Queen Sh*t Megathread

letsberealforamoment · 2019-11-21T17:23:56+00:00

My exh was a secret alcoholic. He was forced out of the closet in May. He went away for military until September. On way back, he gets a DUI. I though "great this is his rock bottom". I let him come back with the caveat he cannot drink in the house around me and the kids. He was only back for 2 days when he went out, go drunk, and DROVE HOME bafck to me and kids.

I kicked him out then and there. It was hard, but needed to be done. I won't play second fiddle to booze.

skynyourin · 2019-11-21T18:06:28+00:00

Was severely sexually abused growing up so at 16 i fell for the first guy that paid any attention to me. He was tall ,dark and handsome and had just moved from ireland. I was a permanent foster kid and an orphan. So i had no one and nothing and felt like a huge burden that didn’t deserve love. I really didn’t recognize how beautiful and special i truly was and how much power i had over men. Looking back thats what attracted him to me that vulnerability. I recall our first day talking he had all the girls in the class flocked around him fawning over him. I pretty much ignored him my self esteem was so low at the time i didn’t feel deserving of any sort of male attention especially from one so charming and handsome. He came over and tapped my shoulder and introduced himself. Instead of blabbering on about himself like most men he asked ME how i was doing and wanted to get to know me. My popularity sky rocketed and i felt on top of the world. I went from the weird kid that had crack head parents that died and wore shitty baggy hand me downs (before that was the cool thing to do). I remembrer the first time we went to have sex i cried and hid his closet and he coaxed me out and hugged me and promised he’d never leave. It was everything i ever wanted and he gave me the validation and affection i so desperately needed. Obviously that turned to shit within two years i had no friends he was beating me and constantly cheating.He had me so trapped and isolated from the people that loved me that i had no way out. Until one day i realized i did, he didn’t allow me to get my license and would drive me everywhere. So i secretly got it behind his back. I saved up enough money bought a car and drove it to his house and packed my things when i knew he wasn’t going to be there(allegedly)Although he was with an ex girlfriend she had my clothes on and tried to fight me. I called the police and continued to pack my things. They arrived and i’ve gotten a restraining order. He had a complete mental breakdown and is still in the hospital dealing with his issues. His side piece still messages me time to time with fake accounts i just ignore her. I got my life back and i now know how to recognize the signs of an abuser early on. I am lucky to be alive and that i got out of the situation and able to form healthy relationships with men in my life despite what i’ve been through.

Uglyoldncranky1982 · 2019-11-21T18:58:26+00:00

I got divorced. 2016 was my hell year. I spent the year desperately trying to find a job after graduating at 33 in December of 2015. It was an endless stream of rejection. I also have a son who is nonverbal and autistic. I was unable to work for almost 6 years as they don't make child care for kids like him. He also didn't start kindergarten until fall of 2016. I felt hopeless. My ex was always on the lazy side, but he did work. But we were constantly in crisis. The bank account was always negative within 3 days of getting paid no matter how many budgets I ran. He never cleaned, spent all his time on the phone or watching tv, couldn't be bothered to help with our son. But I kept trying...then august rolled around.

I was doing the dishes, he was outside messing with his car. I looked out the window and saw he was on the phone. Then he caught my eye and ducked out of view. Right then, I knew it was some bullshit. I went outside to speak to him and he started whispering into the phone. 🙄 we all know where this was going. Well, shit hits the fan and soon we're headed toward divorce, but he hasn't moved in with schmoopie yet. Two weeks into the mess is when peak queen happened.

I went to a parent teacher conference. Told the idiot I would be gone for an hour. That's it. A whole damn hour, just watch your son for an hour. Gurl, this idiot got into a heated back and forth with his side piece and my son wandered out of the house pantless toward a busy two lane road. I came home and the cops greeted me. I screamed until he went to her house. He never came back and I got the house in the divorce.

