Why do small age gap relationships fare better?

ashpr0ulx · 2022-07-12T23:29:10+00:00

i have always dated men 5-10 years older than me but my current partner is the closest in age i’ve ever dated. we remember large events in more similar ways, our peer groups mesh well, our childhood and youthful experiences feel better understood, we’re in similar places in careers and life stages

i don’t think it’s particularly significant but i think an extra dose of compatibility never hurts

2022-07-12T23:27:45+00:00

From what I've heard younger partner in age gap relationships are often expected to make career/education/lifestyle sacrifices that ultimately lead to frustration and resentment.

toasterchild · 2022-07-12T23:32:08+00:00

Chances are higher you will remain at similar life stages.

Bikerbats · 2022-07-13T02:22:14+00:00

Age gaps are all fun and games until one party is actually old and the other isn't. It's one thing to grow old together, and another to watch someone grow old and decrepit when you aren't there yet. Fifty and thirty-five works a lot better than fifty and sixty-five and the former always leads to the latter.

decoy88 · 2022-07-13T07:35:26+00:00

This is the same as asking why most people’s friends are similar ages.

OfSpock · 2022-07-13T09:51:14+00:00

Women find men close to their age the most attractive and those who get their first choice end up with an age mate. People who marry with a large age gap are generally the leftover people. There would be some couples where they meet and just fall in love but generally, they did not get their first choice.

Inner_Interaction_40 · 2022-07-13T00:30:56+00:00

The percentage figures given in the OP are bullshit. They are not from the study itself, but from a chart made by a data scientist named Randal Olson. The chart was reported on in The Atlantic and elsewhere. Olson has long since removed it from his website and retracted his claims.

A previous version of this article showed a chart giving specific relative percent likelihoods of divorce occurring based on number of years married. The original authors of the study have pointed out that although there is a significant correlation between wider age gaps and increased divorce, it is not possible to determine the relative percent likelihood from their study. That is left to future research.

https://randalolson.com/2014/11/06/what-makes-for-a-stable-marriage-part-2/

IrrungenWirrungen · 2022-07-13T15:13:24+00:00

Less chance of outgrowing one another. Which is why it’s bizarre to me some of the gross men on here talk about how it’s so much better to be with women 10-20 years younger than them.

Yuck. Red flag.

freespirit1963TJ · 2022-07-12T23:57:32+00:00

Here's my philosophy on that dynamic. People go through very distinct changes during their lifetime. Likes, dislikes, beliefs, values etc. These changes tend to come to a halt when people hit their early to mid 40's. These changes can radically impact a relationship/marriage. Getting married too young, marrying someone significantly younger or older, these people are going to experience, first hand, trying to navigate these changes.

IrrungenWirrungen · 2022-07-13T01:37:06+00:00

It's usually cultural differences. The bigger the gap, the more pronounced the differences in how you grew up are. It's similar to when people experience a disconnect from dating someone from a wildly different culture, religion, or class.

Their values may be less likely to align with yours. They're usually at a different stage financially and professionally than you, or want a family. (Imagine a 40 year old trying to talk to a 23 year old about having a family...it happens, but it's not the norm.) The pop culture references and tastes are different. Hell, even the things they learned in school may be different than what you learned. It doesn't mean there can't be a connection, but there's many more obstacles to overcome versus dating closer to your age.

Imo, (and I think stats might actually back this up?) women tend to be happiest with a guy who is a couple years older than them, basically 1-4 years older. I think it's because women are encouraged to become emotionally intelligent more so than men, which means they will likely hit a certain level of maturity a bit sooner. (It's not that the boys can't or won't reach, but it's not as prioritized as say, money.) Men a little older than you have alway had time to get to this emotional level, and usually have a better state of financial and professional affairs than those younger than them. But the small age gap still means you'll get each other on a generational, cultural level.

Ex: I'm 24, turning 25. My partner just turned 29 today. We get along amazingly and have the same goals professionally and financially (looking for better paying jobs/promotions, saving for a house, planning for future vacations, neither of us want kids). The only time I feel "young" is when he mentions something from the early/mid 90s. The only time he seems to feel "old" is if I talk about new shitposts/memes on ig, which don't get circulated by his fb friends. Otherwise it's basically like dating someone my age. The main difference is he's more mature and has his head screwed on correctly (for the most part) in regards to finances and work.

