Telling the kids

Cavsarge · 2023-10-02T05:02:11+00:00

Accountability.

jjfishers · 2023-10-02T15:08:47+00:00

I refuse to lie and laugh at people that tell me it's my obligation to lie.

When my daughter brings it up I simply tell her there will be a time that I feel she's ready for the truth and I will tell her everything.

Actions have consequences and at least my child will start out her adult life fully aware of that.

jaclan2130 · 2023-10-02T17:36:16+00:00

My wife went off the rails in May, and asked for divorce in July. She has BPD, bipolar, and multiple physical ailments. She's unable to care for our kids, and if she was honest would admit that she wants only to be a part time mom. I will unavoidably have to seek full custody. Our boys are 8 and 10.

Under no circumstances will I lie to my boys. Whenever we tell them, I will make clear to her and to them that this was not my choice and I wanted to keep our family together, and that I was willing to do everything and then some, to that end.

I will answer any and all questions they have honestly and will pull no punches.

Lying to them is not doing them any service, and this divorce is not about them, or me. It's about my wife and her desire to be free, and to allow her uncontrolled BPD to destroy the life she has.

Reflog1791 · 2023-10-02T18:58:30+00:00

“I divorced your mom because she had a secret boyfriend. Neither of your parents are perfect and we both make mistakes. We both love you very much.”

I told my kid that when she was 4 and when she asked again when she was 6.

I sleep like a baby. The affair is old news and doesn’t come up, certainly doesn’t haunt me or my kid. Im happy I told the truth about the core circumstances of my kid’s life. She trusts me with the important questions. If I lie about one very important thing than how can I be trusted about anything else. If she asks about Santa I wink and keep it fun.

Square-Year-3706 · 2023-10-02T09:19:35+00:00

My take on it is…

I was willing to stay in a marriage because I fundamentally believe that the family unit is a very positive thing, especially for kids.

If the kids are that important, and their mother chose to unilaterally decide that we could no longer be the family we once were, then second best is having independent positive relationships with both parents.

So, yes, my ex and I told the kids (both under 10) that we both chose this. We told the kids how it was going to be afterwards - 2 homes, etc. She went above and beyond in my mind explicitly telling them that we tried everything - not true, she didn’t even want to try counselling and little did I know she was already in another relationship at the time.

Would I change anything we told them other than her blatant bullshit about having tried everything to salvage our relationship? No. They don’t deserve to be exposed to that toxicity and what would it accomplish?

I will however be honest with them if they ask questions once they are mature and want to understand the truth. In fact I see it as my responsibility to educate them on this topic.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-10-02T13:17:33+00:00

Reject this bullshit

How old are the kids

Honestly. Doesn’t matter

I would tell them at least part of The truth

Is0prene · 2023-10-02T10:29:50+00:00

I have to lie to my kids all the time about my ex. The hard thing is that my kids are very smart. So I will lie about it being mutual and stuff but then they will ask me questions about random very specific things that I am honest with them about. The problem is once all of these questions start building up the end result doesn't fit my narrative anymore. Then they say but dad that doesn't make any sense. And I simply just throw my hands up in the air and say I know. Oh well I tried.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-10-02T10:56:08+00:00

Because it's about them, not about you.

Rollercoaster72 · 2023-10-02T05:36:33+00:00

Yeah that sucks... but you have to...it is important for the mental state of the children to be able to build up a relation with both parents. They can decide later themselves who is right are wrong. Trying to influance your children in any way might get them to hate you later, so I would try to push away your own feelings, you are the adult here, so act like one.

But it depends ofc on how old the children are, at some point you can't lie anymore. Btw do you want to be together with someone who doesn't love you? You don't, so there is your mutual decision.

This happened to me too, exactly the same. There are reasons though why she doesn't love you anymore, unless there is an AP, is on meds, drugs, alcohol or is mentally ill she might have good reasons. And then you have the possibility to grow, learn and look at your self criticaly. Do it.

You can check my profile I wrote several times about telling the kids, it doesn't always turns the way she wants it. Still stay with the plan and say it's mutual.

To make it short, we told the kids (13 and 16), wrote down before what we want to say and said it exactly like planned. Next day it turns out our youngest son doesn't believe shit and he now lives 100% with me. I had to explain everything, that I drank to much and that his mother is right to leave me etc it didn't work out.

He saw his mother 3 times in 6-7 weeks, the 4th time he met her at school to do a parent teacher child conversation (we splitted those conversations in a breakup contract) his mother sided with the teachers and son now doesn't want to see her at all anymore.

I am not happy about this, I can see he is unhappy now and that is not what I and you want either. Children love their mother and it is utmost important that you do not get in between that. He loves his mother I know that, there were so many moments the two had so much fun and yes she took that away from him and without theraphy she will be the emotional wrackage he won't like. But that is her life and her doings I can't do anything about. At least I sticked with the plan, didn't blame her and try to stay out of this so I won't get the blame later.

