I really envy you guys

Plebe-Uchiha · 2022-05-06T03:36:09+00:00

Yes. You. Do.

Yes. You. Can.

You can do it. You do have the wherewithal to do it. You don’t want to, but you can. It’s like with anything scary, you have to do it, and commit to it.

Don’t envy. Do it [+]

lostcanuck007 · 2022-05-06T06:02:34+00:00

dont take this the wrong way, most of us got served, a few served the bitch.

as men we are taught by society to power through and slug it out with life, rather than up and leave. its that stupidity that gets us fucked.

Don't envy us, change your thought process. good luck

GoofBallz913 · 2022-05-06T04:21:14+00:00

I was the exact opposite of what you describe. Hanging on to every strand of hope, playing "pick me" by showering her with gifts and affections, and generally doing everything I could to make our marriage work.

And then... I didn't. And I felt good. I had been controlling even the smallest thing I could-- literally drinking enough water each day. Then I started working out, then I realized I was still worth a whole lot more than she was valuing me for. (oh and when I did, she came running back. But, I had seen her for who she was.)

All that to say, you will move on and it doesn't have to be in the way you seem to think. Day by day, work on yourself. Focus on your kids if any, and you WILL find your worth.

Gattsama · 2022-05-06T06:09:10+00:00

Emotionally abusive, gaslighting, blame and manipulation for 17 years (12 married). And I took it. Keep going back for more. In my case she got to greedy, told me to leave and took her ring off. First that was a bridge to far, and second once out of the house I had never been more peaceful and stress free.

The only think keeping you in your shitty marriage is you. You are in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). You need to escape to get your head free. Start slow, put some money aside think about where you will live. Does she move out or you. Do you have kids. Talk to a lawyer, learn what's common in your area. Find some real support (this group, friends, family, men's support group, etc). And then do what you have too. It's not about courage so much as just acceptance.

Don't know if you have kids (thank goodness we dont) but if not kids then it's just money. You can always make more or ex pat. My STBX will exit ultimately debt free, with all the investments, nearly all the property / possessions and about $500k cash. And it's worth it to be free of her. It didn't start that way but that's how it's going to end.

Try to remember this. You need to love yourself and take care of yourself, as if you were someone else. Treat yourself as you treat others, advise yourself as you would advise others. It's pretty much never the case that guys here share their story and someone says "Sounds like she's the one, she's right and your wrong, do what you have to to make it work."

You have to take care of you, because no one else will especially not her...

Be safe out there

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2022-05-06T05:18:00+00:00

My ex has BPD like my mom did. I had no idea about either before I initiated the divorce. It took a lot, a lot of outside support(therapists etc) to be able to do it. Felt like the end of the world. I still hate that it couldn't work, but I'm 1000 times better off emotionally. She destroyed me. Near the end, all I had were health scares, and wanting to drink(never touch the stuff), and disgust for the person I'd become.

She broke me into tiny little pieces, but with a lot of work, I'm back together the best I've ever been. It's just one day at a time, man. If a guy like me can do it, so can you.

Hang in there, please post often!

SnooChipmunks8506 · 2022-05-06T08:50:53+00:00

Hey man, this is clearly a cry for help.

Your praises to the group are you evaluating what needs to be done and then being overwhelmed.

Stop doing that shit man…

Most of us got our asses handed to us in the worse ways possible. It took us getting our teeth bashed in and wallets ripped off our backsides to turn around and fight.

You are looking at the end and telling yourself you can’t do it. You are letting the Great Monster of the Unknown control you.

Here is the best thing you can do, go get therapy.

Not with her, don’t let her push her fat ass into your sessions (my did that and was furious when the doctor told her to not come back).

Create places and hobbies without her. Find happiness that doesn’t have you shackled to her. I mean HAPPINESS, not short term pleasure.

Take up fishing, camping, walking dogs, husbandry (not what you would think it is), IT certifications, or whatever you can do to build up the hero inside you.

Stop trying to make her happy. That isn’t your job, she needs to figure that out by herself, just like you are doing now.

The quickest way to the happiness is going through adversity.

Good luck!

yeldellmedia · 2022-05-06T04:01:18+00:00

Bro we were all where you are…. You DO have the courage!!!

thefudmaster · 2022-05-06T04:39:15+00:00

You’ve got the balls to be able to do it too bro. Divorcing both of my exes was the best to decisions I have ever made in my life.

CaliDude75 · 2022-05-06T05:06:34+00:00

I probably have it relatively easy here from that fact that I don't have any kids. But long story short, I just couldn't bear the thought of another 30+ years of the same-old, same-old. I made the decision, and living with it. 🤷🏻‍♂️

pegleg_legal · 2022-05-06T09:47:19+00:00

Many of us were where you are now. You need to find it within yourself.

