How do you handle exes who, whilst not harassing you directly and having no contact with you, are still acting in strange ways around friends you have in common? Crying to/in front of them, tirades about missing you, asking them to deliver messages, etc?

highoncatnipbrownies · 2021-11-22T12:39:14+00:00

When your friends bring it up just reply, "That is so sad. Would you like to get lunch I hear Taco Dan's is having a Tuesday special!"

It's called bean dip on the internet. Where you bearly acknowledge what the person said and change the subject (aka offer them some bean dip as a distraction). It's almost like grey rock.

everwonderlust · 2021-11-22T12:49:47+00:00

How to react:

Stop caring about what he’s doing, 100% - you can’t control him and what he does, if he wants to cry to everyone and whine about you, let him, whatever the fuck he wants to do, just let him show everyone how unhinged he really is - not your circus, not your monkeys!
Gray-rock anyone who wants to talk about him - Do these acquaintances even matter to you? Are they good friends to you that you wanna keep in your circle? If not, then it’s not their fucking business. Tell them that you do not wanna talk about your ex - put your foot down and assert a boundary - like, yesterday - tell them “I do not want to talk about him whatsoever, please respect my wishes” and then zip it.
What he’s doing is all a show yeah? His behavior is a typical cluster B-like, acts disinterested in your presence but when the toy is taken away from him - You - Golly Goshh he’s pissed and sad and whiny, and only nowww he tells the whole wide world he misses you all of a suddennn and makes these grand Romeo gestures so that everyone knowwwws how important HE is to miss you!!! Do you see how his tentacles are working to get to you? Here you are posting about it on Reddit - It’s working!! These people are what you call “flying monkeys” - they’re doing his work for him, for free. They pass on messages to annoy you and to remind you that he exists, because his weak-ass pathetic self lost his toy - you. His reaction is not about you, it’s alllll about how HE wants to be perceived - caring, a victim, unfairly dismissed. He’s gaslighting everyone he talks to about your breakup and they’re falling for it.

Best reaction is non-reaction. Zero reaction, and I really mean it. Thou shalt not mention him or his name or anything vaguely associated to him. The way you win with cluster-Bs is you do not react whatsoever. The best revenge is to live your life and ignore them completely. If you react even in the slightest, that means you care, and it’s food supply for the cluster-b’s. Stop concerning yourself with him completely. He’s bit the dust as far as you are concerned.

You blocked him on every channel possible yeah?

GlitteryMoss · 2021-11-22T13:39:42+00:00

"he will go on for hours about how much he misses me" why are these people putting up with this shite for hours? Seems they need to learn about grey-rocking themselves :-/ Just in a friendly and polite manner tell your acquaintances that you have moved on and have no desire to hear about this person, and that if the comes to them whinging they should think about how they want their own time to be used.

I had an acquaintance in college who had some guy I briefly dated come to her with some sob story about us breaking up. She was a very blunt person and replied "dude don't you have any self pride? stop whining and move on".

PeanutButterPigeon85 · 2021-11-22T13:08:34+00:00

Oh wow, what a weird situation! I had something like that happen a few years ago, albeit to a much less extreme degree. I was seeing a guy casually, but over time, it became clear that he didn't care about me or our situationship. (He even hooked up with another woman in front of me at a party we both attended.) I wasn't very invested either, so I broke it off. He barely seemed to notice, let alone care. End of story, right? Except that for about two years, he'd periodically send me weird emails, links to love songs on YouTube...it was so odd. I didn't know what to make of it, so I fully ignored it. After a while, he stopped.

