When I lost my virginity, I was 15, and he was 23. 🚩

I had been "masturbating" for a few years, but it was mostly just rubbing against a pillow or a mattress. I honestly didn't know what I was doing.

He would ask me, "Did you cum?" and I would say "Uhh, I think so?" because it was, you know, that kind of nice, 'finished' feeling, and he. would. get. PISSED.

He would get SO PISSED. He would get ANGRY if I didn't cum in the explosive way he thought I should. Sulk-in-a-corner type shit. I would feel guilty as hell and try to make him feel better ("No, babe, I did cum! Honest! I guess I'm just quieter than most girls?! I don't know?! I promise, babe, I did, you were great, I swear!"). And to be honest I didn't know what I was supposed to be feeling anyway so the answer of "Um I think so?" was like the most violently offensive thing that me, a fifteen-year-old girl, could have the AUDACITY to say, to a twenty-three-year-old man.

So I decided I would fake it, which means, I would just be vocally very extra when I thought it was the right moment. Like I think this is what they do in the movies? With their eyes closed and shit? This is what I read on a forum? I guess this is how I'm supposed to be acting to show him that I'm like "cumming" or "super into it" or whatever?

And he was very, very pleased. Finally, I was doing what he wanted to see; he believed he was pleasing me, which was so, so much more important than him actually figuring out how to please me. (I eventually broke up with him.)

For a while, I actually believed that this was cumming. That kind of nice, finished feeling. Just make it vocally more extra, you know, like they do in the movies, so he feels like he did something important.

I didn't actually figure out how to really make myself properly cum until I was about 19 years old, and it was entirely by accident. (My boyfriend--a different one--at that time hated sex. He loved porn. But hated sex. It was late at night, he wasn't in the mood, I was horny af, he fell asleep, I was fiddling with myself, right next to him in bed, and--oh.my.god. What was that. Can I...do that again? And...he stayed asleep, undisturbed, laying next to me, the whole time.) I eventually broke up with him, too.

How do you honestly know if you're faking your orgasms if you didn't know you never had one?!

For ever I thought, "Oh, yeah, I cum. It's that, you know, kind of nice feeling at the end." Until I actually came and was like OH. THAT WAS. MM. THAT'S what it's supposed to be like.

Ladies: you don't know what you don't know. If your feelings around orgasms are such like "Mm, yeah, it's ok, I have them sometimes," I would argue that you have not had a proper orgasm.

Good lord I wish that the US had proper sex education where women are actually taught what their pleasure is supposed to feel like and technical ways on how to achieve that, and men along the same lines are actually taught how to properly please a woman.