Please help me know if what I did was really wrong or he is overreacting.

RainbowKitty77 · 2017-10-29T02:59:00+00:00

I don't understand why you believe he absolutely can't do it. Like why can't he learn to?

Cardiscappa · 2017-10-29T01:40:37+00:00

You disrespected him greatly. He wanted to provide for you, provide something you wanted and something he made and you laughed at him. You laughed and mocked him being a man.

I'd recommend reading For Women Only. There's an entire chapter on respect. If you get the Kindle version tonight, you'll likely be finished the book by Sunday night.

StepfordInTexas · 2017-10-29T02:15:29+00:00

It’s baffling to me that you think you can insult your husband and somehow he is the one in the wrong in your mind.

Not only did you insult him by saying he couldn’t provide for your wants financially, you then said he couldn’t provide for your wants with his skills. Then you continued on and on.

I agree with pp; you need to read For Women Only tonight. Then go bake him a pie. And say nothing negative to him at all going forward.

FleetingWish · 2017-10-29T02:23:02+00:00

Oh god, please stop. Seriously, take your fist and shove it in your mouth. You have no idea what kind of power you yield with your tongue. Until you understand the power your mouth possesses, keep your fist firmly shoved in there.

Your mouth firmly secure? Okay, lets move on.

If you wanted to destroy your whole relationship in a single sentence, you would be hard pressed to find a better way.

This is not just a small mistake, this is a huge one. Let's look at what he says to you:

Until now you have been the only person who has encouraged me to do things not even I knew I was capable of, and I would have done that table for you if you asked me, I would have done anything, no matter how long would take me

Wow. You've spent years (it sounds like) making this man feel like he could do anything. You made him feel like he could do anything he could put his mind to. You made him feel powerful and capable, you are the ultimate support system for a man who feels great about himself, and what he can achieve in life. Then in a second, you destroy it. You tell him you have no confidence in his abilities, and it doesn't matter how hard he tries at something he's going to fail, because there are some things he is just not capable of. Why would you tell him that? Do you truly believe persistence can't pay off?

I'm sorry, but this isn't about a stupid table. This is about taking something really nice and generous that he wanted to do for you, and not only rejecting it, but destroying his self worth in the process. You screwed up. I don't care if he puts a box in the middle of the room and calls it a table, your man is trying to do something for you. He is trying to learn a brand new skill to make you a nice gift, and you stomp all over the gesture and his confidence.

Let me tell you something, he is capable of making the stupid table. He's capable of it because he's determined and ambitious, and also because he wanted to do something nice for you, and he wasn't going to let any stupid road blocks like "not knowing anything about carpentry" get in his way. Now he's capable of it to show to his stupid wife (and himself) that he is capable of it. He is going to do it, but now, instead of doing it for you, he's doing it to spite you.

Now, if all this wasn't bad enough... this happens:

I told him I did know he was a super man capable of many things, but making that particular table was just out of his reach. I reaffirmed it was impossible for him

You doubled down on your position. Why? Why would you do that?! Stop it! Stop making yourself into a monster. Stop telling your husband he is stupid for wanting to do things for you. Stop telling him he is not capable of learning a new skill. Stop actively standing in the way of him believing he can become a better person. Stop being a negative force in his life, you were a positive one just a couple days ago.

I don't even know if I can fix this at this point. The first thing you have to do is realize you were wrong here. Not because you didn't believe he was the most amazing carpenter ever, but because you didn't believe he could become one, because you believed he was incapable of learning what so many men have been learning for centuries. Maybe he's not going to become a master artisan overnight, but he is not going to give up until he's satisfied with his abilities. You should be encouraging him to become better and learn new things. Do you also tell children learning to draw that their drawings are stupid? Your husband believes (believed?) in your words. He gained strength in the fact that you believed in him and it made him believe in himself. He doesn't exist in a vacuum your words hurt him, he is only able to be "superman" because he has you creating the assurance he needs, when he can't have faith in him self.

