How has your romantic success differed from that of your parents?

procrast1natrix · 2026-05-31T06:15:52+00:00

My dad in the early 1970's needed to find a local housing situation for an internship thing a thousand miles from anyone he knew. He had expensive temporary housing but was scrutinizing all the message corkboards and the papers. My mom was in grad program living in a house with a bunch of other grad students, some of whom were graduating and leaving, so there were some rooms came available. He answered an ad for a room. He describes that he walked in and she was frying kidneys (for real) and they had chemistry. So they were living together before they were dating.

I was blatantly set up, a girlfriend I had used to work with decided I should be with a guy she knew, and put us in the same place and she was right, and we're married twenty years.

My eldest child, she was on a mixed gender athletic team last year and was approached by a guy (same age) and at that time told him no, she was busy with school and whatnot and not dating (truth). Four months later she decided she actually likes his sense of humor and whatnot and now they've been dating a few months. They're 18, I know there are hickeys and that they treat eachother well and I don't want to know more than that.

Edit to add my parents are still together fifty years later, husband and I are still together. Your question was about keeping the spark? I think that yes, exercising is good, finding new fun dates is good, I'm a fan of the Nagoski text Come Together.

Instigated- · 2026-05-31T12:40:54+00:00

Personally, I guess I experienced about the same thing as my dad did. He was on steroids so he would probably typically get fitter women than I do. I suspect it took him about 3 hours to kiss my mother, based on how a similar blonde woman as her would kiss me after a date from Tinder.

It sounds like you haven’t actually asked your parents for what it was like for them, and I think your estimate is off. There was no Tinder in their day. It was a much more socially conservative era overwhelmingly without the modern hook up culture.

I haven’t asked my parents either, however in their era they married at 21 yrs old, didn’t live together until married, and my mothers social class it was unlikely that she would have been sexually active prior to marriage. No way kissing would have happened within 3 hours of meeting.

I am no doubt a lot older than you (mid forties female) so I will tell you what it was like when I was young.

It varied by person (it always does). Most relationships did not get to kissing or sex until after dating for a while. That was the case with my boyfriends, and there were a few drunken hookups that involved dancing and kissing in a nightclub, but did not lead to sex or relationships. Some female friends very occasionally had a one night stand after drinking too much however they usually felt very embarrassed about them afterwards and regretted them and then avoided the person. Male friends who had one night stands would outwardly act proud of them however I sensed they had confused feelings as they often wanted more but struggled to get into a relationship and one night stands were often confusing (was it the start of something, or a mistake?). The people who seemed happiest were either happily single or in good relationships.

I met my partner when I was 21 (he was a bit older), he was my fourth boyfriend but first serious one (he had a serious live in girlfriend before but she had left him), we moved in together in under a year, never bothered marrying, had one child, have been together 25years.

where my parent’s relationship went wrong.

Ask them. There is nothing to be learned from speculation on others relationships when you are not privy to the private details.

My father died when I was young, however I know my mother considered divorcing him.

I remember the arguments. I remember his temper, and how it felt being around a moody man who was quick to anger, who used violence or the threat of it to punish, intimidate, dominate, his children and his wife. I remember him insulting her & her cooking, after he got home unexpectedly late and the meal had dried out in the oven waiting for him to get home, and him storming out to go eat a restaurant by himself. I remember how we had to tip toe around him and indulge his ego, if he got a fancy about what he wanted us to do as a family, without any real thought or care for what would be age appropriate or of interest to young children. I remember how careful she had to be with every dollar when doing the grocery shopping for our whole family (choosing what was on special, what was better value), never spending money on herself, and how easily he spent money on whatever frivolous thing he wanted without any sense of budget. How she had to be careful what she said and be “supportive”, while he had no care to do the reverse.

I wonder if they just exercised at a gym together for a bit, if they could’ve gotten their “spark” back, instead of divorcing.

This sounds like a misguided idea about what causes tension, sexual interest, and makes a good relationship.

Steroid use may have impacted your dad’s mood and behaviour (roid rage?)

Research has shown that men who share the domestic work get laid more, so perhaps that would have been more useful than hitting the gym? Or couples therapy.

