Recent discontent with (potentially LVM) bf - need insight

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-09-22T21:16:02+00:00

Everyone left great comments, I just want to add one thing. Take the word “nagging” out of your vocabulary. Adults can and should be able to have frank discussions about expectations and boundaries and it sounds like you can’t do that with him at all without feeling guilty. That is death’s door for a relationship.

You two are incompatible now that his mask has faded and you are seeing the real him.

Namtara · 2021-09-22T22:44:39+00:00

Just a reminder, since I think you might have forgotten: LVM does not mean he is a bad person. Plenty of generally "good" men can be low value. Value is about whether or not he improves your life. From your post, it seems like you already know the answer.

A decision to break up does not mean either person is good/bad. It's about compatibility.

FemclFleshBeckyBones · 2021-09-22T20:58:10+00:00

Do you really want to end up with a lackluster dude that makes a bunch of excuses as for why he can't handle the average amount of adult responsibilities? A HVM would have their shit on lock on their own, no input from you needed.

This dude is not who you settle down with. Dump him so you can meet a HVM.

ello-motto · 2021-09-22T21:59:27+00:00

Just because someone is highly-empathetic, sweet natured and liked by your friends and family, doesn't make him HV!

You've mentioned a lot of FDS assessment criteria like him prioritizing your pleasure in bed etc, but that's not all a HV man is about.

At the end of the day, do you both share the same values? You value fitness, a man who has excellent time management skills, and a man that can prioritize the relationship.

Those are your values. That should be the bare minimum you vet for when dating a guy! (Along with the other FDS HV criteria).

Your current boyfriend is "working on it", and you're waiting for him to "get there", but you're just being another Bob the Builder. Find a man who is the finished product of what you're looking for.

As FDS women, we don't do build-a-man here. Men future fake about who they want to be in the future all the time. Their words aren't reliable, pay attention to their actions.

lilac-hiraeth · 2021-09-22T21:35:37+00:00

It’ll only get worse and sex, romantic effort and health will only decline, and these things are HUGE in a relationship. If he’s not constantly working to keep you, then why are you constantly working to jump through mental gymnastics deciding if he’s worth being kept?

apple_cores · 2021-09-22T21:04:22+00:00

You guys are only a year in and he’s already taking you for granted and acting like you’ve been married for 10 years. You’re not fulfilled and you know it’s only going to get worse as the years progress. My last relationship lasted about 3 years and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other until the very end. Now he was an LVM lol but the chemistry never faded, it only got more intense.

It’s very hard to find the whole package in a man so I understand why you’re torn but just remember he won’t improve; this is still the beginning of your relationship and he’s already complacent. You know what to do.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-09-22T20:27:08+00:00

You're bothered enough to make a post for others' opinions and you've talked to friends and family. That's already a red flag. Trust your own intuition.

Honestly I skimmed the rest as soon as I saw the disclaimer about his good qualities. It doesn't matter how many HV qualities he has if he also has LV qualities.

Queens don't settle or accept "decent" or "good enough."

Big-Respond8481 · 2021-09-22T23:22:30+00:00

This reads like you want our permission to break up. I want to tell you, if you feel like something is wrong in your relationship, no matter the reason, break up. You don't need anyone's permission but your own. And it seem like you are ready. Your list is very long. Read through it again. If your good friend came with that long extensive list of complaints, would you like to see her stay with that man? I know it is easy for me to say it not being in your position, but it is still true.

He is 3 whole years older than you and hasn't figured out adulting whereas you did. Either he is just a lazy bum or he has a condition that impairs his executive funcioning which he doesn't care to diagnose and accommodate properly. Either way, he doesn't make an effort to improve.

The laziness also shows in his communication style. He pushes arguments into the future which just means he will never even discuss the topic with you. He doesn't care. He just wants to effortlessly keep the current status quo. And when you break up he won't understand why because there were really no signs you were unhappy except you telling him everyday and him not giving a shit. I think you have outgrown him. Or his mask just slipped after the first few months of putting on his best behavior. One year is not exactly a long time for a relationship.

And did I read correctly that he shows vibrator jealousy? Nah, personally, I couldn't deal with that. Especially when it makes him unattractive to me. How is he supposed to get you off the next time when he repeatedly mantrums because of a toy? Doesn't seem like your pleasure is that important to him after all.

