Men who don’t hold doors open

europoor24 · 2021-12-10T17:04:51+00:00

Some guys hold the door open for me in and out of buildings .. this guy doesn’t and he’s dating you? Hmm 🤔 seems 🚩

Interesting-Bat3992 · 2021-12-10T14:41:25+00:00

Let me share something with you OP. If a college guy I barely talked to exclusively opened doors for me and waited (I'm Gen Z)... why is a guy you are dating not doing it?

Aocwannabe · 2021-12-10T11:45:46+00:00

I stand by the door until he opens it for me. And if I am in the car, I also wait until he opens it for me.

There are 2 types of men:

The man who laughs and then opens the door for you. Because now he knows how you expect to be treated.
The man who goes on a rant about “equality” blah, blah, blah.

The man that does #2 IS a #2 but personified. I’ve never met a man who was a good partner to a woman that would balk at doing something so simple. It’s free and makes a woman feel good. So if he’s that cheap with something free and affectionate…🏃🏾‍♀️

PS What matters here is that this is important to you. And if it matters to you and he is a good man, then it will matter to him. The only people who have tried to shame me for my standards are men who don’t meet them and pickmes in bad relationships.

Spittens · 2021-12-10T17:03:53+00:00

Preface by saying I'm from a southern tiny town, so old timey Mayberry style politeness is ingrained in me, just like yes ma'am and no sir.

Men should open doors for their dates at the very least. It shows that they're doing their utmost to make you feel welcome and wanted in their space. Not only that, but men know we romanticize and love these little thoughtful mannerisms and actions. I mean, you see it portrayed as basic nice guy (no TM) 101 in the media. When they flat out refuse to do them, either by actions or by words, they're just being spiteful.

IMHO, he's setting you up to expect less and less of him. By letting you 'fend for yourself' so to speak, he's shit testing you. Drop him.

Automatic_Bet_8932 · 2021-12-10T11:55:35+00:00

Meh, no way a man goes their whole adult life without realizing this is basic common courtesy. He basically doesn’t care enough to impress you. Do with that information what you will, but this is the case.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-12-10T17:39:25+00:00

That's a no go. I don't argue with men to get the treatment I should be getting straight off the bat. No prodding, no arguing, no reminding, no hinting. He treats you how he treats you and that's his first choice and it represents how he feels about you and about women.

Like others pointed out, he knows that men are expected to be courteous to women and part of that includes opening doors for women and he's choosing not to do it. I would wonder what other courtesies he's chosen to forgo.

Men need to be on their best behavior with you. BEST.

Platipus6 · 2021-12-10T10:52:25+00:00

He doesn't think of you as his partner. He doesn't care about you.

Thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate men can't be trained. Read the book "Fed Up" to see how it's going for the woman who literally wrote the book on emotional labor to see how much of a struggle it is to get men to think of people other than themselves.

poppinkitty · 2021-12-10T13:27:06+00:00

Usually when I'm with someone, the guy enters before me and holds the door for me. I can't picture it any other way. How's not opening the door works, like he just enters without looking at you?..if that's the case I would next him.

relampagos_shawty · 2021-12-10T10:48:01+00:00

Well it is intentional. If he’s an adult he knows that holding open doors for women is a thing, he just chooses not to do it or not to do it for you. You could ask him to, but there’s a possibility that he’ll resent you for asking. All the guys I’ve ever dated held doors open for me without me asking but I guess try asking and see what happens

GlitteryMoss · 2021-12-10T15:51:26+00:00

I open doors or hold doors for people walking with me into a building because it is normal politeness towards others. I definitely expect the same from anyone walking with me. I see no reason why a guy going to dinner or theater with you would not do the same.

I am just saying this in case he starts on some rant about equality, because equality does not mean people should stop polite manners with each other.

vitryolic · 2021-12-11T01:19:45+00:00

Multiple men I’ve met who do open doors for people, then treat the act like they’ve done something special and deserve gratitude and praise- even if the other person didn’t ask or want them to. That’s why I don’t attribute opening doors as to a green flag about their character.