It will be pretty much impossible at this point to repair your relationship. Try begging for forgiveness, and telling him you do believe in him and when that fails, try downloading some table blue prints off the internet and giving them to him, or checking out some helpful books from the library. Your relationship will be an uphill battle from here on out trying to restore his faith that you will have his back.

TheBunk_TB · 2017-10-29T01:58:12+00:00

You cut the man hard. You screwed up and then dug a deeper hole.

Ariel125 · 2017-10-29T02:01:35+00:00

well just imagine you telling him you want to go back to school for STEM and he laughs in your face and tells you that's a little out of your reach as a woman? It's the same thing. What you did and said was very hurtful and he has a right to be angry and distant.

SouthernAthena · 2017-10-29T05:39:16+00:00

Take a deep breath. You are married. He needs to blow off steam, but he will come back.

You clearly hit a nerve with him. It sounds like you have been a great support system for him in the past and perhaps in a way no one else in his life has been (parents, friends). He took a bid for your approval by deciding to try to make something that was important to you, and you laughed in his face and told him it was impossible.

To him this translates as "I have no faith in you. You are ridiculous to me."

He then gave you the chance to make things right and you told him he was acting like a child, adding further salt in the wound. He feels betrayed by his primary support system.

When he comes back, apologize. Tell him how much you value all of the things he's done for you in the past (be specific) and that you have ultimate faith in him to be a provider. Say that you got so distracted by an object (table) in a store that you completely missed the incredibly thoughtful gesture of his to make it for you. Tell him his willingness to strive for you is one of his best qualities.

Best of luck.

kaylin_xx3 · 2017-10-29T01:48:04+00:00

Your husband reminds me of my husband. He sounds very sweet, and would do anything for you. Not only did you doubt his abilities, but laughed at him. I completely understand why he's upset. And not only that, but he told you why he was upset and you told him he's being ridiculous and childish? That's a no go. Your reaction indicates disrespect, in my opinion.

He thinks he is capable of building this table for you, it would be very satisfying for him to do this and provide what you want to make you happy, because he wants to see you happy. He is determined to do this now, especially so because you, his wife, a very important person to him, has said he can't.

I'll be honest, sometimes I doubt my husband will do something he says he will. I think many people do. But how you react is very important. I do everything I can to not show any doubt in my husband. If he fails, I am there to support him, not say "I told you you couldn't do it."

lolablackbird · 2017-10-29T03:27:01+00:00

Giiiiiirlllllll, you done fucked up

naughtyhotty · 2017-10-29T09:05:43+00:00

He sounds so sweet :( Please know that You're so lucky to have someone who is willing to try and build something for you!!!! I think that's romantic and manly. And brag-worthy to say your man builds stuff for you!

i understand why he was hurt Even if the table was like, really high-quality or designer and you know he can't make it the same... He said he would try until he got it perf. You should've at least let him try, and give him critiques on the table so it can improve.

redpilledsub · 2017-10-29T03:27:31+00:00

Yuck. He deserves better than all that. Why be with a man if you belittle him in that way?

justanotherusername4 · 2017-10-29T13:22:40+00:00

This. is. not. about. a. table.

As long as you think it is, you don't get it.

teaandtalk · 2017-10-29T02:11:16+00:00

Women want love, men want respect. Laughing at his skills/abilities is greatly disrespectful. And part of being a good wife is being supportive, and building your partner up, not tearing down his aspirations. You have some apologising to do.

And FWIW, I have a computer-type husband too & I was a little incredulous when he started talking about building things. But then, I watched him use his skills to carefully make a 3d model of something he wanted to build, and realised that what he lacks in practical experience, he makes up for in intelligence & creativity.

Loveisahealer · 2017-10-29T12:45:27+00:00

Always let your man do whatever he sets out to do for you, and never discourage him. You should have let him make that table and when that thang busted down on y’all in the middle of dinner you could have had a good laugh and created a memory to tell your kids. Your man has to always think that you think he is the best thing ever or somebody at work will, honey...

Appelgreen · 2017-10-29T02:27:45+00:00

You are all right. I didn't think of his intentions before nor seen the bigger picture. Thank you for the harsh and eye-opening opinions, I think I really needed other women point of view on the matter.