Most women feel more turned on by their partners when they are not stressed or overworked (eg by domestic responsibilities), when they feel appreciated and cared for, when men are loving & considerate towards them… all of which also helps strengthen relationships regardless of sex.

Getting some natural testosterone flowing to increase libido might’ve gotten her to like him more, leading to good quality time spent together, instead of them being tense 24/7.

Increasing testosterone and libido isn’t going to help if there are problems in the relationship and/or quality of sexual enjoyment. (Not that I know what was going on in your parents relationship, but I know the tension in my parents relationship was about my dad’s moods, anger, and how he treated us).

I don’t know what era your parents were in, but we have yet to reach an era where we have closed the gender gap in the bedroom in terms of pleasure and orgasm. There used to be very little access to information about sex, it was dry medical information and not about pleasure, so lots of men were ignorant or selfish lovers with little care for their wives enjoyment - and women often didn’t have a lot of knowledge, experience or agency so put up with a lot, sometimes including not just terrible sex but marital rape.

Learning to be a good partner and lover would rate more highly imho than hitting the gym.

My partner and I have been together for 25 years, and I am not going to pretend it is the ideal relationship or without it’s flaws. We have had times of anger, frustration, disappointment, deadbedroom, and yet also persevered and endured . Our commitment to each other, personal self improvement, shared goals, our love of our child, and our willingness to let go of stereotypical ideas and expectations of “ideal” relationship has helped.

One tip is for people to take a look at the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord, to realise we are are not going to get everything we want in one single person, so loosen expectations.

Lysa_Bell · 2026-05-31T06:43:20+00:00

My mom is is in her third marriage. My maker is dead. She had my brother with her first husband and me with her second husband. All before she was 25. She is married to her third husband for like 20 years now. Terrible marriage. She basically mothers him. If she wouldn't cook he just wouldn't eat.

I met my husband at 29. We are together 8 years. We got married after being together for 5 years. He is nothing like my maker or my mom's current husband. I made very clear to my husband that I dont want kids.

My mom was my example in what not to do.

love_in_october · 2026-05-31T09:27:39+00:00

My parents came of age during the Troubles and married a year after, when they were 30 and 32. I'm not sure they were any more or less successful than me but they did have different goals. I know they both dated around a lot when they were younger and neither had any shortage of dates (surprising perhaps as my dad is pretty shy).

In contrast, only one person has ever showed me any interest but all I've wanted is to find someone to marry. I do have the handicap of being bisexual which has meant I haven't been able to ask out about half the people I've been into. I came of age during COVID, moved to England and got married when we were both 22. Marrying young is much more normal in my husband's family than mine.

We all seem to have found our person at the end of the day so I count that as a success.

Icy_Ad_4544 · 2026-05-31T11:47:42+00:00

I’d say my “romantic success” has been very similar if not better than my parents. We all met our significant others at a young age (both my parents and even my husband’s parents were high school sweethearts), got married, had kids and stayed together for 20+ years.

Tylikcat · 2026-05-31T18:33:48+00:00

Aiee. So, both my parents were pretty wretched people. (And terrible parents.)

My father... well, there's a lot I don't know. Like, why he was in sexual deviancy counseling in in his early undergraduate years. (I have suspicions, but too be fair, it was the fifties so deviant was pretty broadly defined.) He told my mom it was because he was a major horn dog. But I suspect it might be tied into why his family cut off contact with him. (With the exception of his eldest brother.)

He definitely was sexually successful. I'm one of seven - or I was, only three of us are still alive, so read that as you will. (And they died at 1.5, 18, 36, and 54.) He was a charismatic asshole - and I don't mean this in the sense that a lot of RP guys portray it, where all the guys know but women still flock to him. He had similar patterns with men, where people tended to really like him at first, but to drift apart over years until they ended up majorly disliking him. This also showed up a lot in his professional life.

My mother was originally a research assistant of his. (We are talking late sixties, here, but still gross.) He started dating her at some point during his marriage disintegrating. As far as I know he was pretty awful to all the women he was with, including at least somewhat sexually coercive in the cases I know about. A lot of cheating, too. And a history of creeping on young undergraduate students. But he was still finding new partners until at least his late sixties, and I think through his seventies as well.

