First Date: Why is it bad to talk about past relationships?

Puzzleheaded-Fan-208 · 2022-08-22T01:02:09+00:00

I once had a really shitty job with the state. It was hard dealing with angry callers at the best of times, and management lost no opportunity to show us that they hated us.

I got an interview for another job in a different division, and there came a time when the asked me why I wanted the job, which actually has the word "complaint" in the name of the office. I am by nature candid, meaning i usually shoot my mouth off, and I started to say, "It's just that...", to be followed by 5 minutes of me bad mouthing the horrible, horrible people I was working for.

I stopped myself. I said I thought I'd like to try something new, which was not untrue. I got the job, best job i ever had, it paid for my house.

Nobody wants to hear how shitty your old job is, they want to hear why you want THIS job, IF you know what I mean.

Confident-Duck1023 · 2022-08-22T01:39:38+00:00

Comparison is the thief of joy.

CaptainDolin · 2022-08-22T01:15:41+00:00

What's the point? You two are in the now and here and you two are not one of your exes.

Visualize_ · 2022-08-22T04:15:26+00:00

Because a first date really shouldn't be THAT serious. Like you barely know this person, and the first date is a light screen to see if the connection is there, not if all your values line up off the bat.

great_account · 2022-08-22T01:04:03+00:00

I almost always bring up past relationships on a first date. I want an understanding of where this person is coming from and what kind of things they might expect. I think it's important to be honest with yourself about what happened in your most recent relationship. The only red flag for me is bad mouthing an ex. I think a truly self reflective person tries to not hold grudges and tries to understand their own role in why a relationship failed.

Why_am_I_LikeThis27 · 2022-08-22T03:44:16+00:00

Comparison is the thief of joy. Also, I don't think women really appreciate being asked. I don't either tbh.

The above is my personal experience anyways.

Stujitsu2 · 2022-08-22T01:15:09+00:00

Its kinda rude

Off2damoon · 2022-08-22T04:41:15+00:00

Bringing up past relationships is not a hard and fast rule. It should be weaved into the conversation if there is a natural progression into that topic and it would be weird / suspicious / creepy to actively avoid it.

Let's settle this fact right now - Past relationships are not a taboo topic and in fact they are an amazing topic to discuss IF you present your past relationships in a high value manner.

It is the proverbial elephant in the room. You both want to know the answer to the question "if you're so great, why are you single"? Avoidance of the topic does not satisfy the inevitable curiousity and suspicion. So, it is imperative to be able to answer this question.

However, answering the question does not mean you are somehow disclosing dirty, negative, deprecating secrets. Instead, you have a beautiful opportunity to showcase a.). That other women, at some point or another, have validated you as a viable, sexual partner. I.e. "Pre-selection". b.) that you have been capable of commitment. Albeit for a non-eternal duration. c.) that you have high standards that were not met in the past and you are willing to make sacrifices in pursuit of your standards. I.e. Self-respect and courage. d.) that you have empathy by sharing how you understood other women's personalities that were not compatible with yours and despite your differences, you still are capable of respecting and caring about them. e.). That you have grown, matured and have self-awareness from your romantic experiences.

Now perhaps the truth is you had a toxic relationship. Maybe your date would run for the hills if she heard your past reality. Well, this is your opportunity to revisit the "truth" and see if there is a new spin you can take on how your relationship history transpired. All of this can be applied in the reverse direction where you would like to give your date an opportunity to showcase why they too are so great to date even though they're single.

It's best not to proactively pursue this topic but rather simply be prepared and willing to dive right in should the opportunity arise and always maintain a happy / positive attitude while your going down this rabbit hole.

I can attest that this has effectively NEVER failed for me and I have had many successful experiences. Believe it or not - My past relationship stories are an integral part of my game.

jazerac · 2022-08-22T01:30:47+00:00

Just don't.... wtf is the point? You are there to be something new... don't rehash shit.