Wissenschaft85 · 2017-10-30T21:06:59+00:00

Let me put this in another way, how many men do you know are willing to learn new skills in order to please their wives? For no other reason then to please them.

You just found out you were lucky enough to have one of these men and your first instinct was to laugh at him.........

Whisper · 2017-10-29T01:46:20+00:00

"I belittled and insulted my man by telling him he was incompetent and couldn't learn things.

Then he got angry, which I found very mysterious and puzzling.

So I said it again, this time using small words so his tiny brain would understand. I explained to him that he was being childish, and should just listen to superior adult brains like mine.

But instead of thanking me for explaining to him how useless he was, thereby saving him the hopeless effort of trying to improve himself... well, he got even angrier.

Now I'm upset myself... how could he be so selfish as not to anticipate and consider my feelings while I was insulting him?

Perhaps I should stab him in the eye with a fork while he is asleep. Maybe that will calm him down."

If you want your relationship to be as good as it was before you said this, then here's what to do:

Invent a time travel machine.
Go back to five minutes before Incident Zero.
Bludgeon your former self unconscious with a pipe wrench.
Superglue her mouth shut so she can't say anything asinine when they wake her up in the hospital.

If you can't discover time travel, then things will never be quite the same.

In that case, I recommend either joining the Federal Witless Protection Program, and beginning a new life in Czechoslovakia as a lesbian poet, or immediately grovelling and begging forgiveness, with careful attention to getting your tongue into all those tricky bits around the bootlaces, where dried mud can really stick quite stubbornly.

MissNietzsche · 2017-10-30T01:07:25+00:00

Yikes, now I finally understand my boyfriend's reaction when I did almost the same with his singing.

EmbracingThePill · 2017-10-31T20:07:35+00:00

Though I feel the advise here is accurate, something about what he said bothered me. I expect him to feel very hurt and angry by such a hurtful comment. I expect him to withdraw. I expect him to say everything he said (which was deep, concise and honest). What I do not understand is everything she has been up to this point is now erased with one bad comment. No one is perfect. We all say things we shouldn't and make mistakes. It really sounds, by his own words, she has always been incredible towards him. Now she says one stupid thing (granted she does it like 3 times) but now suddenly she is no longer what he thought? Now he has lost his respect for her? As if the countless times she has been there before now means nothing. That seems overly dramatic and unacceptable. Although I would like to see if he is just saying it out of hurt right now. And since she has not deeply apologized which is what is needed.

global_sak · 2017-12-10T21:27:09+00:00

You completely brought him down. You told him he is uncapable of giving you what you want no matter how hard he tries.

Expect a divorce if you dont have children. Cheers!

gELSK · 2017-10-30T01:01:04+00:00

// , "That said, I told him that was impossible for him and I admit I laughed a little, but..."

If you were a guy, and he related that story to his guy friends or a psych, they'd probably start talking about "removing toxic influences" and such.

I see my mom lob this kind of stuff at my father all the time, and I have told them both that it has resulted in cutting my time spent around them by about 50% to 75%.

gELSK · 2017-10-30T01:05:58+00:00

// , Someone needs to cross post this to MRP in the Shit Tests category.

EmbracingThePill · 2017-10-31T19:11:34+00:00

I think you got some really good advise here and I don't have much to add other than what kind of freaking table is this that your super awesome, talented and determined husband could not possibly make in his wildest dreams?? I'm not kidding. Post a picture of this thing.

I feel sadness for your husband when I read his responses to you. The first time and even more the second time. I'm a complete stranger on the internet. I feel I have more compassion and sympathy for him than you do.

LateralThinker13 · 2017-11-08T15:28:16+00:00

Please help me understand what's happening. I love my man, but I'm a bit hurt by his last words and I still think is something really small to worry about. I could have just bought another table.

1) If you just wanted another table, you should have just bought it and not brought it up. That's not the issue.

2) He saw you as someone different from everybody else. He thought you were a RPW.

