A Case for "Vanilla" Sex

_electrafire · 2021-06-17T21:53:22+00:00

THIS except for the fact that eating a man’s ass is literally one of my worst fears😭they don’t even clean their buttholes

SoSurrealItsUnreal · 2021-06-17T19:49:14+00:00

Oh man there is nothing nothing better than a long slow stroke while looking deeply into each other's eyes and kissing and petting. The man I'm seeing is into this and it's amazing.

Midnight-writer-B · 2021-06-18T01:40:07+00:00

I am considering writing a book about this. About the beauty of seeking a mindful and sensual connection with someone. About the joy of sex while you’re in love. And the pleasure of exploring mutual pleasure with someone you respect, who attracts you and makes you feel safe. There are a few books like this but nothing that starts from the premise that lifelong attraction is a deep and nuanced goal you can have in mind from day one.

I grew up Catholic and fully intended to wait until marriage. I met someone wonderful and the wait got really challenging. We made it a year (my parents divorced and the marriage goalpost didn’t seem as meaningful). Lots of the gray and dark gray area acts were just as fun as the intercourse itself. I actually said “I’m going to hell for this?!” right after the first time, and my now husband laughed and said it’s been a year of buildup, promise I’ll do better next time. And we both did and it’s been getting better for 25 years and counting.

There are fundamentals that make sex great. If you need props and scripts and accoutrements, these fundamentals may be lacking. Such as

actually liking the person you’re intimate with
being comfortable and secure with them
being attracted to them
knowing they’re attracted to you
relaxation and presence in the moment
foreplay / a whole body experience
non verbal communication
synchronization of small movements
knowing how to interpret facial expressions
knowledge of some anatomy /techniques
knowing the cues toward orgasm: breathing, muscle tension

Of course these are better the more you communicate and have sex with the same person.

It’s so strange that so many accept a false dichotomy - heaps of casual sex vs. wait until marriage to get naked. These are both bad choices. There’s a middle ground. And it’s beautiful, worthwhile and lovely. Like anything worthwhile, it’s not the easy path.

Culture has changed hugely and people are very used to convenience and variety. They want the newest, easiest, prettiest thing. This is sad. This negates the experience of working hard on yourself and finding a partner that does also. For 1000 reasons, women should hold out for a partner they deserve. Sex is just one of those reasons. But wow. With someone who realizes the potential for connection like this, you can be intimate tens of thousands of times and just have the experience get better.

andwhenwillitbegin · 2021-06-17T20:45:11+00:00

I loved when I saw your comment before and I’m very glad you made a post from it.

Vanilla sex is actual sex. The Porn Industry would have you believe sex is an outlet for aggression. 😡🤢🤡

freerollerskates · 2021-06-17T21:37:09+00:00

Last weekend my boyfriend and I were making out and he whispered into my ear "I'm going to make love to you now, really slowly and gently, because I know you like that..." and let me tell you male lurky scrotes, it was approximately infinity times hotter than "take my dick, you dirty slut", or the classic "tell me how much you love my cock".

arnezuara · 2021-06-17T20:13:46+00:00

This post made me miss it so much. Unfortunately, I cannot say for sure what a healthy, loving sex feels like to this day. There was always some kind of spiritual, emotional disconnection, even if sex was gentle/brought no pain.

I hope to know it one day with someone that I’ve established strong emotional and physical connection with (along with trust, of course).

RecordingImportant94 · 2021-06-17T20:44:09+00:00

Exactly. So called “vanilla” sex can be incredibly passionate, exciting and explorative. It’s tragic that the desire for all the wonderful sensations that come from sexual unions with a strong emotional connection have been replaced by the promotion of acts which are painful and degrading.

I have a high sex drive, and celibacy (by choice) for over a year has been eye opening, it has given me time to heal from the trauma of being raped by ex partners and has meant I could take time to think about my boundaries for any future relationships. I am simply not willing to expose myself to abuse or even low quality sex to scratch an itch. I now know I am willing and able to wait for the type of sex that I desire and deserve, I won’t ever settle for less again.

Feeling safe and loved is integral to my ability to truly enjoy sexual encounters, and that feeling outstrips fleeting physical pleasure. I have never waited long before starting physical relationships, now I know that waiting until an emotional connection has been made is important to me, the libfem sex positive brainwashing is gone. When I initially read the FDS advice to wait months before having sex I admit I internally scoffed, but the more I have considered it the more it makes sense as both a protective measure and quality control.

