Emotional Affairs

tictacti1 · 2018-08-28T19:44:18+00:00

In a romantic relationship, emotional and sexual fulfillment are both very important. The level at which each is important, probably varies between couples and individuals.

With that being said, caring deeply about sex is not exclusive to men, and caring deeply about emotional fulfillment is not exclusive to women.

I like the idea of the 5 love languages, and loving your partner in the way that they like to be shown love.

Cheating, emotionally or physically, is never justified. Everyone involved in a romantic relationship needs to be able to communicate their needs and desires on some level. If they feel like they aren't able to do that, they need to take a good look at their requests, are they being reasonable? If they feel they are, then they need to reconsider the relationship. Is being with this person worth sacrificing the level of happiness they get from those few extra words of affirmation, morning quickies, whatever it might be...

wtknight · 2018-08-28T19:50:31+00:00

Yes, I agree. They’re both equally important in a relationship or a marriage.

crackrocksteady7 · 2018-08-28T20:28:06+00:00

Emotional fulfillment being:Spending quality time together, Making her feel special, loved, taking her on dates, surprising her. Making her feel like she is an important factor in your life, Etc

Who was in that other thread yesterday saying I was a manchild for saying men pay for women with their time

i_have_a_semicolon · 2018-08-28T19:43:41+00:00

Yes. If a woman needs her emotional needs to be taken care of to be happy in a relationship, and her partner is unwilling to provide them, it's fair for her to go seek elsewhere and end the relationship. If this occurs post marriage it's fair for the couple to get counseling

hammerhaunts · 2018-08-28T19:45:33+00:00

It seems like a lot of men don't "know what went wrong" and believes a woman "breaks up with him, or cheats on him, or stops having sex with him out of no where" When im pretty certain they just didn't care enough about the discussions she wanted to have and didn't take her seriously when she says she felt neglected and unloved.

I think it's better to at least bring up the problem first

hiso_hiso · 2018-08-28T19:43:35+00:00

Do you then agree that emotional fulfillment and sexual fulfillment are just as important

i don't think either are a justification for cheating, but yes, i think they are equally important for both people and being deprived of it can be a very negative experience.

sublimemongrel · 2018-08-28T20:02:03+00:00

Yes it’s just as important. Although, as a woman how I reciprocate isa bit different than what you’ve laid out because I’m not a RPWi.

I will say part of the issue could be different styles of providing emotional fulfillment. This is something I personally have experience with as my husband’s ways of “showing me I’m loved and appreciated” are not the same as mine. For a while I did not realize this and it made me feel unloved. I now accept that his way of expressing these things is different than mine rather than trying to get him to change them and I believe he also at least strives to be a little better about making them clearer to me.

angels_fan · 2018-08-28T20:18:50+00:00

Fair is fair.

Yes, go get those needs met elsewhere.

CrochetAndKittens · 2018-08-28T23:58:47+00:00

I know we are talking about the differences between men and women, but sex is an important part of the relationship dynamic for both parties. Compatibility is important as it's conducive to the intimacy needed as part of a successful union. I know, that's stating the obvious but I think the emphasis on gender pigeon-holing causes us to lose a large part of the conversation.

Many men on here believe that if a woman is not keeping up her side of the marriage/relationship in terms of sex, she is denying him a right therefore he can end the relationship and or give her ultimatums for not being sexually fulfilled or it some how justifies cheating.

Sexual abandonment is real. It may not justify the action of cheating but that abandonment can lead people down some pretty dark paths. The one person that loved you enough to bind with you doesn't want to touch you? That leaves a mark. And living that reality every day carves an even deeper and more profound mark. A person has needs and limits. Our sexuality is part of us and it's stronger for some than others. You can't abandon your partner in such an intimate way and expect them to suffer quietly. At some point bend will give to break.

Relationships rely upon emotional fulfillment as well. And many women feel like their partners lack this emotionally fulfillment which then leads to not being sexually fulfilled in their relationship, which then most times leads to emotional affairs that then become sexual.

Emotional fulfillment is different for everyone and I think it changes as we age. I'm 44 and I don't have the same beliefs about relationships now as I did then. A lot of people subscribe to the romantic ideal that their partner is supposed to fulfill all their needs and it can do a lot of damage. The truth is that no one person can be everything to another. It sets everyone up for failure. That's too much to expect of an individual and it's too much pressure to put on another. I think that accepting this realization helps take the pressure off and give couples permission to be really honest about what they need and how to fulfill it.