Life is much better. I only make 35k a year, but I always have money and my son is doing well. Learned a lot about myself, what I was capable of, what I can do when I have to. I'm in a place where I'm actually happy. I used to have three to four panic attacks a week, now I have two or three a month when it's crimson wave time. My family helps me take care of my son and it really is so much better. Sometimes you just have to rip off that bandaid and move on.

allie4202 · 2019-11-21T17:56:37+00:00

[deleted]

Myaayu · 2019-11-21T18:31:47+00:00

Idk if it is a Queen moment but it was my turning point:

In college I was kind of seeing this guy from my hometown. I was attending college three hours away. We were never official but we went on a few dates, he bought me a bunch of presents, told me he loved me, etc. The whole time I wasn’t really sure how I felt about him, but thought I would never get any better so maybe I should settle.

In the time that I knew him he changed jobs every four months, something always came up at his old job and he had to leave. He had no long term plans. He had no real friends in the area, just me. And at Christmas last year he was telling me a story about how his dog peed on the Christmas tree, and he thought it was the funniest thing while his mom cleaned it up.

Something clicked when he told me that story. I knew that if I dated him, then I would be his mom cleaning up dog piss while he laughed. He was going to rely solely on me for all socialization, he had no concrete plan for how he was going to contribute to the household, no future prospects, and I started to see similarities in his drinking habits to a friend’s alcoholic ex bf. I dropped him so fast and haven’t looked back, almost a year later. The best decision I made tbh.

CSQUITO · 2019-11-21T17:06:29+00:00

I haven’t hit Queen peak - I know I’m close but the reasons aren’t actually based on dating. I’ve been dealing with chronic illness and abusive parents which have affected my college years. I’m trying to level up my career prospects but it’s hard right now, especially since without money and career prospects and being constantly ill, my self esteem is rock bottom.

NeitherSpace · 2019-11-21T20:16:36+00:00

I went on two dates with a guy and quickly knew this was NOT it fam, so I told him politely and firmly that I wasn't interested in seeing him anymore. This was back in the day of keyboard phones and grainy, regrettable nudes. Well, naturally, he threatened to send my nudes to my school. I led him on via text so all was in writing, "Oh no, whatever will I do, please don't, etc." Eventually I got the perfect storm of damning evidence written by him expressly asking me to exchange sexual favors in return for him not sharing the pictures. I screenshotted it, sent the screen shot to him and wrote, "This is the legal definition of extortion and exploitation via blackmail in every way. I will retaliate to the fullest extent of the law if you do not cease and desist threatening me to release pictures that I do not give consent to be shared."

Suddenly he was so sorry and blubbering that he was a really nice guy, no really. I never had an issue with that again or spoke to him again.

Disclaimer: sending nudes was par for the course in young adult dating ten years ago and I wasn't worried even if he did share them because I never ever included my face or any identifiable features/backgrounds. It's still something one should never, ever do no matter how much you think you trust someone. Learn from my mistakes.

venomoth91 · 2019-11-21T19:06:40+00:00

I blocked my ex on everything about two weeks ago.

We had tried staying friends after breaking up and I still had feelings for him, but his constant criticism was really hurting my self-esteem and I realized I was putting him on a pedestal and acting pathetic, so I had to do something.

I’m slowly learning to love myself again and unlearn all the negative things he said about me.

(I found this sub literally the day after I blocked him. I think that was a sign.)

tttioga · 2019-11-21T18:50:09+00:00

I’m still trying to hit Peak Queen because I know I still take a lot of shit from men that I shouldn’t be. But one moment stands out. I dated a narcopath briefly and he really fucked with me. I was so deeply ensnared by his love bombing, etc, that I thought it was some sort of fantastical love story. Within a few months he wanted to move in together, which, in hindsight, is just nutty.

My Queen moment was leveling up by realizing his true nature and kicking him out. He was such a clever sociopath, no woman had ever figured out his true nature before, and he was distraught that his prey had wisened up. He stalked me for months and I never gave in.

Now I’m a lot more cautious about narcs and love bombing. Still trying to hit Peak Queen though. It’s tough. Stay strong sisters!

GrayPillGirl · 2019-11-21T23:20:44+00:00

The real innovation that this sub gave me was to adopt a hard policy about waiting for sex. Since that time I have had many queen shit discussions with men who have the opposite policy. That one change eliminated all of the assholes from my dating life.

