Thoughts on long-distance?

shedipity · 2021-09-05T12:33:08+00:00

i honestly think long distance could only work if you have already been in a committed relationship for years or are in a solid marriage and then something comes up with work etc. not a long distance relationship to begin with, it’s never worked for me and i won’t do it again.

thediverswife · 2021-09-05T13:07:28+00:00

Long distance without a mutually agreed upon ending date is a recipe for disaster. Plus life can throw curveballs at you that you’ll wish you could handle with a partner beside you. Two months really isn’t long. I would continue going out with other people and making sure my attention is on my life and what I’m doing.

Platipus6 · 2021-09-05T11:36:34+00:00

Long distance isn't a real relationship. 2 months 😩

It's reserved for people who have known each other for years, are married, and one is sent on deployment or something and is coming back.

Cherish the memories. Focus on your studies.

He probably wants exclusivity because he doesn't want another man getting into "his" vagina that he "spent" so much time and effort on.

anxious-american · 2021-09-05T14:32:15+00:00

I live in the American south and dated a Canadian once... My opinion:

It's hard to really get to know someone over the internet. In real life you can see if he tips the waiter, how angry he gets with traffic, just generally how he reacts to problems in real time. You can get a feel for how he treats people that aren't you, and how well he keeps his cool when frustrations arise throughout the day.

But when you know someone online, you only get to see the version of themselves they've crafted for you- You don't get to see how he treats other people/situations for yourself as much as you would if you were there. This makes it easier for LVM to lie about what they're like off the internet, since you pretty much only see the bits of their character they want you to know about them.

I know you spent two months with him in person, but during the forst two months, men are on their best behavior... So I wouldn't really trust him to stay exactly the same once he gets more comfortable with you.

In my opinion, LDRs can work, but they're risky. Eventually you'll need to have it stop being an LDR and have one of you move to see if it works out then before you get married, but you may not want to move that far without the promise of commitment

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-09-05T13:53:48+00:00

I was in LDR twice, and it was living hell.

spiderunderweb · 2021-09-05T11:38:10+00:00

This is such a bad idea. If you only have been together for two months and now not going to see each other, it’s best to break it off.

edelbiatch · 2021-09-05T14:01:28+00:00

I'm in a long distance relationship with a HVM. It can work but I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

The relationship will progress much more slowly than a non LDR relationship. He has more opportunities to hide bad behavior and red flags.
Be aware that a LDR can be extremely beneficial for an LVM. An LDR is basically a bit like being single, he can still do what he wants to bc you're not gonna find out. And when you visity he can put up a show and spend some nice time and have extra passionate sex (if you plan to have sex). Meanwhile, you're not gonna catch him on his lies. Also, I feel like mentioning here that you shouldn't send him nudes and if you do, only those where you are notbidentifiable if they are leaked (not showing your face, tattoos, scars, personal objects in the background). But for safety reasons, I think that you should not send nudes. Some spicy texts or phone calls should do the job. If he is trying to pressure you, you know you need to dump him.
You're gonna spend an idiotic amount if money and all your vacations to spend time with him just to find out if he is worth it.
Depending on Covid restrictions, you might not be able to see each other for a long time.

So these are the downsides and you should be very aware of them. However, I personally decided to be in an LDR bc I was not gonna let distance ruin my chances with the only HVM I ever met. It works for me and my bf and it's not impossible. There are some positive sides too. Being in another country will basically feel like being single maybe except you're not gonna date other men if you're exclusive. You are less likely to fall into the trap of being codependent since you live your life without him. You are less focused on physical intimacy. Written communication can sometimes be more clear and reliable (as someone who fell for gaslighting in the past it feels extra safe to be able to reread old texts). The time you spend together is extra intense.

There are possibilities to vet even in LDR. Is he consistent in his communication? Is he considerate towards you? Does he respect your daily schedule, sleeping times, etc? Is he honest about things that might make you upset? Does he communicate well? How does he deal with you having an independent life? Does he encourage you to pursue your dream, go out and have fun? Is he proud and supportive of you?

How does the time you spend together look like? Does he expect you to visit him all the time or is he also willing to visit you? Does he introduce you to his friends? Does he plan nice dates for you or does he expect you to "hang out"? Does he put extra effort to showing you his affection despite the distance?

How does your future look like? Does he consider your desires in future? Would be he willing to migrate to another country for you? Does he encourage you to pursue your career? Or does he expect you to come back to him with no effort on his side? It's absolutely necessary to talk about future plans bc I don't think that a long distance relationship without an ending date is worth it.

So proceed with caution and vet vet vet. Ask all the right questions. Demand answers and see how he participates in the discussions. Listen to his actions, not his words. If you have doubts and insecurity whether he is speaking the truth, end it. It only works if he consistently earns your trust. Don't be afraid to end it if it doesn't satisfy you. I wish you good luck.

Sister_cat · 2021-09-05T11:44:08+00:00

I’m sorry to tell you, but it’s a terrible, terrible idea :( let go and focus on your studies. I was in a 2 year long distance relationship and it was emotionally draining, exhausting, and so bad for my mental health. Long distance will never be worth it; it will always hurt your feelings even if you’re with the right person

katiekat0214 · 2021-09-05T20:38:50+00:00

I did that for three years with my now late husband, but he and I both are/were demisexual, long before we knew that term. For us, it strengthened and deepened the bond even more. We had both divorced, both wanted to marry again, and we made absolutely sure that we were on the same page about everything. We had a rather sweet Victorian epistolary romance during the 90s, but it was the discussing everything and the free-flowing, ongoing, all-over-the-map conversation that felt like we picked up from another life that was the real joy.

