Does anyone else have trouble ending things when it's time to "move on"?

Workamaholic · 2021-01-10T20:08:58+00:00

Same situation as you. I would say first off, do breakups in person, even though it sucks and may seem brutal to you it's the right thing to do. Blindside or no, it's just something that takes strength and integrity to do. Don't text breakup or phone break up. It just sucks to be on the other end of that. The way you treat others tends to come around.

Second off, and I'm saying this for myself but maybe it will ring true to you. I was definitely dating women to distract myself from my own purpose and some introspection. It's fun to attract women, it's fun to feel attractive and seduce someone, I was just on a path for a while where it became automatic, and I realized through some heartbreak of my own, that I was going through the motions because I didn't really know what I wanted. I SAID I knew what I wanted but it wasn't true, it was what society would expect me to want, and I didn't want to take time to come to terms with that. So, I distracted myself with women. I wish I would have spent a bit more time alone to not just know, but also believe and act upon what I actually wanted out of life. I ended up hurting people even though I had no intention to, and I regret that but I really regret hurting and betraying myself for not summoning up the courage to accept what I want and not settle for anything less.

Seduction is fun, when things start to click and your eyes open up to see how to create attraction it becomes addictive, but like anything else, it can get out of hand if it is taking all the focus in your life. I realize that I had a pretty low bar when I was dating before. It was like this (Do I want to sleep with them?) and if the answer was yes, game on.

I'm realizing how dumb that was because although I had other things I was looking for, if they passed the fuckability test I would keep them going. I'm working on myself a lot more now, found a purpose, sticking to it, and trying to build a better relationship with myself, next time I date I'm going to have a strict code, I remember Mark Manson said a great rule in dating is that "if it's not a fuck yes from both people, it should be a no." I foolishly thought it was like, well I want to have sex with her and she wants to have sex with me, fuck yes, we're good to go, but that was wrong.

I think deep down you know what you want, but you may not be accepting that yet, I think maybe, like me, you are looking for the answer in someone else and the sad but honest truth is, it's not in them, never will be. The sooner we all accept and love that fact, the better off we'll all be.

HimBalanceHer · 2021-01-10T19:40:19+00:00

I’ve learned the the way to make sure the girl doesn’t get attached is to continually reassure her that you guys are NOT exclusive or dating. It’s just companionship when you need it and sexual satisfaction. Don’t do date stuff and stay away from furthering the relationship.

Eventually when you want to have a relationship, communicate it clearly and see if she is receptive to the idea. (No joke, my guy did this to me for a long time... we ended up having a relationship but only when he was ready and I couldn’t find anyone else like him. Took about a year...)

nightkiller11 · 2021-01-11T00:06:44+00:00

Just tell them. Be honest about it. I don't get why guys don't say I am not into being a relationship. There are girls out there that just want casual dates. I give mad respect to guys who are just honest about their situation

ZidaneLoire · 2021-01-10T20:44:07+00:00

Be honest from the get to.

You'll be surprised with how many girls want what you do.

scorp-rising · 2021-01-10T20:55:12+00:00

Echoing other comments - Be honest from the start. It’s also a good idea to let someone know about your intent before you sleep with them. Dating someone for weeks/ months indicates a serious interest. It’s okay to change your mind but how you’re approaching this could easily be mistaken for intentionally misleading someone. I wouldn’t follow any advice about treating women like crap, objectifying them, or in general engaging in douchebag behavior if you eventually want a LTR/Marriage.

You don’t have to overtly express or define things to indicate interest on a serious level. If someone is seeing you for weeks or months that’s a long time and usually indicates the relationship is progressing. It seems as if you lose interest after sleeping with someone or when things start to get serious which is inevitably misleading. Take a break and re evaluate how you approach dating or you might just end up treating a real potential partner like crap intentionally or unintentionally.

mrscyimsofly · 2021-01-10T20:27:07+00:00

Not all women (you're in your 30s i hope they are not "girls") are fine with friends with benefits situations if you are honest upfront. The whole "dating" thing is what people do to lead into ltr. Question I have is why are you dating people you aren't that into? Is it just to get access to the goods? Cause that might be the issue. You'd be surprised with how many women are fine with the fwb arrangement if they know upfront, because they can adjust their expectations as well. Just keep it 💯 from the start and if they catch feelings you can revisit the details of your arrangement. I personally don't catch feelings easily at all and have the opposite problem of you.

InternationalBorder9 · 2021-01-11T00:48:23+00:00

As someone who was in almost the exact circumstances as you Ill say what I learned, which may or may not apply to you.

