The "phone thing"

Sage_Planter · 2020-11-30T17:49:25+00:00

I have a bit of a different opinion here.

I work in IT, information security, and data privacy. You need to be extremely careful what you're doing with your data and personal information on your mobile devices.

For example, do you have financial apps on your phone? It might seem totally innocent to give your password to your boyfriend because trust, but then he has access to your banking information, and can see how much you make, see what your net worth is, see where your money is going, figure out how much your bills are, transfer himself money, etc. I'm a big proponent in discussing finances in a serious relationship, but that should come when you're ready, not when he's sneakily looking through your Bank of America app while you're in the shower.

With access to your device: Your will be able to see private conversations with friends in which they share information for your eyes only. Your partner will be able to access confidential information in your work email. Your partner will be able to change passwords to your accounts. Your partner can delete your messages, contacts, information, photos, accounts, etc. A lot of damage can be done by someone accessing your device. Your partner could even access your medical records.

I'm not saying to never share your phone with your partner, but please be super critical and mindful about what information they can access about you without your knowledge when they access your device. This shouldn't be some something that's done willy nilly.

chasingastarl1ght · 2020-11-30T18:36:23+00:00

We don't know each other's code, but sometimes we'll both be on our phones and cuddling and I could have a clear view of this screen, he's not hiding it. Or he goes take a shower and his phone is on the couch, in view, with notifications visible. He'll pass me his phone to pick what I want form a menu (or I read him a news article from this phone) - the fact that he is zero stressed about leaving his phone in my hand (or unchecked while he's busy) to me is enough.

I wouldn't want someone to snoop in my phone : I talk about stuff to my friends he doesn't need to know about (or secrets they share with me) + my therapist chat which is definitely private. You do have to trust, in some level, your relationship to be respectful, but people are allowed their secret gardens.

DV_throwaway19675 · 2020-11-30T18:24:11+00:00

I acutally do not let anyone touch my tech so I would not expect a man to let me into his devices.

From an identity security standpoint, it's just not a good idea to share your logins or devices with anyone.

ThrowawayKITTY777 · 2020-11-30T17:05:17+00:00

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Diamond_fairy · 2020-11-30T18:26:48+00:00

I've promised myself long years ago that if a man ever gives me reasons to doubt his faithfulness, I don't need to prove myself right or wrong on his devices, I just don't want that uncertain energy around me and he gets dumped.

We do exchange passwords (unlock, nothing else) and fingerprints on each other devices tho, as a sign of trust and respect. He also talks on speakers with everyone calling when we're in the car and I can totally use his phone or laptop if needed.

I steer clear from intentional random digging tho, for multiple reasons:

I would not like him doing the same to me without any actual sign of misbehavior on my part
He doesn't hide anything when he receives calls and texts, I see his screen quite often
He tells me his daily schedule, where he's going and who's with him. No female friends in sight.
We have no accounts on FB, Ig, Snap and similars
Looking his stuff would badly affect my mental health, as I know how controlling and codependent I can become if I start to fuel my own anxiety, due to a previous abusive relationship that reduced me to crumbs during my teens.

I don't want to unleash my beast no more: in my teens I broke into my ex mails and social accounts, but it was painful to watch, criminal on my part and totally unnecessary, as that shit doesn't come alone and I already had plenty of red flags to flip him on.

sassenachpants · 2020-11-30T17:41:08+00:00

Had an ex that would get pissed if I was too “interested” in what was going on on his screens.

Guess what happened?

Caught him lying to me about three other women. Caught him complaining about me to family members.

2020-11-30T19:01:21+00:00

I have passwords on everything that no one will ever get from me... they are MY devices.

If I had a partner who wanted to use my phone or laptop then sure but I like to be private and it doesn't mean I have anything to hide.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-11-30T19:10:40+00:00

My fiance just lets me have his phone for whatever. He doesn't even care. I changed all his lock screen pictures to an inside joke yesterday. I don't go looking in his phone and barely even touch it except to hand it to him, but I know he doesn't do anything.

So...a little of both? I don't look into his phone but he wouldn't care if I did. Same with my phone.

Toot--Sweet · 2020-11-30T19:29:01+00:00

I would never give my passcode away, not even to my husband. It's about my right to privacy, dignity & autonomy. If he made a fuss about it, I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship. For me, that would be a huge red flag.

That said, I would have my eyes wide open to any suspicious phone behaviour on his part: ie, he's suddenly texting all the time, angling it away from me so I can't see what's on the screen, turning it face down as I pass by, taking it with him when he showers/goes to the loo, acting anxious if I ask to use it to make a quick call, etc...

yolosunshine · 2020-11-30T19:38:58+00:00

Uh yeah I’ve trusted people with my life but never would I let them read my private correspondence.

That’s betraying the trust of the people who sent it to me.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-11-30T17:00:07+00:00

Yeah the only reason a man has a code he doesn't let his wife have to his phone and computer is because he's cheating or watching horrible porn or both. That's it.

ThrowawayKITTY777 · 2020-11-30T19:13:55+00:00

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QueensJuju · 2020-11-30T22:15:53+00:00

The way this sub talks about never being financially dependent on a man is similar to how I see a man having access to my data - if something doesn't work out the potential cons greatly outweigh the pros.

Divorce happens, even with HVM - vetting is an ongoing process. Think of all the LVM you trusted before this, all the times you were BLINDSIDED by their betrayal. I can do the best I can to choose a good man, but if I make a mistake I don't also want all my information compromised. Not worth it.