I remember being 19 and telling a male friend of mine that I was saving up money for an apartment and furniture (I was projecting a couple years out, but was collecting for all the basics, first/last month's rent, and a small emergency fund) and he mentioned it had never crossed his mind to save up before moving out. He was the same age (19) and still living off his parents like me, but I was already a couple thousand ahead of him in savings because I was planning in advance; planning hadn't crossed his mind. I think it can be those small differences in maturity that can make a major difference in dating, and I do think it's why guys a handful of years older can be so appealing to women, especially if those women are a bit mature for their age.

StoicGypsy · 2022-07-13T04:19:14+00:00

I am currently in a relationship with a man 10 years older. He is well established in every regard at 45 and I am just starting my career, making a lot of moves and taking more risks at 34. In terms of profession and work, we are definitely in different places but we acknowledge it and I appreciate his wisdom here. I’ve always been attracted to men who are intelligent and can teach me things, which I haven’t found ever in men close to my age at any point in my life.

Sometimes my naiveness and lack of experience definitely comes out but my partner is patient with me. As long as you come from a place of understanding, patience and love, I don’t think the age gap is a dealbreaker.

What is interesting is how easily these relationships can become transactional because one person is simply more established. He actually makes a real effort for that to not be the case, even if that’s a tendency I have naturally fallen into in the past. Maybe it’s the women who create that imbalance based on ingrained expectations, either personally or culturally. That’s another discussion I think.

hotpinkpurple · 2022-07-12T23:55:43+00:00

My parents are 8 years apart (my mother is the older one) and they’re happily married for 45 years.

My best friend is in a 20 year age gap relationship, he is the older one. They’re doing great, but I want to see what’s going to happen regarding children with them. They may or may not split up due to this.

Another friend is in a similar 20 year gap, the man is older, but they are married with kids and they both went through alcohol recovery together (before kids).

Another friend dated a man 20 years younger, fell crazy in love with him, but he broke up with her because he needed to do his “finding himself” soul searching that people in their early 20s do. It devastated her.

I’m currently in a relationship with a man who is 12 years younger. However, he happens to be more emotionally mature then a lot of men I meet who are closer to my age. He treats me really well. He has a thing for older women because he thinks younger women are too immature for his tastes.

So, to me it seems that, everything pretty much varies. That’s the conclusion I come up with for pretty much everything debated in this sub…. A lot of grey areas and variations, but this sub tends to think very black and white and in absolutes. Take what you will…..

KDN2011 · 2022-07-13T05:28:50+00:00

Well you don't really have much in common. I'm 29 and shocked how little in common I have with people in their early to mid 20's. Or how little I have in common with people in their mid 30's. I can't imagine living my life with someone who just came up in a "different time." My dad is a little over a year older than my mom, and they've been together for 30 years.

2022-07-13T06:54:20+00:00

Because there is nothing that will make you feel closer to a person than relating to them. I am in love with my partner and i am 2 days older than him. It feels so nice having someone who i can relate to fully to. Also attraction, I am not attracted to guys who are more than a couple years older.

2022-07-13T07:05:34+00:00

Daddy issues (they seek a partner to fill a parental void), transactional relationships, lack of physical attraction and less in common.

wtknight · 2022-07-12T23:40:26+00:00

Yeah, I don't know. Exes who I was with who were the same age as me thought I was immature. With the ones who were five years younger than me, we were about equally mature. I'm a late bloomer, though. It took me a while to learn how to interact well with the opposite sex.

Maybe the ones with an older partner have a tendency to be more exploitative. The older partner often has to really care about the younger partner for an age gap relationship to work out, and often this isn't the case.

Cupcakelover1985 · 2022-07-12T23:52:24+00:00

It’s not absolute but two people of or around the same age are probably in the same stage in their life. Also generation gaps are very real. Depending on how large the age gap is you might have been influenced in radically different ways due to the way you were influenced by cultural norms of the time. In cases like that the relationship may be hard to maintain because you’re in different life stages and you don’t see eye to eye on things

The9thElement · 2022-07-13T01:13:38+00:00

High age gap relationships are most of the time completely transactional and not based on love or commitment. A relationship is with someone you can relate to, and that involves similar life experience and outlook. Surprise surprise no one wants to be wiping ass at 40 and their partner is 60/70. That is if the relationship lasts that long, which it likely won’t.