Saitschik · 2019-11-21T18:18:14+00:00

There was a guy I had strong feelings for back in the days when I was very sensitive, easily attached and naive in love. He knew it and flirted in front of my eyes various times with friends of mine and other women, presented me his girlfriends all with the purpose to hurt me. I never understood why since I had done nothing except for showing that I liked him.

Years passed, I moved to another country. One day I flew back to visit some friends and met him there by accident.

Suddenly he was all over me, bombarded me with messages and said he regrets how he treated me and never stopped thinking about me. I was like, okay... I already lost all feelings for him, never thought about him. Byt he still looked very good and earned a lot of money.

I more or less played him, made him book a trip to the country I live in now and dumped him during his trip already, because I realised it is really over. I ghosted him afterwards.

I don't know if this was a queen moment, it didn't feel like it cause I am not a person keen about revenge. But he paid a price for the way he treated me.

masterofthebarkarts · 2019-11-22T15:52:48+00:00

This is not in a relationship context, but I'm taking a course with a middle-aged white dude who thinks the sun shines out of him ass. I was trying to speak to the (female) instructor and he literally just started talking over me. I didn't stop talking and neither she nor I even looked at him. When that didn't work he tried to talk over me again, but louder. At this point she couldn't hear me, so I stopped until he finished and then resumed as if he'd never spoken, and our instructor, bless her, didn't so much as glance his way.

friendsisoverrated · 2019-11-21T19:01:04+00:00

I was "friends" on and off with a BPD (formally diagnosed) fuckboy for 3 years who would go through cycles of calling me in the middle of the night threatening suicide, have me run to his house to save him, and then once I would arrive would verbally harass me and try to fuck me. When I would reject him he would turn into a whiny man child and try to make me feel guilty by threatening suicide again// talking about how messed up and depressed he is. I once tried to cut him off after he sexually assaulted me and he convinced me he had cancer to reel me back in again...Finally put my foot down when he tried to TIE MY HANDS BEHIND MY BACK WHILE PINNING ME DOWN after I came to his aid when he was in a suicidal rage. Blocked him on everything 6 months ago and despite a few moments of weakness I know that I will NEVER go back to him and I will NEVER again put up with even an inkling of that type of manipulative, abusive behaviour. I give my heart and soul to the people I love, and I will never again accept anything less from any man who tries to come into my life. Still working through the trauma he gave me, but this sub has helped exponentially in my recovery. Love all you Queens.

carobonara · 2019-11-22T05:49:27+00:00

recent peak queen?

I formed a silly little crush on this guy a year younger than me at college earlier this year. He seemed so sweet! Tall, handsome, kinda dorky, deep voice, my sense of humour, you know.

We started spending class and lunch times together (what is this, high school?) and seemed to be hitting it off. We went to our town’s carnival and watched a few movies at his house. I was looking at him with such rose-tinted glasses that all the red flags just looked like flags.

Well, spoiler alert: he broke some boundaries in a big way. I got home at 2am and decided enough was enough - blocked him on everything, emailed my teachers to change class days so we wouldn’t be seeing each other, all the functional stuff.

Got through about a month of radio silence until some weird Instagram tags start appearing on my private account from what seem to be? Spam accounts? Oh well, report and block, no biggie.

Big biggie! Old m8’s going ahead and making multiple accounts a day to try and get me to talk to him. Writes a whole essay on how I “manipulated” him and he’ll “never forgive [me] for leading [him] on the way [I] did”. Saying I’m a cruel, manipulative being who has no care for anybody’s feelings but my own and will have to live with my choices for the rest of my life. Worse still, gets mine and my mum’s home phone number from the phone book and starts leaving threatening messages.

The Queen moment I’m most proud of is that where I would have loved to engage, to yell at him and “prove him wrong” and give him what for, I just... didn’t. I screenshot everything, reported and blocked, and took it all to the police. I also made a statement to our college. He’s their problem now.