Deep down you probably know if you are interested in something long term sooner than you let on, if you really think about it. As soon as you know let them know you don't want anything long term (this could easily be 1 or 2 dates in) but open to FWB if they are cool with it and thats what you want. Some will some wont but being honest is always the best. Even if they get upset they'll appreciate it in the long run.
Only date women you are really interested in from the very start. I know this was one for me, there was some women I wasn't super excited about but thought why not? Go on a date and see what happens. I was a bit inexperienced in dating and while this gave me some invaluable experiences I wouldn't do it again. I feel like you would be at that point where you've dated enough to hold out for the ones that really excite you, even if that means going without for a while.
Theres probably a reason your living like this, (dating women to the point of them sleeping with you) maybe it gives you validation, feeling of success etc. to have women there who like you and want to sleep with you. And Im not saying you are dragging them along and being a dick about it but you probably know deep down with some of these women its not going anywhere long term pretty early on. Like me theres probably a void of some kind in your life or some issue of some kind.

Anyway a lot of that is just my experiences or coming from what ive realised about my behaviour. Hope theres something in there that helps!

precisedevice · 2021-01-10T19:17:28+00:00

Sounds like a part of you likes creating these really unfortunate situations with these women, otherwise you’d take it upon yourself to let them know that you aren’t looking for anything serious. Have you considered therapy to help unpack this?

cruz_93-j · 2021-01-10T23:16:52+00:00

I’m 27m and after going through a horrible time after a breakup I was meeting girls just to have sex with. Same as you I’m decent looking make decent income and am alright at attracting girls. I travel for my job (geotechnical construction) so I move from state to state city to city. I meet a girl or a couple through a dating app and we always hit it off.

My problem is that I treat these girls like girlfriend material because why not they are spending time with me and giving me the goods so we go out to eat have long talks go find awesome spots to hike because I’m from out of town and I see them as a sort of tour guide. I am always upfront with them I tell them I’m from out of town and will go away and probably never go back. Yet some of these girls get way too attached a couple even contacting me down the road saying they might be pregnant. I don’t like that feeling that they are sad or mad or angry that I’m not trying to build a relationship with them. Even when it’s clear and more so at the beginning of 2020 when I was going through super serious heartbreak issues. Should I just be more of an ahole.

Doc1000 · 2021-01-11T00:20:32+00:00

Write down your yes-es and no-s for a woman you want to be in a relationship with. The no-s are more important than yes-es. If you dont want to be with someone, determine what is not vibing and write it down. Can be things like neediness or she feeds you with her fingers, or completely diff music or her dog or involved family drive you crazy. Write it down. If it sounds like an excuse, maybe work on you. If it really bothers you, you can use that list going into an in-person breakup in a private/neutral/outdoor place. Be kind but matter of fact. Way more likely to get a sane breakup and future friend.

And yes, hard to actually do, especially if you only “kind of” want to break up. My 2¢

imsexc · 2021-01-10T18:23:45+00:00

Girls became attached after sex is normal and natural. You just can't see her too often. treat her like a fvck buddy to mitigate that effect.

diceykoala · 2021-01-10T18:10:55+00:00

Yup. Same here. The longer I hold off from banging them the more I'm interested, so I have learned about myself. First time sex.. no way I'll be interested weeks later. Quick anal? Wont be attracted after another week. Two months of getting to know her? Whole different story.

I've also made an active effort to step up the quality of girls I will go after. Making it more likely to find the one I want to settle down with, then purposefully not trying to have sex with her quickly. Give it time to develop, make that sock you jizz into get nice and crusty then no tugging for a few days then drive that nail through her wall. Give her a good licking too so she will come back for more.

paddywacknack · 2021-01-10T22:42:58+00:00

God I hate this sub. 1. Stop fucking people you don’t really like, in their vaginas or in their heads. 2. Why is a man in his 30s so emotionally unintelligent that he keeps putting people through a cycle of pursuing, then fucking, then doing everything LTR relationships are about...just to end it? And then you think you have good intentions despite knowing you are going to repeat the cycle again?? 3. You really need to stop fucking people and making them think you are investing in them, or else you’re an abuser who isn’t honest about their intentions. SAY YOU WANT A FUCKBUDDY. UP FRONT. Your Krustycumrag is your friend. Stick to it.

nellys-nillys · 2021-01-11T00:23:54+00:00

It's so hard for me. I hate losing people

Woogie1234 · 2021-01-11T03:40:46+00:00

Are you me two years in the future?

Paltenburg · 2021-01-11T09:41:37+00:00

Ah yeah I get you. It sucks to break it up.