2022-07-13T02:02:41+00:00

Many factors include the fact that they have similar beliefs and interest due to the fact they grew up in the same time period.

KayRay1994 · 2022-07-13T04:19:43+00:00

The smaller the age gap = the more likely two people are in a similar stage of life and have grown up with, and thus their personalities informed by, similar cultural and social beats - that’s literally it

TesticalDefibrillate · 2022-07-13T14:10:26+00:00

Because women prefer a man just 1-2 years older and women initiate the vast majority of divorces.

gozzff · 2022-07-14T17:07:23+00:00

They don't:

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-04-20/couple-with-a-larger-age-gap-happier/9680764

Drawing on evolutionary and socio-cultural perspectives, the present study examined normative beliefs and commitment processes among heterosexual women involved in age-gap and age-concordant relationships. Results indicated that woman-older partners were the most satisfied with and committed to their relationships, relative to woman-younger and similarly aged partners, consistent with socio-cultural predictions.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/j.1471-6402.2007.00408.x

Sad-Program-3444 · 2022-07-12T23:56:29+00:00

My man and I were born six days apart.

cvslengthbucketlist · 2022-07-13T00:04:39+00:00

The percentage of 1 year age gap couples ending in divorce is not 3%, common sense would tell you that's impossible. It's 3% more likely than the baseline divorce rate for same age couples.

Which means if the general divorce rate is 40%, then couples 1 year apart would be around the same at 41%. A 5 year gap would be about 48%. And a 10 year age gap would be 56%. Not insignificant but not a walloping difference either.

However, when you get to 20 year gaps it does make a huge difference, about twice as likely. But even then the glaring flaw in the study that should be obvious is the confounding variable of social disapproval. (Imagine doing a study on divorce rates of interracial couples in the deep South in 1970s America and trying to justify that conclusion, for instance.)

The chicken and egg problem that should come up in your mind is this: do age gap relationships fail because they're inherently unstable, therefore resulting in (justified) social stigma? Or is it the reverse order, where the social stigma and judgment from friends and family can result in an otherwise compatible and strong relationship falling apart due to the negative reception?

Highflyer47 · 2022-07-13T01:54:16+00:00

Frankly, from the ages of 20-30 even a few years apart are generally pretty big gaps in terms of where in your life each of you is

python834 · 2022-07-13T01:53:05+00:00

It depends on maturity.

Im 31, and my gf 22, turning 23 in a few months. We’re doing great in my opinion, but we’ll see.

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TastyCucurbits · 2022-07-13T01:02:36+00:00

I think it changes somewhat depending on age. For example, I've heard from several 23-27 year old women that they wouldn't mind a (non-transactional) relationship with a man either their age or up to 35, even for the younger ones. Once women get up to about 30, though, I imagine that they would rather he be closer in age to them, and particularly once they near 35 and 40.

TryLambda · 2022-07-13T00:11:33+00:00

Relationships are all transactional, even without age gaps

2022-07-12T23:43:51+00:00

95% sounds a little unbelievable. I'm also skeptical that couples with a 1 yr age gap have only a 3% chance of divorce - personally I know multiple people in this category who've split.

Cobra_x30 · 2022-07-12T23:22:38+00:00

Exactly what study is this? Because I had a less than one year age gap with my former marriage and that was the worst relationship of my life... and the nastiest divorce of almost anyone I know.

I've dated women 5 and 10 years younger. Each of those relationships were way better and had I chosen to move forward, likely would still be working today. I think a 3-5 year age gap is ideal and anything outside of that range requires a more solid connection.

dukesaces · 2022-07-13T01:02:47+00:00

I'm not sure why small age gap relationships are statistically more likely to succeed than larger age gap relationships, perhaps it's because of shared experiences or because many large age gap relationships are transactional.

However, age gaps aren't the only metric that predict relationship success. There are many other metrics that people completely ignore because those metrics aren't convenient to their lifestyles or don't suit their systems of belief so if you're in an age gap relationship, don't worry that it will fail. Just try to be a good partner and communicate well and theres a reasonable chance that it will succeed.