Saying anything to him would have fanned his flames and I had no desire to engage. His obsession is not my problem to solve. Yeah, he’s got it wrong and it hurts, but it’s my duty to deal with that pain in therapy - not discuss it with him. What he’s doing is harassment and stalking and I called him out in the most productive way possible. I’m so proud of myself.

CuriousCatNYC777 · 2019-11-22T14:23:27+00:00

I demanded a timeframe for engagement after two years of dating. He came up with excuses. Even though it hurt like hell, I packed all my things, walked, blocked, and never looked back.

BF of 6 yrs started slowly taking me for granted so I packed his things in cardboard boxes and asked him to leave. He asked if I was serious. I said yes as I noticed he wasn’t treating me the way he used to. Went out on a date with another man the very same night.

Stood up to a harasser at work. The exposure forced a highly regarded top executive to leave and go to a lesser organization.

RoseBobtail · 2019-11-21T23:02:55+00:00

My ex-husband (55 M) and I (50F) separated for a year (he “wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore”) and had a short period of trying to reconcile, with me moving back into the house after he begged me to come back. His anger issues were a big problem throughout the marriage but he promised me upon reconciling that it would change. I told him I would be out of there if his temper exploded. Reconciliation lasted about 3 weeks before he had a major temper tantrum over me coming home at 8 pm one night. I was stuck late at work and my phone battery ran out. He never cared about me coming home late during the marriage, but this night he flipped out. The next day I went out and rented another apartment and moved out before he got home from work. Best decision I ever made.

Winter_Inevitable · 2019-11-21T20:36:21+00:00

I escaped a narcissist when I was 23. He lured me to another country and I pretty much became his live-in maid, chef, and sex toy with NO benefits for me (on top of that was emotional abuse to boot). After that, I took NO shit. And as a result, I was pretty much 100% single for 8 years. Then, in my 30's, I slipped. For wayyyyy too long.

saltyandpepa · 2019-11-22T02:44:16+00:00

I found this sub at exactly the right moment. I used to have trouble with men using me for sex or not wanting to commit. I took a long break from dating that was supposed to clear my head, but it didn't. I settled for the first male who was willing to be in a relationship, and he was 1000% wrong for me. Before we dated I looked at the list of qualities I wanted in a partner. I even showed it to him and we agreed he didn't have any of them. And yet somehow we ended up dating for over a year. I tried to break it off multiple times but I couldnt cut the cord. Finally we had another fight and he refused to accept any responsibility for his part, just blamed me for everything. And after it was over I felt this immense relief. Only now am I admitting to myself just how much I settled. Physically, politically, sexually, values, beliefs - he had nothing that I wanted! Through reading this sub I realized I should have gone out there and looked for the right person instead of waiting for one to fall into my lap. I need you ladies to teach me how to set higher standards and stick to them.

agnes_gruu · 2019-11-22T01:36:53+00:00

I'm still working on my mindset and making sure i guard my heart against people who dont have my best interest at heart. but because of this sub, i realized that i've been stringed along with breadcrumbs and low efforts by a guy who i thought really care for me. I spent almost 6 months of my 2019 for him, trying to have a relationship. Reading here made me realize, i should no longer give him any of my attention and stop being used. I was able to block him and i'm never going back to him anymore. So really, i'm grateful for this sub advocating women to not give up your heart easily and don't give them the girlfriend experience without commitment. They don't value it. They don't respect it.

ritablueboys1 · 2019-11-22T10:31:25+00:00

I was done with the constant disrespect. I dont have time to train a 39 year old bum on how to be a man..i wish i found this sub a few months ago

Lovelywings2 · 2019-11-23T17:49:35+00:00

For me, this sub has been more of a realization that at my core I have been a potentially high value African woman who has let randoms in the Western world define for me what my standards should be. I have been reading the Dating Over Thirty sub for a year and initially thought, wow this is an opportunity for me to learn the best way to date, living in North America.

The final straw for me was a thread where an unsuspecting woman talked about best way to enforce her new rule of no sex before 2 months. The comments from men were so revealing. Majority of the comments were claims that no man would wait that long, men need to know sexual compatibility before commitment, dead bedrooms, blah blah.