So maybe just ignore it? Tell your friends, "That's weird," and then change the subject. If he reaches out directly, just ignore him.

edwardianemerald · 2021-11-22T13:29:46+00:00

It sounds like you need better / enforced social boundaries with your friends / acquaintances

hushpuppyebt · 2021-11-22T17:31:42+00:00

I realized that anyone delivering messages on behalf of exes was not my friend. Especially if they didn’t stop when I told them too. I had one girl actually think that I should be super flattered that some dude was crying in Texas because I was happily married states away. Tf.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-11-22T16:49:30+00:00

It sounds like you and he work in a field where everyone knows each other, so everyone knows he’s telling his sob story to them. That means that everyone realizes he is the common denominator, while you’re just living your life and are a decent person. If he spilled his guts at me like this, I would be distantly polite but think, “What the heck? We aren’t close. We aren’t even friends. No wonder she dumped you. You are completely inappropriate and this is weird and awkward. Good for her for leaving!”

Just keep living your best live, sis. He’s digging his own hole.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-11-22T15:33:18+00:00

He's manipulating you by proxy. He's bored to tears without you because he's boring and trying to win back easy entertainment. You're too smart to fall for his basic triangulation. Next time, just laugh at whoever is telling you he's sobbing in a coffee shop. They should feel embarrassed and stop telling you, and he should hear via the grapevine that you're laughing at him (every man's worst fear) so he'll likely drop it. Seriously. A grown man crying to anyone who will listen? Get professional help if it's that bad ffs. Not your job anymore

DieMadwithScrotacity · 2021-11-22T18:21:44+00:00

I wouldnt be surprised if he is an abuser who didnt get his chance to sink his claws into you. That might sound drastic, but abusers are not always stoic, "alpha" males, VERY often they love to portray themselves as victims. Crying to anyone who will listen about your breakup is likely similar to how disgusting Scrotes will cry to anyone who will listen about their divorce. They can no longer control you, so they try to control how others see you.

Thank goodness your acquaintances arent falling for his bullshit and are rightfully more concerned about your safety. Hopefully telling them to ignore him or to not bring him up to you anymore will cause him to eventually lose interest.

honeybeeroll · 2021-11-22T16:52:40+00:00

Yikes, what a nutcase. You don't have to care about what he's doing though. I am shocked your mutual friends continue to see him when he's behaving like this, tbh. It's their choice to listen to his attempts to manipulate them to manipulate you, not your choice.

I would recommend you tell your friends you have been and will continue to be no contact with him, and if they hang out w/ him, that's they're choice, which you'll respect, but you would rather they not tell you about him at all. Sounds like a case of setting better boundaries here (especially on your friends parts bc wtf your ex is being soooo inappropriate! He needs a swift kick in the ass to tell him he's being inappropriate)

JulyParade · 2021-11-22T18:22:57+00:00

If they truly believe he's unstable they should call adult protective services or whatever agency does welfare checks in your area. I would point that out to them and then ask that they not bring up the ex again. He's their problem, not yours.

burpleseaurchin · 2021-11-22T23:57:47+00:00

He is putting them in an awkward situation, and your friends seem to think you're their best hope for a solution. Tell them you aren't speaking to him anymore so you aren't their best bet for a solution. Remind them that they don't have to deal with his emotional outbursts either. Advise them to just tell him to get therapy or something, and if not everyone should just avoid the guy lol.

scorchedsouI · 2021-11-22T13:02:03+00:00

Just tell people that's your crazy ex if they ask. He sounds completely insane anyway.

GabbaG0ul · 2021-11-22T20:48:50+00:00

Oh HELL NO! Do not engage with this behavior! If they get pushy, demand answers, etc. Cut them out! If they are just casually relaying info, brush it off and don’t engage.

Optimal_Grapefruit_5 · 2021-11-22T21:26:08+00:00

Say something along the lines of "I hope he finds his peace" (*), then shrug it off and change the subject. Don't talk at length with the acquaintances you have in common; I'm glad in a way they're looking out for you but they're just acquaintances and aren't supposed to play owl post between your ex and you.

(*) Maybe mention you've started seeing someone else. That way your ex might back off since there isn't as much of a change of getting back together.

You don't handle that kind of ex because he's not yours to handle, he's someone else's problem right now; let him annoy his friends/acquaintances until they can't stand him anymore. Let him embarrass himself and alienate people. He has no power, he's just a fool.