Follow your heart and your head here. LDRs don't have to sugarcoat; you can tell a lot from what people say and how they say it. Always go with your gut and don't ignore it. For me, it was all green flags every step of the way, and I hope it's the same for you. Best of luck.

thelionmermaid · 2021-09-05T13:45:52+00:00

If he genuinely wants to stay in your life, there's no need for a title. He can prove his sincerity by making the effort to stay in touch and woo you as best as he can while you're away. He needs to earn your affections and trust. No need to break up, but also no need to go exclusive.

Say it as it is... You are into him, hut he's not your top priority and you have experiences to be had, friends to be made, etc. The future is unknown, and you are still unsure about him.

jupitarianrise · 2021-09-05T15:15:11+00:00

It’s not worth it, sis.

There’s a huge risk of him changing within the next few months (mask slipping) and you becoming his side chick/pen pal when he needs attention and women irl aren’t giving him any.

It happened to me, it was a nightmare. I’ll never do it again. Imagine falling in love with someone who doesn’t bother loving you back, because they know damn well, in the back of their minds, that a “normal” relationship with a woman by their side is 1000x better/easier.

Do you really want to take the risk?

HappyCoconutty · 2021-09-05T15:17:52+00:00

How frequently will you two visit each other? I thrived off long distance. There were no concerns about infidelity but we were both older and very committed

BasieSkanks · 2021-09-05T17:14:50+00:00

I was in a long distance relationship during university, and I personally wouldn’t recommend it. You’ll be spending a lot of money seeing each other and you’ll miss out on meeting people closer to you. Long distance can work, but there has to be an agreed end date (where the gap closes) and you both have to be willing to work around the challenges, because it’s really not easy.

Gourmay · 2021-09-05T18:08:43+00:00

I was in a very fulfilling long-distance relationship for six years (I’m a dual citizen and travelled a lot for jobs so it was rather an inevitability in my life). it really helped me achieve my career goals: I had companionship and support but also more time to study and work. I wouldn’t do it now because I am after a different kind of relationship but if I were you I would ask myself what you are after and ask him the same. Is the goal to stay together so you can eventually plan for a future in the same location?

I have also been in LD relationships that really didn’t work and I should have known from the start because the guy put in no effort to maintain a connection. The most important factor is not how much you like him but how much effort he’ll put in. If you do want to try I would suggest strong boundary setting early on and setting expectations for how and how often you’ll communicate and see each other.

The LD relationship I tried with was on the man's request, I said “ok but we need to be in contact at least every x days”. It took less than a week for him to break that agreement and come up with excuse after excuse. I immediately walked away. The good friend that I met him through, eventually had a huge falling out with him and revealed what an asshole he’d been to him, so I’m really glad I shut it down as quickly as I did.

So ultimately, discuss your goals and set your expectations.

2021-09-05T14:59:56+00:00

Long distance isn’t fun. Relationships should be fun. You can stay in contact and if the future puts you 2 in the same place, then revisit the relationship idea.

There is no reason for long distance relationships at any age. Might as well just be single and have a pen pal.

riricide · 2021-09-05T16:27:38+00:00

No, bad idea. You don't know each other enough to be exclusive it sounds like, let alone commit to an LDR. Starting a relationship with long distance is an oxymoron. If you're already in a committed relationship and then there is a fixed period of long distance, that's doable. This is more fantasy land because you haven't started a relationship and now you're doing long distance - that doesn't work.

If you have a fixed time period after which you both will be in the same city, then start your relationship at that time. If there are no plans to be in the same city, then this endeavor is already doomed.

ro0ibos2 · 2021-09-05T13:55:32+00:00

If you were in love and sure about your future with him, you wouldn’t need to ask this question.

Sweet_Bee_8839 · 2021-09-05T14:03:24+00:00

LDR are hard, but not impossible. Personally I would hesitate to commit to something like that in such a young relationship. I suppose it’s up to you to decide if you want to keep in contact id say go for it. You aren’t currently committed. So I’d leave it that way.

Business_Regret · 2021-09-05T17:32:50+00:00

Long distance at the beginning of a relationship is recipe for disaster. You both are just starting out. This should be reserved for committed relationships with long distance end dates. Cut it off sister.

Altowhovian93 · 2021-09-05T17:33:57+00:00

I have been in an LDR that worked, but it’s different for every situation.

for yours, you have only known him for 2 months, you are finishing up a degree, and I don’t see a thought out long term “game plan”. Are you going back to your country? Is he coming to where you are studying? Is there a plan for how you both will visit and maintain contact? Is this 2 month long relationship with a guy you don’t know very well worth limiting your social life and time for however long it takes to stop being long distance?

You are unsure enough to ask the internet to make your decision, I think you know the answer!

mitskiismygf · 2021-09-06T00:12:45+00:00

if you’ve been together for years & are going to be in a LDR for a short period of time, sure. i would never enter a LDR off the bat or remain in a newly-LD relationship for more than a few months.

PicoPicoMio · 2021-09-06T02:55:11+00:00

I was in an LDR marriage, ended in flames. Just don’t do it.

shamshels · 2021-09-06T15:48:02+00:00

I think LDRs should really only be a temporary thing for people who are already in a committed relationship, where something comes up that forces them to be physically apart for some period of time. If you haven't known each other long and there's no end to the LDR in sight, what's even the point? It would you keep you closed off from pursuing other opportunities, for a guy you don't know well and possibly have no future with. Especially if you're young and in university, you'd probably be better off just focusing on what's in front of you at school.

Title	Thoughts on long-distance?
Author	StandPotential
Upvotes	85
Comments	36
Date	September 5, 2021 10:55 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pib0o5/thoughts_on_longdistance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/thoughts-on-long-distance.1066787 https://theredarchive.com/post/1066787

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