Sex drive messed up after separating.

Fun-Conference1361 · 2025-02-11T04:06:48+00:00

This post is why Reddit exists right? Male vulnerability. Age 38, started dating instantly after divorce. Couldn’t pop current wife the first night; she stuck with me. Came n went for a month while dating long distance. Cut the porn and masturbation and still was inconsistent. Bought Hims and it worked well. Solution for me was the gym and time. We grew closer and feelings further away from ex. By 6 months I felt like a champ again. Showtime in middle of day, multiples on weekends, w/o pills. There’s no pressure to perform but a good cock ring doesn’t hurt either.

ReinventingOldDog · 2025-02-10T23:03:21+00:00

I needed this thread. I'm exactly where you are. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, all of it.

Kind-Strength7977 · 2025-02-10T19:48:42+00:00

Same for me. I’ve met a great woman 8 months since my last relationship and just having a hard time (pardon the pun) staying hard and also wanting sex. I remember it was like this from a previous relationship and wonder if I still have a mental hangup about my ex.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-02-10T19:40:36+00:00

43? Normal test at 43 per reference range is still very low. If you are below 800 you and your dick will definitely benefit from trt. Estrogen is the big driver of libido and erection quality and sensation so make sure to get your sensitive E2 levels checked on your bloods. You want to be at top of the reference range for both test and e2 for your dick to work like it did when you were 20.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2025-02-10T17:47:16+00:00

It happens and happened to me.

The first woman I went out with, we ended up having sex in her car. I had a hard time getting aroused physically even though I was into it. It passed. The next few times were challenging as well. I went through the same things you did, getting tested, etc and found nothing.

Turns out, I need an emotional connection before physical intimacy and apparently it's called being demisexual. Who knew? It's much better now but it took a while

rowman_nahledge · 2025-02-10T16:05:52+00:00

I went through a really bad bout of severe depression last yr in may, marriage was on the rocks, super stressed out. I developed a drinking habit thats still a prob today. Im 44 and yea man i thought i had ED at one point. Went to the doc same story all good no issues. I did the exact thing you did, no xxx no nothing and still had trouble. Finally realized that it was all mental and the depression was kicking my ass. Tbh i had to stop caring, i stopped giving a fck and everything was back to normal. We are our own worst enemy, theres a war inside of us and its you vs you. It will get better dude. We just in our own heads too much sometimes

Pro-IDGAF · 2025-02-10T15:48:43+00:00

thats pretty normal. i had a chance at sex about 3 months after mine moved out and it wasnt even an interesting though, which i think back now and a wow, how did i pass in that!? even a year later with a great woman, i had to think myself into it.

it’ll pass. get your head cleared out and be happy with yourself, it’ll come back.

No-Zombie1004 · 2025-02-10T12:57:21+00:00

Cheating does a serious number on libido to those of us hardwired to monogamy. Try cialis or the generic.

THX1138-22 · 2025-02-10T12:32:52+00:00

I think even a little internet porn messes up peoples understanding of sex on a subconscious level. Our mind internalizes the idea that our genitals should work perfectly like those we see with internet porn. Then if the slightest thing doesn’t go according to plan, we feel performance anxiety. Consciously, we know it’s ok, but subconsciously we feel we are failing because of those internalized images from fake internet porn sex.

Most people have some degree of ED at our age, especially after divorce. It’s important to find other pathways to touch and intimacy that do not involve replicating porn-influenced sex behavior. Things like tantra, etc, and to find a female partner who does not shame you and embraces this exploration. It’s a slow process but healthier in the long run.

CondorA6 · 2025-02-10T10:29:52+00:00

I went through the same thing and the Viagra did help. Helped me get over the tough spots that without it I'd have went limp or not even gotten hard. Betrayal is a powerful dick destroyer. Focus on yourself. Take your Viagra, workout and become the best version of yourself. Might not feel like it right now, but you're much better off without a Cheating bitch dragging you down.

Any-Dare-7261 · 2025-02-10T08:36:33+00:00

I just turned 40 and mine is gone.

fingerbang247 · 2025-02-10T06:00:26+00:00

It’s trauma and it takes time, even if you think you’re over it. I believe, in time, you’ll be okay. I don’t think most men understand how complex the mind/heart are and how they mend. I’ve been separated/divorced over 2 years(50 years old) and everyone I know tells me I need to get under somebody to get over them, but it’s just not that simple. I think your libido will rebound, it’s not about your physical, it’s your mental and there’s no measure of that. I have faith you’ll be okay, just as I do in me, it takes time. Take care.

AirSailer · 2025-02-10T04:51:26+00:00

I think for many guys around 40-45 the hardness decreases due to simple biological. Add in the stress of a divorce and navigating the single life, new financial situation, etc and the compounding effect is more pronounced.