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-06-18T02:12:31+00:00

You can do funny things with somebodys orgasm. E.g. it's possible to prolong the orgasm if you manage to fine tune your stimulation. Think edging during orgasm. Works for men as well as for women. Longest female orgasm I achieved was 15 min. ongest male orgasm was 2 minutes. Much shorter but buy far longer than the average male orgasm in average. Prolonged orgasms are physically challenging and require trust. Always make sure you and your partner are on the same boat when trying this. Don't assume it's OK for your partner to prolong their O because of a "the longer the better" bullshit porn mindset. It's rape when you keep stimulating them without their consent and it's also mentally very harmful for them.
The most successful way to edge a man is to combining prostate play with light and/or infrequent stimulation on the penis. When he is about to cum he'll get tighter and you can feel the prostate swell. This presses your finger against his prostate. Now this is the moment you stop with strokes on the penis and gently press the other finger away from the prostate, so finger and prostate don't touch (or only mildly touch). Stop with the internal stimulation, don't apruptly pull your finger out (this would most likely ruin his orgasm). Personal experiences/preferences may differ from person to person.
You can draw with words and paint with voice. It's an art in itself.
Never assume consent, always ask. If you think asking for consent kills the mood you suck at it and you are doing something fundamentally wrong. There are several sexy ways to ask for consent.
Just because you got consent doean't mean you have to jump right into it. There is nothing more sexy when you gave them consent but they don't reel you in just yet. Make them beg you/let them beg you a little bit longer.
You have to find them physically attractive, even when you are not horny. It matters.
This falls under Sensation Play: You have to be mentally awake enough for this to work or else you'll get distracted or fall asleep. Use all your senses: See, hear, smell, taste, hear, feel the sensation. When you cancel one out the other ones become stronger. From my experience speaking cancelling the visual as well as the auditive impression at the same time can lead to extreme results, so be careful. Blindfold/darkness is one thing but in combination with the inability to hear many panic. Start with enforcing the other senses by cancelling one sense at a time. There are also different "types". Contrary to the porn myth how men are visual creatures a lot of them seem most receptive on the accustic part. Women tuned out to be the more visual ones in my experience. A good indicator can be a persons hobbies: Somebody who is a musican, likes to sing or just loves to listen to music (especially classic music) is very likely an acustic type. Or just ask them, maybe they already know themselves :)
Sensation Play, the second: Caressing each other with no or dim light.
Always make time for intimacy or you'll have fast-food style fake intimacy and you'll feel stressed and annoyed with each other and the world. This is supposed to be quality time for both of you.
Dancing with body contact. Latin dances. Tango. Rumba. Bachata (his knee is in an interesting position...)
Compliments. As easy as it sounds. Getting compliments from a loved person is a wonderful thing. Don't forget them after even years into the relationship.
He can give her a lapdance.
Edging can backfire and create resentment, so watch out.

Edit:

Kissing, cuddling and doing all the soft & fluffy stuff with each other until you both can't hold back. I'm not kidding you. Try it. Keep your hands completely of each others erogeneous zones (especially genitals, breasts/nipples) at the beginning.

thrway01010 · 2021-06-18T07:32:01+00:00

This is an incoherent rambling about hating porn sex. Men who watch a lot of porn and have been watching since they were kids treat sex like a project. I used to like the idea of "exploring" and finding your kinks (for most it's creating and forcing them, actually) until I realized it will never end for them. Always chasing something more and better. With my most recent ex I was usually left feeling like I didn't do enough, like I wasn't enough. He made a comment years ago right after sex and it took a while to understand why it bothered me. Basically just implying that we can do something better next time. "That was good, but". It was innocent enough and perfectly fit in the "project mindset". Of course he wanted to copy all the porn tropes and it felt so forced and fake. I did a lot to please him and fulfill his fantasies and it was never enough. I imagine he would have eventually grown tired and complained about having a boring sex life, or maybe he did. Acting/believing like I was starfishing the whole time and denying him greater pleasures (like making me choke, cry, vomit, hurt?).

Another example. I was messaging with a guy who wanted me to take a kink test. He sent me a screenshot of his results and I noped the fuck out when I saw he had age play up there. These porn sick men seriously think women are or should be okay "exploring" shit like that. "They're just fantasies!!1" no you're a sick fuck.

Why there always needs to be some great power imbalance and a sick twist. I have a preference for dominating in bed but I can't imagine wanting to hurt my partner or wanting them to act like they are hurting and being turned on by that. It's so twisted. It's exactly that these men see their partners they do sex to, like things, and not people they are having sex with. Women are there to re-create porn scenes so the men can get off.