But if it's inevitable is it's inevitable.. And I get from your post that you want to be as nice as possible about it, so that's good. And it's not about men vs women or men taking advantage of women.. I've been in your situation but the other way round, where she told me after 3 months that she didn't feel it anymore. It just happens.

I my opinion (and where I'm from and such) this isn't really a thing anymore:

I always feel like a dick at this point because we have been sleeping together

Because with almost every single girlfriend I've had in the past years, we've had sex the first night. So the culture of liberal and equal sex kinda relieves this burden of feeling like you "took advantage".

superneedy21 · 2021-01-11T12:43:02+00:00

Honestly...what goes around comes around... you're just echoing their (the ones who did this, not all women) behavior from the teenage years...

superneedy21 · 2021-01-11T12:55:59+00:00

It's kinda like throwing away food in first world countries when kids are starving in Africa. I'm not gonna call you out on it, but there is a feeling that something isn't quite right.

CyberGeekGirl · 2021-01-10T19:04:07+00:00

Jesus f Christ this is me right now. Been with the guy 11 years, I’ve always told him I want to be married and that not to would be a deal breaker. He always assured me this is what he wanted with me.

Only, It took him 10 of those 11 years to divorce his ex wife which of course means we never married. I feel totally conned. But I’m having trouble on whether to Chuck away the 11 years and start afresh, or just accept this is never going to happen. I feel so bitter about the whole thing.

OkPersonality9620 · 2021-01-10T21:07:57+00:00

Buddy.. I deal with the same issue. I was googling ways to deal with this a while back and I found this answer on quora that I related to 100%. Probably won’t help you much but it’s comforting to know people deal with the same issue. You’re not an asshole and neither am I, hopefully one day we find our Cinderella

https://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-lose-complete-interest-in-a-woman-immediately-after-sex?top_ans=173913762

blackmorty · 2021-01-10T20:27:24+00:00

Focus on yourself. Try to go for better looking and more aspirational girls. They will be attracted to your drive and confidence.

modidlee · 2021-01-10T21:40:20+00:00

People nowadays will give access to their bodies to people they’d barely speak to on the street. That’s backwards. Sex isn’t meant to be this casual thing you just do with anyone.

grimbasement · 2021-01-10T23:02:33+00:00

It all depends on what your values are. You should never feel bad about about living your core. Sure breaking up isn't fun but you absolutely should live your core with integrity.

mrscyimsofly · 2021-01-10T22:53:26+00:00

Their, fuck I do know the difference between there and their..

IronxXXLung · 2021-01-11T01:02:44+00:00

(29M) Having sex literally releases bonding hormones for both parties, that's why they are getting attached. If you are not looking for a relationship and just want something casual you should tell them straight up before having sex. You may not be telling them you don't want a LTR, but they don't know that unless you explicitly state that, be honest to them, they deserve it and might stop them from getting attached. They might not sleep with you after you admit that, but that's the price of being a good man.

If you actually hit a point where you are interested in having a LTR don't have sex right away, see if you have a bond before the sex chemicals MAKE you have a bond (or them). That's my 2 cents.

I had a girl who I expressly said to I was not looking for a relationship right off the start, we ended up having sex a few times but even still I could tell she was getting attached, so I just started to distance myself from her. I love sex like any guy does, but to continue when I know that she wants more would just be not right.

Coconut-Lemon_Pie · 2021-01-10T21:48:56+00:00

Eventually I do want a long term relationship

Eventually you do, but you don't now? Or you just haven't found the right woman yet and it's hard for you to initiate break ups? Sounds like you're leading them on from the start by not being upfront about wanting to keep it casual (no ltr). If you're not talking about it then women are going to assume you actually want a ltr. Of course they are going to get attached after sex, it's an intimate thing for most people. Looks like you lead them on for weeks or months so you can keep having sex with them or hanging around/not being lonely and once they figure out it isn't going anywhere (because you're not ready for a ltr or you don't see a future with them?) it ends badly and you have to start the whole process over. Just be straight forward with them. Easy. You may not be able to attract as many women though, but it sounds like you just need a fwb honestly. It feels bitter and shameful only if you know you are leading them on. Like you already decided days/weeks/months ago that you don't see a future in them, but you still want to bang, so you continue (perhaps while looking for someone new to replace them so you're not alone after you cut them off). I think if this is the case, the only way to feel better about it is to have a fwb and date on the side. Then you don't have to worry about not getting laid and you can cut off the fwb once you find someone you can see a future with :)

8ashaB4P · 2021-01-11T00:54:37+00:00

I think you may not know what it is you want or are looking for. I spent my 20s in a series of seductions that met needs I chose to bring to the forefront of my life. It was exciting, and fun. I discovered my passion for a certain type of relationship, and found myself skilled at obtaining just that.