Listen into yourself. What keeps you from taking the step and break up? Do you feel your life will be boring without him? Do you just not want to be alone? Those aren't good reasons to stay, because you can always work around them by filling your time with new routines and hobbies.

You are allowed to leave a person for any reason.You are unhappy and not fulfilled in the relationship, you gave him several chances and he did not take them. You seem to not be a fit. At one point, for your own sanity/ mental (and even physical) well-being, you have to cut your losses.

shockingupdate · 2021-09-22T20:44:09+00:00

Honestly, this reads exactly like those “my boyfriend is amazing but” posts that we mock all the time in here. You’re telling us he pouts about being sexually inadequate, doesn’t take care of himself, and regularly prioritizes work ahead of you to the point of massive fights. Don’t you think you’re wasting your time with him at this point?

He’s nowhere near HV. He’s barely a functioning adult. You’re settling and you know it.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-22T20:49:42+00:00

So he's chubby, sucks at his job, and can't be bothered to bang you more than once a week and you're only in your 20s... He also won't discuss relationship problems with you and gives you "constructive feedback" (aka bullshit criticisms you didn't ask for, he's not your manager 🙄).

If you suspect a guy is LV and you're looking for confirmation, you already know what you need to do.

Get yourself a 666 who bangs you every day. ✌️

Muffcakelord · 2021-09-22T20:50:51+00:00

If you can write a list like this, it means he's bad. Also, if you have to make excuses for him, he's bad. Also, like you indirectly said yourself; if he wanted to, he would.

You either settle with the fact that you come secondary to everything else in his life, and the fact that sex might become a monthly endeavor sooner than you'd think, or you do your future (and perhaps current self) a big favor and raise your standards and dump him to find someone who don't under-prioritize you. It sounds like he takes you for granted.

spaceyAsh · 2021-09-22T23:46:52+00:00

I was in a similar position to you. I was unhappy in my relationship with a guy who loved me, was caring and good. For the longest time i gaslighted myself into doubting my own unhappiness and discontent. I came up with so many reasons - "Maybe my standards are too unrealistic. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I am overly critical. " On and on for months. All the time, gut was sending me strong signals that I needed to end things. I would feel relief when i was done hanging our with him, i looked forward to spending time alone more etc etc. When I finally ended it (at this point my gut was practically screaming at me), I felt AMAZING. Because I honored my gut and my feelings. Because I trusted myself to know what's best for me.

My advice for you is: Trust yourself. You are not too critical, your expectations are not too high. You are having these feelings for a reason. Honor your gut.

hopeful_flounder93 · 2021-09-22T23:47:37+00:00

Yeah, so I actually love my own company, and because of this my standards are high/my tolerance for bullshit low, but I've got to say, it sounds like you're putting a lot more effort into this than is healthy. I think you're with an LVM who thinks he "got" you, and has given himself permission to stop trying.

Think about it - you don't actually have any reason to be having a tough time, at all. None. You're not dealing with unemployment, poverty, sickness, or the responsibilities that come with having a family. You are 12 months into this relationship. This should be nothing short of fucking bliss for you. The whole "relationships take work" mantra shouldn't even begin to apply to you.

Sis, it's just going to get worse. In 10 (and 20 and 30) years, you'll be doing all the housework, taking care of the kids, and trying to force him to go to the doctor, while he ignores you & continues acting immature. The first couple years are literally the best it ever gets with dudes.

I'm already a nope, but what might help you if you're on the fence is keeping track (just for a bit) of how you feel with him, and figuring out the proportion of time this relationship makes you satisfied vs not.

Take those 5 days before his presentation, for example (which is bullshit anyways btw; I'm doing a goddamn doctorate and I'd find the time to sort things out with my partner - he's not that important): if you'd have kept track of your feelings for a week, my bet is you would have felt shitty for 5 days, then hopeful for 30 seconds thinking he'd sort himself out (because you ever-so-kindly communicated that's what you needed), then disappointed for two.

So you're feeling great for a bit, and uneasy or shitty or some combination thereof... 99.995% of the time?

S I S 😅

Platipus6 · 2021-09-23T00:25:34+00:00

He's not your equal and he doesn't even bring dick.

bonghits4jess · 2021-09-22T21:14:38+00:00

This is a very long list of negative qualities for a supposedly HVM. Please let him go already. From what I skimmed here I know he’s unhealthy and lazy, trash in bed, emotionally neglectful, and doesn’t deserve you. Get rid of him!!

