Men with kids...

VikingPug · 2020-05-14T04:36:33+00:00

Go check out the Stepparents forum for all the misery.

glittersparklesglitz · 2020-05-14T04:41:07+00:00

I'm not sure what the "out of wedlock" has to do with anything. I can assure you that my ex-bf, who had kids with his ex-wife previously, was just as LV as any other loser.

Sage_Planter · 2020-05-14T06:41:25+00:00

I was in a serious relationship with a man who had two kids from his first marriage. It was a nightmare. Never again as a childless woman will I entertain a man with kids.

Davina33 · 2020-05-14T07:15:06+00:00

It’s just a negative for a childless woman to be with a man who has children. I’ve done it...twice. I would date him if they were all out of the house and financially stable on their own but that’s rare and the guy will be really old.

I just can’t!

GraveyardH2020 · 2020-05-14T13:48:19+00:00

I would never do it again. I dated a guy who was ten years older and had three kids (last one was born during our relationship which he kept a secret from me - divorced from their mother).

I cannot stress enough I would never ever do this ever again. The amount of drama and excuses that come up from these guys because of their kids is insane. And he wasn’t even a great dad. He tried to come off as one but would just take the kids to dinner or to a movie and then give them back to their mother. The ONLY time I ever asked him to “choose” time with me over them (I was typically encouraging him to spend time with them) was when an immediate family member of mine had a major health emergency (this was the sole crisis I had during our relationship). He refused to show up for me while my world was falling apart because he “needed to spend time with his kids” - I’m 100% sure their mom could have handled them for one night the ONLY time I ever had an emergency. He simply wouldn’t be there for me, and made it really clear.

I initially thought this guy is so great, I can handle his kids. But when I started to get serious about potentially stopping my birth control, I REALLY started to think about what life would be like. I didn’t want my kids to grow up with his. I didn’t want my kids to be around his ex wife. I didn’t want my kids to be around his extremely dramatic family. And then I thought, if I DIED, I would NOT want to leave my child alone with him and his dumpster fire of a first family. That’s the one that really got me. What would happen if I was DEAD and out of the picture and unable to protect my child alone. I certainly didn’t want my kid to only have that guy as a parent.

DaeYeNoKen · 2020-05-14T08:49:08+00:00

Unless the ex and kids are totally out of the picture, you and any kids you have with him will always have to have their needs worked around the needs of baby mama and her offspring.

If you have kids yourself, fair enough, you're in the same situation yourself.

If you don't, why take all that on? Get a man who can focus himself on you and your kid(s).

Reborn-Mood · 2020-05-14T05:55:02+00:00

Pros: He can help more because he's been through this before and ease our anxieties

Cons: He has to support more kids with the same income and indirectly our money goes to them, too

wootykins · 2020-05-14T05:42:36+00:00

I would never date a guy that has a kid. To me, these men are “damaged goods”. A guy that has a kid from another woman will be forever tied to the kid’s baby mama. This is especially true when there is coparenting involved between the man and the baby mama. Call me selfish, but I don’t want to share my partner’s attention or effort with anyone else.

Beforeibegan · 2020-05-14T10:03:28+00:00

Dont do it. You'll always be second best to his child, even if his kid is a hyperactive undisciplined arsehole (which it probably will be, because he will be operating under a heavy load of single dad guilt) and the ex wife/gf will ALWAYS call the shots and be a constant presence in your life and he will bow to her every whim in order to maintain the peace and see his child.

Been there, done that, they are damaged goods. As someone else said, go visit the stepparents subreddit and see how miserable those women are. I was one of them. He may even lead you on into thinking hed be willing to have a child with you, all the way up until years later when he pulls the rug out from under you and says he cant do it because its "not fair" to his current children. You'll always just be an accessory to his first family and he will drop you like a hot stone at the first sign of discontent from your side (which you will have, because being around someone else's child but having all the responsibility but none of the power is soul destroying).

Be prepared for the emotional load and stress of the whole experience to have actual physical ramifications on your health, and I dont just mean your mental health (that's a given). By the time it was over with my ex, I had frequent panic attacks, terrible dandruff which I'd never experienced before in my life, frequent viral infections (stress has a terrible effect on your immune system), muscle pain, nightmares and insomnia.

radical__daphne · 2020-05-14T06:20:58+00:00

If you get together with a guy who already has a kid you'll just be mom number two. That's how it works out most of the time.

VivaLaSea · 2020-05-14T15:31:21+00:00

Don’t do it. You don’t need that type of baggage and added stress in your life.
Men with kids get a HARD pass from me. I’d rather be single than deal with all that.

galian84 · 2020-05-14T15:43:47+00:00

There are exceptions, but generally I'd really advise against this. Especially if you're young, never married, and don't have your own kids. I dated someone with a kid for 7 years, and although I did love his son (he was a sweet kid who treated me like a big sister, and I loved it. And I watched him grow from a 8-year old kid to a 15-year old teenager), I wouldn't date another man with a kid again, unless the kid was grown and independent.

