So I’ve finally found myself a BF who I consider to be HVM, but I can’t share most of our updates because my friends misinterpret or place their pickme opinions onto it.

The problem is I love these girls. They’ve all Queens in my books and they’re like family to me. They’ve been there for me through thick and thin, they’re successful (like getting Masters degrees and amazing careers), loving, hilarious, caring and we all support and celebrate each other’s successes in life. Except for dating. When we’re not talking about dating and relationships, it’s fulfilling, wholesome and wonderful.

For example, my BF and I (who both have very demanding schedules) recently had a miscommunication about our plans. I thought he was “ignoring” my calls (it was nothing serious, but I did feel triggered from trauma, thinking he was starting to play games or make power plays like my abusive exes did) but it took me a few hours to realise we got our days mixed up and I was actually trying to call him while his phone was switched off for a work meeting lol. In a huff, I decided to keep myself busy by doing a home workout and calling my friend in the meantime. I told her that my BF has ignored my calls today and that it’s completely out of character for him. She proceeded to tell me it’s probably something I did (so she’s blaming me) and that I need to be more proactive and chase after him (“communicate more”, keep trying to call, text him a long message, double text, triple text, etc) because maybe i’m not putting in enough effort so he’s now ignoring me. She even suggested I apologise and be more reassuring because i might have scared him off 🤡. Oh honey, no. (Btw my BF and I sorted this miscommunication easily and maturely. I apologised and we had a good laugh about it).

Other times I’ll share something exciting about my relationship but you can tell they’re a little bit upset that they haven’t been able to experience that themselves or haven’t escaped the abusive cycle- like they’re really happy for me and celebrate with me but they also go a bit quiet… They tell me they wish they had a BF that respected them but when I tell them the efforts I made and about FDS suddenly i’m being told I’m too mean, wrong or that it’s TOO MUCH EFFORT. They also say I must be making dating really difficult for my BF because of my high standards and ruthlessness in the way I talk about men (he tells me he loves these aspects about me). Now I’m definitely not acting like FDS is a prophecy or I’m a saint, but I merely suggest an alternative because their dating strategy is clearly failing them. It’s not even like I’m being unreasonable or extreme: i’m just suggesting FDS-approved things like therapy, working on self-worth, focussing on your health and self-improvement, understanding boundaries, looking out for red flags or signs of narcissism, etc. But instead it’s always back to tinder + “hoe-phase” + toxic men 🤡. Then they wonder why they can’t get a BF like my BF that actually respects them. I don’t want to pressure them, so I don’t push for FDS after the first or second attempt, but it’s just sad they don’t think they should raise their standards and they don’t see what they’re worth like I do.

And this is not a one off thing. Some of my friends will tell me my standards for no IG models is “insecure”, suggesting that I work on my self esteem. Same with no 50/50, no walk dates, no lazy broke men, blocking exes, etc. Apparently those things are "mean". My friends ignore my advice which i give to them calmly and maturely, but they’re scared it will scare men away. Although I love to being my friends’ first shoulder to cry on or to join in laughter over their entertaining dating blunders, it can sometimes be frustrating I’m seeing them go around in circles of constant defeat with men who gaslight or play games with them. I hate having to pick up my friend’s shattered pieces every time they let an abusive man into their life who they refuse to see as abusive. I’ll always be there for them but it saddens me to see them this way. I’m seeing how they’re basically hurting themselves and constantly getting heartbroken.

I love talking about relationships and anything that’s talked about on FDS but I feel like I can’t talk about it to them anymore. It kinda gets awkward because then I have no one to share my FDS-related experiences with. I have experienced so many wonderful things from my BF because he is HV, and had my own realisations/growth according to FDS standards. I never want to brag about my BF on social media (just seems so wrong and a waste of time) but I do want to share those joys, realisations and struggles/growth with my close friends. Especially after they’ve been there for me and seen how crushed, depressed and abused I was by my exes.

I feel like the more I level up, the less I have in common (dating-wise) with people who are actually really lovely and I love spending time with them. But I also love talking about FDS. Don’t get me wrong, I know I can just use this subreddit because there’s so many of you lovely Queens to interact with, but it would be really nice to have real life friends who have a similar mindset or are at least open-minded to try this approach.

Does anyone else relate or have similar experiences? Or maybe provide some advice/perspective? I feel like my dating life is becoming more and more private (which I guess isn’t a bad thing) but I want to share and connect with my friends, not shut them out.

EDIT: Thanks to all the FDS community for supporting me in my little rant. I really appreciate all the shared feelings. Haters can keep on hating though- I think it’s hilarious they think I’m being “indoctrinated” into a cult and i’m being isolated from the world like an incel or crazy reject. Lol. The issue I’m talking about is just a small observation. I find it strange people are equating “I'm upset my friends are being abused but won't take my advice” to indoctrination, genocide and cults. Huh?! And making bizarre assumptions about my BF because he’s a good person and one of the few men that are actively trying to help us tackle misogyny.

Despite the fact my friends and I don’t see eye-to-eye in the dating context, I love them to bits and they also love me. I’m in a happy stage in my life, a successful lawyer who’s incredibly involved in so many parts of my community, I have a thriving social life and surrounded by many loving people in my life. Haters have severely misunderstood this discussion and have provided some very entertaining misinterpretations 😂😂.