That was when it dawned on me. I have met some decent married men in the real world and I know even without asking, their wives didn't take any shit. I also realized that a lot of men on Reddit hide behind anonymity and pretend to be something they are not. I can totally picture some divorced, ugly, obese troll claiming "I would never date a woman who refused to have sex until we're in a relationship", like he has multiple women just waiting for him to reject them. The other thing I realized is that 99% of men are SELFISH and ENTITLED if they can get away with it, because they were never shamed for being mean, arrogant or self-absorbed like women are. They require sex in order to evaluate us, while refusing to offer the generosity, reliability and commitment WE need to evaluate THEM.

So f*ck that noise. This sub has really opened my eyes to the reality that men are not like us. They will use you and play all types of games to obtain sex while minimizing how much they have to pay you in time, attention and respect. In fact, I have come to believe that many nerdy guys (the ones who seem like they aren't players) secretly want to be in the position of ghosting a hot girl they just banged. A 'nice-seeming', pro-feminist, respectful-seeming Average Joe will rely on access to your body, your admiration and your feminine energy as the fuel he needs to show other men that he can be respected. Also, the studies are clear that marriage is GOOD for the average educated man. He gets more leadership roles, he does less housework, he gets access to regular sex, he gets offspring to be proud of, and mist importantly he gains the social capital and respect of OTHER MEN.

The only solution is to be careful in who you give that energy and access to. As he shows over time that he is kind, respectful and reciprocal towards YOU, give him a little more access. Date like Michelle Obama and Amal Clooney.

Do NOT let yourself be treated like a battery for a non-commital man's hero journey.

dangermommi · 2019-11-22T05:20:36+00:00

(deleted)

Flopsy6536 · 2019-11-22T09:11:24+00:00

I was in a vulnerable place after being dumped by an ex of 5 years. Started seeing this guy who gaslighted the shit out of me, got me to pay stuff and didn’t pay me back etc. Then one day I just decided fuck that if you text me I’m ghosting you. And I did! He probably didn’t care either way but it was a big step for me to see my worth and not let someone walk all over me. I learnt to walk away. I get easily attached so it was a big deal for me finding that inner strength

BlueJeanBabyBlues · 2019-11-21T21:57:32+00:00

Escaped the narc. Moved out on him with 40 hours notice right before I knew he was going out of town. It’s been over a year and I’ve never been happier.

pokersnob · 2019-11-24T03:59:25+00:00

I dated a drug dealer he thought he was al capone and he essentially was making me his sidechick, I had no idea that he was in another relationship until I caught him at a bar with the other woman. I asked her if that was her boyfriend, and when she said yes I blasted him and embarrassed him in public. He tried to talk to me in the street another day after that and I walked off like he didnt exist. I could hear his friends laughing in his face as I walked away. Cant say that I never dated another asshole but I surely never let them take my power again.

Lilly-Daze · 2019-11-22T15:08:34+00:00

I'm 21, I dated an absolute loser for about a year but I was blinded by my love for him and wanted to "fix" him. Dropped his ass about 5 months ago after realizing I wanted and dserved better! I'm so glad I found this sub a few weeks ago as its what was going through my mind fully.

allie4202 · 2019-11-23T13:26:40+00:00

I cut off the fcckboy. Permanently. 112219. Save that date bc I'll never be treated like an option again. Idiot.

2019-11-23T21:10:03+00:00

[deleted]

sigmahat · 2019-11-25T08:29:40+00:00

I've always had a little too much self-respect as far as most people are concerned. I divorced my ex-husband in my early 20's, 18 months after our marriage, when he decided that "married" meant he could quit putting any effort into the relationship or his own fucking life. I'd have done it quicker, but I was young, so I did the marriage counseling crap and gave him the benefit of the doubt when he claimed his behavior was due to depression/ignorance. Spoiler: nearly 20 years later, he hasn't found anyone else worth marrying who will put up with his bullshit, so his idea that he could keep being him and just find a replacement for me didn't work out. For him, I'm doing great.

