First of all, I just want to get this off of my shoulders. I'm in a state of shock, and I'm trying to deal with it.

Earlier this week, I went out with seven people to a bar abroad in Asia. Most of us were winners of very prestigious prizes from different fields, and a few of us met up for a low-key evening. Everyone else at the table knew each other, so my activities were the focus of questions. I appreciated this, as it keeps discussion from esoteric topics that exclude me, the outsider.

I tried my best to keep to the high-points to allow the conversation to flow naturally. One person, lets call her Mindy, asked me a question and started to interject on a topic of my, lets say scientific research that was profoundly wrong. Her sociological academic background gave her some connected insight into the topic, so she added in a manner that seemed to apply to her research. I let her finish, and I added that I was going to give her unpublished information she had not read yet that would help clarify things.

Her face changed. She found my assumption that she may have not read (my unpublished material) to be highly offensive. She informed me that she read a lot, and it was insulting to assume she did not. I stopped, looked down at non alcoholic drink, trying to determine what was happening. A person to my side (Jackie), and the one person who knows me, came to my defense to say I was not "mansplaining." Then there was a discussion that used "mansplaining" as a core topic, but I don't remember much of it. My hearing and awareness went away much in the same way that your hearing leaves when you take a hard hit to the head. I don't know how else to describe it. Things were happening around me, and I was looking down at my glass. I was shocked that this topic, "mansplaining" became a central topic. I never really heard the word "mansplaining," but it wasn't that hard to figure out what it meant.

As a connected issue, I have some training in shock. Most academics have not had to put themselves through their education with a [redacted], lets say a first responder position. I've been trained to deal with shock, and this was shock. I've dealt with it and had it myself. There were some really bad days on the job, days where people have died. This is relevant as I have cruised around /r/mensrights , and have considered male disposability, since I have been that male. I have seen the arguments on "patriarchy" and how it falls under apex fallacy because of many things, the most personal of which is how society views my disposability.

While the words "mansplaining" were getting thrown around, and it was quickly asserted by my (thankfully) female friend that I was not "mansplaining," I took an assessment of situation. Again, training. I was at a table where this woman should have been shamed by being so presumptuous and defensive towards the guest - especially when no one else researches this topic in the manner discussed. She wasn't. Instead, it had to be pointed out that I was "different." Moreover, I had to be defended my a woman. My refutations would have been more "mansplaining." My only recourse was to look down and hope to be defended as one of the 'good ones." During this, the image of a black guy hearing how he wasn't a "n**ger," he was one of the "good ones," flashed to my mind.

I understood that i wasn't in a position to debate. I wasn't going to win. Worse, if she didn't like me and found me verbally confrontational, this information would get around and make my life hard. Men and women would come to her defense. I needed to make her happy. That was my only choice.

I changed the subject to allow her to talk about her abuses. As she was talking about this, I thought about how I was sexually harrassed by a colleague, where I was going to get a promotion then rejected for it because I rejected her overt sexual advances. I thought about my disposability, and how there was no place for this in her discussion. These were "outliers," and the small percentage of men at the top were what mattered. The larger percentage of homeless, imprisoned, passed over for higher education, killed and injured men were not important for this worldview of patriarchical oppression.

I have a fantastic relationship with many women, and I've been welcomed in their nice and collaborative environment. Frankly, its nicer and more helpful for academics than the cutthroat "screw you, lets see who rises to the top," environment of academic men. Women group together, and help each other out. Is there cattiness? You bet. Women pull together to help out, in my experience, more than men. This behavior works great in academia, and I tried to think of a way to bring this up to her without setting her off. The table had already shown itself for only mild restraint of her aggressive attacks, so I needed to tread carefully. I did not need her to ruin my career from a misunderstanding. if negative things spread around about me, I would find it difficult to continue with this group.

I mentioned to her how women were far in excess for academia for some time now, because she was framing "safe space" as female space. She agreed, but complained about the older generation. There was no conflict in her mind that this imbalance was wrong. Women displacing men in academia was good. I worried again about her unstable accusations and how it would affect me, and gave her all the space she needed to communicate her ideas out of fear.

By giving her space and internalizing her views on oppression, I feel like I neutralized the discussion. However, I am still horrified. Although my discipline does not have as much of this type of harsh ideologue, I worry about about interactions with women colleagues and students. I worry that the table did not admonish her for her abusive behavior. I worry about collective punishment, and how a retort on my part was censored because I cannot voice my own defense. I worry that I needed a woman to defend me. I worry that the ideology of patriarchy is based on an apex fallacy. I worry about not having a voice because of this ideology. I worry that I may not have a place in academic space because it is increasingly female space. I worry about the lack of concern about obvious gender inequality in post secondary education, and how this is OK because "patriarchy."

Most of all, I worry that this may be a trend, and will get worse. What happens during the next attack, when the next "extremist" attacks me from a ideology based on an apex fallacy, and instead of her being admonished, I have hope another woman is there to defend me. In academics, I will need to worry about this more than in many other work environments. I worry that I may have made a dangerous career choice.

Sorry if there are any grammar errors. I just needed to vent.