Elena1684 · 2021-09-22T21:20:38+00:00

Add in a few more red flags and you’ve just described my stbxh. Let me give you a glimpse into your future.

Once a week sex seems like something you can deal with but it will get old. Even if he doesn’t want full blown sex he could still make time to be intimate with you 3x a week but he won’t and you’ll eventually resent him for that.

He’s going to get fatter and you’ll overlook it because you love him but at some point you’ll worry about him. You’ll cook healthy meals, encourage him to work out and he’ll do it but he will secretly resent you for mothering him.

Work stress will get infinitely worse as he progresses through life. He’ll either be upset that’s he’s been passed over for a promotion again or he won’t be able to handle additional stress that comes with more responsibility. He will cope by over eating or drinking.

7 years in he will blame you for all his misery and due to sunk costs you’ll stay. What you have now is the best you’re ever going to get. It will only go down from here.

arnezuara · 2021-09-22T23:52:55+00:00

When I once came with the help of a toy, my then boyfriend threw a tantrum. He was insecure about his dick (and everything else that came with it). Guys like him are likely to be hypersexual (porn addiction, fucking around if they’re handsome enough and know how to talk — you get the picture). They’re likely to cheat, if not already.

Your boyfriend sounds selfish. He lacks confidence. He lacks basic skills.

I know you love him, but my piece of advice: leave. I wish I made a post about my ex (also my first and only relationship) before it was too late.

These women’s advice would’ve saved me time, heartbreak, and other health complications that came with it (lost weight due to stress).

GabbaG0ul · 2021-09-23T00:09:55+00:00

You have a high libido and are into fitness. He does not. You are not compatible. LVM or not, these are two areas where you need to be roughly on the same page.

LetsGetin_Formation · 2021-09-23T00:43:09+00:00

It does concern me that your reoccurring excuse for his failings as a partner all go back to it being “normal for a long term relationship” when it hasn’t even been a year…

It’s not a long term relationship yet sis. Not by a long shot. Sounds like this is your longest relationship and you’re putting wayyy too much stock on how a “long term relationship” should be when this should still be the honeymoon stage where he’ll do anything to impress you, make love to you, and adore you. With HVM this isn’t a stage but a way of life. So, you might want to think about that.

Think of it this way, it only gets worse from here. I have no doubt you can tolerate this for another 6 months to a year tops. But it’s not a matter of whether he’s barely possible enough, it’s a matter of how long him barely passing will be tolerable to you. Relationships like this are a slow burn until you realize he’s favoring porn and other things over you. Hope you don’t have to get to that point but everyone has their own breaking point.

Ericaeatscarrots · 2021-09-22T23:49:39+00:00

It sounds like you want to break up with him but are having trouble reconciling that with the lib fem bullsh*t agenda forced down our throats our entire lives. Get rid of him. He sounds gross.

staywiththecrown · 2021-09-23T00:57:05+00:00

All I see are reasons to dump him. You don't need him to be a monster to leave, and you don't need our permission either.

You're not happy with him. Plain and simple. Life is too short to settle.

onelifetolive001 · 2021-09-23T01:03:30+00:00

Sis I literally just went through a relationship that was just like this. My ex is genuinely not a trash individual, but he did have qualities in retrospect that were LV that I should have nexted him for from the jump. If he and I had stayed together, I have no doubt I would have started to hardcore resent him for being complacent - and on reflection, I was secretly unhappy with him but rationalized a lot because he isn't your typical fuck boy or nice guy.

In the end, even though it is hard initially, putting your priorities first is necessary. Don't be like me and waste almost two years on a guy who isn't everything that you want. You deserve everything you want and nothing less is good enough! ❤

_cnz_ · 2021-09-23T02:19:26+00:00

Relationships get worse over time not better. If you see things going downhill in a way you don’t like, it’s time to hit the eject button now

Title	Recent discontent with (potentially LVM) bf - need insight
Author	prowlings
Upvotes	86
Comments	39
Date	September 22, 2021 8:14 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ptftd3/recent_discontent_with_potentially_lvm_bf_need/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/recent-discontent-with-potentially-lvm-bf-need.1074906 https://theredarchive.com/post/1074906

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