RojavaLover · 2020-11-30T17:31:33+00:00

People aren’t answering the question - would you give your code up and get his too, or nah?

I wanna know too.

honeybeeroll · 2020-11-30T19:18:21+00:00

I agree with your standpoint. Especially if you're going to get married to this person. I understanding not wanting to let a bf or gf of only a few months have unrestricted access to your phone (although hiding phone/internet activity would be a major red flag), but like if you want to get married, you cannot be keeping major secrets from each other. Except a woman having her secret bank account. Otherwise like if you have shit you have to hide...that's a major problem. I could only see a woman being comfortable with this we never touch each other's devices if she has no problem with porn.

Some light snooping on a man is fine, even if he's a good man like yours sounds like. One of my happily married friends did some light snooping a while back and her husband long ago gave her access to his email and social media. Her stance is if you're letting a man have sex with you, if you're sucking his dick, he has no right to privacy lol. I've never been serious w/ anyone but I get where she's coming from.

yomommahouse · 2020-11-30T22:59:21+00:00

Unpopular opinion but I'm all about checking their phones. I think most of us here would not cheat in a relationship..but the thing is most men do if they have the chance. As much as some of you don't want to believe it, but it's true and men need to be spied on for our own protection. I refuse to live in the dark. Men will hide a whole nother ass family on their phones. I don't t trust any of them...but that's just me. 🤷

gingerwabisabi · 2020-11-30T19:38:01+00:00

Ahh, the feeling of your guy only having a dumb phone :) I've never felt like snooping, but if I did I'd demand access to his computer and stand there so he couldn't erase anything until I got on. He could technically do the same thing to me... it's never come up.

Thejasminedragon1215 · 2020-11-30T21:41:01+00:00

I trust him = I dont wanna know because it will destroy me

11ben478xyz22hrtx12- · 2020-11-30T22:37:32+00:00

I don’t have a code on my phone but I know my husbands codes for laptop and phone. I don’t snoop on him but I wouldn’t like it if he kept that info from me. Suspicious

whokilledhydra · 2020-11-30T17:48:04+00:00

My Bestie thinks "I trust my husband and I don't need to mess with his stuff or see his phone because I trust him"

IMO there's a difference between trusting someone and fearing the possibility of confronting evidence that trust is betrayed.

The guy may or may not cheat, but if you never have to confront it, it will never be a problem.

lottienina · 2020-11-30T21:01:38+00:00

My husband has my phone and laptop password and I have his, and we have fingerprints for each other saved, but since we each have our own devices there’s really no need to ever use the other persons, and we have no desire to snoop on each other. I prob go on his phone and computer like 6 times a year. He NEVER goes on my computer even though he could, but occasionally, like 2 times a year he might use my phone for something.

I’ve got a bunch of his passwords for different things and he has some for mine, it’s not really something we think about I guess. If the other person asks for a password for something we’ll give it.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-11-30T19:26:21+00:00

I’ve never given access to my phone for anyone,including one of my exes who I was with for over a decade.

I have looked thru their phones though. That’s how I found out that aforementioned ex was cheating on me. I’ll look through yours but you will never look through mine.

iliaxaz · 2020-12-01T00:26:50+00:00

I’ve commented this before on another post, but there are too many secrets that can be hidden away on a phone. I’ve seen posts on r/relationshipadvice of girls finding out their intimate pictures were posted onto forums, cheating, making fun of their SO to friends/randos, and worst of all, disgusting and illegal “kinks” (beastiality, ddlg, in*est, CP, etc.).

I even saw a post where a girl found out she was being drugged and raped by her partner, who then proceeded to upload it onto sites, by going through his phone. I believe she wasn’t even deliberately going through his phone.

Imo, a phone is a person’s entire personality. I want to know who I’m involved with and if they’re not okay with me being randomly snoopy once a year, then I’m more than okay not being with them. But, I am straight up with it in the beginning of the relationship. We have a conversation to set up boundaries, so they have an understanding and it’s just not out of the blue.

throwRA8935747835 · 2020-11-30T18:19:05+00:00

Meh, I know my partner's code (or he has told me a few times, but it never really sticks) and we are quite open about those things. He has also shared his code to socials once or so, but I haven't. If things (God forbid) went south, I wouldn't want to have any man have access to my stuff. He hasn't asked, but I am also not hiding my phone or anything like that.

NotSoSmartChick · 2020-11-30T18:37:22+00:00

People who have nothing to hide hide nothing. I don’t want someone snooping through my phone looking for something, but if I’m in a relationship, there’ll be nothing inappropriate on my phone.

I expect the same in a man. I don’t want to look, but I expect looking to be an option.

West-Cook · 2020-11-30T18:52:10+00:00

I’ve got the best of both worlds. My husband thinks “I Trust West-Cook, so I have no problem with her having access to my phone and accounts” AND “I trust West-Cook, so I don’t need to mess around with her phone and accounts.” I know all his passwords and have my finger print saved on his phone. He has none of mine. If he needs my phone, like say I ask him to check my texts while I’m driving, he’ll ask for the code but has never made it a point to memorize it.

I honestly think the above is the most FDS way of it. That said, I think your thought process makes more sense than your friend’s. If he has an issue sharing, then there’s something he doesn’t want seen.

Title	The "phone thing"
Author	ThrowawayKITTY777
Upvotes	110
Comments	46
Date	November 30, 2020 4:48 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k3zk6k/the_phone_thing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/the-phone-thing.329312 https://theredarchive.com/post/329312

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