BettyBeltway · 2022-05-06T03:48:42+00:00

Yeah. What Plebe says. It’s so much better on the other side. You can do hard things.

C20H25N3O-C21H30O2 · 2022-05-06T10:27:40+00:00

You have already taken your first steps by recognizing the issue and writing this post. You are already ahead of many of us in the first stages because most of us we were blindsided by the divorce/separation. You already know the problem so start planning your moves to achieve your goals, freedom and happiness. Be strong!

jaymo54 · 2022-05-06T11:48:29+00:00

You’ll never understand how strong you are until you don’t have a choice. It’s human nature to avoid danger. Danger comes in many forms. Physical; emotional; financial. But I know with certainty that if she left you, and you didn’t have a say in the matter, you would survive. It wouldn’t be pretty. It wouldn’t be ideal. But you would wake up each day and once the anger passed, the rebuilding begins. It’s ok to have a chip on your shoulder. To want to prove people wrong. Let that fuel you, but not consume you. Here’s my situation

-1999 started dating in highschool -2001 bought a house -2002 married -2005 first kid -2009 second kid -2010 new house (Up to this point the relationship was fine but looking back there were signs. Sex life wasn’t what I needed but nothing was bad enough to leave. Just having kids, buying house, buying vehicles. Trying to buy happiness). Once we had the house and all the kids we wanted it started spiraling a couple years after we moved. Looking back, we got unhappy every few years and tried to tune it up. -2012-2015 bad marriage. No sex or communication. Competing with each other. Keeping score on everything. Who pays for what, who cleans what. Who cooked, who had the worse day. It was negative energy and was toxic. Went to counseling from 2012-2014 with little to no results.
-2015 after a YEAR with no sex and a month of no speaking I said I was staying with my folks for a little bit because I wasn’t happy -IMMEDIATELY she began turning the screws on the kids (ages 10&6) This made the separation escalate to divorce filling. At the time I was making 17.70 an hour with a side gig of photography. She was able to get 925 a month cs/alimony and I was broke. Broke broke.
3 months after the separation but before the divorce was final, I fell in love. We start hanging out more and more and the ex became HCBM and did everything she could to undermine our relationship and my relationship with the kids.
2019 I get a raise to 22/hr and things are looking better. Rebuilt most of what I lost but I’m happy. Still paying the same support/alimony but I’ve learned to live on what I make.

Next week I start a new job making 40/hr

I lay all this out to show it isn’t easy. It isn’t fast. But it is doable. And time is ticking no matter what you decide. You have one life. One opportunity on this earth. Bet on yourself.

I’m 7 years into the child support and post divorce life. I have 5 more years until my youngest is 18. I’ve watched my ex mock me for paying for her lifestyle (works part time, gets cs/alimony from me) and snap food and insurance from the state. Up until this new job she’s had more money than me and bought my kids love. But child support and this financial stress is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t fun. But it was good for me. Because no matter what I do, in 5 years I get $900 raise without changing a thing. And I’ll have had 12 years to learn to do without, being confident when I tell the kids no, learning patience, not having the ability to buy my happiness but instead figure out the issues with my new marriage and deal with them.

A few years ago I wished for the opportunity to go back in time and avoid my now ex and avoid this pain. Now, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m stronger because of it

riddeford · 2022-05-06T12:02:24+00:00

Yes. Mine worked out but the legal fees drained what little money we had after her spending. It takes a lot of courage to make the decision and take action. In-laws you loved will come to hate you, people will talk shit, you’ll feel anxious as hell.

I know everyone says it, but you have to hear it: get a good lawyer. Even if you have don’t have the money and have to put 20k on a credit card. This is your life; and your wife, family, her friends, and her lawyer will not just let you walk away easy.

I was lucky that my in-laws had the money to buy me out of the house and weren’t interested in dragging things out when they saw I was prepared for battle.

If you have to pay alimony- pay lump sum at all costs. Learn to walk away and rebuild. I’m 47 and this pretty much wiped me out financially but I’ll scrape by enough to get a place near the kids’ schools. Mariage is one of the worst kinds of prisons. Even if you end up broke, you’ll most likely be happy and wish you had done it sooner. It can take a long time, so start now!

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-05-06T13:27:58+00:00

You're talking only about 10-20% of men that left. 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

david10277 · 2022-05-06T14:18:15+00:00

30yrs.. 4kids Divorce proceedings underway House split Child Support Spousal support

Narcissist, gaslighting , projection, manipulation, multiple affairs,

We have all been thru it.. Some have more challenges than me.. But we are men..we will conquer , she is a women she will not be able to succeed on her own. It's the universal law of life. They are not wired like us. It's the brainwashing for north American society to make you believe that bullshit.

Walk away ..she needs more than you need her.

