Marriage Counseling

Gxl4 · 2022-04-15T15:01:14+00:00

If she doesnt have burning desire for you, or if trust is broken on one side, its a done deal.

Tldr; never get married.

VintageSheppard · 2022-04-15T15:10:06+00:00

If you’re doing it to save a marriage it is too late.

Successful_Chard · 2022-04-15T15:13:32+00:00

I wish I could have voted twice, because she quit early, but it also helped me be a better person.

Plebe-Uchiha · 2022-04-15T20:03:37+00:00

Helped us out a lot. Unfortunately, we had to keep going. Our therapist who was a saint, in a figure of speech, had too many clients. She was overbooked. We couldn’t fit into her schedule anymore.

I think it helps when both parties are willing to partake and be honest with each other. It honestly helped a lot and as my partner would say, after every session, we would have a honeymoon phase for a couple of weeks.

IDK about everyone else, but I lived with her parents. Her parents were the main argument we would have. I felt they were too involved. She would vent her frustrations and state that her parents agreed with her.

I felt like I was in a relationship with all 3 of them. I had to keep her happy, her father happy, her mother happy, and I felt constantly tolerated at best, never celebrated.

On the last session we had with our therapist, we finally talked about her parents. My partner was furious. She was upset that I “would bring [her] parents into this.” The therapist told us to focus on our relationship and to avoid her parents. Our therapist also agreed that her parents were too involved. Our therapist suggested that she talk to me first about plans and not her parents. To value my input over her parents. Plus, other things. To her credit she followed her advice. Everything was the best it ever was for over a month.

Unfortunately, her parents began to resent their daughter. They felt “disrespected.” My partner was upset and resented me for “creating” an unhealthy relationship with her parents. We were going to sign up for another session. Our therapist told us she was overbooked.

Time passed I got into an argument with her parents which lead to separation.

I always encourage people to take couples therapy. It helps. It doesn’t guarantee anything but it does help. The sooner the better. The later is the less it helps [+]

mehmench · 2022-04-15T18:20:44+00:00

I don't know how to vote honestly. We did it and she manipulated every therapist we came in contact with into focusing on how I interact with her and we never, ever talked about how she interacts and treats me.

To this day I don't know how the focus was always on how I work better with her vs her having some fucking regard for me.

It was fucking stupid.

In my individual therapy I was able to work on understanding myself and my needs. I suspect that the better path is individual therapy first so that you can do just that - understand what's going on with you. Then you can communicate about it in some sort of marriage therapy.

Marriage therapy without first understanding YOURSELF and your own feelings in these situations is just a waste of time.

SnooStories5744 · 2022-04-15T18:42:21+00:00

It’s definitely too late, if you’re going to couples. I also feel that some of these therapists are in collusion with the wife. Also, individual therapy is needed on top of couples.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-04-16T09:32:20+00:00

Marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money, brains and time. You can't negotiate genuine desire. Once you start negotiating, you lose your position in so many different ways because you are willing to compromise. You’re willing to say, “Okay, I know that you don’t really desire me so I’m willing to do more dishes, I’m willing to do more stuff around the house, I’m willing to negotiate with you. What’s it going to take for you to actually want to fuck me?” When you negotiate desire, you are only negotiating obligated compliance. Negotiated desire only ever leads to resentment, from both parties, down the road.

crowexplorer · 2022-04-15T16:03:32+00:00

Therapists are just someone you pay to pretend to care about your problems. Therapy only "works" if you believe in it. Same way going to church can make you feel good if you believe. It's a catharsis.

Suspicious-Brush4382 · 2022-04-15T19:16:25+00:00

Therapy works if you're both committed and have a good therapist who isn't easily steamrolled. In my case, my ex wanted to use therapy to vindicate every negative thought she had towards me. When the therapist pointed out something she needed to work on, she got defensive and angry and he backed down

2022-04-15T21:37:25+00:00

Once you are headed for "marriage counseling" 90% of the time it's wasted money. Women make up their minds over time behind your back while playing like it's all cool, and then drop the hammer. Men seek to fix problems early on and those can be saved. But, good luck changing a woman's mind. More than likely she already has a guy she's seeing.