Comfortable-Unit-897 · 2022-08-22T04:23:15+00:00

I truly do not want to hear about your exes, and surely do not want to meet them!

Could also care less about your body count, as long as you can pass a Full STD test.

2022-08-22T02:04:08+00:00

From one side it’s good to know why the relationship ended (you don’t want to be with a cheat) but from another side it’s bad to tell because not only does it kill the vibe and makes the other person think you’re not over it but most importantly I feel like you shouldn’t tell because you are letting the other person know what you are willing to put up with/tolerate. Maybe I’m too paranoid and wrong! Open to other opinions

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-08-22T10:58:45+00:00

I think you should ask. Because if a woman keeps talking about how horrible her exes are and how they are all cheaters or assholes, it tells you something about the one common denominator - her!

Vitezen · 2022-08-22T18:55:54+00:00

If she had a poor relationship, it's going to be unpleasant and a bad conversation. If she had a great relationship, she might be in a better mood, but she will probably be comparing you unfavorably to her ex. Neither really helps you move the interaction in the direction you want.

Wrong_Resource_8428 · 2022-08-23T00:48:19+00:00

On your first date, you’re just trying to see if you vibe with the other person! The first date should be fun not serious! Do something fun that one or both of you like, and would have done anyway. :)

cobraCL · 2022-08-22T16:13:32+00:00

It's a good thing to talk about, but NOT on a first date.

A first date is intended to incite chemistry, build curiosity and to have fun.

It should absolutely not be a baggage discussion, your date is there to enjoy time getting to know about you, not your exes.

Lukezoftherapture777 · 2022-08-22T01:00:11+00:00

I think its like talking about past failures in life. No 1 wants to bring up failures unless its a prestigious project

MaxProdigal · 2022-08-22T01:34:28+00:00

I think if you really want to get into that a better question is “what’s the best and worst part about dating you?” or maybe a more direct “what would your exes say about you?” rather than talking about a specific relationship. I tend to think that it’s better not to do that at all though. They are gonna tell you through their lens anyway. I’m not sure if it’s the best way to surface red flags

nevertextgoodnight · 2022-08-22T01:43:18+00:00

It's a bad look for a male to bring up a relationship at all

Now if she brings it up then you are correct to not bad mouth your exes and brush it off in a positive light

But how about you just be concerned with showing a lovely lady a fun time and leave your "is she the one" concerns at the door for a night because that'll do you better then chasing her around the room like a scared cat with relationship vibes

mmmxmiaa · 2022-08-22T01:44:33+00:00

I’ve never felt this way when asked about previous relationships. And I almost always ask why their previous relationships didn’t work out

Mc_Dickles · 2022-08-22T02:54:04+00:00

Eh honestly I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking about past relationships, just keep it brief.

It also helps with finding red flags. See how the relationship fell apart, compare their story with how they behave, see if it adds up.

VivaIlSesso · 2022-08-22T05:02:24+00:00

Who ever said dating wasn’t counterproductive?

cronasminate · 2022-08-22T05:09:29+00:00

Bring it up yourself: No

Answer briefly how it ended if they ask: Yes

Bdog5k · 2022-08-22T05:25:30+00:00

People on here don’t care because most people have low standards for themselves and others.

If you care, then ask.

If you don’t care if she could be a cheater with a high body count. Don’t.

WiseMan_Rook22 · 2022-08-22T06:10:41+00:00

Because you can’t change the past. There’s no point in being insecure about their past.

QRIOSworld · 2022-08-22T06:38:16+00:00

It's really not that difficult.

It sounds like you didn't get over them yet;
You're making the other person think you're gonna talk shit about them, too.

This applies to everything in life such as friends, work and whatever. Not just dating.

You don't want to waste your time and money going on several dates

Sounds like you're heading for a disaster. "You're wasting my time and money", such a bitter look on things.. You want a nice lasting relationship and you want to make a fast investment on the first date: pick one. I hate these kind of people, and I'm sure most people looking to date someone do as well.

before finding out they cheated on their partners (of course they wouldn't tell you this, but you get the point).