My mom never had much of a sense of herself, and tended to produce different versions of herself depending on who she was around. She was sexually adventurous before marriage, though... it sounded kind of desperate to me, really? After she divorce our father, she dated some, but it was pretty pathetic.

I was raised on a university campus, in Seattle, in the seventies. So I never imbibed much prudishness. Still, I figured out my parents weren't good role models at an early age, so I read broadly. Some of it was non fiction - a dear friend used to say she was raised by wild library cards, and it is true no one tried to regulate what I read. And a lot was fiction. I read far too much Heinlein at an impressionable age.*

Me? It depends on what you mean by successful. I have had a lot of sex. (Was this in part because of the abuse in my family? Probably somewhat, but it's hard to say.) I have had three long term relationships. Never had a problem finding people I liked and was attracted to who wanted to have relationships with me.

I have had a problem finding people I could really connect with romantically. I'm pretty sure I know why, and frankly, the numbers are really against me. (Several standard deviations off the mean in terms of IQ - not that IQ isn't a flawed metric. And that maps pretty well to my dating history - the people I've been most serious about have tended to be within 1-2 std dev of me. So not only is that about one in 10,000 people, but it's a group that tends to be, ah, idiosyncratic in their socialization.)

OTOH, I'm happy, and I have a great life. I slightly regret not having children, but that was always contingent on finding a good partner and good situation. (Meanwhile, I'm a professor, a martial arts instructor, and have a herd of nieces and nephews, adopted or otherwise.)

*And while I don't recommend Heinlein now - he hasn't aged well - it was generally a good experience for me. Certainly, Heinlein's views on sex were a hell of a lot more healthy than what I picked up from my parents. Still, I've had more than one person say that I'm basically a real life Heinlein heroine, and *wince*.

PlantRake · 2026-05-31T18:45:59+00:00

My parents have been married for 34 years and still love each other. They have different hobbies and friend groups, which works for them. it’s a different dynamic than my marriage. My husband and I have overlapping hobbies and a lot mutual friends. So I don’t/didnt want their dynamic.

That said, their marriage wasn’t entirely happy. My mother struggled with cancer and mental health issues and my father was our primary caregiver. Despite everything, I imagine they have a typical marriage.

Secret_Entry1840 · 2026-05-31T09:26:44+00:00

My mom is on husband number 9. He’s my 4th step father. Shes a serial monogamist. An optimist. They’ve almost all cheated on her. She’s the type that needs a man in her life.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2026-05-31T12:00:49+00:00

I don’t know a ton about my parents’ dating life before they met but it sounds like my dad was a burnout and my mom was an insecure ugly duckling. They met probably around 30, broke up and got back together at one point over my dad’s involvement in Scientology, got married in their mid thirties.

I met my husband in college and eloped at 23 which was crazy and rebellious by their standards.

p_fulga · 2026-05-31T12:16:34+00:00

Definitely better than my parents. A LOOOT better than my parents, haha.

My mom sucks at picking 'em and pretty much every dude she's ever been with has been off his rocker nuts, unhinged and volatile. I still remember almost drowning more than once because of one of them. Getting beaten as an excuse that I "need to learn how to defend myself from men". Whatever my mom's issues are, it leads her to just keep doing that cyclically over and over. I mean she modelled, she is an accountant, she's smart, she's capable, I think she just didn't have a lot of self worth back then and that's how it would manifest. Nowadays she does better but she lives out in the middle of nowhere so she doesn't date much.

My father himself is a POS. He was the asshole, and it meant that pretty much everyone around him would eventually bail out once he let his mask drop. He is one of those narcissistic player types, could always find someone, but as he showed his true colours they almost always left. My step mom was the only one to stay long and she did it mostly to protect me. After her, he just got weirdly attached to teenage and young adult me and squeezed tighter and tighter until I finally got out. After that he immediately started jumping into dating people around my age and style who are just as unhinged as he is. Last I heard he's big on ketamine now. Ew.

My dating life has always been WAAAY more stable than either of them. And way, way happier.