Emotional fulfillment being:Spending quality time together, Making her feel special, loved, taking her on dates, surprising her. Making her feel like she is an important factor in your life, Etc (Remember I stated that given that these acts and emotional fulfillment is also returned by her - so she makes you feel like a man, cooks for you, cleans for you, doesn't deny you sex, cares for you, thinks about you, and takes on the role that you are leader)

I hate to say it, but most of this is just traditional 50's stereotype BS. Relationships need to be nurtured by both parties and it's up to each partner to voice what makes them feel like they matter. No need to prescribe to antiquated ideals unless that's your thing. The one thing that is absolutely true here is that when emotional fulfillment is given it is often returned to you. That's how it's supposed to work and when couples communicate they can achieve that.

It seems like a lot of men don't "know what went wrong" and believes a woman "breaks up with him, or cheats on him, or stops having sex with him out of no where" When im pretty certain they just didn't care enough about the discussions she wanted to have and didn't take her seriously when she says she felt neglected and unloved. They do not understand the importance of having a quality relationship.

I lived this. Can absolutely confirm. I spent years trying to communicate with my needs with my ex-husband. He could never put aside his ego long enough to really hear me and would take it as an offense, responding with anger and passive aggression. I would cry from the sheer frustration of not being able to get through to him and the heart break of the distance it brought. It wasn't about my needs as much as it was about failing to connect. The distance grew to the point where he didn't kiss me or our son goodbye in the morning and wouldn't say a word to us when he got home from work. He would just take a shower, go to his computer and go to bed after hours of WoW. When I told him I wanted a divorce? Suddenly he didn't know what went wrong when I had been trying to tell him. He went into hysterical bonding mode but I was done. I was exhausted and had nothing left after 16 years. It's important to listen to your partner. You don't have to agree with them, but you do have to work together.

Do you then agree that emotional fulfillment and sexual fulfillment are just as important - if a man is not meeting his woman emotional needs (given that it is returned by her), and is that as justifiable and understood as sex is to men?

Given that I have experienced both I do think they are equally important. Emotional abandonment left me feeling alone, disconnected and depressed. Sexual abandonment shredded my self-esteem and made me hate myself. It all matters. Your partner's needs matter. Your needs matter. Speak up and communicate. It's unrealistic to deny your partner and expect them to go without quietly. Stop trying to project what you think they need and actually listen to your partner. If you don't you are headed to splitsville.

Mr_Smoogs · 2018-08-28T19:41:51+00:00

You are assuming that every time a woman "emotionally cheats" on a man, it is ultimately his fault for making it happen. Some true 'women are wonderful' shit right here.

so she makes you feel like a man, cooks for you, cleans for you,

Who is this lady? Most women I know my age don't even know how to cook.

Your OP is presumptuous. Men are claiming the emotional fulfillment side is being enacted, but she is not reciprocating sexually. No amount of stuffed teddy bear surprises is going to make her wet.

statsfodder · 2018-08-28T20:22:20+00:00

"It is all men's fault and women are wonderful" .. yawn..

Uncommon_Sense_12345 · 2018-08-28T19:42:40+00:00

EA's are too often a easy cop out for women who are bored in marriage. Women bore of marital monogamy sooner than men and it is common to see these "he's not meeting my needs" excuses as she cozies up to that make co-worker or Facebook friend.

Another excuse is the "I love him but am not in love with him" line before the EA and as a justification for her behavior.

It is hard to put into words, and I'm not going to write a book here, but a man cannot keep his wife faithful. A woman can still have the date nights, her love language met, and the husband can jump through all the right hoops and still end up with a dissatisfied wife who has an EA and then actual sex.

It is the woman who fully respects her husband and the vows that she has taken which keeps the woman faithful. Sadly, these women are in short supply.

Kittennoodle · 2018-08-28T20:49:19+00:00

I definitely agree that emotional fulfillment is as important as sex, but I also feel sex can be a part of that emotional fulfillment. I think one of the worst things a man can do to his woman is pretend like she doesn't exist. It happened to me a little while ago from my husband and I swear I about went insane. I remember just being a tear-bucket for a while.

