Where to start?  I’m a 57-year-old divorced male with a 16-year-old son.  His mother divorced me when my son was 4.  Since then, I have absolutely devoted myself to him.  Maybe to a fault.  I was awarded 51% physical custody and have maintained seeing him at least every other week.  Even the weeks he didn’t stay with me, I would see him after school several times a week for sports practices (which I coached).  I took an early retirement to focus on family and spending time with him since I feel like half of his life was taken from me by the divorce.  Time I can’t replace.

I made the intentional decision to put my son first when she decided she “loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore” and insisted on divorce.  Every doctor, dentist, school function, sports function, and more, I was there.  Always.

I did remarry, and my wonderful wife has been in my son’s life for 9 years.  She brought a beautiful daughter who is 3 years younger than my son.  They all love each other and get along very well.

For context and at the risk of sounding like I’m patting my own back, I have routinely been recognized by family, friends, and acquaintances as an exceptional and present father.  And honestly, it’s been my goal from day one.  My own father died when I was six months old, so I never had the chance to know him.

So imagine my surprise when he turned 16 a few months ago and sent me a text saying he didn’t want to go on our family spring break and would be staying with his mom from here on out.  Then he wouldn’t take my calls or texts.  It’s now been three months, and he has refused to text, call, or meet with me.  His mother has always given him whatever he wants and allowed him to be very lazy around the house.  Gaming computer at will, iPhone in his room, social media, refusing to do school work he doesn’t want to, etc.

My son is very intelligent, caring, sensitive, and unfortunately lazy in some ways.  For context: when he is with his mom, he averages 5 hours a day on social media via his iPhone (which I can see in the family plan).  

He had built up almost 20 late/missing assignments.  Recently, he had said he wanted to be treated more maturely and given responsibility.  I had a sit-down talk and pointed out that he was, again, not doing his schoolwork.  We agreed he would get it done within two weeks.  On the accountability side, we agreed if he did not get it done, he would lose phone privileges for a week. 10 days in, I knew he wouldn’t get it done, so I told him to take an extra week but get it done before spring break so he could enjoy his time.

On the day he was to have it all finished (he did only about 15% of it), he texted me and said he didn’t want to go on the family trip and would be living with his mother.

I completely disagreed, but his mother wouldn’t make him speak with me and said he needed time and space.  I then asked her to at least follow through with the school work promise and take his phone for a week while he did the work.  She lied and said it was broken, then finally admitted to me it wasn’t broken.  She had tired of “the drama” and bought him a new phone that I couldn’t turn off or see his social media usage.  When I told her how wrong that was and that my son had agreed it was a reasonable amount of time to do the work, she said “he doesn’t respond well to threats”.

Months of me begging to see my son has gotten me nowhere.  She is an attorney and says he’s old enough to make the choice where he wants to live and if he wants to see me.  He has since finished the school year, never completed the work, passed the classes, quit his sports and extracurricular activities, and says he wants to independent study the next two years of high school.  He’s spiraling, and she’s too self-centered to see it.

We have him seeing a therapist, but she cancels half the time because she’s busy, etc.  The therapist has written to me saying to give it time, not force a meeting, wait for him to come around, etc.  He also says it’s obvious how much I care and how important my son is to me based on our correspondence.

There is zero history of physical, emotional, sexual, or mental abuse in my home.  

I feel he is running from accountability and responsibility that he gets in Dad’s house.  Choosing the easy living and zero accountability life at Mom’s house.  

I’m at a total loss, completely mentally devastated.  There isn’t a single day of my life when I saw my son that I didn’t hug him, tell him I love him, and that he’s the most important thing in my life.  I’ve allowed him to make choices on classes, activities, and tried not to be overbearing while still offering a guided path for him as a young man.

I’ve recently sought out someone professional to talk with so I don’t overwhelm my wife as this takes over my mind.

Anyone out there been through something like this?