And that is why I'll probably never have sex with a man again lmao. Sad reality is that it really seems extremely unlikely at this point.

mbb121 · 2021-06-17T21:42:50+00:00

I think in addition to the porn industry and commodification of sex, many people have difficulty with the vulnerability! Vanilla sex requires so much more vulnerability and intimacy, but that’s what makes it so rewarding. One of my favorite intimate things to do with my partner is to take long baths together 😊

Condom-Ad-Don-Draper · 2021-06-18T01:23:47+00:00

If only men knew the thoughts we think when they pound away.

Nothing makes you seem more like a desperate teenager, or a rapist trying to get off quickly to jump back out the window.

miphasgraceful · 2021-06-17T23:47:59+00:00

Tantra: having sex with someone

BDSM: doing sex to someone

When I fully accepted this, I no longer wanted anything to do with bdsm. And after having several soulful tantric sex sessions, it’s all my body longs for. The tension, the level of vulnerability between partners, builds so much trust. The orgasms end up being explosive. You come away from tantra feeling closer to your partner instead of used.

daenerysstormbornfan · 2021-06-18T01:14:00+00:00

I love “vanilla” sex! Also known as sex. I also refuse to give blowjobs (I never have and never will) and only have mutually pleasurable vaginal sex. Although, I never demanded this from the guys I’ve dated they still loved eating me out despite my objection to reciprocate.

Pale_Yam_Straw · 2021-06-17T21:06:34+00:00

Great thread idea, ESPECIALLY the active, "let's collect ideas" approach!

I am curious about Breath Work now. Thanks for the list!

My bf and I both had some ideas about sex in our heads that were clearly inspired by porn culture. We tried them out and threw most of them away fast. I am glad I found a partner who is like me in that regard: let's try it out and throw it away if it's bad, including stuff you fund okay but what the other didn't like.

Also, foreplay ftw! Vanilla is just THE essence of the sexual aspect of a relationship to me.

Favourites:

Non-erotic massage (we are both often uncomfortable and tense after work) that turns sexy but not necessarily into sex

Dirty talk via WhatsApp, mixed with honest romance and compliments

officialvevo · 2021-06-18T13:30:53+00:00

I hate when people assume that just because I hate porn, I must be a sex-hating prude. I have a high sex drive and I love sex. Porn is absolutely nothing like real mutually enjoyable sex.

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sarahbae03 · 2021-06-18T13:18:21+00:00

I'm getting hot just reading that list.

Frogspocket · 2021-06-18T10:29:52+00:00

This is my favorite post ever on this sub because it's so validating. I can't talk about sex with my friends any more because i'm so bored by "kinky" people. And listening to them just makes me feel sad. For a while it was hard to put my finger on why though (it seems like such a ridiculous thing to trigger a sadness response over) but then I realized...it's because I'm sad for women in general. It's not fair that women have been robbed of one of life's best experiences and manipulated into thinking everything's fine. Most women will live and die without experiencing good sex. That's fucking devastating. And it's a symptom of the astronomical unbalance of patriarchy. My friends are caught up in competing with each other to be the "kinkiest" most sex posi. They mock vanilla to save face and insist they don't want it. But in my eyes they may as well be virgins because they're missing out on so much. I'm open minded about actual kinky people. I think kink can be fine after you've mastered "vanilla" or if it's genuinely your true desire. But when every single person identifies as "kinky" and calls their bf daddy and wants to be tied up choked and spit on it's just ..sad. I feel like it's gaslighting. Idk. I'm rambling, but anyway, thank you for this post.

BetterDeparture436 · 2021-06-18T00:01:41+00:00

Damn.. how great would all that be? Almost makes me wanna again (lol) Women go wgtow for a reason...men have let us down for so long..many of us (especially older more weary ones) tend to just give up...however, point taken about this being a dating strategy site and not a going our own way site.. sometimes we women lose sight of the prize which can actually be a loving high value connection (be it with man or woman)

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JimmyTingus · 2021-06-17T21:58:14+00:00

You might enjoy this book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6105434-passionate-marriage

Hhjjuuy · 2021-06-18T08:17:43+00:00

And recommended books/resources on tantric sex?

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Title	A Case for "Vanilla" Sex
Author	ArugulaIsAwesome
Upvotes	568
Comments	66
Date	June 17, 2021 7:46 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/o25z33/a_case_for_vanilla_sex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/a-case-for-vanilla-sex.784602 https://theredarchive.com/post/784602

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