hisnameistylerdurtin · 2022-04-16T01:56:15+00:00

Wife initiated separation (i moved out) and ultimately divorce (not final yet). First we did discernment counseling to figure out if we should get divorced, stay together but nothing changes, or start marriage counseling. She agreed to start counseling. Our counselor took us through the Gottman program. After a few months of this we find out that there are issues in pretty much every area. Looking back she was maybe 80% out the door before we even started counseling. Our counselor was really good but said that if the friendship has died then there is no glue or motivation for people to stick it out and put effort into healing the relationship. Counseling was beneficial for me though, possibly life saving. It helped me identity that I had been deeply depressed for some time and the main cause being lack of love and affection from my wife.

bulldog5415 · 2022-04-16T05:30:36+00:00

We did it, and i am a big fan of therapy personally. But the issues that we were dealing with in therapy weren’t ones that we could fix. We weren’t physically attracted to each other anymore. I think therapy is great for helping you grow but not for changing who you are as a person. And what therapy could have offered us was not something that would have fixed it

AirSailer · 2022-04-16T03:54:45+00:00

Anybody who reads this Poll be aware it would be helpful to upvote it so it can be visible at the top of feeds.

This is my first attempt at a Reddit poll, and I tried to make the responses as unbiased as possible, and so far the results have exceeded my expectations (big thanks for participating) and I hope it provided a discussion point for all of you. Thanks everyone who voted and/or commented.

LeTronique · 2022-04-15T22:13:15+00:00

During lockdown my insurance sucked but now, I found a great service that helps with this even though I started literally 3 days before the ex skipped the US and cried divorce. I still talk to the counselor. Chill lady. Gives great advice for dealing with this shitty time.

cciv · 2022-04-15T18:31:58+00:00

Prior to divorce did you and your spouse attempt marriage counseling and what was the outcome?

I suspect your sample is biased. The outcome was divorce, obviously.

syro23 · 2022-04-15T19:40:10+00:00

So I am the only person who clicked, "yes, but I quit early."

To elaborate, she took therapy as an opportunity to call me names and criticize me. Some of her criticism was valid, but the name calling was childish. I never was given a chance to voice my concerns or be critical of her in any way. She deemed her issues with me as much more important than my issues with her. It was all very one sided and left me feeling worse every time we went. The therapist did little to nothing to mediate. I saw no point in continuing to go and be verbally assaulted. I was getting that for free without a therapist.

James1933-75 · 2022-04-15T22:18:06+00:00

How about: No, it made it all the worse, because wayward wife was enabled by MC to be a victim, and I was viewed as an abuser, when all the while she was cheating the entire time! It was all projection!

jalopkoala · 2022-04-15T23:13:18+00:00

I will say marriage counseling didn’t help our marriage, but it did help ME. I think the counselors (she fired the first one for “ganging up on abusing her) really helped me understand the reality of the situation. I’ve carried that with me in my own multi-year “deprogramming”.

CaliDude75 · 2022-04-16T04:20:39+00:00

It can be helpful if both partners are committed to “doing the homework” and putting in the effort, but if it’s just Kabuki theater to say you “did something” it’s doomed to fail.

Weedwillmakemerich · 2022-04-16T14:31:08+00:00

She mentioned it a few time before the Big D. We talked, though we were good, but it was a very busy stressful time for us. I wish we would have went when it was first brought up. It was bad timing, which is the worst excuse to use. But she just started back to work, and I was trying to get promoted. Which, i got, but turned down because i did want the responsibility because of my devorce. When we finally did go, we chose faith based with a couple of nuts. It went horribly, she did one session but was already check out, it was to late. I always wonder if we would have went when she first brought it up what might have happened. I lost my best friend, lover, and mother of my child. We had such a great life, but I let greed ruin it. I just wanted the American Dream. She just wanted someone to talk too. I gave her what I thought she wanted unstead of what she needed. A tale as old as time. My company thinks I'm a nut job now, and l lost everything that actually made life worth living. We truly do create I our own problems.

Gattsama · 2022-04-18T10:05:35+00:00

We tried counseling prior to the separation... sort of. You see all the problems in the relationship were with me. So the purpose of counseling was to fix the problem that is me, but I insitied with we couple counseling. Which she did for a bit, but then quit (because all the problems are from me). I keep going, until I moved out of the house (the first time). The counselor told me my STBX had some BDP like characteristics, when she learned of this is fired him :)

Title	Marriage Counseling
Author	AirSailer
Upvotes	9
Comments	33
Date	April 15, 2022 2:57 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/u49wp6/marriage_counseling/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/marriage-counseling.1112571 https://theredarchive.com/post/1112571

Comments