Do you still get morning erection and if so are they the expected hardness? If yes then I'd say it's more psychological.

Mugennsx · 2025-02-10T04:39:58+00:00

I had this exactly after I lost someone special. Give it a few months, you're rushing the healing process.

Left-Signature-5250 · 2025-02-10T04:14:28+00:00

I have the same issues. It is now two years later and still not fixed. I am with my girlfriend for over a year now, everything is way better. Our sex is also absolutely great, but the feeling and the hardness are often not as I would perceive as normal.

Blood work normal, fit guy, 43. I take Cialis for the last two years now (very low dose). My urologist says the dose is so low, that it should not have a physiological effect so it's probably all psychological. I am not sure, I am convinced that 2,5mg per day is just necessary now.

Legitimate-Error-633 · 2025-02-10T02:53:13+00:00

I think this is completely normal for men who have been cheated on. Happened to me as well. I’m 42. ED for ages. And then, one day, the libido just came back.

For me it was the realisation that it was just the cheating ex who was no longer interested in me - but other women very much were. Once I was ready to start dating again, there were no issues.

No-Marsupial1823 · 2025-02-10T02:52:27+00:00

It’s in your head. You’re probably thinking about your ex or still traumatized.

Bumblebee56990 · 2025-02-10T02:40:13+00:00

It’s mental. Therapy.

darealyst · 2025-02-10T02:23:24+00:00

Did you get a prostate exam?

Exotic-Belt-6847 · 2025-02-10T02:08:05+00:00

Id have to check but based on the scale the results showed it appeared to me to be at the higher end.

qmriis · 2025-02-10T02:06:26+00:00

What's "normal"?

300 is in range but low as shit for most men.

First-Bid8895 · 2025-02-10T01:28:45+00:00

Divorce can really mess up a guy's head... It takes its toll... My confidence was lacking... 2 years later I am doing a lot better... I liked Ciales a lot more than Viagra... I'm 45... It sounds crazy but I stopped having sex and masturbating for about 3 months a while back.. That's when my problems started... Use it or lose it.. that's how I look at it now... I make myself jerk off 2X a week just to keep the blood flowing down there if I'm not having sex... Once you are really mentally recovered it should be less of a problem or not a problem at all... Just getting used to being with a new person is hard after a long relationship.. the more u stress or worry about it the worse u make it... Relax... Get weird... Tell her to put both your balls in her mouth at the same time... It helps....

Longjumping-Boot2330 · 2025-02-10T01:25:29+00:00

You aren’t alone, I’ve had similar issues but it will get better. Something that you might want to consider is going to therapy. What you went through was a very intense and trying time and talking with someone can help a lot.

JustSomeDude7287 · 2025-02-10T01:14:15+00:00

It is psychological and normal. I’m 35 and after being betrayed it’s fucked me up. I’ve changed my lifestyle and the healthiest I’ve ever been. Might start considering looking into sex therapy at this point.

It doesn’t maintain, goes limp, doesn’t get erected, etc. like you say once the thought comes in it’ll happen. So you need to distract yourself without getting that thought.

I heard people being prescribed 5mg of cialis and it works. You take it daily so it’s always in your system, helps rebuild confidence. I’ve tried Hims and depending on the dosage viagra didn’t work for me, cialis was better, you could also mix the two. It’s pretty expensive for the anonymity, going to go to my doctor unless the sex therapist can prescribe it.

You’re not alone, good luck.

ThisReckless · 2025-02-10T01:04:23+00:00

It's normal, you're right that it is psychological. Subconsciously it's a self esteem/anxiety issue. "I didn't have these issues with my wife until she cheated and then we separated."

Viagra will just mask this underlying issue, although it could help rebuild self esteem in the long run.

Trauma does this to us, and while I have no definitive solution (as this is an underlying psychological issue that is subjective). What I can say is just focus on the intimate relationship you have with the new gal. Talk to her about it, so that way she understands it's not her and doesn't cause self esteem issues for her. Believe it or not most females understand these issues.

With her expressing understanding, might even help you relax and snap out of it.

necromensa · 2025-02-10T00:35:04+00:00

STBX left in late Nov. I didn’t get an erection for weeks and even now it’s uncommon. Super normal. Went from having daily sex to nothing but I haven’t gotten back to even wanting it yet. I imagine this will be a huge source of stress when I begin to date again but I don’t think I’ll be doing that for a while. I’m shooting for the month per year of working through the grief etc. that’ll be +/- 10 months for me. She’s already hunting but I expect she wanted this for a long time before she pulled the trigger.

Title	Sex drive messed up after separating.
Author	Exotic-Belt-6847
Upvotes	26
Comments	73
Date	February 10, 2025 12:11 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ilt9rd/sex_drive_messed_up_after_separating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/sex-drive-messed-up-after-separating.1543419 https://theredarchive.com/post/1543419

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