So what's the point of asking, then? Lol. You're just picking out dummies at best, like the guy in the comments that said they never had a relationship. Newsflash: you're probably never gonna if you keep confessing that.

Maximum-Decision1511 · 2022-08-22T06:44:14+00:00

Yo Why did this exact thing just happen to me tn. (but she had a bf) sat at the park for 45 minutes and talked before I drove her home. No action😔

Maximum-Decision1511 · 2022-08-22T07:17:02+00:00

She failed the door test 😯

incognito3107 · 2022-08-22T07:37:06+00:00

It would be better to ask her ex about it, everyone has their own perspective, and especially girls tend to slightly twist the reality to match her point. You just need to pay attention to emotions, little details and see your potential partner in different situations, that's one of the main purposes of dates. Don't "waste" your time and money on dates, you should enjoy them and check your partner before any financial and emotional commitment.

texaspete3 · 2022-08-22T07:42:36+00:00

Here is a quick synopsis of every woman you will date.

They are all looking for marriage( to some degree we all are). The question is " are you the one displaying high reproductive value. If you aren't then they aren't looking for a relationship, but if brad pitt lands on their doorstep all of a sudden they do want a relationship....

Just cause a woman cheated on her partner doesn't mean she will cheat on you.

You're not approaching this with an abundance mentality. If you were , You wouldn't be concerned with any aspect of her because they moment she displayed a trait that was incongruent with your preferences you would just move on to the next girl.

kettlebell_workout · 2022-08-22T07:43:22+00:00

I don't agree with this statement.

You can talk about past relationship, as long as you say good things about your ex without making seem that you are still into her/him.

If you do it right it could be the best way to DHV.

distawest · 2022-08-22T08:53:49+00:00

Becoming a detective does not pay in this field... You ll look rude and intrusive

Dont worry, however, you are going to have your clues very soon if you read certain behaviors

MayhemReignsTV · 2022-08-22T11:31:13+00:00

You are thinking from a logical point of view. Women don’t experience relationships through logic. They do so through emotion, which I know I have stated several times but it is something that governs nearly every interaction you will have. I don’t think it’s so much of reminding her of past relationships, because honestly, she should be over that relationship before she steps out with you. It’s more that you will give off the impression that you are not over your exes or your past, which is a huge red flag. it doesn’t make your date feel too good either.

hwiegob · 2022-08-22T12:23:56+00:00

You're assuming they would tell you the truth or at least the whole story.

A woman who was cheating with a different guy every night might say her needs were not being met at home. A woman with a drinking problem might say she liked going out more than her partner did (and guys are no different).

Whatever they tell you about their past is their side of things, which may or may not be accurate or heavily spun.

Competitive-Link-912 · 2022-08-22T12:32:38+00:00

Everyone talks about their exes. A first date it is off putting, but really, someone telling you about their experiences with exes will help you learn a lot about that person.

I don’t think it’s as bad as people make it out to be:

dryo · 2022-08-22T14:46:54+00:00

You don't have to talk about exs, just explain what happened if the question arrives.Also there's a huge separate place in hell for everyone that cheats, honestly, but also it's an completely specific subject to talk about, to the girl you're dating.

So unless she, or you, are psychopaths, you/she shouldn't be dating if cheating is a chronic activity on every relationship for whatever reason.My point is, nobody is cheat safe from a relationship, unless you're into this, deep, very old school mutually religiously tied relationship, and no there is no excuse to cheat(imho), or if the moral compass for both of you was nutured correctly.

I believe, being in a serious relationship these days is no easy feat, but seeking an actual connection is still an objective no matter which generation you are.

caesarfecit · 2022-08-22T15:20:16+00:00

It's largely a time and place kinda thing.