ChadChasingBReturns · 2026-05-31T14:22:06+00:00

It’s the same as my parents and for my husband. We all dated a lot before marriage. We’re religious and waited for marriage before having sex. No one struggled to find potential partners. His parents were the same.

toad-wrangler · 2026-05-31T17:22:06+00:00

My parents got married at 21 and 20, and are still married, but don't like each other much at all and haven't for a long time. This is my dad's only ltr and my mom's second.

I got married at 22 and he was 27. We've been together 8 years, married for 7. He was my first ltr, and I was his 3rd. Things have been really difficult for health reasons, but we still like each other a lot.

My experience was/has been pretty similar to my dad's, which isn't terribly surprising because I'm basically the female version of him, personality wise. I can't relate to my mom's stories at all- she and I have little in common in general.

sablesalsa · 2026-05-31T17:38:41+00:00

My mom is a very caring person who experienced hardships and learned lessons early on, but came out of it stronger. My dad's story is similar. I had to learn some of the same lessons but was able to learn them younger because of their support, and I'm thankful for that. I looked to their relationship to set my own standards more than I realized. So I guess you could say my life is similar to theirs.

theminxisback · 2026-06-01T01:20:35+00:00

My mom married 4 times. She spent pretty much my entire life in relationships. She attempted one relationship with a woman and it was abusive and lasted 6 months. She said the woman abused her the same ways a man would have and has.

My mom has been single for almost 3 years. Fucking finally!!! I have consistently witnessed her over and over with men going "this one is gonna be the one, I just know it this time !!"

Guess what? More than 90% of the men she dated and also all 4 of her husbands were abusive, torturous narcissistic parasites.

I learned very early on how to properly discern between a dangerous man and a good, healthy man.

I've come to find how unbelievably and incredibly rare good men are. So it makes me value the few good men I've known throughout my life even more so.

When 9/10 are bad and 1/10 is good, you tend to fixate on that 1/10. And now, thankfully I am experiencing the other way around than my mom has. I will say it's primarily due to all of my personal research, my life experiences and my career. It's made all the difference in my life.

So now, I see 9/10 good guys and 1/10 bad guys in my personal life. It took most of my life to find them though.

Excellent_Badger123 · 2026-06-12T10:43:05+00:00

Much much better. My mother was an economic captive who couldn’t escape. She stayed with my father until his death because she was stuck. He openly cheated on her and she hated him but she was a loyal wife and mother. Mom recently passed away and chose to be buried in a separate place, not beside him in our family cemetery where her name was already carved into the stone.

I always had boyfriends and a few husbands, maintained my autonomy by making sure I could earn a living on my own so that my romantic partners were a choice I made instead of a prison-like sentence I had to just live through

Just_Fisherman4910 · 2026-06-12T11:18:33+00:00

I can tell you this with 100% certainty: They had a dead bedroom because your mother was never actually sexually attracted (sexually desired) to your father in the first place. That is why he married her.

Innanaspeaks · 2026-05-31T07:46:50+00:00

My parents met as teens. They dated exclusively for 6 years and remained virgins till thier wedding night. Mum was Catholic, Dad was atheist (and its now obvious he is autistic). They stayed togther till she passed. Hes not interested in dating anyone else.

I lost my virginity at 15 to a boyfriend id would date for 2 years. Ive had 4 longish relationships (the current one is 20 years) and had many ons and short flings (some i hoped would turn into a relationship but i ended them for reasons).

Very different from my parents. I was raised atheist but with a lot of sexual repression which i overcame. I am also autistic. I had annorexia due to being body shamed by my mum for being an hourglass shape. She preferred skinny flat model bodies (although she was an hourglass herself. She had past shame issues of her own).

Beneficial_Oil_5089 · 2026-05-31T12:56:40+00:00

Doesn’t being on steroids cause shrunken testicles and roid rage on top of a bunch of other unhealthy stuff? Not shocked about the dead bedroom part

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Title	How has your romantic success differed from that of your parents?
Author	Reasonable_Mouse789
Upvotes	0
Comments	109
Date	May 31, 2026 5:45 AM UTC (2 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1tsmme8/how_has_your_romantic_success_differed_from_that/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-has-your-romantic-success-differed-from-that.1581717 https://theredarchive.com/post/1581717

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