Yes, they are damaged goods. And the ex will ALWAYS be in the picture, and they will always be in touch, especially if they're good co-parents. The kid also doesn't just go away when they turn 18. People are returning home to live with their parents and moving out later than they used to. Plus, as a PP mentioned, graduations, weddings, family events, grandchildren.

I also had an issue knowing that I would never come first in his life. He had a young child to take care of, so of course that child's needs should come first. And when we broke up, I missed his son, but I never heard from him again, even though I reached out a couple times. The ex didn't want him speaking to me (he even had my name hidden in his phone, even when I was still with my ex).

And even though I'm on the fence about kids, if I were to have them, I would want the kid to be both our firsts.

After all, as a previous poster mentioned, men have no problem demonizing and writing off single mothers. And definitely be wary of men who claim they were "tricked" into having the child.

ErikaNaumann · 2020-05-15T01:08:19+00:00

Hard pass. I ain't gonna be nobody's step mum. I would rather go to a sperm bank and have a child by myself than be a man's second family.

Luckily I am child free by choice, so I don't even need to go to a sperm bank. It does limit my choices, because most people want children, but that's just how it is.

jayda92 · 2020-05-14T13:35:41+00:00

A man with a kid has already fucked up a nest. Makes him incapable of building a new one. You'll always have to deal with an involved ex as well, which is a hard FDS-no.

A widower would be another story, but if I don't have any kids, we cannot share that experience and that would make the relationship unbalanced IMHO.

I never wanted to date a man with a kid. Which was quite hard, because I'm attracted to older men (from very early on). It is/was a requirement to me: I want to take on that journey together.

kimadoll · 2020-05-14T04:41:50+00:00

Whether it’s the first or third, a child won’t be as exciting for him as it is for you. Men don’t love their children the way mothers do.

Communist-Slut · 2020-05-14T12:54:11+00:00

I'm my father's third child and my mother's only one biological one and my elder siblings have come to prefer my mother to their biological one. One of them even told my mother that she was more of a mother to them than their bio mum ever was.

Make of that what you will.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-05-14T15:26:59+00:00

I never dated men with children when I had no children. Why? Even my young head knew back then I’d never be first. Also, where I grew up was surrounded with men who owed child support , it was a hard pass.

Now that I have children, I do look for men who have children as well. I have high expectations- I put my children first and they need to put their children first. I still love my exes little girl, but he’s abusive so I had to cut ties.

There’s so many men out there....why date one with kids when you don’t have any? Weird flex to me. Also if you do decide to do it, make sure they’re on the up and up- they’re involved with the children, they’re not dragging the ex to filth, and they are paying child support, plus extras, plus visiting them regularly. Do not have their child unless married. Period.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2020-05-14T17:02:57+00:00

I don’t know if I want my own kids. As of now i won’t mind dating a man with kids as long as he’s a decent father and he has either full custody or the majority custody.

However I’ve met some divorced men and they’re extremely bitter about their ex wives. There’s also so much drama involved. I worked with a man who would always speak in a passive aggressive tone when referring to his ex. He would also be hypocritical - get pissed off at his ex for doing a certain thing yet then go ahead and do it himself. I would not be open to a man like this.

persephones_torch · 2020-05-14T17:41:57+00:00

Went on two dates with a guy who was respectful and had HV qualities. Kind, communicative...

Unfortunately I could sense he was more on a hunt for a good female influence for his daughter rather than dating someone for himself. I wouldn't mind that as long as he could see me as a partner and a woman, rather than as a potential mother and role model to his daughter first. Pass on that.

2020-05-14T16:53:51+00:00

I don't have a biological urge for children, so I'd love to meet a divorced guy w a kid or two, more if they are older.

Nightingale1820 · 2020-05-14T13:04:31+00:00

On the topic of loving your younger kids, I have four kids and love them all with the same level of intensity. Two from my first marriage and two from my current marriage. Being a stepparent/parent has been a challenge for my husband but I also think it’s made him a better person.

When I was younger, after my divorce, I dated a man with children from his first marriage. The man ended up being the problem, but his kids were lovely. I never believed him when he would complain about his ex-wife, because I knew it took hard work and dedication to raise such good children. She had them 90% of the time and he paid child support.

Broke up with him with no regrets, but I do still think about those three kids. We work in the same (large) complex and I run into him once or twice a year, so he’s told me how they’re doing. They are all happy and successful, which warms my heart.

So I personally wouldn’t discount a parent, however you have to do what’s right for your life.

bengthread · 2020-05-14T05:25:10+00:00

It's possible.

Title	Men with kids...
Author	saydeesalt
Upvotes	63
Comments	70
Date	May 14, 2020 4:24 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gjf7r0/men_with_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-with-kids.676208 https://theredarchive.com/post/676208

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