"I never expected hearing these words from you, and I'm sorry if you think this is dramatic, but it was really hurtful coming from you"

Right there. He perceives that you're acting just like all of the other negative, critical women out there who don't support or believe in their husbands. That you're blue pill instead.

I told him I did know he was a super man capable of many things, but making that particular table was just out of his reach. I reaffirmed it was impossible for him, but that didn't matter to me and I love him anyway, so please stop acting like a child.

Despite that he always steps up for you, learns new things for you, does for you, you undermined his proven ability with disbelief and flat-out rejection. AND you called him a child. Not a man, not an adult, a child. And by your own admission, he seems very, very capable and willing to learn new skills, so where did this all come from?

IS this the real you? Is this a side of your personality that you've been hiding all this time? ARE you really blue-pill deep down? What made you go down that road, hard enough that you doubled down on it not once but TWICE?

Then he tells you this:

You have no idea how unfair you are being

True statement.

I recommend you to meditate of what you are doing because I'm not going to tolerate an obstacle in my life.

If you won't stand with me, support me and believe in me (like I have with you) then we're done. If you won't be my partner, I won't carry you and I certainly won't let you drag me down.

I thought you were here to encourage me, not the opposite.

Turns out you're just like all the others. It just took you longer to get there.

Sure, its not easy either nor I'm talented, but I've learned and done harder things for you in the past, and I would have done this for you too.

He's always stepped up and got it done before. He would have done this too.

Instead, you decide to tell me I'm being childish and ridiculous. I decided to give you some time to reconsider your words and actions, but I see it was in vain. You have changed. The woman I fell in love with would have thrown a saw and hammer as soon as I offered to make her table. I lost my respect for you."

And that's it. The marriage you built, with an awesome guy, is now dead. You shot it, he acknowledged the murder, and we're here for the forensics on it.

So why'd you do it?

Tell us, OP, what made you change enough that you undercut your man to this extent, stood your ground on your position to this extent, and nuked your marriage? What changed in you? Because it doesn't sound like he changed. This is all you.

jb_trp · 2017-10-30T17:25:01+00:00

He's trying to be nice and give you something you want, and you absolutely won't give him a chance. Just give him a chance and let him try to make you something similar to what you want. If he does, you both win (plus, wouldn't it be more meaningful for your husband to make you the table you want instead of spending a bunch of money on on?). If he can't, it will be a learning experience, but absolutely do not throw it in his face (e.g. "I told you so...").

But it's a table, right? He's not building a spaceship? Do you have a pic of this table?

The-os2 · 2017-10-29T16:46:57+00:00

Holy shit, this didn't happen to me but I felt my honor breaking down reading this. How the f * ck can't you see what the f * ck you were doing?

MentORPHEUS · 2017-10-30T19:06:00+00:00

Lots of good advice and commentary in this thread already. What I can add to the discussion is this. Whether or not a woman grew up with a father who can fix things around the house is an important compatibility factor for a handyman-type. It's not something that's always easy to learn to appreciate in adulthood.

Rivkariver · 2017-10-31T02:56:52+00:00

Why would you even say that? A husband who wants to build for you and you tell him he's going to suck at it. No one but men especially don't like being discouraged in their dreams or told they will fail. You should believe in him.

If your reason is it will take too much time then you should have told him you are so happy he offered and believe in him but are worried about the time commitment. Maybe you can damage control by saying that's what you meant.

Don't shut down men's dreams. If a man wants to tell you about the dream mansion in Italy he wants and it's not remotely feasible, don't laugh just listen. It really hurts them to shut it down but will mean the world if you get into it.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2017-10-31T03:13:25+00:00

Change his diaper. It might make him feel better.

uebermacht · 2017-11-04T05:04:57+00:00

Any updates?

Title	Please help me know if what I did was really wrong or he is overreacting.
Author	Appelgreen
Upvotes	27
Comments	61
Date	October 29, 2017 1:05 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/79dszy/please_help_me_know_if_what_i_did_was_really/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/please-help-me-know-if-what-i-did-was-really-wrong.2705 https://theredarchive.com/post/2705

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