PaunchyPilates · 2021-11-23T03:09:59+00:00

The people relaying the information back to you are "flying monkeys". Politely avoid them. These people are not your friends if they are telling you this information as a way to garner sympathy.

If they told you in the context that he was acting oddly and they are concerned about your safety, have them document this so you can take their statement to the police later if needed. If they won't write a letter you can give to police, then avoid them, because they are just vultering the weird drama.

Do not concern yourself about your ex and lock down information regarding your location as much as you can.

If you work a public- facing job, like a weather person or something, your employer should already have measures in place to filter you and protect you.

I'm sorry this is happening. Block him, watch your back and move on.

onceuponasea · 2021-11-22T17:47:59+00:00

Oof! That sounds like a Hoover.

IndividualRoutine661 · 2021-11-22T18:58:47+00:00

The man is sending in his flying monkeys? Set a boundary with them not to speak of him to you again.

I’m not sure they are really your friends though

JadeBaby2211 · 2021-11-23T02:53:51+00:00

When my ex threatened suicide over our past relationship I called crises services for him. Trying to placate an unstable man is not your responsibility, and it should be left to a professional with the proper resources. Do not under any circumstances respond to anything he tries to rope you in with.

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2021-11-22T15:38:10+00:00

Well, I'd make sure he has zero visibility into your daily life - but this is fairly borderline behavior, so I also wouldn't do anything he's going to interpret as aggressive. Move him to a special facebook group that can only see public posts and change visibility so he can't see any current posts. Explicitly block him on any social media of yours that he doesn't follow (so he can't track it down). You don't want him to see what you're doing currently, but you don't want him to be triggered by feeling even more cut-off than he already does. You're going to starve him of information about your life, so his interest in you slowly fades away.

You have a few options with the friends, depending on what your ethical framework allows and how dangerous he actually is. You can go direct, which is to meet him for lunch smelling like garbage and wearing something that makes you look 20 pounds heavier. Eat a lot of beans before you go, add some percussion to the restaurant soundtrack, explain that your recent gastrointestinal diagnosis has taken you out of play and you were too embarrassed to do a relationship in this state. Say you've been thinking about marriage and settling down, and have realized he's probably the best you're going to get with this new Dx. He's not *bigger* than your ex, per se, but he is so much better at helping you through these emotional valleys and that's what you need right now. Forget your wallet and have him pay for your lobster and expensive wine. Pretend to have multiple emergencies en route to the car and run back in to use the bathroom. This would work on most men who are genuinely sad about the break up and not just being an emotional vulture to your friends - he should move on promptly. He may send a text - don't convo in response. If he texts, you send a one or two line that's like "I understand, but it's not what I was hoping to hear. I wish you well" then follow it immediately with something snarky "I don't think you can do any better though, so check yourself." Then block him. He will run like the wind. If he's not the type to respond to this type of thing, you probably already know that and can disregard.

Or you can - if he's more psychopathic - start playing the same game back. You can always start spreading dishonest stories about him. Who's the biggest gossip among your mutual friends who can be trusted to repeat everything you say to him word for word, despite promising you that they wouldn't? Tell them about your ex's ED - not in a mocking way, but sadly, because it left him disappointed and that hurt to watch - and how it hurts you to deal with. Also his gambling addiction and debts. How his mother really worried that he'd never find someone and you think that's affecting his mental health. How he always slept with his childhood stuffed teddy and it was cute and you sort of miss it. How he liked to wear your underwear to work and you never really knew what to think of that. That will shut him down if he's an emotional vulture and not genuinely sad.

Or you can take the high road, move these friends to the acquaintance ring for a bit, rarely see them for a few months (limit their access to your personal social media posts too), keep it to small talk, gently ask them not to talk about your ex to you any longer, as you both need to move on and you lovingly ask them to respect your decision. This certainly requires the least emotional energy, and that alone makes it a very wise choice.

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