Children who experience bad breakups tend to be more suicidal later and have a bigger chance to become drug addicts, I really don't want that and I am afraid that his unhapiness turns this way for him.

The least you can do is be a father and be an adult. You don't want the mess I am in now.

berzerker5000 · 2023-10-02T12:54:41+00:00

Because it is said that if you tell them one parent wants out they will think that parent doesn’t love them. In their minds they love both parents and depending on age, may not have developed individuation, so they don’t compartmentalize the breakup like adults would.

That being said, my stbx has cast me as a bad father and my oldest already thinks mom divorced me because I yell. I tried to hire a third party to facilitate the family conversation but yeah too late. It is sad but stbx and I cannot come together to be on the same page for the sake of the kids.

yods35 · 2023-10-02T14:22:14+00:00

Because your kids feelings come before yours. It can be traumatic and effect how they see relationships for the rest of their lives. I hate me ex. And ending the relationship was mutual so my perspective is different. However how you frame it for your kids can be similar. My kids (who are young) we’re exciting about our separation. They have 2 houses! Two Christmas’s! Two toy boxes! 2 families that love them! Pets at both houses! 6 months after the fact they would still both say that they are lucky to have 2 wonderful homes. Try to not let your negative emotions bring them down.

WorkingPositive2172 · 2023-10-02T10:01:53+00:00

I told our kids it was my choice to get divorced ( me f35 at the time ) why would anyone not.

AdrianInLimbo · 2023-10-02T10:43:36+00:00

It's ot worth creating an issue where one side uses the kids to fight the other. When kids are older, they know damn well what was happening, usually. Younger kids are just better off thinking it was mutual.

Timely_Froyo1384 · 2023-10-02T14:39:40+00:00

Because the kids might question if they are next on the don’t love them anymore list!

Why cause more insecurity to make you feel better? Why assign blame now?

Children will know in the long run.

Plus their about to be exposed to the divorce shuffle. Never really having one place to live. Never really having one xmas. They are about to learn different household different rules. So yes let’s assign blame, bad mouth the other parent, let’s start a war.

warrior_up · 2023-10-02T14:56:50+00:00

Because it protects young minds from drifting or thinking that love is conditional, or that kids make parents hate each other

Flapique · 2023-10-02T15:55:12+00:00

My kids know it wasn't my idea and my son thinks it was his fault because he told his mom something I'd said under my breath in confidence when he was hiding under our bed in our room and it's just something silly like God. I hate my wife and he told her 2 weeks later and apparently based on her reaction he believes the divorce is his fault. I've told him many times it wasn't his fault but he brings it up still but we're just like 7 months into this. My kids definitely know this wasn't my idea because my ex tried to scare me by calling for civil standby and had the cops in the house. Meanwhile, we've never had any violence between us whatsoever, but she started yelling at me that I need to get out of the house and that she didn't love me anymore and that she couldn't stand the sound of my voice all this in front of our kids. The cops told her she need to stop and just grab her things and go if that's what she wanted to do. Which she eventually did after yelling at me several more times in front of the kids.

jimsmythee · 2023-10-02T16:11:15+00:00

Sometimes you need to tell the kids, depending on their ages, a little white lie.

"No the dog didn't die. He went to this farm."

Telling the kids that the other parent cheated, or is an addict, just adds more drama to their lives that they don't need. Don't drag them into the adult problems. Kids don't need that.

Ncfc48 · 2023-10-02T16:29:35+00:00

Some good posts on here guys there isn't a right or wrong answer all relative to our situations But totally agree some of is totallyagr specific and most will work it out for themselves

Classic_Dill · 2023-10-02T17:46:25+00:00

My ex wife's therapist told her, she should tell the kids not me.....hold up! she cheated on me and I'm the bad guy? LOL told my ex, you try that sh@t and ill make the divorce real tough. We both wanted the divorce, but she had lied to her therapist, which of course gave her ignorant advice, garbage in? garbage out. My Psychiatrist at the time, said both parents should give that talk. My kids already knew she was a cheater, telling them its mutual wasn't going to hurt me or the kids anymore, they knew what mom did.

dadmacintosh · 2023-10-03T00:36:25+00:00

Keep a diary. Detailed notes. Will come in handy discussing these issues when your kids are adults. For now, protecting them should be your priority.

mhall1201 · 2023-10-03T11:42:17+00:00

You don’t necessarily need to say it was mutual, but you don’t have to tell all of the story. Your ex or STBX has probably has a lot to say about you. Every divorce has 2 side, none of us are perfect. You tell them, they will tell her, she will then tell her side so she doesn’t look so bad. You can make this ugly or can make this civil. Choose your word carefully with the kids.

Life truth: Be aware. Anything you tell the kids will likely be repeated to the other parent (and god knows who else).

Title	Telling the kids
Author	lifeisallihave
Upvotes	21
Comments	45
Date	October 2, 2023 4:49 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16xnh7n/telling_the_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/telling-the-kids.1233716 https://theredarchive.com/post/1233716

Comments