You must understand the healing process and the stages of emotional trauma. You must go thru to come out better.

Someone told me ...its like death You morn the same way , the pain is the same way.

You move on because you are the catch She is not..

You leave her becuase she is toxic You are not ..

You deserve a full filling life of happiness Dont have people in your life that cause drama Man or women.

Also You dont go out and find anyone.. You remove yourself from the toxic relationship You work on yourself- and you will attract all the right people. Chase nothing..ot will come to you.

Take a trip and go fuck some pretty women. Go to thailand , costa Rica , DR, go reclaim your place on the podium.

Go see that she is useless to you. Life is beautiful, she is nothing but a headache Get some fresh air and remove her.

You have do it for your better self, its a bumpy ride but you will land.

jaymo54 · 2022-05-07T02:49:17+00:00

I heard a pretty powerful quote on the joe Rogan podcast.

“A man has two lives, and the second one begins when he realizes he only has one”

If you’re unhappy, fix it. You know what you need to do. You’ve always known. But you’re doing everything you can to avoid pain, conflict, discomfort. But the real changes, the real results ALWAYS happen when it’s uncomfortable. Drill sergeants break down men to absolutely nothing before they build them back up and into soldiers. If you want to build your biceps, you must completely fatigue the muscle. Then it builds back stronger.

Blisters turn to calluses Broken bones become stronger than before

Your heart and mental strength are no different

saintduckias · 2022-05-06T09:17:21+00:00

All I'm gonna say is what everyone else already said. So go read them again. Take the advice, actually take it, actually put money aside, actually meet with a therapist, actually control the one small thing you can, actual exercise. I personally push exercise as the most important, because for me it was. It gave me the confidence and mental strength to move forward. Plus the more I exercised, ate healthy, and generally improved myself the not grumpy she became. I saw a clear one to one that my she bitch actively dislikes my improvement. That was a revelation.

So, go back and reread everyone's advice then start making your plans. Do the research, ask irl friends and family for help. It will be difficult and humbling to admit you need assistance, but it is worth it.

Shitpostradamus · 2022-05-06T10:16:32+00:00

OP, please start telling yourself this one sentence each and every day repeatedly

“I am the prize”

You CAN fucking do this and you deserve everything f you described. Much love, bro

SnooDucks2052 · 2022-05-06T11:48:32+00:00

There’s nothing to envy. We all went in expecting the Happy Ever After & it didn’t work out. I understand what you mean because it is scary in the beginning but you’ll do what men always do…deal with it.

Road_to_independence · 2022-05-06T11:57:58+00:00

The thing is, you only go through life once. One single time. But you don't really appreciate it until you get into your 50s and start to understand how little time is left. I didn't have the courage for a long time and now all I can do is look back and see all the lost opportunity to escape a boring, unfulfilling marriage and cultivate a rich, meaningful one. Don't live a life you'll regret.

CasanovaFrankenst1en · 2022-05-06T12:28:14+00:00

I think you do have the balls just based on the fact that you reached out. That in itself is a first step. Good for you. As someone who has thrown in the towel and chooses not to try and venture in to the unknown, this is a life that you do not want. It still sounds like to me that you have chance. Listen to everyone's comments, they know what they're talking about.

2022-05-06T12:36:33+00:00

Don’t envy. Join us.

mccolm3238 · 2022-05-06T15:35:57+00:00

You are worth a life that is full of what you want. It looks terribly hopeless on that side, been there. You are capable of doing the hardwork to be in a place that delivers you a fulfilling and happy life.

akihonj · 2022-05-06T16:04:06+00:00

You mean to say that you don't yet.

You haven't yet found the bottom. You think you have but you're still saying to yourself if I do this she'll change and things will get better.

There will come a point at which you'll be saying I've done everything, there is nothing left to try and no matter what she won't change because she's happy as she is and my pain is her enjoyment.

At that point you'll leave.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-06T16:07:37+00:00

> I do not have the guts to leave and find that special someone who is there for me.

Two separate things.

You'll find the guts to leave when you reach your breaking point. No one knows what that is but you.

If you are lonely when you are alone, then you are in bad company. Don't try to find happiness with someone else until you are happy with yourself. Happiness is sourced internally, not acquired from another.

noidea_19 · 2022-05-23T04:13:01+00:00

I feel you. Same boat. 67 years old. Life sucked when it shouldn't have. Ain't getting any better. One bright spot. Well two, the kids. Never thought I wanted to have them, now it's the only good thing that's been in my life. I console myself saying that sticking around for them made their life better. That's all I got.

Title	I really envy you guys
Author	anxious_throw_away33
Upvotes	38
Comments	38
Date	May 6, 2022 3:27 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ujef0v/i_really_envy_you_guys/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-really-envy-you-guys.1115344 https://theredarchive.com/post/1115344