He's since explained himself and I feel we're back to being emotionally connected. He finds me unattractive (understandable, I'm pregnant) and he went through a period of wanting any other girl and was actively seeking, maybe still is. Our conversations are extremely limited (baby brain is real). How do you keep him from wandering when you're in no position to compete? I'm certain men need that emotional validation too.

darudeboysandstorm · 2018-08-28T21:02:59+00:00

Whats important is stating that you are not fulfilled instead of pussy footing around whats upsetting you. Both men and women have such a hard time expressing them damn selves that we create these issues. As you the OP have suggested these problems don't just up and show up, partners decide to deal with them alone instead of bringing in someone who is also part of the problem their partner.

ZodiacBrave98 · 2018-08-29T00:27:34+00:00

Either party can end the relationship, at any time and for any reason.

By all rights, your screed can be your conditions to continue a relationship.

Your conditions aren't universal. If you fail to reveal these to your partner, you shouldn't be surprised if these conditions aren't met.

The above is a very clean slate way of looking at things. I dare to say your conditions are shared by many, and its probably a good idea to assume them for many women. But not all women make the above demands. Nor are they always demanded for the guy to get what he (chiefly) wants (sex).

You've probably heard this before, but the only activity exclusively done in a relationship is sex. So trying to build your case for emotional cheating is interesting, but really does fail to rise to the level of physical cheating. Comparing the two, emotional cheating doesn't seem on the same level. It really does betray the only exclusive aspect of a relationship. At which point, might as well end it.

DaphneDK42 · 2018-08-29T02:01:24+00:00

Many men on here believe that if a woman is not keeping up her side of the marriage/relationship in terms of sex, she is denying him a right therefore he can end the relationship and or give her ultimatums for not being sexually fulfilled or it some how justifies cheating.

Of course he can end the relationship or give her ultimatums for not being sexually fulfilled. And for any other reason you can imagine under the sky. Why would you think otherwise?

Workaholico · 2018-08-29T11:10:19+00:00

she is denying him a right therefore he can end the relationship and or give her ultimatums for not being sexually fulfilled or it some how justifies cheating.

Correction: she is denying a basic desire and should be reasoned with first or if he does not get a solution and he thinks the marriage is not worth, he should look for another woman. There is no ultimatum, she is not forced to anything, he is only talking about his needs (like many women do on a daily basis). If he does not get what he wants, why would he even stay? Isn't that exactly what women do? Her needs are emotions, his need is sex. Simple as that. Both are going after their needs.

It seems like a lot of men don't "know what went wrong" and believes a woman "breaks up with him, or cheats on him, or stops having sex with him out of no where"

Yes, but not the red pill men.

When im pretty certain they just didn't care enough about the discussions she wanted to have and didn't take her seriously when she says she felt neglected and unloved.

Most women are not as direct. And subtle things will not work either.

If they sat down and talked about it like adults, she has all the rights to leave, the same if a man says he needs sex and she refuses to do anything about it.

They do not understand the importance of having a quality relationship.

They understand, just probably do not understand what women want or, as you said, do not care.

Do you then agree that emotional fulfillment and sexual fulfillment are just as important - if a man is not meeting his woman emotional needs (given that it is returned by her), and is that as justifiable and understood as sex is to men?

Depending on the ones involved, yes. So what? Isn't it the whole point of TRP? The whole point is to both breakups is to have their needs fulfilled.

KrispyMcSockington · 2018-08-30T09:19:18+00:00

When im pretty certain they just didn't care enough about the discussions she wanted to have and didn't take her seriously when she says she felt neglected and unloved. They do not understand the importance of having a quality relationship.

It's a huge assumption to say he didn't care enough. Did she care enough to talk? If so, and he still ignored her, it would be better to leave than cheat. We shouldn't justify cheating that way by laying the blame solely on husbands for not 'getting it.' Women insist that men try harder to speak and act in a way that makes them feel loved and appreciated but how often do women do the same?

I mean, how easy is it for a man to approach his wife and ask her to lose the weight, show more enthusiasm in bed, be more sexually open or to nag less? These are not easy conversations to have, so if you're expecting men to understand, try to imagine if he says he is not happy with his sex life as well. Ideally, both partners should take some time and talk about how they feel and plot a way forward.