AelfredRex · 2022-07-13T01:15:26+00:00

An equal level of maturity and life expectations as compared to widely differing ages.

Sure-Vermicelli4369 · 2022-07-13T01:27:09+00:00

I reckon this dataset is incomplete without knowing the ages at which they partnered up

mandoa_sky · 2022-07-13T01:40:33+00:00

similar experiences being the most likely one. we tend to like people who see the world similar to us and being around the same age helps with that.

sarkington · 2022-07-13T02:08:17+00:00

Assortative mating

LowCreddit · 2022-07-13T02:48:58+00:00

People with small age gaps typically got together much earlier in life and were able to maintain a relationship. Everyone dating over 30 spent 10+ years failing at relationships in one way or another.

AidsVictim · 2022-07-13T04:34:13+00:00

I would guess the closer people are in age the more similar they are likely to be in cultural, social, psychological, and experience conditioning which can be important for tolerating and understanding someone long term. A lot of them also probably married in their mid 20's while people near/in their 30's tend to be more open to larger age gaps (especially women) but may already have various baggage (divorces, kids etc) that decrease long term success chances.

Time_Animaal · 2022-07-13T05:20:35+00:00

In the age case, I imagine the man is accepting a lower class woman who is hotter, and the woman is going for a richer man. The woman doesn't need to stay married to have access to his wealth, and the older she gets the more her beauty fades and cant' make up for her being a trophy.

CostcoPocket · 2022-07-13T05:53:46+00:00

Matching maturity levels

beleidigtewurst · 2022-07-13T14:43:26+00:00

— Relationships with a 20-year age gap have a 95% chance of splitting up.

This is a myth, repeated many times, but still a myth

Even in the piece of garbage articles that you read it from (in the original one) it is "955 higher chance of divorce" (which is a different thing, although, still a lie)

If you check actual research, 20 year age gap couples have roughly the same chances of divorce and actually it is even lower for couples with older male.

Besides that, as far as "what women want" is a man that is a bit taller than them and a bit older (I don't remember exact hotspot but it is between 5-12cm for height and 3-5 years for age)

DistributionLittle28 · 2022-07-13T14:48:32+00:00

My husband and I have been together since high school. It’s been 10 years, and we are just under 2 years separated in age. We graduated together, and share many of the same life experiences. I think that makes it easier for us to understand and empathize with one another. On the other hand, we also had zero experience with sex or a true proper relationship before one another. So we aren’t comparing or thinking of an encounter with another partner. We’re able to just completely love and appreciate each other as we are uninhibited.

Pilling_it · 2022-07-13T17:38:36+00:00

Or is it because of common stages in life?

That is a big part of it. People laser focus around 35 for these kind of data as the cutoff point for some mix of people being at the peak of attractiveness and the age where it's becoming too late to both for women (not to mention the shift in priority changing).

What they fail to get is that they are at very different point in their life. I'm 26 currently, and my cutoff is moving slowly from 19 to 20 because the older I get the more insufferable this feels (obviously room for exceptions, but you know).

Someone at my age wouldn't get along with someone a bit over thirty either in a classic case : one is starting to have shit figured but it's still forming, the other will be thinking about family. If they don't and the other do later,that's still a breakup reason. And don't get me started on someone that's 23 and the other 33.

Obviously it matters less on a 35 and 45 case as it's kind of a similar spot where the question of kids is mostly said and done, as well as maturity (brains being fully done around 25).

Generally women seek guys 3-4 years older because of maturity/experience, regardless of how true it ends up actually be on a case per case basis.

FrostedCherie · 2022-07-14T00:59:43+00:00

Are we actually wondering here why two people similar in age - therefore similar in other ways to each other, emotionally closer, connected, compatible, have more in common, and feel more like they are the same "type" of human being in general - do better than couples with an age gap?

Title	Why do small age gap relationships fare better?
Author	_Excellent_Tree_
Upvotes	25
Comments	80
Date	July 12, 2022 11:16 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/vxohob/why_do_small_age_gap_relationships_fare_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-small-age-gap-relationships-fare-better.1123005 https://theredarchive.com/post/1123005

Comments

This is a myth, repeated many times, but still a myth

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