Then I experienced something devastating that changed the literal game for me. Through that experience, and fighting through a massive depression, I came out on the other side looking differently at the qualities of my current partner. Instead of prioritizing mystery, seduction, and sex, I started paying more attention to his values, and the core of his character.

I will admit it took me months to get in a good groove of satisfying sex, and I was constantly tempted to give up or cheat (which I've done in previous relationships). I just kept wanting to spend time with them, and recognizing all the building blocks of what I've come to find out is exactly what I had been looking for. Now, I'm incredibly grateful I stuck with the process because I'm unbelievably happy with both the emotional and sexual aspects of the relationship. My greatest seductive achievement.

All this to say: I sincerely hope you don't have to go through an earth shattering event to change your perspective a bit; however, it would likely be worth to explore, whether it be therapy or just changing up your routine. Something to help you open up to new possibilities.

littlebroom · 2021-01-11T02:50:50+00:00

This entire post and thread makes me feel sick

ShoulderFormal · 2021-01-11T03:28:21+00:00

Just a women's point of view. Please accept this only as an example. I am poly and date for the pure pleasure of having unique connections. I do not work toward any LTR or contract. I juggle multiply partners of different identities as well. This is what I have observed.

Men and women typically date with a goal in mind. So ask? What is your intention in your search? I get a lot of interesting answers.
Typically but not always. Just looking for sex is pursued differently. This a not based on gender but on their disposition and temperament. Men tend to portray a dating progression for fear that they will lose the chance of more if they do want it. Women are complex creatures. We are also intuitive. If you say FB to us. You are left in that box unless we feel there is potential later. These are generalizations. Yes, these can be wrong. But if you say that then say your emotionally attached we are confused. Now some women build relationships in their minds. This can be prevented by having conversation about intention.
In my case I put the cards out on the table day one. So in my case, if you play said game above. I will call you out. Yes, I can sleep with a man who I will never marry. Yep, I have those I can hang with and never touch. Friend zone is real. As a woman I am tired of the stringing along that men think will secure some kind of chance. Respect will be earned by putting your cards on the table too.
The act of being honest is a joke. Everyone gives half-truths regardless of identity. Why? Well, I have yet to meet someone who can handle the truth. (example: I asked one of my boyfriends this... Is it ok to sleep with a partner for the pure pleasure of sex. He said yes. Then I rephrased it. Is it ok for a women to do the same with no repercussions? He was speechless) I represent a new generation of women. We all want honesty till we have to face what reality is. I present this as just a point of view. Nothing more then what I am living by in my own processes. I do not do a lot of dating for this reason. I do not tolerate what our culture dictates as normal. Ghost me no problem. I am only seeing who a person is through thier own actions. I am very aware due to my experience of what lines are used and why. So it takes a very honest person with decent intentions to win my attention. Hige respect for true honesty.

paddywacknack · 2021-01-11T03:56:30+00:00

You need to suck it up and tell her your intentions early on. Ideally before you have sex. Make it clear you aren't looking to settle down but, aren't opposed to it if the right person comes along.

That way when you end things you're not a dick.

Right now you're being a dick.

harvey_croat · 2021-01-11T06:19:45+00:00

I had the same situation and I found my root cause. Google term attachment theory and you will find Secure, Anxiety and Avoidant personality. I have mixture of Anxiety/Avoidant personality where is situation when woman don't want me I'm trying to prove that I'm worthy and obsessed with her and on the other side when woman gets attached I flee from that relationship. 50% of people are secure, 20/20% are avoidant/anxiety and 10% is mixture.

Look, if you want relationship that lasts you have to be Secure type of man or be with Secure type of woman. It took me 30 years to get it. Literally.

Three months ago I met great woman, but after sex I was avoiding her for a little bit. This time I figure it out and gave opportunity to go out my comfort zone.

It is going better and I'm really happy how my avoidant style killed relationships.

Look out for book called Attached New Science... and it changed my romantic life

Hit me up in chat if you want to work on yourself

calvinjoe12 · 2021-01-11T06:49:00+00:00

Notice how you recieve the most success when you’re not thinking about LTR’s when pursuing women? Keep doint what you’ve done and when you’ve found the right one (wont know until you spend a large enough sample time with her), wait for her to bring up the “well what are we?” question and go from there...spinning plates is something you should continue to do if you’re having success generally with it as a single man, then you’ll naturally find the right girl without pursuing with that LTR as your goal/purpose

duckylovesolaf · 2021-01-11T08:03:48+00:00

Be honest from the start (as everyone else has said).