Otherwise, why'd you marry a guy who doesn't care about how you feel? Men do understand the importance of a quality relationship, but how often isn't 'quality relationship' not just filtered through the female lens? It's incredibly easy for women to dump the blame on men for their unhappiness without thinking that his version of a 'quality relationship' is different than hers. Hell, he might just have shut down emotionally because she isn't considerate of his feelings either.

He's either not getting the message and you need to do more than hint heavily, and this may include compromising on your side too, or he is unwilling and you should leave. Trying to make someone be something they are not is not going to work. Cheating is a terrible solution as it means you're too much of a coward to actually leave. It's not your partner's fault you cheated even if it's their fault your relationship sucks.

flyingmintbunnyy · 2018-08-31T16:39:43+00:00

> feel special

I understand your point but people need to have some self control. If a man is so crazy about getting more sex that he feels continuously upset it shows that he isn't a self sufficient adult. He should work on lowering his sex drive, getting hobbies, meditating etc.

Same for women. If they are so desperate for attention and affection that they feel continuously upset and cheat then they too are not good adults. Women need to regulate their own emotions. Again gain hobbies, have friends, work out etc.

If you want something from another then it's on you to communicate it.

Relationships are two people who agree on life goals and want to share each other's company to create a safe, reliable place called home.

People do not simply exist to service others.

Pope_Lucious · 2018-08-28T21:02:21+00:00

Yea emotional fulfillment is important. But emotions also change frequently for arbitrary reasons all the time.

And just like a girl would be annoyed if her boyfriend/husband wanted painful pornstar sex five times a day, most men get annoyed having to constantly validate a woman emotionally.

largepaycheckaddict · 2018-08-28T22:03:12+00:00

If a woman no longer wants to fuck you it means she doesn’t love you anymore. However there are also men who are too meek and timid to initiate a lot of the time..

asking “may I please have sex with you dear” kills the mood. It’s better to just make a move.. start touching her, grab her, smell her, make out with her and gradually progress toward sex. Women want a guy that has that sort of animal instinct where he “takes” her.

andrew_rdt · 2018-08-29T17:58:58+00:00

This type of thing isn't exclusive to what women want. I mean, who are these women having emotional affairs with?

petrichordium · 2018-08-28T20:48:14+00:00

Mostly in agreement, but as always there are some differences in the analogy. Or maybe that’s just my male perspective.

Sexual needs are fairly clear, and even absent constant communication, it should be obvious if you haven’t banged your partner in a long time that this is an issue.

Emotional needs are honestly more difficult. For instance it’s totally common for a partner to seem too needy and suffocating when they’re trying to be affectionate. The opposite can happen too: men get rewarded with sex when in a gruff and manhandly mood, so they think this attitude is good for the grocery store.

Basically there are a million fucking little details that people often refuse to communicate wishing their partner would just “get it.” And someone who switches to an emotional affair before really trying to figure that out is just lazy. Hyper communication doesn’t solve things that depend on instinct or attraction, sure, but language is a pretty useful tool compared to silent passive aggression and disenchantment.

By contrast, it’s pretty obvious when the last time you blew your boyfriend was. How to fix that may be another issue, but the problem itself is pretty damn obvious.

whitetrashcarl · 2018-08-28T22:47:27+00:00

Who gives a fuck if your girl has loser orbiters that she’s never going to fuck in a million years

LewisCross · 2018-08-28T20:25:37+00:00

Sure, emotional fulfillment is important.

The problem arises when women aren't clear about what they want and need from their men. The problem also arises from women picking men they aren't sexually attracted to or for whom they don't have much sexual attraction to begin with. This leads her to close herself off and wall herself off emotionally.

The problem also arises when women bring their own emotional baggage to a relationship/marriage. This can also lead her to wall herself off and close herself off emotionally as well.

The reason a lot of men don't know what went wrong and it happens out of nowhere is that women aren't clear about what they want and need, and aren't clear about what's going on. They either cannot or will not articulate it clearly. They expect men to be psychics, clairvoyant mindreaders, and magicians.

And men and women can end relationships for any reason they want, or none at all. Many, many more women end relationships and marriages than men do, often for no more reason than "I'm just not happy".

Title	Emotional Affairs
Author	throwawayemotions34
Upvotes	17
Comments	219
Date	August 28, 2018 7:00 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/9b1pd2/emotional_affairs/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/emotional-affairs.261006 https://theredarchive.com/post/261006

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