The relationship after that, the guy treated me like a queen until he got me pregnant (never trust a man about birth control, ALWAYS use a back-up method, ladies). Then he thought he had me trapped and started stealing my money, screwing around, and was increasingly physically abusive. I got an abortion and abandoned most of my possessions to move thousands of miles away- I can replace my housewares, and he was showing the warning signs that he'd kill me. Always have some kind of escape plan, no matter how great you think your man is- if it weren't for friends he didn't know about, I'd likely be dead. Never overlook weird "just jokes", it turned out all those "jokes" were the truth. And don't trust that some static amount of time means he can't possibly turn evil on you- making him wait decreases the likelihood, but I'd known this man for several years and we'd been seriously seeing one another for a year before we got engaged and I moved in.

Thoroughly burnt, I was much more cautious, but I let one more idiot move in- one of my closest friends since middle school, so nearly 20 years at the time this happened. We were never really in much of a relationship, I felt bad when his previous relationship broke up and let him move in to "get back on his feet". We became FWB because I thought I could trust someone I'd known since we were both still into the Ninja Turtles. Previously he'd been consistently employed, though with a flat career arc and not the best money management skills. Once I let him move in, all effort in life vanished. I gave him a lot of chances to get his shit together due to our mutual social group, but I finally decided I'd do what I needed to sleep at night (kick him out but make sure he had gas money to get to his dad's) and anyone who didn't get it also sucks. His sister and brother sided with me. Some people not worth talking to didn't. Trash takes itself out.

I learned my lesson. I am my top priority, I always have a backup plan, and anyone who wants in my life has to beat being single. That's a higher bar every year, being single is pretty fucking great. I don't demand a perfect person, because I'm not perfect either, but I'm done playing mommy, wallet, maid, therapist, sex kitten, or any of the other objects broken people demand instead of a true partner.

friends4fanz · 2019-11-25T04:28:45+00:00

I’ve been a magnet for dipshits my entire adult life. Got out of a physically abusive relationship over the summer, then got back on the dating scene only to find myself being toyed with and used by fuckboys over and over again. I’m 26, thin, have modeled professionally, good job, and generally have my shit together, but I started to wonder whether the problem was me not being “wife material.”

After yet another fuckboy promised me the moon and the stars and then slow-faded after I put out, I’d fucking had it. I found FDS. Took some time for myself. Did some self-reflection and realized my boundaries were pure shit. I learned to differentiate between chemistry and fear from impending rejection. Learned to attach slowly and care more about my needs than anyone else’s. Then re-entered the pool.

I don’t mean to brag, but I basically have attractive, well-off HVM banging down my door at this point. No more bullshit. Men will treat you like gold when they know you don’t need them and will send them packing if they fuck up. Thanks so much for all your help.

lolumadbr0 · 2019-11-24T14:43:46+00:00

Queen shit and then some.

Let some MARRIED fuckboy who has preggers wifey at home try very hard to get me to believe his shit. I tore his asshole a new one and he went hella cold on me afterwards.

Message: You should be ashamed of yourself. Out of all the fucking shit I've been through in my life this honestly takes the Cake. And the fucking sad thing I'd I thought you were s genuinelygood guy. I had legit feelings too. You made it seem like something was really special but I knew maybe something was up. You're not going to leave her. I know it and you know it too. God gives Grace freely to everyone. I pray you get understanding and forgiveness when your head hits the pillow tonight. Maybe I'll leave the ambiguous door open for you as you've tried to do to me. But I atleast mean what I say. Don't worry nothing will get said about us. But just know eventually it will all come out. If you did this with me who knows what else you've done. Goodnight. And goodbye.

Response? : Holy shit I'm sorry.

mesmeriz · 2019-11-25T01:02:08+00:00

I'm still smitten over a fuckboi who used me as a rebound.

Title	Queen Sh*t Megathread
Author	tttioga
Upvotes	58
Comments	70
Date	November 21, 2019 4:45 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/dzm0or/queen_sht_megathread/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/queen-sht-megathread.688110 https://theredarchive.com/post/688110

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