I see HVM will open doors or let me go ahead, or sometimes lead when it’s appropriate, not necessarily in dating settings either. It’s more about the consideration, eye contact, and gesture than the actual act.

For example, if I’m carrying a big bag, or they’ll open the door for me, or help me with my bag unasked. If we’re in a busy area they’ll be in front to clear a path for us. They’ll lead if we’re going somewhere that I’m unsure of. Or they might let me go first before they do if they can see I’m walking with purpose or in a rush. Again it’s about considering what’s right for you, rather than just the act to seem polite. If you tell your guy outright though what you like and he disregards it, you have your answer about what he thinks your needs.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2021-12-10T11:29:20+00:00

He doesn’t care about you. A man who genuinely cares would want to do anything for you, aside, it’s literally human decency.

Ocean417 · 2021-12-10T12:46:25+00:00

Just wait at the door a few times. If he realises it and starts opening the door without bringing it up or making it a fuss then see how you feel about it. If he refuses or doesn’t notice throw him out quick

Personally though I think you should lift the standards just a bit and end things. A HVM will anticipate everything. I swear every woman I know how watched videos or read tips on how to do the perfect first date/etiquette etc so men can easily do the same and pick up on it instantly.

Madholley · 2021-12-10T11:39:34+00:00

I love this forum for the zero-tolerance policy. I do think, if and only if he is respectful in all other ways and you feel his other behavior so far meets your standards, it's worth bringing it up once. I would just ask, point blank, "Can I ask why you don't hold doors open for women?" You can do this in a casual, friendly, and non-accusatory way. Just curious, right? And then whatever his answer, you can say, "I see it as a sign of respect." And leave it at that. If he opens doors from then out, continue vetting. If he doesn't start doing it immediately, dump him.

bullshitextinguisher · 2021-12-10T10:54:37+00:00

Next.

esvle · 2021-12-10T14:02:47+00:00

This is regional. In the northeast US men just pass the door back (hold it open behind them) like women do. I know elsewhere in the country a man would never, ever do that and always stand aside, holding the door while the woman walks through. Some northeastern men seem to realize that door holding is expected on dates.

Typical_Candle_5627 · 2021-12-10T19:39:41+00:00

i think men who don’t open doors and who walk ahead of you are psychopaths. i’ve yet to be proven wrong on this.

VanessaViews · 2021-12-10T23:14:08+00:00

I have a bad habit of just standing in front of a door and expecting it to be opened for me like when I'm just out with friends. I've had friends call me out on it and I don't mean to do it. I'm just use to having doors opened up for me. So that would be a problem for me. I'd probably just stand in front of the door and wait for it to be opened if he doesn't make it a new habit I don't think I'd continue to date him

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-12-10T12:32:09+00:00

It's important to me too, but I also understand that unfortunately many men are no longer raised like that and might genuinely not think to do it. Stand back and wait for him to give him time to open the door and smile and say thank you when he does to positively reinforce it.

Also you can casually bring up that you love old fashioned manners in men like holding the door open, or say one thing you appreciated about your ex was how he always did that. Don't give him a blueprint of everything he should do to impress you and don't go overboard comparing him to your ex.

fireforestfairy · 2021-12-11T07:15:44+00:00

I think this is something impolite to do. This isn't a positive thing.

IHaveNoUsernameSorry · 2021-12-10T10:56:35+00:00

Just stand by the door.

Competitive-Adagio18 · 2022-08-20T10:25:40+00:00

Well, sounds like a major red flag to me and something you should be thinking about. I mean the guy should have some manners right. You wanna be treated with respect and wanting him to open a door is paying him back with the same respect. So I think although you’re treating him like you wanna be treated, he’s not reciprocating the same efforts.. I’d just call it off tbh

Title	Men who don’t hold doors open
Author	ReadyHell
Upvotes	150
Comments	40
Date	December 10, 2021 1:48 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rcx1j0/men_who_dont_hold_doors_open/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-who-dont-hold-doors-open.1087696 https://theredarchive.com/post/1087696

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