As the relationship develops, past romantic history is inevitably going to come up, but some trust and rapport needs to built up first before you go diving into those weeds, because of how easy it is to:

overshare
misinterpret or be misinterpreted
mistake what is relevant for what isn't

... and the list goes on.

Bringing up past relationships during a first date is a mistake because that's not what a first date is for. First dates are about building up enough chemistry and rapport to make a second date worthwhile.

That's why interview questions are lame, why going for the smash on the first date is high risk unless the chemistry is there, and even then, and why talking about exes is always a mistake. If you can't keep a lid on it until at least the second date, it makes you look hung up on an ex, which is always a red flag. And if you need to know that badly about their history, it makes you look like your priorities are out of whack.

MrSexyFunTime · 2022-08-22T15:30:57+00:00

Why not keep things light and get to know the basics about each other before diving deep? First impressions are super important, and discussing something like exes is a little deep and personal for the first date in my humble opinion. Hope this helps!

Alex_O7 · 2022-08-22T15:49:51+00:00

Imho in the first date you have to know a person, but not the whole history of that person.

Moreover it is kinda weird to pretend to look for a relationship with a person you barely know and that barely know you in the first date you have with her. So it is much better to stay light on first dates, have fun, and reserve something for 2nd, 3rd, 4th,.... dates ;)

ThriftStoreDildo · 2022-08-22T17:07:00+00:00

For some reason I'm really into emotionally unavailable women so i can't tell you how many dates I've had with women who opened up about their exes and some of the stories are seriously fucked up lol.

I don't really mention my ex unless they ask when my last relationship was and i keep it brief. There's a diff between explain your past and being calm about it or being still obviously hurt and haven't moved on from it.

KaleidoscopeEver · 2022-08-22T17:10:19+00:00

Cuz u literally make her think about someone who she used to love and probably sleep with regularly. The chances of you getting laid are also sliming down after u bring shit like this up (ESPECIALLY on the first date). Realistically what's going to happen is she's going to see how much more boring and akward u are compared to her ex literally because u talk about past relations instead of having fun in the moment. If you're afraid she's crazy and manipulative and that's why her ex broke up with her, if ur smart enough u'll find out eventually. Just try to have a fun time and stop overthinking about stuff like this.

Cratos873 · 2022-08-22T21:19:05+00:00

Saying it's bad is a man made concept instilled in us through society. When you buy a car, house, or food you fully inspect it before the purchase.

Apparently no one wants to read the terms and conditions on a first date, because it's a screening process? You can either cut the bullshit (warming up to a person before asking serious questions) process or you can cut straight to the chase (I find you very valuable and I want to understand you and your life deeper. I have several questions)

It's not like it's a foreign process. It's taught to us through society, Bible bullshit procedures. Go to another country and find better liberation than most so called jelly spined, success and confidence facade, sex and love starved dumbasses.

Why are you people so afraid of being straightforward? If your life and society has no say so in how you court a person.

DrewforPres · 2022-08-22T22:39:26+00:00

Learning about past relationships and why they ended are one of the best ways to get insight into the person. It shouldn't be the first question but if there's good chemistry go for it. If she has trouble talking about it then it says she's still got issues with the ex. So even a non-answer is an answer

This is of course only if this is somebody you're considering for a relationship. If it's for a hook up don't mention it

CometAzur42069 · 2022-08-22T23:30:41+00:00

It’s not unless you make it seem like you have baggage from them.

Neo-Rio · 2022-08-23T00:56:25+00:00

It's still cart-before-the-horse

you have sex first and then let them decide if they want to pursue anything with you. Judging by how they behave you'll be within your power to decide if you award one or not.

Title	First Date: Why is it bad to talk about past relationships?
Author	ShinoguMC
Upvotes	98
Comments	73
Date	August 22, 2022 12:52 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/wufftf/first_date_why_is_it_bad_to_talk_about_past/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/first-date-why-is-it-bad-to-talk-about-past.1251480 https://theredarchive.com/post/1251480

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