And at the end of the day that's what you want is to love someone and be loved in return.

BigBubbaMac · 2026-04-23T13:56:19+00:00

You can't force it. Grief is different for everyone. It might not feel like it now but these feelings will fade over time.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-04-23T13:56:14+00:00

Same for me, and we have three kids she chose to impact instead of working on the marriage. Remember the cliché, the women you divorce is not the woman you married. Best to you and all the others like us

koolllG_uy1911 · 2026-04-23T13:48:23+00:00

Keep saying this over and over: “This feeling is temporary, it will pass”.

Numerous_Rush5227 · 2026-04-23T13:24:05+00:00

Your persona was molded by her through your attachment. Bonds strengthen over time especially for men which explains the deep pain. It’s time to get to know yourself. I recommend actively writing in a personal journal. You will get to know yourself and consequently what and why your relationship didn’t last. You’d be surprised to find out a lot of it was not your own fault.

gaelorian · 2026-04-23T13:22:11+00:00

The gym, hobbies, and other women. Working well for me.

crashohno · 2026-04-23T13:04:53+00:00

You write a new story. You're living in an old one. Face that truth and magic can happen.

"She was the love of my life" okay - that life is over. What about your new life? She can't be the love of that, she's opted out.

"She was the love of my life" - well apparently she disagreed. Who are you going to believe, the sputtering mess in the mirror or the woman you thought you knew who isn't there anymore?

"She was the love of my life!" - and life has happened. You can stay were you are in pain, or you can get up in your pain and start moving towards new things. It'll hurt either way, but 6 months from now you'll be in very different situations.

frogmicky · 2026-04-23T12:56:59+00:00

Other women, Hobbies, The gym, Self Improvement.

EmotionSix · 2026-04-23T12:51:36+00:00

This worked for me: I decided to hate her. This canceled out the leftover love I had for her. I know that doesn’t sound healthy, but it’s just what worked for me because I was love sick after she left. I needed that feeling to end.

No-Asparagus6937 · 2026-04-23T12:44:27+00:00

Gym man, pump iron!! Best med out there. Before you know it you ll meet someone new and you ll wake up one day thinking god what was I doing with her?

That_Elephant_4287 · 2026-04-23T12:37:02+00:00

Take it day by day. No easy answer. Try not to think about the good times. Sometimes things don't work out and moving on is best. Focus on other things that make you happy.

Always-tolkein · 2026-04-23T12:36:08+00:00

I’m in the same boat brother. Fighting my brain every day since a teen. It’s just more intense now.

Title	How to you get over her?
Author	Ok_Industry3016
Upvotes	7
Comments	63
Date	April 23, 2026 12:30 PM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1sthdqr/how_to_you_get_over_her/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-you-get-over-her.1578679 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578679

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