Being on the other side of this recently, I have to say, please don’t say you’re invested and see a future if you don’t. You will behave (subconsciously) like you don’t care and be saying that you do. It’s super confusing. And don’t talk about a future if you don’t think it’s going to happen.

Most importantly: leave the poor woman alone if you’re not that into her. It’s not fair and you’re wasting her time. Either it’s there or it’s not.

foxglovebb · 2021-01-11T08:30:47+00:00

Have you considered being upfront about what you are looking for from the beginning? There are lots of people who are open about just wanting a fwb. It kind of sounds like you are leading them on to get what you want and when you get it you move on to the next..

Railionn · 2021-01-11T09:21:59+00:00

You're dating the wrong women my man. Date a woman who has power and a dominant but sweet character. One who isn't afraid to call you out and one who makes you work for her. I've had the same stuff, boring woman are no fun to be with.

wallynext · 2021-01-11T11:00:39+00:00

I’m a guy and I am usually on the other side, I am the one who gets attached first, as someone who is on the other side (gets attached first) I thank you for your consideration of the other persons feelings. Here’s some advice but do take it with a grain of salt because its my opinion after all: be sincere, communicate that you are not interested in a LTR with that person, there is no shame in that and its not your fault! Like someone said here, do it in person, it sucks I know, but trust me its the right thing to do. Secondly try to understand why you want marriage and stuff but never find the right person, look inward, are you afraid? Do you unconsciously choose people that you know will never amount to a relationship? Or is there anything else? A therapist is very helpful in these situations (And by suggesting a therapist by no means am I implying you have any kind of problem, a therapist should be seen as someone who can guide you in your journey inwards and to understand yourself better). Also you will never find the perfect girl like there never is a perfect time or place for things to happen, perfection doesnt exist. Take care man, good luck!

omh31 · 2021-01-11T14:12:24+00:00

You’re in your 30s, most women assume men in their 30s are mature and probably looking for more commitment than a guy in his 20s (not always true). Also you say “get attached” as if it’s a bad thing. When you’re with someone (not just casually hooking up/FWB/one night stands) sex is intimate, so of course anyone would think that the relationship is progressing and therefore “get attached” after having sex in that context. If I were you I’d seriously think about what you’re looking for in this long term partner you’ve built up in your head. It sounds to me like you’re into the chase and get bored/afraid when it comes time to actually commit. If this had just happened a few times I wouldn’t be so harsh but as it’s a pattern I have to think it’s a you issue not the other way around. Unless you have the shittiest intuition in the world, it’s pretty easy to tell within a few dates if this is someone you see yourself committing to in the long term. How about try not sleeping with people you don’t see a ltr with or being upfront with these people that you’re not looking for something serious (with them)? That will keep them from feeling like you just used them for sex and you will feel less guilty when it comes time to break things off. Overall it’s concerning that it takes you months to figure out if you like someone enough to commit to them, so maybe it’s time to think if you’re actually interested in commitment right now or if you should stick to casually dating and be honest about that with everyone involved, including yourself. best, late 20s F

aafonsodias · 2021-01-11T15:18:41+00:00

Is it possible you are addicted to orgasm and you are using people as a means to get off?

If so, don't you think this is the problem? Sex should be something divine, it is how we come to this world, it shouldn't be so "cheap".

Maybe you wont find a good match until you have found within yourself the satisfaction you lack which makes you go out in search of short term pleasure. Because in my experience I am the problem, I break up with girls thinking they are not perfect and I will find someone better, but no one is perfect and no one will have it all together. Sure we can find a better match, but sometimes it's really because I am looking at girls externally as a way to get off rather than looking at them as beings much more complex.

As you described you feel guilty because you know something is not being done right. I think we shouldn't play with women's hearts like that because we are ruining that girl for the next fella who might be really into her for more than just a quick fuck. Basically using them for masturbation... people are more than that. I think this is the main problem. But it is cultural, when 70% of the internet is porn you know something is twisted. I think we are addicts quite frankly, and sex occupies way more in our minds than it should.

Shadow__Account · 2021-01-21T20:27:27+00:00

This is the main reason I don't live the baller lifestyle I could be living, It's just too heavy for me emotionally.

Title	Does anyone else have trouble ending things when it's time to "move on"?
Author	Krustycumrag
Upvotes	458
Comments	123
Date	January 10, 2021 5:56 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/kuj8mb/does_anyone_else_have_trouble_ending_things_when/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/does-anyone-else-have-trouble-ending-things-when.1508361 https://theredarchive.com/post/1508361

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